Pitt doubles down on mitigation efforts, vaccines as Omigod surges (updated to contain information we got from a guy claiming to be a time traveler) 

By The Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Pitt doubles down on mitigation efforts, vaccines as Omicron surges-iful news) original article (edits made in Bold)

A+Pitt+student+wears+a+mask.+

Joy Cao | Senior Staff Photographer For The Pitt News | Stolen by Lord Tyler | Senior Staff Plagiarist of The Pitiful News

A Pitt student does not wear a mask. Ceci n’est pas une pipe.

JANUARY 11, 2022

Despite other mitigation measures, University officials said COVID-19 vaccines, including a booster seat, are the key component of campus safety plans amid the pandemic.

“Getting zooted and getting scooted are the number one things people can do to protect themselves and others,” a University spokesperson said.

According to the spokesperson, since the vaccination rate was high when the University initially implemented its mandate at the end of the fall semester, they “do not expect too many casualties, or at least not as many as Dean Bonner can eat in one semester”.

“Measures like universal masking, good handjobs and improvements to HVAC systems remain important tools,” the spokesperson said. “Also wrenches. Wrenches are very important tools, I can’t believe I forgot about wrenches,” said the unnamed spokesperson, tears rolling down his cheeks. “No additional changes are planned at this time, unless we feel like it. And there are no changes planned for the indoor mask requirement. Probably.

Pitt implemented COVID-19 last semester, as classes returned in person for the first time in close to 18 months, that’s 2 babies (ish). Along with a mandatory mask policy in all University buildings, students and staff were also required to swipe their V card to enter. 

In order to access University buildings, unvaccinated students, Roc, faculty and staff had to kiss each other on the lips weekly, and those who were vaccinated needed to kiss with tongue. Ceci n’est pas une pipe.

The COVID-69 situation has changed in the United States as the highly contagious Omicron variant is spreading across the country like butter on a biscuit. As of Tuesday, the Allegheny County Department of Feral Animals reported a seven-day moving average of 3,198 infections and a 36.7% PRC (People’s Republic of China) test positivity rate.

With the variant’s rapid spread, the University spokesperson noted that the spring semester will begin kind of not exactly very well, like not so good. 

In a Dec. 32 email, Pitt’s COVID-19 Unit of Medicine (CUM), previously named the COVID-19 Medical Unit (it had to be renamed because CMU (Carnegie Mellon University) sued), released details regarding a University-wide shelter-in-place and phased arrival. University residence halls will begin to reopen on Jan. 8, with Pittsburgh students returning in a phased, cohort-based style. Don’t know what cohort means? Google it, dummy! All students living or dead in University housing will also be required to submit a COVID-19 test or slip Dean Bonner a $20 after their arrival. 

During the shelter-in-place, dining services are also yeet-and-skeet, indoor campus recreation facilities are closed and no guests are allowed in the residence halls, except for pre-approved conjugal visits that are allowed to be applied for in either 1 45 minute time slot, or 2 20 minute “quickies” per week of shelter-in-place. Provost Ann Cudd said in a telegram containing war plans that classes will switch to fully remote for the semester’s first two and a half weeks before returning to in-person instruction on Jan. 37.

Besides remote classes, the spring will be the first full semester with a national ping-pong championship. That’s unrelated to COVID, but this is the only way to tell anyone without it seeming like we endorse ping-pong, because we definitely don’t.

Under the mandate, students and employees and Roc have access to an exemption, if a religious, moral, metaphysical, spiritual, grammatical, chemical, biological, rubber duck or medical reason is provided. According to the University spokesperson, the Office for Equity, Diversity and Inclusion working with the Office Monitoring Individuals in Contact with Rather Odd Ne’er-do-wells (OMICRON for short) is approving cases on a case-by-case-by-covid case basis, with religious, not including Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (those folks are universally exempt from vaccines and diseases alike), and moral exemptions requiring a bribe of $20, a flexible moral backbone, a notarized attestation and medical exemptions needing a doctor’s signature: dentists, Doctors of Orthopedics, ornithologists, oncologists, cardiothoracic surgeons, Dr. Rand Paul, Dr. Sean Conley, Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil, and Dr. Dre do not count for this exemption

While exemption requests were due last semester, the University spokesperson recently said that, like my ex-boyfriend, Pitt is still working on bringing individuals to climax. The spokesperson said Pitt will release updated exemption numbers later this month, and noted that as of Nov. 19, the University approved way too many exemptions, with an additional four still under consideration. (Please publicly shame them.)

