What we did to celebrate the win against Clemson

By the writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Clemsoniful News, Pitt got us in the divorce)

• Cured our hangovers by drinking more
• Made it just in time for Saturday night Mass
• Reconnected with Josh, the cute guy I met at the game 
• Made out with ROC
  • And disrespected The Tiger
• Made out with Kenny Pickett
  • And disrespected the Panther
• Pregamed on the drive to the frats after (it’s okay, I don’t drive stick) 
• Locked a band guy in the portapotty, stole his uniform, played the tuba, got to be close to SCOTTY
  • This sounds suspiciously like a sex thing.
• Bought a $20 hot dog from the concession stand
• Played Madden to relive the experience 
• Streaked the field, but with my clothes on and I was also walking
• Scheduled a rapid covid test
• Asked for extensions on all assignments, citing Kenny Pickett hysteria as the reason
• Put blue Mio in the frat juice so everyone would be puking pitt colors
• Murdered anybody I saw wearing orange
  • Forgive me, crossing guard
• Created our own victory lights by taking all the string lights from all the dorms 
• Streaked on Forbes Avenue  
• Got our flu shots!!
• Checked my polling place information for the November 2 election
• Burned down my high school (their colors were black and ORANGE)
• Rammed through all of the traffic cones in the parking lot…and then realized that the cones were just people in Clemson jerseys
• Told the shuttle driver to have a really nice night and apologized for the noisy ride back to Pitt
• Started pregaming for the next game against Miami 
• Wore the head pieces of fursuits of random college football mascots that have beat Clemson, out of sheer spite  
• Jumping into the air and shouting “Yipeeeeeeeee!”  
• Got into an “Okay?” “Okay.” loop with a young teen at the game.
• Drowned my orange tabby cat
  • THIS IS SO DARK OMG
• Tried to drown my goldfish, didn’t work
• Got irrationally angry at a Garfield comic 
• Pissed my pants
• Did something a bit gay.  
• Took down my MAGA flag – Trump’s spray tan teeters on Clemson colors and that is where I draw the line 
• Ate Frosted Flakes and spit them out because Tony the Tiger can suck my dick.  
• Perfected my liquid eyeliner skills because I’m a girlboss.  
• Joined the Cathedral Club so we could bathe our naked bodies in the glow of the Victory Lights 
• Shared skin care tips with my homies because we all deserve to look glowy <3   
• Raw Tigered the Tiger (similar to raw dogging but with a tiger)  
• Did laundry  
• Lost my virginity 
• Changed my tinder to guys and gals
• Upped my body count by so many
  • So many, guys, i have so many more bodies now 
• Bought blue and gold birds because that seemed like a celebratory thing to do at the time. 
  • Please help me i have too many birds i dont know what to do with them
• Mugged the guy who won the 50/50 raffle 
• Buttered my toast bottom side up  
  • Bottoms-up toast hits so good though
• Left my mom on read, now a SWAT team has kicked down my door killed my wife and I still have not told my mom I am ok 
• Got a bible verse tattoo to show my thanks to God
• Snuggled with my cat a bit more 
• Licked a few random hot dudes  
• Did the ice bucket challenge  
• Got ALS  
• Read my favorite book, the Cheesecake Factory menu
• Double homicide 
• Double Homie-cide  
• Double Tequila 
• Double Suicide
• Double 1-800-273-8255 
• Double-decker cheeseburger 
• Double-decker Bus 
• Ate a pizza
• Got hit by a Port Authority bus 
• Port Authority bus got hit by me 
  • Physics 
    • Yeah, Newton’s Third Law, I’m smart too
• Watched Ratatouille
• Found my virginity: it was in my dirty laundry  
  • It’s always in the last place you look!  
• Got drafted :(

Hail to Pigeon!: Fan Favorite Homecoming Pigeon Offered Pitt Football Scholarship

By Isaac Przybysz

On October 26th, Pitt football squared off against Miami to cap off Homecoming Week, ultimately losing 16-12. However, the show was stolen by a certain pigeon that sat on the field and calmly went about its business as 22 three-hundred pound men threw a ball around and hit each other in its vicinity, much to the delight of the student section and ESPN cameramen. 

In light of the pigeon’s rise to Pitt stardom, the football program has decided to offer the bird a scholarship to play. Coach Pat Narduzzi liked what he saw from the pigeon.

“He’s a real tough player, that pigeon,” said Narduzzi. “Look how calm and composed he is in the heat of the game. He’s got the fundamentals. I’m impressed with his battle and grit on the field. Knows how to find the endzone, which he did more times than our entire team did on Saturday. He’s exactly the kind of player we want here, and of course we want to get a jump on recruiting. Can’t afford to lose star recruits to that other school in the center of the state.”

The student body is already overjoyed at this recruitment. Many students have already pre-ordered jerseys and t-shirts. Others have debated over nicknames for the pigeon, with the front runners appearing to be “Kenny Pigeon” and “Paris Bird”. Some students have even gone so far as to propose changing the school mascot to a pigeon.

“Panthers are old news, man. When have you seen one here anyway? Pittsburgh Pigeons has a pretty nice ring to it,” one excited student said. 

The excitement of the pigeon’s recruitment has stretched beyond campus and has shaken up the college football world as we know it. Upon the pigeon being added to Pitt’s roster, a CFP spokesperson has said that Pitt’s previous losses to Virginia, Miami, and Pitt Rejects are all “quality losses” that are “not indicative of Pitt’s current talent.” As a result, the CFP has decided to cancel ranks 2 through 25 entirely and place Pitt in the National Championship against Alabama.

The pigeon is clearly already a Pitt legend, surpassing the mediocre crop of Pitt alumni that includes busts such as Dan Marino and Larry Fitzgerald. The pigeon is a legend not just at Pitt, but in the sport of football.

Pitt Football Makes Strides

By John Garry

In light of yet another disappointing performance, many among the Pitt student body are in despair. After suffering through a season in which performances cycled from meaningless (62-0 thrashing of Sister Mary’s School for the Blind the University of Delaware) to dismal (NCAA record 5 turnovers in the first half amidst a 46-0 ass-whooping from Georgia Tech) to heartbreaking (double-overtime loss to Duke with a missed field goal), many Panther supporters lost faith in humanity once again while watching Pitt give up 293 yards and 29 points in the fourth quarter of the Armed Forces Bowl against the University of Houston.

As bleak as things may seem around Oakland, there is yet hope.  Hard-hitting computational analysis proves that the Pitt football team is actually making strides, and quite a few of them.  According to my notepad filled with tally marks, the Panthers made about 67,000 strides during the Armed Forces Bowl.

Alan Bundy, Head Defensive Coordinator for the University of Austin Badgers, was among those in attendance at the game.  “The defense in that last quarter was atrocious.  Miscommunication seemed to be everywhere, and blown coverages and missed assignments cost [the Panthers] the game,” said Bundy.  “But boy,” he added, “I’ll tell you what, those strides were textbook.”

Researchers at the UCLA Beedner School of Sports Science agree.  “We have created a computational model, called our Pittsburgh Optimized Running Network (P.O.R.N.) Database, to analyze just how good those Pitt Panthers are at striding.  We were blown away by the results.  After countless hours reviewing and closely examining our P.O.R.N. Database, we have come to the conclusion that Pitt might just be the best striding team in the country.  Sure, they are not terrific at tackling and they could use a hand in grabbing the loose balls during onside kicks, but they finish second to none in striding.”

While South O might not erupt with excitement or optimism at the thought of the fourth new head coach in four years, they can at the very least take heart that their boys on the field are making strides.