#mom

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the MILF Lover Associated Press)

Found my dad (He was just in the milk isle and got distracted while getting the milk)
A box of chocolates, but all the chocolates are poisoned because love is painful sometimes
- “It’s like Mama always used to say. ‘Life is like a box of Chocolates, sometimes you get poisoned’”
Gallons upon gallons of lean
Went out for some bad Italian food
Made a handmade card (glitter bomb)
Got her (me) Playboy Carti tickets
Proposed to her
A bed
Breakfast
Breakfast in bed
Bed in breakfast
A new bed to replace the one we ate for breakfast
Eggs
Lizard eggs
Wrote her a very special song about how much I need more money to spend on drugs (this is the last time I swear)
A framed picture of her divorce papers
Asked her if she thought I was a good person
Complained
Made a snide remark about the way she dresses (payback)
My kids got me a dozen roses
A macaroni necklace but I got hungry and ate all the macaroni
A macaroni necklace but the noodles were cooked and it got all soggy and gross
A macaroni and cheese necklace
- Made with 100% real string cheese
I put together some legos and showed my mom a meme
Sent a few emails
Made some babies of my own
Bided my time until the old witch passes and I get my share of the family fortune, mwahaha
Another mom
Overturned Roe v Wade
Made a mess in her room and yelled at her to clean it up
Stood in front of the tv that she was trying to watch
Leaked a Memo from the Supreme Court
Got a mullet just to spite her
Your Mom
My Mom
My Sister-Cousin-In-Law-Wife
Helped my cat give birth to a new litter
A reminder of how there’s no Child’s day and how completely unfair that is
Gaslit her into thinking Mother’s Day was next week to give me more time to come up with a gift
A tattoo that says “I 🧡 mom”
A tattoo that says “I fuck goats”
A huge, tight hug (she got sleepy during the hug but she’ll wake up later)

By Lord Tyler Sikov

For this piece I travelled to the red planet to talk to the people behind the wildly successful 2011 ad campaign. For those that are not familiar with this cultural phenomenon, the community leaders on Mars realized that they were running low on their mom population, they decided to reach out to Earth to see if we could send aid. As a year on Mars is about 2 years on earth, their concept of our ad culture was limited so they made an 88-minute ad. Despite many Earthlings taking this advertisement as a movie, Mars still saw an influx of new Moms.

It has been a decade since the moms went to Mars so The Pittiful News decided to do a follow up interview with some of the moms and community leaders. The moms all enjoyed their new living arrangements and their adoptive community of children were very well behaved and always ate their glop glorpp (a mars vegetable similar to broccoli). The moms never ask for a day off, as their sole purpose in life, regardless of what planet they are on, is to love and support their children.

As time has passed, the population that the moms were aiding has aged and are now contributing members of society. This has begun to cause problems. Meek Throp, Chief Electrical Passerby, told us “The moms love it here, a bit too much. We have begun to run out of things for them to do, so they have started reorganizing random citizen’s rooms, this has been causing a lot of Grant yonicks to go missing”. It should be noted for those unfamiliar, a Grant yonick is sort of like a screw driver but in the shape of a fractal. Mry. Throp has brought this problem to the council of Hummus inspectors, to see what they think should be done about this lack of wards the moms have. The council has decided to go in two different directions.

First, they have begun abducting children. Since the first ad campaign the community leaders have watched more earth media and have discovered that kids like white vans, and often will hop into any available white vans at the drop of a hangflap knapsack (similar to a hat but more narrow, a mohawk hat if you will). So, they have begun parking white vans all over the place to grab some kids and then transport them to mars. You, the reader, are probably familiar with the most prominent person from mars on this planet, Elon Musk. When his son with all of the strange characters was born, it was a secret message to send more Martians to collect children. Mars has also used him as a cover so no one is surprised when rockets are launched and go to Mars. You are probably asking about the perseverance rover by now, well that is easy to explain, it is here but it is in what they call the death zone, that is where no one lives and nothing really happens.

The second tactic is through another ad campaign. Since their first ad campaign they have had years to study our ad culture and realized we often like shorter content or often even still images. They have begun putting ads on all of our electronic devices. You have probably seen some of their ads. Many of them are centered around the idea of “hot milfs in our area”. We are not quite sure if they know what milf stands for but at this point they have already paid for the ads so it might be a little late to tell them what it means. Overall, Mars no longer needs moms, Mars needs Children and anyone interested in MILFs.