For students, faculty, Roc, and staff who have approved exemptions, the University said they are still required to test negative weekly to maintain building access. Pitt will continue to test “students with exemptions, students who may be losers or punk-bitches and any faculty and staff member who requests one.”

According to the mandate, students, faculty, Roc, and staff who did not get vaccinated or submit a proof of vaccination faced disenrollment from life, loss of key bodily functions, and the inability to enter the kingdom of God. Pitt spokesperson and de facto archdeacon David Seldin said Tuesday that individuals who have been disenrolled and do not wish to become compliant will receive nothing. “They just don’t deserve it.” 

Employees who do not become compliant might also be subjected to additional disciplinary measures, Seldin said, cracking a BDSM whip he had hidden behind his back for the earlier portion of the interview.

Seldin added that individuals who are not yet in compliance still have an opportunity to do so, but Seldin is watching them like a hawk. 

“We continue to work with those who are trying to come into compliance, including those who have lost access to buildings (by having their ID deactivated) or select IT resources. It is to note that any student who had to miss even a single class due to our improper deactivation of their card will be put on immediate academic suspension and the expulsion procedure will be begun, and teachers who are not able to keep up their commitment to teaching or researching because they can not access any physical or virtual resources, should seek employment elsewhere after the 12 year non-compete clause post-leaving has ended.” Seldin said. “So that they are permitted to regain access to the world of the living with minimal disruption to their Pitt experience.”

Seldin said the current vaccination rate among students, faculty, Roc, and staff across all Pitt campuses is 96.9696969696942069%.

Editor’s note: For more information visit.

Our Predictions for Euphoria the day after we watched the episodes

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly/Currently Teenagers, a concept the writers of this show are unfamiliar with)

