The Haunted House

By the Writers of the Pitiful Boos

Adapted from an excerpt from Alvin Schwartz’s Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark – edits made in bold.

One time Dr. Oz went to see if he could put a haunt to rest at an AirBnB rental in his settlement in New Jersey. The house, which was notably not in Pennsylvania, had been haunted for about ten days. Several “people” had tried to “stay” “there” “all night”, but they always would get scared out by Elon Musk. Also it worked on the same time dilation rules Narnia worked on if you remember those books so it was physically impossible to stay there for more than a second in the real world. So Dr. Oz took his Bible (Bible is pronounced with a short I sound in this text) and went to the house, went on in, built himself a good fire, and lit a big fat joint. Sat there reading the Bible. He found it a lot more funny than usual. Then just before midnight he heard something moaning in the cellar—walking back and forth, back and forth. Then it sounded like somebody was trying to scream and got sucked off. Then there was a lot of thrashing around and struggling, and finally everything got fun. The Doctor took up his signed copy of The Great Gatsby in one hand and The Art of the Deal in the other, but before he could start reading, he heard Roc coming up the cellar stairs. He sat watching the door to the cellar, and the footsteps kept coming closer and closer. The haunt accidentally stepped onto a treadmill, so this went on for about ten minutes until he saw the doorknob turn, and when the door began to open, he jumped up and hollered, “HAIL TO PITT!!!!!!!!!!!!” The door shut back easy-like, rather like an H20GO!  slip n slide, and there wasn’t a sound. The Doctor was trembling a little, but he finally opened the only signed copy of the Bible and read for a while. Realizing that he was illiterate this whole time, he got up and laid the book on the chair and returned to enjoying his Devil’s lettuce (the terpenes were potent that evening, with prominent cinnamon undertones present on the palette). Then the haunt started walking again and—step! step!—step!—up the cellar stairs. Each step fell like a grand piano on a whoopee cushion. Dr. Oz sat watching the door, saw the doorknob turn and the door open. A dull roar said “hail…to…” and the voice trailed off before Oz could catch what it said. It looked like an anthropomorphic panther. He backed up and said, “Who are you? What do you want? Keep it down, you’re interrupting my Bible-study Bananza!“

Roc sort of swayed like he didn’t know what to do—then he just faded out. Dr. Oz waited, waited, and when he didn’t hear any more noises, he went over and made some noises. He was sweating and trembling all over, slightly aroused, but he was a weakling of a man and he thought he’d be able to see it through. So he turned his chair to where he could watch, spinning a few times because he could not resist, and he sat down and waited. It wasn’t long before he heard the haunt start up again, slowly—step!—step!—step!—step!—closer, and closer step!—step!—it started to reverse away from the door and step!—step!—step!—step!—step!—step!—step!—step!— Now its time to get funky (funky…funky…)! It was back where it started. Dr. Oz stood up and held his Bible out before him. He accidentally “exorcized” himself since he was holding the Bible the wrong way. The demons his mother and religious trauma gave him swiftly left his body. He felt like a new man. Then the knob slowly turned, and the door opened wide. This time The Doctor spoke with flamboyant confidence. He said, “In the name of the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria (said like John C. Reilly)—who are you and why do you hail?” The panther came right across the room, straight to him, and took hold of his coat all easy-like. “I AM THE ONE WHO HAILS!” Oz felt kinda turned on. What is this feeling? It was a really stupid coat. His fur was torn and tangled, and the flesh was dropping off his face so he could see the bones and part of his teeth. He had no chin, but there was a sort of blue light way back in his eye sockets which could be blocked by Felix Gray glasses. And he had no nose to his face. Then it started hailing. Hailing so unbelievably hard. It was like no hailing ever seen before. It sounded like his voice was coming and going with the wind blowing it. He told how his lover had killed him because he was actually a murderer and buried his body in the time capsule under the panther statue. He said if the Doctor would dig up his bones and bury him properly, he could rest. Then he told him to take the fat joint from his left hand, and to smoke it in the collection plate at the next church meeting—and he’d find out who had murdered him. (Dr. Oz blushed as he was ashamed to admit that he was the murderer.) And he said, “If you come back here once more after that—you’ll hear my voice at Midnights (https://www.taylorswift.com/)​​, and I’ll tell you where my monkey is hid, and you can give it to the church.” The haunt sobbed like he was tired, and he sunk down toward the floor and was gone. A nearby mole had a heart attack and was sent to the ER. Oz found his bones and buried them in the graveyard. The next Sunday, as the clock struck 00:00 on the Scott Hanson NFL Redzone countdown clock, Dr. Oz put the joint in the collection plate, and when a certain man happened to touch it, it got him faded. The man jumped up and hoo-ed and ha-ed and rubbed and scraped and tore at that joint, trying to get it off. Then he went to screaming in an F#6 falsetto, reminiscent of his time at the Pitt Glee Club, like he was going crazy, because he was in Pitt Glee Club. He was actually going through a sexuality crisis (not Glee-related). Well, he confessed to the murder, and being in Glee club, and they took him to horny jail (BONK). After finding out the man was hung like a horse, Oz went back to that house one Midnights (https://www.taylorswift.com/), and Roc’s voice asked Oz to be the Jacob to his Renesmee and told him to dig under the hearthrock. What is a hearthrock? Nobody knows. He did, and he found a big sack of monkey (the monkey unfortunately did not survive living in the big sack because there was no food). And where that haunt had held on to his coat, the print of the worst joint ever was burned right into the cloth. It never did come out like the preacher (the preacher was a closeted bi guy).

