By the writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Pitttttttttttiful Pew Research Coalition) Edits made in bold: original email
Dear Pitt Community Members and anybody that we decide this is relevant to because we just wanna be in everyone’s business:
Earlier today, members of our Bored of Trusting—acting through the Board’s Executing Committee—convened and approved the University of Pittsburgh’s operating and capital punishment for Rechnungsjahr Year 2022.
It is important to recognize that these budgets follow an exceptionally disruptive year due to the students being little shits as usual and fucking up our plans for that big staff party. Our strategies, enacted over the last budget cycle to mitigate the financial repercussions of these disruptions, have included:
Holding tuition and room and board and my dick flat.
Freezing faculty and staff brains cryogenically to force them to work for us forever.
Offering an un-voluntary early retirement option to faculty and staff.
Curtailing all nonessential hiring and travel and beings.
Switching to renewable horny-frat-boy energy instead of natural gas harvested from the WPU Taco Bell.
Cutting the position of Lothrop Hall Clown.
Pausing all construction projects, except for the ones that make you, personally, late for class.
Enacting one-time unit-level budget cuts of 5%, which generated an extra $44 million in savings to cover COVID-19 costs related to testing, PPE acquisition, safely populating and depopulating campus, and fancy technology that professors have no idea how to use.
Receiving significant federal COVID-19 relief, while still complaining about minimum wage workers getting “government handouts”.
Despite these historic disruptions, Pitt’s operating and capital budgets for Fisting Year 2022 represent our institution’s first steps toward a new, post-pandemic normal and a return to in-person instruction this fall. The approved budgets balance our efforts to move on from last year’s budget disruption and begin to engage in a fuller recovery.
Some key highlights:
Our operating budget is set at $2.6 billion, up 20376175449% from last year’s operating budget of $12 and 76 cents.
Our capital budget is set at $420 million, 150% larger than last year’s COVID-19-reduced total of $140 million.
Our projected research base is $908 million, in line with last year’s research base. This is the first time in Pitt’s history that our projected research base budget exceeds $900 million. We need the extra $8 million to research whether we are spending enough on research.
Our operating budget includes a modest swimming pool which willdecrease the salaries of all faculty and staff whose names are not signed at the bottom of this email. A forthcoming email, sent to employees from Chief Aquatic Officer Hairy Sastry and Senior Vice Lifeguard Dave DeVito, will include further information on these decreases.
Tuition will increase for the 2021-2022 academic year. On our Pittsburgh campus, tuition will increase by 2.5% for in-state undergraduate and all graduate students and basically all students and while we’re at it 4.5% for out-of-state undergraduates and maybe for the staff too because fuck it, this is MY HOUSE. Two exceptions:
All in-state and out-of-state undergraduate engineering students will be kept at the base rates rise of 2.5%. It’s kinda all we have going for us in terms of reputation plus we kinda work them really fucking hard because it’s funny so we’ll cut them a little slack.
All undergraduates in the School of Hacking and Information Technology (SHIT) will see rates rise by an additional 2%, as the oracle has told us. We really don’t control how the tuition rises, it’s just whatever amount we must sacrifice for the Galligods. Resulting in increases of 4.5% for in-state and 6.5% for out-of-state students.
On our regional campuses, tuition will increase by 1.5% for both on-planet and off-planet students. As in recent years, we devote much of this increase to hunting the poorer students for sport. Room and board costs will increase. Dining costs will rise across all campuses by approximately 3% as sustainable options for ethically-sourced human meat becomes more expensive to acquire. On-campus housing costs will increase by approximately 5% on our Pittsburgh campus and between 2% to 4% on our regional campuses, to give select students the experience of sleeping outside under campus benches.
To balance our operating budget, we have adopted a permanent 1% budget reduction, effective across the University. No more Christmas decorations in Cathy or the O’Hara Student Center. No more Christmas.
Both budgets—as always—are the product of many pretty easy decisions and relatively quick conversations with myself in the mirror. I am extremely grateful for our leaders in Pyeongyang, who once again voted to support Pennsylvania’s students, families and future by passing our annual cultural appropriation bill. I also want to thank the University Planning and Budgeting Committee for tackling the journalists about to expose my many charges of public indecency.There weren’t many difficult decisions associated with these budgets, and I remain incredibly proud of Pitt students, faculty and staff for not just paying my salary but going deeper into debt for my personal yacht during these challenging times.