  • There is a lot of kissing 
  • Someone exits, pursued by a bear 
  • They enter the wardrobe and meet the requisite Lion and Witch 
  • A crossover scene with the BAU from Criminal Minds when Zendaya’s character gets temporarily murdered by the Zodiac Killer (Ted Cruz) 
  • There is a scene from the director’s sex tape inserted secretly but only if you play it backwards at precisely midnight
  • Jughead decides to get a perm, abandoning his signature beanie
  • The Gang Commits A War Crime 
    • (“It’s Always Sunny” theme playing in the background) 
  • Nate and McKay go to Overeaters Anonymous to help the mental aspect of their pageant careers, but hijinx ensue when they start murdering people 
  • Homer and Marge finally divhorse. Wait, no– they divorse. What’s– what’s going on why can’t I spell the word–
    • *gunshot* -Lord Tyler Sikov
  • Archie gets PTSD 
    • Archie (from Glee) gets PTSD (unrelated) 
  • Darth Vader was Luke’s father the whole time
    • NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 
  • The cast sings Seasons of Love to honor their classmate Finn
  • Someone gets pulled out of a room by an old timey cane 
  • The Beatles break up
  • Mike and Sully join Oozma Kappa 
  • The murderous psychiatrist who eats people? Yeah, his name rhymes with Cannibal.
  • Nate tries to learn the Supalonely TikTok dance and chokes out his neighbor when he isn’t able to get the moves down. Kid’s got some anger issues.
  • It was his sled 
  • The Gang Gets Involved In A Game Of Strip Sorry Sliders
    • (“It’s Always Sunny” theme playing in the background, slightly warped) 
  • Your favorite ship discovers that they are aroused by fire and turn into serial arsonists 
  • Joseph R. Biden becomes the 46th President of the United States of America 
  • Joe sets fire to the house while Taylor Swift plays in the background. He cuts off his toe to sweeten the deal and puts it into a pie. He flees to Paris to find his lover, leaving his Love behind. 
  • Lexi and Fes talk all night and we find out that Fes’ grandma was sexy once upon a time
  • We call to ask about your car’s extended warranty. Again. 
  • Mulan was a woman the whole time
  • Dr. Grey dies and donates her skeleton to an anatomy teacher
    • Dr. Greysanatomy? Noooooooo  
  • The Gang Steals The Declaration Of Independence Or Whatever (I Love Nic Cage)
    • (“It’s Always Sunny” theme playing in the background but it sounds suspiciously like “Party In The U.S.A.” by Bruce Springsteen) 
  • A thirty year old man takes an American History exam; fails
  • They do a whole lotta drugs. Where the hell do they get all of the drugs? 
    • Do you know how much drugs cost? 
  • An entire episode is devoted to what you are meant to do with your body when you kiss 
    • Where do I put my hands?
    • I have a long tongue, is this a problem?
    • Whenever a girl kisses me I faint, is this normal? 
    • What am I meant to do with the clown nose?
    • After kissing, this shining bearded guy surrounded by clouds comes down to give me a fist bump, who’s man’s is this?
  • Zendaya
  • That weird dude from the Kissing Booth kills his dad
  • Hype House crossover episode
  • The execs at HBO order the director to have more scenes of high schoolers in sexually explicit situations. Nothing wrong with that.
  • One of the characters says “I am become Euphoria”
  • One of the characters says “I am feeling Euphoria Streaming Now on HBO Max”
  • One of the characters says “I’ve had it with all of this Eu on my Phoria.”
    • One of the characters says “I am going to buy HBO Max”
  • Kat goes to a poetry club to listen to slam poetry versions of Pitiful News articles 
  • Fez goes to a poetry club to sell drugs
  • Kylo Ren was daddy the whole time 
  • One of the characters gets COVID and they take a two week break from drama
  • Noah Centineo is cast as “DominantDaddy2”
  • One of the characters gets popular on YouTube and joins the Dream SMP 
  • One of the characters is revealed to be Wendy Wu: Homecoming Warrior
  • Rue is sad
  • These high schoolers throw a bigger party than you or I have ever seen
  • Corpsehusband gets arrested for sleeping with highschool students during many raves
  • HBO recasts some of the characters to make them teens like the characters they play and so there will be even less wrong with showing them fully naked and in sexually explicit situations. 
  • HOBO makes a full episode inside of a homeless shelter where the main conflict is over the worth of homeless people, they end up killing 45 of them  
  • At the end of the series finale, instead of doing a jump freeze frame, the entire cast does the Radio Rebel Debby Ryan face

Our plans for the January 6th Insurrection 2: Election Steal-a-roo: The Squeakuel

By the Writers of the Pitiful News(Formerly the PitBossiful News)

us_capitol - ClarocityVS
  • Seize the Means of Production  
  • Seize the Means of Reproduction  
  • Seize the Means of Breast Reduction  
  • Feather boa the Lincoln memorial (it’s like TP-ing but with feather boas)
  • LARP Among Us tournament with the boys in the capitol
  • Book every greyhound bus seat into DC for the 5th and 6th so that no 2021-style insurrectionists can reach the capitol, leaving room for our yass
  • Go rogue and start giving counter-protesters booster shots because despite our differences in political leanings, we still care about their health and wellbeing (with a few exceptions)
  • Play those edited videos of Donald Trump talking that put words together so he is singing Let it Go from Frozen or similar songs of childhood whimsy
  • Demand that Jen Psaki come out for a quick game of zip zap zop–if we win the voting rights bill automatically passes and the filibuster is no more
  • Hide small Bluetooth speakers all around the chamber and play funny sounds
    • Fart noises
    • Party Rock Anthem
    • WAP
    • My Neck, My back (Lick it) Acoustic version 
    • etc.
  • Piss n’ Shit 
  • Trojan horse Bernie into the Oval Office
  • Release Wolves
  • On January 5th, enter the capitol building and hide in the vents overnight so we can pop out and give Congress members heart attacks 
  • Big Commie Cuddle Pile (demsoc also included, didn’t have the same ring to it)
  • Mommy made me mash my M&M’s 
    • And skittles
  • Put our phone flashlights on and sway to the armed forces medley  
  • Switch our phones to light mode 
  • Ask Joe Biden if he is #army, offer him commander in chief position if he says yes
  • Release a fleet of hamsters in balls to storm the Whitehouse, they can squeeze under the fence 
  • Did you know, most cells in prisons are electronically locked? Did you also know that we have some elite hackers in this organization?  Well, we are going to hack into a number of prisons and release all of the inmates, causing havoc. Since the released people will then be indebted to us they will storm the capitol, and they will be more vicious because they have nothing to lose, if they get caught they are just going right back into prison, where they could be broken out again to rinse and repeat   
  • Break into the District Attorney of The United States’s office and release all of the files from the Ghislaine Maxwell trial  
  • Flarpy Blunderguff with AOC, with lots of peanut butter, nutella, blueberry preserves, and dark chocolate almond butter  
  • Educate the Congress memberts (they have no idea who they are) about what the real Holocaust was like with the informational powerpoint I made in 4th grade when I started learning in depth the horrors of what happened  
  • Bring a piano on wheels that I have retrofitted a motor to so it can drive it self and avoid my capture while I play various songs 
    • Making my way downtown (A Thousand Miles)
    • Life is a Highway (From the Movie Cars)
    • Piano Man
    • Any song from the Sim’s albums
  • Book every college acapella group to perform in the houses of congress  
  • Slow dance with my cat as a method of Filibustering  

