LoL@Pitt under investigation after killing Make-A-Wish kid

By John Travolta

LOL

September 22nd marked the Pitt League of Legends Fall draft and everything was fine and dandy… until it wasn’t. At the conclusion of the draft, it came to the draft administrators’ attention that they’d accidentally skipped over a player, 14-year-old Johny Berg, who is suffering from liver cancer and made the wish to play in Pitt’s League of Legends league with his few months left in this world.

When the draft administrator, Richard Wanker, realized this mishap had taken place he knew there was only one thing left to do. He and the Pitt A-team, went to the hospital Berg was getting treatment from, and suffocated him in bed. “We know the horrible nature of this act,” said Pitt team captain, Chancellor Gallagher, “but it was the only way to save all the captains an hour of their precious masturbation time. A re-draft was not gonna happen, it would have caused a freaking riot!”

The police chief who was on this case respected the complexity of this case, “Well, on one hand, this is a brutal murder of a vulnerable person. But on the other hand, college kids need to jerk off, so what can I say?” Some people are feeling less understanding. Upon interviewing the victim’s mom, she shouted, “Fuck those kids, I’m in the process of hiring a mercenary to kill all their families and then cut off all their fucking limbs!” Damn, bitches be crazy! Well, that’s all from me today, folks.

Top 10 Absurd Clubs that You Won’t Believe Pitt Has (#5 is Actually Real!)

By Blair Kriz

clubs

  1. Penn Staters Anonymous – a support group for people who are bullied for wearing Penn State apparel
  2. Pitt Meme Club
  3. Cult Film Club – screens classics such as the Greek spy film Oedipussy
  4. Patrick Gallagher fan club
  5. Keep South Oakland Beautiful Society (of course this one isn’t real, how the hell did you fall for that?)
  6. Competitive Mario Party Team
  7. The Pitt News
  8. Society of Students who Unsuccessfully Boycotted Chick-Fil-A
  9. North Korean Student Association
  10. The Pittiful News

Things to do while yelling “It’s FALL!!”

By Sonya Acharya

fall

  1. Throw leaves, preferably orange, preferably crunchy
  2. Use a shovel to throw brown wet leaves because autumn rain is a thing
  3. Run through a pumpkin patch
  4. Try to look cute for your seasonal Insta story update when you trip over a pumpkin in said patch
  5. Caption it “Pumpkins or Punkins?” and thank me later
  6. Sip a pumpkin spice latte
  7. Chug that pumpkin-spicy goodness
  8. Go apple picking
  9. Pour scalding cider down your throat. Feel your throat blister
  10. Bake some seasonal goodies
  11. Make a blanket fort, crawl into it, and binge said goodies and some Netflix of your choice
  12. Rip off your tank top to reveal a turtleneck underneath
  13. Move those skeletons from your closet to your front porch (the freezer skeletons can stay till later)
  14. Drape a woolen infinity scarf over your entire body
  15. Pile all your scarves on your bed and burrow into them because you live here now
  16. Drape a white sheet over yourself in order to become a Spook™
  17. Check your boots for spooks before wearing them even though it’s eighty degrees outside
  18. Start up an increasingly-loud chant of “This is Halloween!”
  19. Yell “It’s FALL!!!” even louder
  20. Make crinkly noises with the candy wrappers in your pockets

Pittiful News Writers Take the ‘What’s in my fridge?’ Challenge

By Tyler Sikov

fridge

We here at the Pittiful News do require sustenance to survive, as such we have fridges. Here is our ‘What’s in my fridge?’ challenge:

Sam: I use my fridge to contain my many jugs of baby formula

Pam: I use my Fridge to hold people I like so much I wanna keep them around forever…

Jam: Jelly and preserves.

Ham: Burgers

Spam: Emails

Cam: I want to have ketchup in my fridge, but people keep stealing it

Lamb: Escaped Convicts.

Flam: S’mores and flammable gasses

Jeff: Milk, eggs, butter, cheese, fruits, vegetables, pie crusts, human livers, soda… Just normal things everybody keeps in their fridge.

Dam: Mine is filled with loose water.

Damn: Totally legal chemicals for my definitely not a shady business

Gam: The Hulk.

Gram:  Loose Rice

Bam: Sophie’s Choice 2- The Return of The Pink Panther

Ram: Thousands of bottles of Gatorade and thousands of loose women.

Name: I have a fridge in my fridge

I almost threw up on my aunt’s carpet the last time I played VR there. Here’s 10 reasons why you should try VR too!