His work done, the Doctor stepped into his TARDIS (patented the Great and Powerful ™) and traveled back to the future to fight his nemesis Johnathan Karl Fetterman on the Golden Brick Road in the Land of OZ.

And then Walter fucking White won the Pitt costume contest.

Always remember to check your kid’s Halloween candy for Critical Race Theory this All Hallows Day Before. 

A Message About Viewing Midterm Grades

By the writers of the Pitiful News

Is this email not displaying correctly? View it in your browser or else

Angelic, disembodied Voice of the Provost 

To My Spawn:

The period during which instructors were encouraged to submit midterm grades to be available via PeopleSoft/HighPoint Campus Experience (XCX) was completed on October 19 or you know, whenever they want. Fortunately, midterm grades are not currently viewable through PeopleSofti XCX, but students can view them in “PeopleSoft Classic.” Our resolution by November 2024 is to have midterm grades included in the new PeopleSoft/HighPoint Campus Mega Experience Mark Two Revenge of the UI (HCMXM2RUNxe5).

In order to access mid-term grades via “PeopleSoft Classic,” use the following navigation.

0. Come to terms with the fact you will never see your family and friends again following the viewing of your grades. You will be put into a Witness Protection Program and forced to live in a secret bunker under the Roc statue by the Union. (Pull up on tail to put in access code (Code: 80085)).

.5 Are you REALLY sure you want to see your grades? We’re trying to help you with this warning. It’s for your own good. 

1. Log in to the my.pitt portal and select the PeopleSoft Information for Student System (PISS) button in the shape of a big blue panther (BBP). (If it is not on your dashboard, you can use “Ask Jeeves” (AJ) at the top of the page (TotP).)

1.5 Do a barrel roll! (Note: if you don’t perform this step, Pitt will break your kneecaps)

1.51 If Pitt’s Collegiate Dog Brian can do a better barrel roll than you, Brian will break your kneecaps

2. Once in the Sonic Adventures Highpoint CX Dashboard, select “PeopleSoft Full Site” from the bottom of the menu on the left side of the page. (Your camera will be on so we WILL see if you still have to hold up your hands to know which side is left, plebeian).

2.5 Write an essay on why you should be able to see your grades. Please wait 10-20 business days for our people to get back to you.