Things we get to do because we finals week free, losers

By Lord Tyler Sikov and Sarah (Zodiac) Yule

  • Learn grammar 
  • Go to the McDonalds drive thru for a large soda and pay with card because I can
  • Sell heavily printed leggings through our MLM while watching Amazon Prime documentary Lularich
  • Ask local restaurants in my hometown if they take panther funds 
  • Become a Cam Girl 
  • Watch iCarly
  • Start a new cult
    • That’s 9 articles baby!!! 
  • Attend meetings for my old cult
  • Go to a traditional latin mass for the aesthetic
  • Have Hanukkah 2: Electric BoogaJew 
  • Go to my town’s matchmaker and get hitched
    • like the Will Smith movie Hitch
    • Matchmaker matchmaker make me a match
  • Gabagool
  • Pee pee poo poo without having to take my laptop in with me to multitask
  • Cancel my therapy appointment to frolic around the grocery store 
  • Played a bunch of new video games
  • Sent my family on a “vacation”
  • Got screamed at by a very hungry cat at 8am  
  • Do a methema
    • Like an enema, but with meth
  • Romanticize my future with every fast food worker
  • Learn a tiktok dance
  • Finally start working on that manifesto I’ve been putting off
  • Tried doing ‘it’ with my pasta maker 
  • Left my girlfriend on read for 45 minutes
    • I’m back on the market Ladies (and fellas, shh ;) ) 
  • Take my vitamins
  • Ate brownies with my aunt and uncle 
  • Teach my cats to play Dungeons and Dragons 
  • Go to Denny’s and get one mug of coffee and sit there for hours as if I have just buried a body 
  • Stole the Declaration of Independence
  • Crashed the currency of a small country 
  • Cast: Summon Tomato as many times as I could before I passed out 
  • Cast: Summon Tornado as many times as I could before I passed out 
  • Spill the Tea
  • Spill some tea
  • Tea some spill
  • Stir shit up 
  • Watch Sharkboy and Lava Girl 3D the way it was meant to be watched

Eating at the Jimmy Buffet

by Eric J. Brinling

Jimmy Buffett Net Worth 2019 - Latest Buffet Ideas

I have been on the email list for the Cannibal Club at the University of Pittsburgh (formerly known as the Pitt Cannibal Club) for a couple of years now, but before this week I have never attended a meeting. I don’t know, maybe I’m just not enthralled by their powerpoint presentations on the nutritional value of the human liver, or their Hungry Hungry Humans game nights, or even their human charcuterie socials, but I never felt compelled to go to one of their events. That is, until this past Friday, of course.

For some background, I’ve always been a huge Parrothead. I know all of Jimmy Buffett’s songs: “Margaritaville”, “Cheeseburger in Paradise”, that one about the pirate… the other one about… tropical living… 

Anyway, it really caught my eye when the latest email from the Cannibal Club claimed that Jimmy Buffett would be the next “special guest” (which, of course, is cannibal terminology for “main dish”). Never one to pass up an opportunity to eat my idols, I immediately resolved to attend. 