By Abby Stoudt

VR.jpg

10- You get to lose all sense of spacial awareness and feel bad.

9- You can almost break a $100 remote by dropping it on a table that doesn’t exist.

8- You can almost punch someone in the middle of Crab Rave on Beat Saber.

7- You can actually punch someone in the middle of Crab Rave on Beat Saber.

6- You can punch a hole through the TV in the middle of Crab Rave on Beat Saber.

5- You can get confused during a racing game and think that the floor disappeared. It’s not really gone, you know. You can put your feet down, but you also don’t want to risk putting your feet down in case that it’s really gone, and you can’t take the headset off because you’ll lose your race.

4- It’s VR baby!

3- You get to actually meet and touch your Minecraft gf in Minecraft VR.

2- You too get to partake in the intimate ritual of sharing forehead sweat with someone.

1- You might actually throw up on your aunt’s carpet.

Horror Slopes

By Mia Nitekman

slopes

Aries – Cardiac Hill

Taurus – that bunny hill you thought you could handle when you tried snowboarding for the first time and you embarrassed yourself in front of your friends. Idiot.

Gemini – the hill you rolled down as a child that resulted in your first broken bone

Cancer – the slow descent into seasonal depression

Leo – a slippery slope. What made it slippery???

Virgo – Cardiac Hill when it’s unnaturally 92 degrees in September.

Libra – the extra step that you thought was at the bottom of stairs that reminded you how precious human life is

Scorpio – feeling your self-confidence plummet when the outfit you pictured in your head does not go as hard as you thought it would

Sagittarius – slowly putting your head down in shame when you know you bombed the quiz because instead of studying you were doing wine-drunk face masks at 3:43pm calling it self-care

Capricorn – Cardiac Hill when the escalators are turned off

Aquarius – y = mx+b

Pisces –  the slippery slope of online shopping

University to Sue City for Unauthorized Use of the Word “Pitt” in its Name

By Isaac Przybysz

pittsburgh

In light of the recently announced policy regarding club names, Pitt has decided to take legal action against the City of Pittsburgh for the use of “Pitt” in its name.

The policy in question would prohibit student organizations on campus from using the words “Pitt” or “Panther” in their names, due to being legally separate organizations. This would affect many organizations on campus, including us here at the P***iful News. However, the university has decided to go farther: the city it is located in.

“After careful consideration, we at the University have decided to enact this policy to protect our brand. As a consequence, we cannot allow the city of Pittsburgh, an independent entity, to use the ‘Pitt’ name,” said Pitt spokesperson Gatrick Pallagher in an email last week. “Unfortunately, the city’s arguments of ‘we had the name first’ and ‘how the hell do you even trademark an animal?’ are not acceptable grounds for exemption, and thus we have decided to pursue legal action against the city.”

The policy does,however, allow clubs to distinguish themselves as being located at the University by including “at Pitt” or “at the University of Pittsburgh” in their names.

“The city will just have to call itself The Burgh at Pitt,” said Pallagher.

For now, the city of P***sburgh is left wondering how to evade the wrath of the University overlords. The short answer? They can’t. Pitt is inevitable. All the city can do for its own identity is hope Blackbeard, metal alloys, and flightless birds don’t come knocking at the legal doors.

 

 

As Above, So Bigelow

By Eric Brinling

bigelow.jpg

There has been a mystery that, for some time, has puzzled the Pittsburgh psyche. It has befuddled the modern mind, strained the intellect in such a way that has only been done by the great unsolved problems of the past, like the Münchhausen Trilemma, Hilbert’s Eighth Problem, the whole thing with the Zodiac Killer, and whether the sun can justifiably be called a soup or not. The question which plagues so many students’ minds is the very question I have decided to set out and answer today in a daring feat of investigative journalism: Why does the intersection of Forbes and Bigelow smell like shit?

The answer that probably immediately came to mind was that there’s a manhole there that probably leads to the sewers, which carry human waste, feces, dung, poop, crap, shit, and other words for fecal matter. Or, alternatively, something with the manure they put in the nearby soil. Those were the answers that I had settled with for some time, and I dismissed the rumors of other, more suspicious activity as unlikely or impossible. That was, however, until I saw a man-shaped figure slip under the manhole at around 2 am as I was coming back from the Late Night Go Fish Club at the University of Pittsburgh.