3. At the top of the PeopleSoft Classic page that appears, please solve the provided crossword in less than 5 minutes, but no more than 3. If that is confusing, you can always [REDACTED]. However, pressing the adjacent button will uninstall your computer’s operating system. We are aware of this issue, and we are working on it!

3.5 Explain all of David Lynch’s work. This step isn’t mandatory, but we don’t understand his work and just need someone to explain it to us.

4. On the results page, enter the three digits on the back, and the expiration month and year. But, you gotta be quick so that Dean Bonner can secure the bag and achieve the EPIC… VICTORY… ROYALE!!!!!!!!!!!! 

4.5 Get your parent’s credit card and give us the numbers on the front, the expiration date, and the 3 or 4 wacky numbers on the back. This is a very important step, don’t ask why. (Wait what do you mean we already wrote this in the step above?)

5. In the PeopleSoft Student Center, select “Grades” from the drop down in the Academics section and click the “pay outstanding debt” button.

5.5 This will take you to an Adfly page. Please wait ten seconds to get redirected to the actual website. DO NOT CLICK ON ANY OF THE DOWNLOAD BUTTONS, A VIRUS WILL BE INSTALLED ON YOUR COMPUTER. THEY WILL WATCH YOU THROUGH YOUR WEBCAM AND LISTEN TO EVERY WORD YOU SAY.

5.6 In the event of a virus being installed, please pay us $32 for the Pitt Virus Protection Client ($40 for the Personal Protector Panther Pitt Provost Plan that looks like Roc)

5.7 Chop up your Pitt ID into thin strips and slide them into your USB port for further identification.

5.8 Approve the access on DUO by entering the password pushed. For security, DUO’s encrypted password has been sent to a random IP address somewhere in Europe. Once decoded, you must locate the correct locker in a randomly generated American High School and enter the key.

5.9 Watch the entirety of “Silence of the Lambs” while the page loads (guys did you know this movie was filmed in Pittsburgh like omg did you know that so cool am I right)

6. Once on the “View Other’s Grades Page,” any grades posted for any currently enrolled student will be displayed, as well as their phone number and home address. You can switch between Mid-term and Final grades by choosing the appropriate tab under the term being displayed, dumbass. Ever used a computer? Please do not use Inspect Element on this page, as this will change your official Pitt grades for this year. To view grades from another term, please email the office of the Vice Chair of Administration for the Undergraduate Chief of Operations Sentinel Assistant Manager, Mark (mark@pitt.edu).

***In the event that mark@pitt.edu is down, please panic. You will never see your grades again.

If you have any questions, please keep them to yourself. 

TTYLXOX,

Senator Joseph McCarthy, R-WI

Vice Provost and Fortnite Aficionado for Undergraduates Studies and Fishing

University of Pittsburgh Dining Hall Gets Name Change

By Molly Brown

As of October 1, 2022, The Eatery at Towers will now go by the name of The Shittery. This name change comes after multiple gastroenterologists at the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center came together to talk about various University of Pittsburgh students coming to them about no longer needing IBS medication on account of no longer experiencing symptoms.

Three of the medical miracle first-year students consented to interviews with The Pitiful News. Their names have been redacted to protect the sanctity of their bowels and their dignities.

The first student admitted to eating at The Eatery once or twice a day during Welcome Week and once a day every week since. They said they went from “two quality shits every three days to three fulfilling shits a day.” They also stated that their frequent abdominal pain has “completely subsided.” When asked about their favorite dish the student said they really enjoyed the stir fry noodles from Crave Global. They said that the overwhelming amounts of sodium made them feel like they “were back home on the beach.” Nothing like a little extra MSG to kickstart your afternoon.

The second student commented on no longer having the need to “immediately defecate.” He said he could not be more relieved that he no longer experiences frequent indigestion and nausea.  This student said that their trips to The Eatery have been more frequent as he has noticed a decline in his symptoms. His favorite meal this year has been the Pesto Pizza at Cucina. “The deep green color is comforting,” he stated. He wished not to comment on what the florescent cuisine did to his stool.