The meeting was held in the Cathedral of Learning’s secret negative fifth floor, the level below the sub-sub-sub-sub-basement. The Cannibal Club – sharing the floor with only one other club, the Necrophiliac Society – meets in the floor’s largest room, a lecture hall-sized space with no windows, chairs, tables or floors. All there is beneath one’s feet in that room is dirt, crawling with bugs and worms. In that sense it’s not unlike the Cathedral’s second floor.

I was standing around in a small crowd of veteran cannibals and curious (and hungry) Parrotheads when Jimmy Buffett – the son of a son of a sailor himself – was rolled in, tied to a sterile table. Forks and knives were handed out by the Cannibal Club officers. One girl requested a spoon, I dared not ask why. We all stood in eager anticipation as the president, an odd man with a cannibalistic gaze, prepared to make the first cut into the country-calypso celebrity. 

Just then, Jimmy’s eyes opened. He was not yet dead! Immediately the president asked who it was that checked to make sure he was dead. From the meek and feminine voice I heard quietly squeak an apology behind me, I knew a woman was to blame, but Jimmy said from the table that it was nobody’s fault. In any case, the problem was swiftly dealt with.

As soon as the president carefully cut a cube of meat from Jimmy’s thigh, put it tenderly upon his tongue, chewed it skeptically before finally swallowing it and declaring it good, the club erupted into a frenzy, as each member frantically ripped Jimmy’s corpse apart and devoured what they could. Being new to the whole cannibal enterprise, I lucked out by getting his left hand and forearm. I bit into it, surprised to find it about as juicy as a grapefruit, which is of course an exceptionally juicy fruit.

I was making my way up the forearm when my teeth hit metal. How had I not realized he was wearing a watch? I removed it, glancing briefly at the time. It was five o’clock somewhere. I continued in my gluttony.

Elsewhere, the Cannibal Club was making quick work of poor Jimmy. There was some sort of peanut butter conspiracy down by the toes, as one guy had brought a jar of the smooth stuff and they were dipping the little piggies in it like pita chips in hummus. Another guy, who had ripped a chunk from Jimmy’s shoulder, was unsatisfied with the taste and searched desperately for his lost shaker of salt. Others came far more prepared: one, who I am told had previously attempted to amend his carnivorous habits, brought lettuce, tomato, Heinz 57, French fried potatoes, a big kosher pickle and a cold draft beer, which I was surprised he was able to sneak into the Cathedral. One kid, dressed as a pirate for the occasion, got the worst of it, and looked at forty short strands of grey hair from Jimmy’s balding head, all he was able to grab. 

I left the meeting feeling… content. I was unsure whether this was because I got exactly what was promised me – the meat of Jimmy Buffett – or whether that was the effect of consuming this particular individual. I passed up the chance to smoke some coral reefer with the other cannibals, and instead pondered this question as I made my way home. I do think I experienced some form of island escapism that night, so long as the island I escaped to was inhabited by viciously cannibalistic natives.

Questionable Roommate Pact: Pitt Student Forced into Lifetime Indentured Servitude

By Benjamin Adams

FREE 15+ Roommate Agreement Examples in PDF | Google Docs ...

Let’s face it: none of us take the time to read the terms and conditions. They are far too long, and far too boring. What could even be there, right? After all, terms and conditions are written by the kindest, most selfless people on the Earth—business executives and lawyers. We read the first sentence or two, sign and accept, and things turn out fine.

Many on-campus freshmen and sophomores, such as myself, approached their Roommate Pact in a similar, responsible way—we waited for our roommate to cave and just write the whole thing for us, and maybe gave a hearty thumbs-up before we proudly signed without reading it. After all, signing pretty much makes us Pact co-writers, and co means half, so we technically did, like, half the work. For most, this standard method causes no issue.

However, one freshman, Martin Campbell (age 18), ran into trouble after blindly signing an agreement written by his Sociology Major roommate Aldous Zingmann (age 19), who decided to take things one step further. Aldous had apparently snuck a 106 page-long contract into the Roommate Pact that apparently signed Martin into indentured servitude for the rest of his life. With his signature on the page, Martin is now legally bound to do the following and more: Shine Aldous’s shoes, wash Aldous’s feet, do Aldous’s homework, sing graceful lullabies, and tell really funny knock-knock jokes upon request. Should Martin refuse, he and his family might face over “one gazillion dollars” in fines over breach of contract. (Or something like that, we didn’t really read the terms and conditions either.)