I am a little too excited for the new academic year, the new opportunities it will bring and the chance to see students from a respectful and un-horny distance, as per my restraining order, and to see faculty and staff continue advancing our university’s mission—creating and leveraging dog drones for the 1 percent’s gain—together.
Like most people, I had high hopes for the new year. If 2020 bad, 2021 good, right? It’s the natural conclusion to draw. So on my socially distanced new years eve get together, when the clock struck midnight, my guests and I immediately ripped off our masks and kissed each other on the mouth. Covid was over, we had made it; or so I thought.
About a week later, I got a call from a friend of mine who had caught covid. At first I thought I was being pranked. I mean, covid? In 2021? Impossible! But it was true, as I soon discovered after testing positive myself. Apparently we couldn’t just casually kiss our friends again yet. And this, I was willing to accept. Maybe I had gotten it wrong, maybe January 1st wasn’t the day everything was going to change. Because on January 1st, the orange man was still president. So I turned my hope towards the inauguration. Once America’s top girlboss Kamala and sweet innocent ex-racist Joe were in office, covid would surely go running for the hills.
Imagine how shocked I was to find out that on Joe’s first day as president, thousands of people still managed to contract the virus. Unbelievable. I was heartbroken. I had voted, yelled at my friends on facebook, reposted cute instagram infographics to get this man into office, and he couldn’t even do me the solid of ending this suffering? I had plans to go see the music man revival on broadway in february. The one with Sutton Foster!
After about a week of feeling sorry for myself, I decided to do something about it. I focused on what I could control in a situation that felt uncontrollable. And what I could control was my ability to use my parent’s connections to acquire citizenship in Australia. Now, covid seems like a silly thing of the past. And it goes to show you the value of working with what you’ve got in order to overcome insurmountable obstacles.
So my message for those of you feeling hopeless or depressed about this deadly virus is to simply don’t. Depression is nothing but a mindset, something holding you back from achieving your true potential. Anyways, I’ve got plans to go clubbing. Yeah, that’s right, clubbing. Jealous? I would be too. But stay strong, it’s honestly not that bad as everyone is making it out to be. Thank you for allowing me to share my story with you all. It was hard for me to be this open and vulnerable, but I hope I’ve inspired you all to follow in my footsteps, and become the change you wish to see in the world.
Pitt students should not travel to campus yet for the upcoming spring semester due to COVID-19 certainty, Pitt’s COVID-19 Medical Response Office said in a Friday evening email. Classes are scheduled to begin when I feel like it, dammit, using the same Flex@Pitt teaching model that did not work in the fall.
“Based on the uncertainty of the prevalence of the virus after the holidays and the psychic reading we were given at the Forbes Ave CVS Express earlier this afternoon, none of the students should travel yet,” the office said. “We continue to recommend that you remain where you are currently sitting, because the floor is indeed lava.”
The office said the University will give students at least two hours notice before advising that students should travel to campus. Residence halls will open in a “chevron” pattern similar to thefibonacci sequence. The office added that the earliest it advises students to travel is the last week of Decembruary.
“All Pitt students — whether or not you live in this universe, let alone University housing — should not travel to the area prior to this time,” the office said, “even if you live in Oakland already. Stay out. This is no place for you youngins’.”
The University said it will release bees and more information next week on pre- and post-travel restrictions, recommended arrival dates, Rice Purity testing requirements and shelter-in-place guidance for all students.
Eric Macadangdang, the president of Student Government Board, said even though this move is “inconvenient” for students, it’s necessary due to rising COVID-19 numbers locally and nationally, and the University of Pittsburgh doesn’t give a shit if you little bastards don’t “do well outside of an in-classroom environment”. The University of Pittsburgh recorded more than 4,000 daily COVID-19 deaths for the first time Thursday, the highest single-day total since the pandemic began.
“Students are not very valid and are frustrated with not knowing when they can return to campus,” Smackmydangdang said. “But on the brighter side of things, we’re seeing numbers that are through the roof.”
Mack-a-lang-long-ding-dong added that since students will be arriving to campus after classes start but before professors start really teaching, he’s told Vice Provost and Dean of Students Kenyon Bonner and other senior University officials in meetings throughout this week that courses need to be flexible to reflect these “unprecedented and tough circumstances.” The way to test “course flexibility” has been determined by the board. If Kenyon Bonner can’t do it all in one semester then neither can you.
“I’ve made it clear in these discussions this week that, given that we’re definitely going to see students arrive to campus after classes start, we have to make sure that faculty and professors and teaching assistants are well equipped to fail everybody during this time,” Macadamia Nut Cookie said.