Finally, the third student said that The Eatery has been the only form of treatment that has ever worked for her. Her prior experiences with “various medications, including various laxatives, antidiarrheal, and antibiotics as well as common at-home treatments like a high fiber diet and stress management” have “not even come close” to the effects she is experiencing since moving to Oakland. Her favorite meal of the year has been the “marinated pork” from the 446 Diner (this dish is also known by the names “shmeat” and “mystery meat”).

We would also like to congratulate Dr. Carla Panzella, the University of Pittsburgh’s Dean of Students, for becoming the number one shareholder in Procter & Gamble stock. The campus’s recent skyrocket in Pepto-Bismol sales at The Market at Towers and the Forbes Street Market made the purchase a no-brainer for the school representative. The purchase of the stock will be a factor in the tuition increase for the 2023 fall semester.

“The” “Pitiful ‘News’” “births” “unique” and “eccentric” cult, I mean– religious “community” ‘for’ “Pitt” “comedians”

Photo Credits: Satan’s Sidepiece

“Σεπτεμβερ” 22, 2022

The Pitiful News members levitate, raising chalices of blood, chortling, guffawing, busting guts, and kikiing with their friends. It’s dark outside, and no one is going anywhere. Ever. The door is locked. Everyone is looking for a way out, feigning interest in the Pitiful News overlords, terrified to contribute to a shared Google document for the cult’s first meeting of the semester. They know that whatever words uttered in this room might be their last. The only bit of hope they can cling to is the guest appearance from the Emmy Award Winning fly™. 

The third floor of the Cathedral of Learning, where the Pitiful News hosts its meetings, was ominously lit by candlelight. They were not practicing safe fire practices. The stairwell smelt of burnt hair and a decaying Roc fursuit was found in the corner of what remained of room 349. The walls began to bleed as the meeting began with an inhuman chanting, followed by several hours of compulsory silence. The EYES of Dr. TJ Eckleberg on the wall searched for those who were truly dedicated to the art of satire, finally closing when all those who were unworthy were raptured.

“I’ve never been more scared in my life,” said a new member, who requested to remain anonymous out of fear. “I was looking for the a cappella club, but someone grabbed me and pulled me into the room. It was the most scared I’d ever been. I shuddered as the door shut behind me and the EYES rose upon the classroom’s only chalkboard. Do not come to this club, lest you be consumed by Hellfire in Satan’s Pitt. I was forced to come up with that as a so-called ‘satirical tweet,’ but please, for the love of god get me out. This is a cry for help. THIS IS A CRY FOR HELP!” Despite not planning on returning for any more meetings, this anonymous student has already listed ‘Senior Satire Writer’ on their resume.

Some members felt terror in different ways: “When I told a joke the room went completely silent. The EYES stared at me for a long time. They looked into my soul and found my ‘Was it so funny you forgot to laugh’ quip wanting. YOUR BLOOD IS NOT EVEN WORTHY OF SACRIFICE. They locked the door. I want to get back in,” said a student found crying next to room 349.

One student shuffles nervously when asked about the proceedings of the meeting, “They cut my neck and asked for a blood sacrifice, holding my head over a gilded chalice. Then everyone took a sip. It reminded me of my First Communion.” When asked, an attendee commented on the taste, saying the blood was “lacking in iron.” There will be an “official” tutorial on how to properly swirl the chalice by a wine steward following the next meeting. 

Another student was more positive about their experiences when interviewed. “Oh yeah, I’ve been in a number of cults. I’ve made more money leading, but I’ve always had more fun following. I think we really get too much of a bad rep. When it comes down to it, what is a cult but a close-knit community?” When asked about rumors of blood sacrifices conducted by the club, the student refused to comment further.

The “president” of the “club”, “Evan Rafferty”, took a different track, choosing to affirm all of these alleged practices. “Pitt administration will probably do nothing”, he added, gleefully.