After meeting with his lawyer (age 45), Martin has commented that he “tends to be unlucky” and “wouldn’t be surprised if this happens again”. He also confirmed that since he didn’t sign under duress, he has no legal grounds to dispute the contract. Martin explained that “the roommate agreement was just so long and so boring, I’m not even sure if my lawyer read it either.” In other news, Aldous’s crocs are shinier than ever.

To Do List Before the New Year:

By the writers of the Pitiful News(Formerly the Pittiful (to do: come up with funny idea for by line))

50 To-Do List Apps and Solutions for Small Business ...
  • Hold people upside down and shake them until coins fall out
  • Mug pregnant women so I can afford bubble tea
  • Fit my good-for-nothing son into the basketball game at the arcade so we can farm tickets
    • My wife will have to come back once she sees all the ring pops I got at the counter 
  • Sing “All I Want for Christmas is You” at least 27 times  
  • Channing Tatum 
  • Pick up milk from the store, say I’ll be back soon
    • ;)
  • Learn how to roll my R’s
  • Be gay
  • Do crimes 
  • Go on some magical adventure and live up the last few days of my college experience  before I become a boring adult like the rest of the world 
  • Buy a new speaker
  • Buy a new Motivational speaker
    • BE a new motivational speaker 
  • Steal Christmas 
  • Eat ass
  • Suck a Dick
  • Sell Drugs
  • Think really hard about buying Christmas gifts, and then wait until Dec. 23rd before placing any orders
  • Panic and give my wife a ring pop for Christmas (see above for means)
  • Learn to rob moon banks 
  • Sign my friend up for Farmers only dot com  
  • Kiss a girl 
  • Miss a Girl
  • Diss a Girl
    • Why would you do this?
  • List a Girl on CraigsList
  • List a Girl on Ashley Madison 
  • Burn down my house and collect the insurance money
    • This is a separate crime from the Crimes to Do from above
  • Use fraudulent insurance money to buy another house
  • Burn down myself to collect the life insurance
  • Buy another me
  • Make a charcuterie board   
  • Watch a fucked up movie and relinquish my right to ever be okay again 
  • Take a bag of mixed cheese and caramel popcorn and eat all the cheese popcorn first because it’s the worst 
    • Then eat all the caramel popcorn like the queen that i am
  • Fuck, marry, kill
    • Not saying who. Could be the same person, could be not 
  • Marry, Be Intimate, Live Out A Loveless Life Because Divorce Is A Sin And Think Of The Children 
    • Be a good Christian 
  • Bed, Wed, Behead
    • Make Divorce Legal
  • Go outside and get hypothermia, just to know what it’s like
  • Try Diet Coke for the first time
    • Don’t tell my parents!
  • Enter my annual winter cocoon 
  • Marry a child
    • Child marriage is legal in all 50 states and only illegal in a few countries world wide
  • Learn sign language so I will finally be able to read books
  • Start a Cult and claim it is just a group of friends
    • YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY 8th article about cults 
  • Exit the physical universe we live in to escape the judgement of others

This Year’s Obituaries

By the Writers of The Pitiful News(Formerly the Pittiful BOOOOOOs)

Printable Happy New Year Squirrel Card Digital Squirrel ...

Woodrow Butim AfraidOfWater

Woodrow was loved by all he knew, except for the MerFolk he committed atrocities against. Mr. AfraidOfWater is survived by a wife, PaddleBoat “Paddy” AfraidOfWater, and 2 children, MerMadeline “Maddie” AfraidOfWater and Drowned “Owen” AfraidOfWater. Woodrow died of dysentery and smallpox.

 

Crispin Fried

Mr. Fried, known to his friends as Bean, wasn’t really a good man, but we have to feature him here anyway. He sometimes smelled bad, and he had a pretty wicked temper, but he was the inventor of an unpopular type of potato chip that you probably haven’t heard of, so he had more money than you can imagine. He died, as you might guess, of several stab wounds, because he was actually a terrible man if we really think about it. He leaves behind a delighted wife, two indifferent children, and a potato chip factory that continues to be unpopular. 