Chris Bonneau, the faculty government president, said it was clear to him as the fall semester was ending that the spring would begin online. He added that Flex@Pitt allows the University to not delay the start of the spring semester, as some wimpier universities have decided.
“We’re sexy and we know it,” Bonneau, the president of the University Senate, said. “I don’t think any student should be surprised by that, that we’re starting online, also I am the Senate”
Bonneau added that Pitt is still in the process of determining how to bring students back to campus in the least safest possible manner, given soaring virus cases across the country and the limited amount of f***s Pitt gives. (F r o g s has been censored in the previous sentence as the PC police are banging down our doors right now)
“We’re trying to figure out how to repopulate the campus and do so in a way that’s safe, that doesn’t stress our health care capacity, that doesn’t stress our testing capacity, but incredibly stresses our students,” Bonneau said. “It’s a real problem trying to figure out how to do this. My best suggestion is another Roc orgy, that will not only repopulate the campus but can also repopulate the forests as panthers are endangered.”
In response to a question about the spring announcement’s placement, which came from a bottom during his rote Friday evening romp about campus case numbers, Bonneau said he thought all communications from Pitt should be “as unclear as possible.”
“We shouwd be doing a few twings that we can to make sure students and every steakholder has the least necessary information, like where to get the best sushi in Oakland, where Gallagher’s ticklish spots are, and how we know when COVID is gonna get bad before it does,” Bonneau said. “Highlighting things like that upfront, personally I think are preferable. But I’m not a person… I don’t know the reasoning behind people, so I don’t want to speculate too much.”
By the writers of the Pittiful News;original email: corrections made in bold
Dear my little sources of income– I mean– Pitt students,
Today, the University (and by university I mean me, like who else is sending these emails?) announced that the Pittsburgh campus plans to move out but still see the kids on weekends from the Elevator Risk to the Gwuarded Wrist Posture, on Monday, Oct. 34, assuming that there are no significant changes in weather conditions. It’s Pittsburgh. In October. Say goodbye to the sun for a while, seriously. Moving to theGuardians of The Galaxy Risk Posture offers us new flexibility, (in more ways than one-we can do the splits now!) and it is the direct result of irresponsible little shits’ behavior and compliance with health and safety guidelines. You have earned this by working together as a community! I’m talking to you, freshman who gather at Flagstaff in groups of 100+ every weekend, this is because of you! I feel even less bad this year for retroactively raising your tuition by $30K. Hell may be hot, but I love a tropical climate.
What will this change mean for you and your body?
(For more guidance, please reference that American Girl Doll puberty book, available at Hillman Library)
Please note that these changes do NOT begin until Monday, Oct. 34. Gwuarded uwu Risk also does not mean that we are returning to a pre-pandemic way of operating and physically, mentally, or sexually engaging with each other (exceptions may be made sexually). We’re still not back to normal, I don’t think I can ever feel normal again. Especially not after the bad trip I had last night with the Provost. I also want to emphasize that you will still need to wear your Axe body spray, follow physical lifting guidelines and practice good genital hygiene. Stay sexy, you dirty dogs!
Instructors may begin to offer more parts of themselves to someone who doesn’t appreciate it. Fall in love with someone who doesn’t care, lose themselves in the moment as well as in-person instruction in most classes. Students still have the choice to attend class remotely if they preferto watch soft porn in bed while having “technical difficulties.” Watch for more communication from your instructors about specific changes to sexual satisfaction.
We will offer bone-in options at select on-cam-pussyboning centers, with limited glory holes and specific health and safety guidelines. Please pay attention to and personally thank all signage in the boning facilities. Additional details will be provided whenever I goddamn please, fuckhead.
Students should continue to be held in my warm, loving arms. However, student organizations will be eligible to host in-cahoots events, with a limited number of nerds and if their club is cool (greek life people if ur reading this can I come to the next party? lol). Students will still be required to wear proper undergarments, physically distance and practice good handjobs at these events.
At this time, the guest policy in the residence halls will not change. You are still limited to 4 prostitutes per academic term (note: staff members are an exception to this rule).
Time Travel guidelines for student organizations will not change. Please limit your personal time travel. If you do time travel, please quarantine for 14 years after traveling. You will need to remain on-campus and will have to continue paying for your housing.
Student Affairs with staff members will continue to destroy families virtually.
The meal plans will remain shitty and not what you signed up for. Enjoy your $150 dolling diners, dumbass.