My investigative journalist senses tingled, and I resolved immediately to follow the man-shaped figure. I crossed the street (although the hand said not to, I did not listen) and tried to open the manhole, but it would not budge. I stomped and shouted, but to no avail. Then I politely knocked, and soon after the manhole opened, and I descended.

Below the intersection of Forbes and Bigelow is what I would describe as a bunker, which smelled strongly of excrement. There was a man there, who I recognized as the man-shaped figure, since he was also man-shaped, as many men are. He introduced himself, his name was Billiam J. Bigelow III, but his friends call him Bigelow Bill, or Big Bill, or just Bill, or sometimes even just B.

I heard a car pass by overhead, and I asked him why he would live beneath a road like that. He answered that the property beneath the road was the only land left to him by his father, Billiam J. Bigelow Jr., who in turn received a number of underground properties from his father, Craig Bigelow. I am skeptical that underground property rights like that actually exist, but I digress.

I was tired, so I knew the interview couldn’t be much longer. I had to get to the biting question, which came to every man, woman, and child’s mind as they walked over this guy’s bunker home. I asked him why the intersection of Forbes and Bigelow smelled so awful.

And he answered: “I don’t know.”

Tech Department to Start Punishing Students Who Download Cars

By Blair Kriz

Car

Yesterday, the Pitt Department of Information Technology (sorry, The Information Technology Department at the University of Pittsburgh) announced that it will start punishing students who obtain automobiles from ‘illegal filesharing websites.’ In a statement to the Pittiful News, Mr. Yu Sless, who is in charge of Pittnet and whatever those kids in the dorms are using these days, provided this message to students:

“You think you’re so smart because you figured out how to get a free car online? Think again. As soon as you start downloading the vehicle, you instantly get caught. Your internet access is immediately cut off, and you have to pay up to $1,000,000 in fines. Then you have to go to court, where they’ll send you to a maximum-security prison. We come down HARD. The automobile companies send us a thousand complaints a year about students here downloading cars, so we take this very seriously. It’s a felony. You’ll be in terrible, irreversible trouble. I’m serious guys. If you download a car, we’ll fuck you up.”

It should be noted that automobile downloads take up lots of bandwidth, so it is discourteous to your fellow students to download them on Pittnet (sorry, The Network at the University of Pittsburgh). Even if you do not care about other students, think of the poor automobile companies. They’re only a multiple hundred billion-dollar industry, and in this age of digital piracy, they’re going to struggle even more. Not to mention the CEOs, who are already very poor for all the hard work they put in. I mean, most of them won’t be able to afford a new yacht this year!

If you want to help stop the illegal sharing of cars online, here are some red flags to help you identify if someone might be an automobile pirate:

  • They show you a bunch of their new cars even though they don’t have a job to pay for them
  • They have a car that isn’t even out yet
  • They chuckle to themselves when someone gets excited about a new car being on Netflix
  • They wear primitive prosthetics
  • They have a pet bird
  • They like to drink rum
  • They say things like “Yarr!” and “Where’s me buried treasure?

Our take: Just get a virtual private muffler.

Things where [REDACTED] is ranked 69th in the nation

By Ben Ungar

pitt

1- Philosophy

You may have noticed recently on your elevator rides up Ms. Cathy that a television screen claims [REDACTED] has the highest rated Philosophy program in the country. I Googled it, and it turns out that many of these school ratings websites rate [REDACTED] well below #1. In my personal rankings, which are done EXTREMELY objectively, I believe [REDACTED]’s philosophy fits right into that 69 spot.

2- Cleanest dining halls

Everyone knows that when it comes to [REDACTED]’s food options, you’re going to be paying way more for your food than a rational person would. This is because we aren’t paying just for the food, we’re paying for the 69th cleanest food facility to grace a world university, the nice southern hospitality of the cashiers, and chancellor Gallagher’s fat stacks.

3- Football team

In all my time at [REDACTED], I have yet to watch a football game. This is because I’m straight, and only gay people like to stare at balls. If [REDACTED] beat Penn State then they’d be number one, but right now they take up the 69th slot.

4- Chancellor

No university has as dope a chancellor as [REDACTED]. Well actually I suppose 68 other schools too, but how many of them also have the 69th best Philosophy program? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

5- Best looking student body bodies

Look, I get it, how good looking can Pennsylvanians look compared to hot Californians, sexy Floridians, and exotic Hawaiians? Exactly, that’s why we’re not in the top 10 or even the top 20. Us [REDACTED]sburghers and Pennsylvanians make up the 69th best looking students in the world. Jealous much Ohio State?