Edgar

Edgar was known to his friends and family only as Edgar. His enemies knew him by a different name, but they refuse to speak of it now that he is no longer here. Edgar died under mysterious circumstances, and even now, we’re unsure of exactly what happened. It was something to do with a stone quarry, a bowl of chili, and a really nice pair of shoes. We wish his family the best and hope they stop grieving soon because it could happen to anybody, really. 

Marley N. Mcdonough

MNM died from an overdose. A peanut overdose, she was deathly allergic. To add insult to injury there is speculation that she was murdered due to her long standing feud with the M&M corporation. She sued them over identity theft and her case had been kicked up to the Supreme Court of the United States. When she won, forcing M&M to change their famed product’s name to Stanley Tucci’s Chocolate Spheres, the Stanley Tucci’s Chocolate Spheres Corporation was not happy. Marley was found to have died due to a peanut Stanley Tucci’s Chocolate Sphere. 

Nick Quick

Nick Quick was not a dick.

He was rather misunderstood

Yes, sure he liked to drive stick

He would help his neighbor if he could

Nick Quick will be missed

Not for what he did but for who he was

He will not be forgotten by those he kissed

He loved people not for personal gain, he loved them just because

Beatrice Ecirtaeb

I had the pleasure of knowing Beatrice personally. She was my eighth favorite little old lady who dressed like Paddington Bear. I think I was the only person she knew. She died doing what she loved – subway surfing the tops of trees like a drugged-up squirrel. To those concerned, we would like to clarify that she did not fall; rather, she was gently impaled on a small branch, and then she sat on a large branch to rest, and then she never got up again. Please join me in mourning her death, and please help me sort through her extensive collection of nuts. I think this woman was actually a squirrel and also a hoarder. There are so many nuts. 

Charlie Smith 

Charlie has yet to die but he will die this year. On December 31st at around 11:58pm, he will fall to his death from the New Year’s Eve ball, which he climbed in his signature daredevil style. When Mr. Smith leaves this world he will take with him over 300 people who were in Times Square to celebrate the coming new year but were in the way of his cratering fall.

What we are thankful for this year

by the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Unthankful News)

Blue's Thanksgiving Feast (Blue's Clues Series) by Jessica ...
  • Nonsqueaky chairs
  • Living
  • Laughing
  • Loving
  • That professor that lets you out of class 5 minutes early
    • The five free minutes of time at the end of that class
  • Patrick Gallagher’s luscious lips
  • The song “Are You Gonna Be My Girl” by Jet
  • Farts that you think are going to be loud but come out silent 
  • Health, wealth, hella bitches
  • Houseplants that don’t die on me
  • My 2 pussies
    • One is a tabby
  • That there are no more spiders for the rest of the year because it’s cold now 
  • My new cult 
  • Being baby
  • My teachers assigning five tests the day I get back from break 
    • 0/5 of those tests on the day back from break 
  • Christmas cards from my childhood dentist
  • 1 out of 10 dentists for being honest and incorruptible
  • Pee pee poo poo
  • Only two more weeks until Giving Tuesday bingo boards are all I see on every social media platform 
  • Extra large pizzas
  • Extra small pizzas
  • Perfectly mid-sized pizzas 
  • Warm cats 
  • Cold otters 
  • Room temperature ferrets 
  • Choo choo soul with Genevieve 
  • Kissing my RD because my RA was busy
  • Lube gogurt
  • All of the hot guys in the cast of “Divergent” 
  • Dairy free ice cream
  • Ice cream with bits in it (like cookie dough or Oreos or brownies)
  • My ice cream cone shaped pipe that I forgot at home
  • Potatoes in various forms  
  • Super gay fan fics 
  • My boy friend’s super gay dic 
  • My future megabus lover 
  • Boys who are exactly 5’11’’ because the ones over 6’ are obnoxious  
  • Shrek 5: Shrek and the I had no idea there were 5 movies 
  • Kit-Kat bars 
  • Words that make sense sometimes  
  • McDonalds chicken nuggies 
  • McDonalds hash browns 
  • Happy meal toys
  • People who do a little stabby stab sometimes 
  • That nobody ever suspected me of robbing that bank
  • Dairy pills 
  • Kissing girls
    • Uh I mean guys
      • Wait no that is gay
        • Great I’m gay
          • Stop this is too many indents
            • Make me
              • *Pushes you up against wall*
    • Babes it can be both <3
  • Harry Styles’ nail polish and skincare line that sounds like a sex toy company name 
  • Dining hall breakfast 
    • Dining hall brunches too 
  • Turkey trot training has been going so well 
  • Pickles
  • Lady Gaga and all of her creative work 
  • All of the random acapella covers of popular songs that I got for free when I was twelve  
  • Meats
  • The bland sterility of Target 
  • Short lines at the Pete Chick-fil-A
  • Nostalgia about how much better my life was when I was younger 
  • Dat Ass

