The Future of Presidents’ Day

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Eventually the PiTTTTTTTTTTiful News, the winning wheel of fortune question 4566 ACE (After Common Era))

  • Presidents’ Day is disbanded in 2044 after The Incident
  • Presidents’ Day is reinstated in 2045 following The Incident 2 now on HBO Max
  • Everyone grills kebabs instead of hot dogs
  • Future presidential candidates are only allowed to be born on Presidents’ day
  • It gets hotter
  • I get hotter
  • There is no music played to respect the victims of The Incidents and their families
  • The 84th Amendment requires all American citizens to party rock
  • Rent is even more expensive
  • Prohibition 12 removed, because the sale and usage of guacamole is a god given right 
  • It becomes an anarchist protest day in the streets of Seattle
  • Washington is born again, forcing us to change the holiday
  • President Sarah Yule is confirmed for her 27th consecutive term
  • The 85th Amendment bans the dougie
    • It also bans teaching others how to dougie
  • Pat Sajak still hosts wheel of fortune, selling vowels he does not own to middle age losers across the Multiverses  
  • Presidents’ Day becomes a global holiday after the American Empire destroys all borders
  • All citizens must sacrifice a goat to the ghosts of presidents past
  • The supply chain is still broken
  • No school!
  • New skin colors drop every 10 Presidents’ days 
  • The death penalty is reinstated in 3452 CE2 for those who do not say “big stretch” when a cat stretches  
  • My cyber-father calls me every Presidents’ Day to complain about how Presidents’ Day used to be better
  • Drink even more beer
  • The smoking age is lowered to 12 after President Joe Camel’s first executive order
  • The construction in Hillman is finally finished in 2973 CE
  • Voters are even more suppressed 
  • Election day is still not an intergalactic holiday 
  • All citizens must remember the exact order of all presidents or else they will be sent back to 3rd grade 
  • The red white and blue color scheme is replaced with pink, yellow, and a deep, haunting, bloody maroon.
  • McDonald’s begins selling the Presidential Porridge meal and accompanying toy of your favorite politicians
  • Monotheism is outlawed in favor of the Pittiful Pantheon where everyone worships Lord Tyler, the king of the gods, and his many Godlings  
  • The Eatery serves many of your favorite presidential-themed foods, such as bread, white bread, english muffins, and bread with a single dark raisin
  • Astrology is renounced as a belief system after it is revealed that the stars are flat
  • The current U.S. president has to race all other sitting Congressmen to determine who shall reign
  • It is accidentally renamed Precedents Day, unprecedentedly. 
  • Despite all of the clear warnings in the prophecy Jurassic Park, a dinosaur theme park is opened with real life dinos, this leads to a 5th great ice age as the space ice protectors saved Earth from the dinosaurs before so they will do it again.  
  • The president goes on Insta-Face-Meta-Snap-Disney+ Live to address concerns from their citizens
  • Pyramids begin to show up again all over the world, some from aliens, others built by earthlings  
  • The Council of Presidents decides to eliminate all public transport in 2104 to allow more defense spending
  • Every Presidents’ day, a time portal opens and allows anyone who wishes to travel to any other time until the next Presidents’ day where they get to choose to either stay another year, go back to their time, or pick a new time to live in. There are many Back to the Future paradoxes but no one complains because everyone creates paradoxes every once and a while. 
  • In 43 CE32 humans have developed 2 additional small lungs and are able to breath through their skin underwater, this is because the world is covered by water after the all of the ice ages caused by people bringing back the dinosaurs which then make the space ice protectors cause another mass extinction flooding the planet more
  • Presidents’ day is now daylights savings time part 13 

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