Bathroom Renovations

By Eric Brinling


I was on the second floor of the Cathedral of Learning, doing second floor sorts of things like wishing I was on the first or third floor, when, for the first time this month, I had to use the restroom. To my surprise I found the second-floor men’s restroom newly renovated, and I optimistically anticipated a quick and comfortable urination in luxury.

To my right upon entering there lay a long hallway of stalls. I longed to walk down that hall and try to creep people out by stopping in front of occupied stalls and putting my ear up against the door but… not today. No, I had business to attend to, and that had to take first priority (because, you see, it was #1).

So instead I turned to the left, and saw there were two hallways with urinals on one side, and sinks on the other. I was slightly disappointed that they didn’t renovate the urinals to just be one giant funnel in the floor, but I quickly overcame my disappointment and resolved to take the urinal farthest from the only other man who was in there, who had taken possession of the urinal closest to the entrance. But, as I reached the end of one of the hallways, I found another hallway, lined on one side with urinals and the other side with sinks, and sprinkled here and there was an air dryer. 

With my bladder full of pee and curiosity, I followed this new hallway, which then branched into another hallway, and another one after that. I thought maybe I should just use one of the urinals close at hand, but I steeled my resolve and ventured further. Then the hallways started branching into three, or four, or five different directions, and I was, by this point, truly lost, and for a moment I despaired. 

That was when I saw him: a man dressed all in yellow. He saw me and ran, and not knowing what else to do I gave chase. I followed him to a stairwell, where he climbed four steps at a time like a Chad while I could only manage two, and he quickly outpaced me. Nonetheless, I kept climbing. I lost count after some time, but I climbed exactly 487 floors, which is strange because I thought you couldn’t go higher than the 36th floor in the Cathedral.

I emerged at the top of the building, far above the clouds, and I collapsed from exhaustion. I saw the man in yellow, briefly, before he leapt into a funnel in the floor. That was when I knew what I must do. I stood up, unzipped, and peed into the funnel, providing Allegheny County rain for years to come.

Tech Department to Start Punishing Students Who Download Cars

By Blair Kriz


Yesterday, the Pitt Department of Information Technology (sorry, The Information Technology Department at the University of Pittsburgh) announced that it will start punishing students who obtain automobiles from ‘illegal filesharing websites.’ In a statement to the Pittiful News, Mr. Yu Sless, who is in charge of Pittnet and whatever those kids in the dorms are using these days, provided this message to students:

“You think you’re so smart because you figured out how to get a free car online? Think again. As soon as you start downloading the vehicle, you instantly get caught. Your internet access is immediately cut off, and you have to pay up to $1,000,000 in fines. Then you have to go to court, where they’ll send you to a maximum-security prison. We come down HARD. The automobile companies send us a thousand complaints a year about students here downloading cars, so we take this very seriously. It’s a felony. You’ll be in terrible, irreversible trouble. I’m serious guys. If you download a car, we’ll fuck you up.”

It should be noted that automobile downloads take up lots of bandwidth, so it is discourteous to your fellow students to download them on Pittnet (sorry, The Network at the University of Pittsburgh). Even if you do not care about other students, think of the poor automobile companies. They’re only a multiple hundred billion-dollar industry, and in this age of digital piracy, they’re going to struggle even more. Not to mention the CEOs, who are already very poor for all the hard work they put in. I mean, most of them won’t be able to afford a new yacht this year!

If you want to help stop the illegal sharing of cars online, here are some red flags to help you identify if someone might be an automobile pirate:

  • They show you a bunch of their new cars even though they don’t have a job to pay for them
  • They have a car that isn’t even out yet
  • They chuckle to themselves when someone gets excited about a new car being on Netflix
  • They wear primitive prosthetics
  • They have a pet bird
  • They like to drink rum
  • They say things like “Yarr!” and “Where’s me buried treasure?

Our take: Just get a virtual private muffler.

Move Over Global Warming, It’s Sweater Time

By Abby Stoudt


Hey guys do you think that we could stop with this global warming stuff? I really want to wear a sweater. It’s fall, look at your calendars. It’s legally sweater weather and if I can’t wear a sweater outside sometime soon, I’m going to lose it.

My favorite sweater is this yellow cable-knit one that I bought at H&M and if I don’t wear it at least 287 times a year then I might die. I don’t know if I’ll definitely die but frankly, I don’t really want to live in a life where I can’t wear my favorite sweater at least 287 a year. Maybe this year I’ll go for a new record and wear it 300 times. I’ll never know if I can actually hit this goal unless we get our act together and stop global warming. I mean it you guys.

No, I will not just bear with it and wear a sweater outside right now. It’s 75 degrees outside and if I wear a sweater, I’ll get heat stroke and then have to go to the wellness center and miss class. Do you want me to miss class? Then stop with this global warming stuff please. 

I think that I know how we can fix all of this so that we can make sweater weather our today and not some story from the “good old days” we tell our children. I’m not having kids so who the hell am I going to tell about sweater weather if we keep going on with this? In order to stop global warming, we just need to make the globe cooler. I propose that if we just all turn on our air conditioning to the highest setting and open our freezers and also leave the windows open, we can reverse global warming. My hair dryer has a cool setting and I can use that too if anyone thinks that it’ll help.

Also, the ice caps are melting so we need to fix that. If we bring back the ice caps good enough, we can have permanent sweater weather. You know when you drink gets warm, so you put ice in it to cool it off? I think we should do that with the Arctic. Maybe we can make more ice in the Arctic if we dump enough ice-cubes in there.

I don’t know enough about the environment to know if any of my ideas would really do anything, but also I don’t like being wrong so I don’t want to hear anything if I am. Thanks.