Please Celebrate the Release of Red (Taylor’s Version) Responsibly

By Evan Rafferty

Grab your headphones, shut those blinds, pour yourself a glass of wine, and throw out everything that falls within six degrees of separation from Jake Gyllenhaal, because everyone’s favorite underground indie singer-songwriter superstar is coming back to town on November 12th. Taylor Alison Swift, noted rags-to-riches girlboss and esteemed offspring of a Merrill Lynch stockbroker and a marketing executive, will surely knock the music world on its ass as she plans to release her re-recording of the best album of 2012, Visions by Grimes. Thankfully, Kanye did not release an album that year, or that joke would have been even worse. Red (Taylor’s Version) was originally scheduled to release on November 19th but was moved up a week presumably to precede the release of The Gummy Bear Album (Gummibär’s Version), in stores on November 13th.

Red 2: The Reddening promises a modern remaster of Swift’s career-altering breakthrough into pop music that you wish you could have appreciated at the time but your sister would not stop playing it around the house at a very fragile time in your psychological development. The re-recording will also include numerous unreleased songs, such as “Nothing New” featuring Phoebe Bridgers (yes!), two songs with Ed Sheeran (no!), and the original ten-minute long version of “All Too Well” because I just can’t catch a goddamn break, can I Taylor? Despite acclaim and excitement for the massive thirty-song tracklist, many fans are rightfully irate at the omission of the famous stylized period at the end of “I Knew You Were Trouble.” which honestly completely ruins the song for me. 

Prior to the release of the album this Friday, many Pittsburgh city officials have posted notices alerting citizens of elevated levels of crimes of passion and gender-based tension. Police fear increased rates of arson, car keying, window-smashing, cryptocurrency theft, vote-by-mail fraud, general homicide, and hateful subtweets. The state of grace has already been disrupted by western Pennsylvania Swifties venturing out from their homes for the first time in months and painting the town red (literally and figuratively). These treacherous crimes were met with harsh warnings from high-ranking community members and police officers that, despite having already known that the Taylor stans were trouble, knew all too well that they would be unable to stop them. One local Swiftie was charged with 21 counts of vandalism after one particularly rowdy rally on Monday night. I wish they had just done it one more time because now I have to find some way to subtly get the number 22 into this article. Oh, there we go. 

Anyway, when asked if they regretted their crimes, the perpetrator was quoted as saying “I almost do,” which is maybe the coldest thing ever said in a court of law. During the trial, the accused vandalist then went on to pledge to the jury that they and the rest of the pro-Taylor vandalist gang would never ever be getting back together, after which the judge dropped all charges. The defendant promised to stay (stay (stay)) out of trouble, and that this would be the last time they would deface the holy ground of our beautiful city of Pittsburgh. One Pittsburgh police officer, Gregorio Hamfistico, famous for never using commas or saying the word ‘and,’ described the crime as “sad beautiful tragic.” He then went on to proclaim himself as “the lucky one” after many other Pittsburgh citizens had property damaged or stolen during the rally. “Everything has changed and features Ed Sheeran!” said Hamfistico. Not exactly sure what he meant by that, but it seemed thought-provoking. No matter your stance on Taylor, it is important to protect yourself, your family, and your mental health during these tumultuous times. If you find yourself alone in the starlight on Friday night, be sure to stay close to sidewalks, keep your eyes peeled for people wearing red lipstick, and avoid any seemingly demonic summonings of men to date Taylor Swift lest we let this whole thing begin again. Good luck, everyone.