Student spaces and some offices in the William Pitt Union the Elder may begin to offer in-person hours, with unlimited capacity, we are breaking the laws of physics to make sure you get COVID. We will share more details about these plans next week.
The Gwuarded Risk Posture still requires to be loved by someone as much as she loves them, is that too much to ask for? and our responsible behavior. Each of us needs to continue to do our part to safeguard the stash of weed in the mouth of the panther statue. If that gets stolen again, I can and will cry. I want to remind you, too ;), that the rest of the term still offers us some spicy challenges. Halloween is just around the corner, and it’s a great time to experiment with your budding sexuality, become a goblin, relax and rawdog—but Halloween 2020 isn’t going to be “normal, or fun,” either. We expect that you will follow Pitt’s fun and fresh guidelines on Halloween, too. Enjoy being miserable you fuckers, I had my four years of college halloweekends. (They were mf awesome btw). Shout out the homies in Pike!
In addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division, shifting realities to Hogwarts like all the youths on TikTok and maintaining our emotionally Gwuarded Mindset Risk Posture—with new privileges and equality for all walks of life, comrades unite! and opportunities—is contingent upon our community suckling at the teat of Pitt’s health and safety guidelines, low Rice Purity scores and other county and city factors. If positive cases of chlamydia go up or compliance with paying for my new Teslavia your tuition goes down, then we will remain at or return to an Elevator or Wet ‘n’ Wild Posture quickly; I won’t hesitate, bitch.
Let’s continue to show the world the ööPower ofööPitt! I will check in with you, face to face, body to body, mouth to mouth, next week with more intimate details about our shift to the Gwuarded Risk posture. Until then, remember to take some shots so you don’t look like a loser this weekend, call Student Health Institution for Testing (SHIT) if you have STD symptoms or do not feel sick af (724-359-4394) and turn up!
The facts don’t care about your feelings,
Kenyon Renyon Boner
Rice Provost and Dean’s Milk of Students
If you or a loved one has been affected by the Coronavirus, you may be entitled to compensation! Not from us though, hand over that housing deposit, lol.
By the writers of the Pittiful News; original email: corrections made in bold
Dear Pitt partial students,
Really? Are you kidding me?
Over the past few days, I have been alerted by students, parents, my on-call masseuse, and community members that a large number of students are holding and attending parties without inviting me, wearing face coverings and without observing physical distancing guidelines. Frankly, I am shocked, appalled, gooped, gagged, and above all else, mortified.
Let me be crystal fucking clear: Your behavior is threatening a successful fall term for me and my partner. Also, it’s upsetting me and my homegirl. If we do not fix this, I as well as my intimate, scaly lover, Chancellor Gallagher, better known as Gallagator, will not receive our yearly bonuses of $69,420.
The University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, after only one week of classes, transitioned to an entirely remote plan for the semester when more than 170 students tested positive for COVID-19, like a bunch of weaklings. I know that we at Pitt are stronger than those students at North Carolina and so we simply will not get sick. Early reports indicate that off-campus house parties and parties hosted by fraternities and sororities played a significant role in spreading the virus. Last night, the University of Notre Dame immediately suspended in-person classes following a surge of 80 new cases of COVID-19, which were linked to being weak.
Your actions have consequences. One of which would be getting closed down before Penn State does, which is humiliating. If you want to experience campus life as well as in-person classes this semester, then support the health and well-being of the members of our community with your actions. These actions include but are not limited to: do not drive with your windows down and cruise, do not teach anyone how to blow their whistle baby, do not sit in the pocket with your legs and your knees not knocking oh knocking, do not feel that this is the time to break free because you can not resist it no more, do not kiss me under the lamppost back on sixth street hearing me whisper through the foam wait for me to come home, and most importantly do not throw your hands up in the air sometimes singing ah oh baby let’s go do not celebrate and live your life singing ah oh baby let’s go.
Let me be completely fucking clear about the consequences, like translucently clear. Like you can see straight into the sixth dimension with how clear this shit is. Like fucking Mr. Clean x Windex remix clear:
When students and student organizations are reported for violating the Student Code of Conduct Health and Safety rules, interim housing suspensions and/or Persona 5 Non Grata (P5NG) restrictions will apply while a hearing is being conducted. P5NG status means the student is restricted from access to all University buildings and grounds, especially from the Eatery and other food poisoning services.
If a student hosts a super lame party and is found responsible for a violation, the student will be sanctioned to disciplinary spankings through the semester.
