I accidentally sprayed myself with Glade Pumpkin Spice Air Freshener and now I’m, like, so basic.

By Savannah Teman

pumpkin spice

Day 1: Ahh, a new season is upon us. The joy of wearing sweaters and making a cup of tea. Reading a good book in my bed. Just the classic fall things everyone enjoys. I even indulge in a little pumpkin scented what-not here and there, like the Glade Pumpkin Spice Air Freshener in my dorm hall bathroom. I won’t lie when I say that I spray this every chance I get: shitting, showering, even when I walk past to get to the staircase. 

Day 2: So, I was in the bathroom today, preparing to spray my daily spritz of Glade Pumpkin Spice Air Freshener, when suddenly the can sprayed right into my face! I decided to shower, but now I can’t tell if, like, the air freshener washed off, or if my senses have just become numb from the smell. 

Day 3: I, like, woke up feeling groggy, meaning I was craving coffee. Specifically, a Pumpkin Spice Latte. I sat at a Starbucks table, drinking my latte, and considering posting a pic for my Insta. Side note: Today I, like, took a particular interest in the small piles of leaves on the sidewalk. It was so tiny, but I wanted to run through it anyways.

Day 4: I went to Target today, and passed the seasonal clothing section. As I was getting kicked out because it was closing time (when did Target decide to start closing?? I need to have access to carb-free popcorn when I’m watching Clueless at 3AM with my besties!), I walked out with two infinity scarves, three different shades of Pumpkin Orange sweaters, and of course, a PSL (Pumpkin Spice Latte, for those of you who LITERALLY live under a rock. Ugh.) from the Starbucks inside Target.

Day 5: Like, my one friends commented that I’ve been acting… off. I don’t understand what she means because, like, I just wanted to take some cute fall candids for VSCO! I said, “Here let me put on my mittens and my hat!!” and all she said was “It’s 83 degrees out, what are you DOING?” Like, I decided not to be mad at her, because like Matthew 22:39 says, “love thy girlfriends.” And, of course, I used that as my caption when I posted the pics we took.

Day 6: I finally decided enough was enough! The Pumpkin Spice Latte, like, needs to be all year round. And, like, same thing with the Peppermint Latte! In order to live my life to the fullest and most aesthetically pleasing-est, I HAVE to have my PSL. Buying the premade drinks or the coffee blends or the pumpkin spice creamers just won’t cut it. I decided to start a club at school. It will be called the PSL club, and our only goal is to get Starbucks to realize that PSL is essential for life. There’s already been posters put up, too! I mean, they were spelled wrong, so I had to, like, sharpie over them so they say PSL instead of ASL, but I think it still gets the message across.

If, like, you’d like to, like, join, then come to 349 Cathy, Mondays at 9:00PM. And it’s BYOIF: bring your own infinity scarf. This upcoming meeting we’ll be discussing how Ed Sheeran looks like a Pumpkin Spice Latte and how we can use this for our campaign.

Fall Flavored Drugs

By Megan Kline

A leaf fell, and you know what that means. IT’S FALL! It’s officially the best season of the year, so why not celebrate with some new seasonal flavored drugs? Pre-game those pumpkin patches and apple orchards with the latest and greatest seasonal selections! MMM…Fall sure is addicting!

1. Pumpkin Spice Smack
Yum! Starbucks has nothing on this sweet new flavor, available at your local drug dealer for a limited time only. It’s a favorite!

2. Apple Cinnamon Crank
Hints of cinnamon sticks and aromatic apple in this crystal meth really make losing your teeth taste that much better!
3. Maple Methylenedioxymethamphetamine (MDMA)
It may look impossible to pronounce, but it tastes just like Mrs. Butterworths Classic Syrup! Delicious!
4. Caramel Apple A-bomb
Drizzle your marijuana cigarettes with heroin, opium, acid, and a touch of caramel! You don’t even have to bite into this one!  
5. Butternut Squash Sativa
A savory cannabis, squash really livens up this cool plant, and makes for a warm and fulfilling and savory drug! A treat for all! Have it as a side-dish at your next dinner party!
6. Nutmeg Nubs

Peyote with a dash of nutmeg? Sold! This is a classic, and studies show nutmeg can even help speed up your metabolism while you hallucinate an eternal fall. Amazing health benefits!

Spooky Story: The Sinister Secret of Pumpkin Spice

By Cassandra DellaCorte

Ah, it’s fall! Beautiful foliage, cool weather, and fun clothes! But there’s a secret darkness lurking. In your coffee, your pies, all manner of sweet edibles- we call it pumpkin spice. Sure, it tastes like a fun, seasonal blend of our favorite squash, cinnamon and nutmeg, but it’s real content is much darker. It’s ground-up shelter cats.