I accidentally sprayed myself with Glade Pumpkin Spice Air Freshener and now I’m, like, so basic.

By Savannah Teman

pumpkin spice

Day 1: Ahh, a new season is upon us. The joy of wearing sweaters and making a cup of tea. Reading a good book in my bed. Just the classic fall things everyone enjoys. I even indulge in a little pumpkin scented what-not here and there, like the Glade Pumpkin Spice Air Freshener in my dorm hall bathroom. I won’t lie when I say that I spray this every chance I get: shitting, showering, even when I walk past to get to the staircase. 

Day 2: So, I was in the bathroom today, preparing to spray my daily spritz of Glade Pumpkin Spice Air Freshener, when suddenly the can sprayed right into my face! I decided to shower, but now I can’t tell if, like, the air freshener washed off, or if my senses have just become numb from the smell. 

Day 3: I, like, woke up feeling groggy, meaning I was craving coffee. Specifically, a Pumpkin Spice Latte. I sat at a Starbucks table, drinking my latte, and considering posting a pic for my Insta. Side note: Today I, like, took a particular interest in the small piles of leaves on the sidewalk. It was so tiny, but I wanted to run through it anyways.

Day 4: I went to Target today, and passed the seasonal clothing section. As I was getting kicked out because it was closing time (when did Target decide to start closing?? I need to have access to carb-free popcorn when I’m watching Clueless at 3AM with my besties!), I walked out with two infinity scarves, three different shades of Pumpkin Orange sweaters, and of course, a PSL (Pumpkin Spice Latte, for those of you who LITERALLY live under a rock. Ugh.) from the Starbucks inside Target.

Day 5: Like, my one friends commented that I’ve been acting… off. I don’t understand what she means because, like, I just wanted to take some cute fall candids for VSCO! I said, “Here let me put on my mittens and my hat!!” and all she said was “It’s 83 degrees out, what are you DOING?” Like, I decided not to be mad at her, because like Matthew 22:39 says, “love thy girlfriends.” And, of course, I used that as my caption when I posted the pics we took.

Day 6: I finally decided enough was enough! The Pumpkin Spice Latte, like, needs to be all year round. And, like, same thing with the Peppermint Latte! In order to live my life to the fullest and most aesthetically pleasing-est, I HAVE to have my PSL. Buying the premade drinks or the coffee blends or the pumpkin spice creamers just won’t cut it. I decided to start a club at school. It will be called the PSL club, and our only goal is to get Starbucks to realize that PSL is essential for life. There’s already been posters put up, too! I mean, they were spelled wrong, so I had to, like, sharpie over them so they say PSL instead of ASL, but I think it still gets the message across.

If, like, you’d like to, like, join, then come to 349 Cathy, Mondays at 9:00PM. And it’s BYOIF: bring your own infinity scarf. This upcoming meeting we’ll be discussing how Ed Sheeran looks like a Pumpkin Spice Latte and how we can use this for our campaign.

Floor Takes Uncanny Liking To RA

By Milo Davis
male-college-student-backpack | MVC Delta

A floor in a freshman residence hall has finally caught the attention of university officials with their unusual behavior. Ever since the start of the fall semester, students living on floor 20 of Tower A have shown an extreme amount of interest in their resident assistant, Sarah. According to reports, the majority of the decorations that adorn floor 20 were not put up by the RA, but they do feature the RA. Pictures pulled from her Facebook profile grace the hallway walls, and an intricate shrine to her infinite greatness displays proudly in the communal bathroom, a now sacred spot for the floor’s denizens.

All of this cult activity was initially thought to just be harmless fun/neurosis until recently when a terrorist attack was conducted on another floor. On January 21, 2016, a date that will forever live in infamy, three students from floor 20 took to the elevator, stopped on floor 21, and threw canisters of mustard gas into the hallway while screaming “You’re all infidels! Sarahu ackbar!” There were 26 casualties.

These floor 20 extremists, calling themselves Independent State of the Ineffable Sarah, or ISIS, have made clear their intent to continue their efforts in eradicating all who dare to oppose Sarah’s greatness. ISIS has posted several videos online encouraging those from other floors to join them in their crusade. When reached out for comment, the celebrated RA Sarah herself was quoted as saying: “I have no clue why they like me so much. I guess I just have a magnetic personality or something. Hey, I’m not complaining. This is neat.”