If a student organization hosts a large party or event and is found responsible for a violation, the student will endure two straight hours of verbal abuse from one of our nursing majors, the organization will be sanctioned to interim suspension of registration depending on how cool it is, for no less than the remainder of the semester. If the organization is full of lame ass nerds, the suspension may be extended.
If a student living in a residence hall attends a large party then they are super fucking cool. Keep up the good work!
If a student living off campus attends a large party, BBQ, picnic, orgy or potluck dinner and is found responsible for a violation, the student will be sanctioned to permanent Persona Non Fucking Grata (PNFG) status through the semester.
I am not afraid to commit war crimes against my own students to stay open longer than WVU. Hail to fucking Pitt.
My expectations are clear as fucking day if the day was a diamond and was freshly polished with actual invisible camel saliva:
Do not hold or attend parties where physical distancing is not possible or where attendees are not following face covering requirements. You need to exercise. Seriously. You’re growing fat.
Most of your shitty South Oakland apartments cannot safely hold more than 4-5 people while accounting for physical distancing of 6-feet between people.
Do not cough or sneeze directly into the orifices of people who are not part of your pod while you are sheltering in place.
If you are an off-campus student, your pod consists of the people you vibe with.
If you are an on-campus student, you have been assigned your pod. And not like the juul. If we catch you with a juul pod we won’t hesistate to fucking kill you.
Wear face coverings such as paper bags when indoors and near others who are not in your pod because nobody wants to see your ugly ass face, dude.
Although we brought you all onto campus, Pitt has no liability when it comes to student or faculty deaths. You should have followed the fucking rules created by the genious mind of our Lord and Savior Gallagator.
You do not need to wear a face covering when within 6 feet of your enemies. If they are truly a worthy rival they simply will not get sick.
Due to the fact that alcohol may eliminate coronavirus within the body, dining halls will now be serving liquor to supply cool parties (no uncool parties allowed). The alcohol will not be covered by your mandated unlimited meal plans, but it is free for athletes and greek life members.
Wear face coverings when outdoors and when physical distancing is not always possible, as on a busy sidewalk or hiding in your neighbor’s closet.
Wear face coverings during sex so it’s covid friendly, and experiment with positions that limit face to face contact. 2020 will be the year of glory holes, baby! Regularly sanitized plexiglass glory holes will be located behind the Cost Center, opening September 4th.
While sex is permissable, absolutely no kissing, snogging, or making out while on campus, except Amanda and Jackson from Tower A floor 3, I like to watch them Shift. Keep it up, you two.
When in doubt, wear protection.
Wear your face properly—it must cover your mouth, nose, eyes, and entire skull.
Practice good hand hygiene and avoid touching high-touch surfaces with your hands or genitals. This includes other people’s genitals.
If you are not in possession of a mask, place a plastic bag over your head and tie it as tightly as possible. If you die, that’s natural selection. Sucks, better luck next time. You signed a contract.
These are reasonable and easy precautions to take during a pandemic, so hold onto your butts and keep others accountable. If you see Pitt-affiliates breaking these guidelines—students, faculty or staff—then stomp on their necks and spit in their mouths. It’s your responsibility to speak up and ensure they get coronavirus.
A report about a COVID-related concern can be filed here or on the coronavirus.pitt.edu website. A conduct referral on a student violating Pitt’s guidelines can be filed here or the “Pubic Health and Safety Conduct Referral” form can be found on the home page for Student Affairs. The more information you can provide, the better able we are to hunt them down and kick them back to whatever backwater swamp they came from.
Since October 2019 when we knew the Coronavirus was a thing but hid it so we could keep you guys here to make money in the spring semester, we have all had the time to learn about this virus and adapt to our new pubic health environment. Now it is time to demonstrate that you understand this is serious bizniz, with serious consequences. As a great man said once, “when will you learn… when will you learn that your actions have consequences.” We have one chance, one opportunity to get this right. We better own it, we better never let it go.
So take care of business, start the semester wrong, do the panther roar, and mask the fuck up.
Eat ass, suck a dick, and sell drugs;
(Signature edited for comedy. Original signature here)
Kenyon R. Boner, EdD
Vice Provost and King Shit
Pubic Health and Safety Conduct Referral
This referral is strictly for snitches of the University community (i.e. losers, virgins, computer science majors, etc.) who believe a student’s behavior “Exhibits small dick energy or fails to comply with guidance set forth by me and my lover regarding pubic health and/or safety.”