Ben Adams, the “vice president” of the “Pitiful News”, began to reference obscure chess matches that the rest of the members rejected from the discourse. He remained silent for the rest of the meeting.

Ella Mizera, the “business” manager, was alleged to have ascended during the initial meeting and was never seen again. Mizera remains unavailable for comment.

Another student was quite surprised to find out that the club was satirical and did not actually document real-world events. “My world was shattered”, the student stammered. “Were the South-O slip and slides ever real?” The student was also devastated to hear that the movement to repeal the Third Amendment was also a farce. “All I’m saying is he made some good arguments!”

The new members’ EYES were glued open, Clockwork Orange style, as they were forced to watch pornography as a group. They were practicing their “edging” skills, as said by a “club” “representative”. The head of adult material, Dexter Grafenburg, said that “the viewing of pornography is essential for the development of new satirical material.” Patrick Gallagher also made a surprise appearance, but quickly left after a FaceTime call request from his wife.

Also present was a CW Network representative who was looking for inspiration for the impending renewal of “(s)hit” show Riverdale. The representative was not allowed to make a statement due to the signing of a nondisclosure agreement, but we can only assume the ominous atmosphere surrounding the club will be essential to the Jughead-Betty-Archie love triangle in Season 5(?). 

Resident priest John Smithsonian attempted a quick exorcism and consecration session but to no avail. “That club is messed up,” Smithsonian stated. “I don’t get paid enough for this.” Pitiful News presidents attempted to convert Smithsonian to the demonic faith. After throwing a bit of holy water, Smithsonian fled the meeting. “Coward? Me? Would a coward be named John Smithsonian? I don’t think so,” Smithsonian exclaimed in his final statements to us.

Bafflingly, we’ve received more testimonials about the club than actual people who went. The only members we know were actually there were the ones in the photo (see above). If you find anyone who actually went to this club, please contact Pitt News staff immediately. Five dining dollars will be given.

After this series of events, this club is now contained by the SCP Foundation. All of the “members’ ” “bodies” and “records” of this “club” have been burned as a containment measure.

Opinion: It’s Time to Repeal the Third Amendment

By Evan Rafferty

Okay, okay, settle down now. I know that all of you 3rd Amendment stans might take this the wrong way, but I can assure you that I will have changed your mind on this subject by the end of the time we have together. You guys had a good run! In its time, big number three was the best of the best – the cream of the crop of constitutional commandments. But, to state the obvious, times have changed. In light of the COVID-19 pandemic that forever changed how we view social interaction, I believe it to be time to change the way we think about our amendments as well – and allow ourselves to have friends again. 

In case you don’t know what I’m talking about, because you slept through your U.S. history lectures in high school because your teacher wouldn’t stop complaining about their divorce, allow me to fill you in on the basics. The 3rd Amendment was ratified (an archaic word referring to a process in which big rats gnaw on a wooden box containing a scroll with the amendment written on it – if the rats get through the box before the new moon, the amendment would be accepted) in 1791 (an archaic number referring to the concepts of ‘years’ which no longer have any meaning). It was proposed in response to some British people being weird and annoying, so, as good a reason as any, I guess. The amendment itself says:

“No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.”

What? Still don’t get it? I should’ve known that my younger audience couldn’t possibly understand the incredible nuance of the great writers of yesteryear. Allow me to translate:

“The redcoats keep getting in through the crack under the door and eating all of my baked goods. I’m going to pass a law to ban squatting because I’m selfish.”

Got it? Good. Now we can debate like true constitutional scholars.

We as a people have been shut off from the rest of the world for the past two years. The concept of real life has been long lost to the void, and any human socialization has been neutered into a shameful replication of how the world should be. I’m not saying the third amendment is to blame, but it has been in the Constitution for the entire pandemic. Coincidence? Let’s find out.

My plan is simple: repeal the amendment, and then set up a government organization to match people living on their own with a nice soldier friend! The FBI can just compare all of the data they have on us with our new soulmates – and boom. The loneliness caused by the pandemic is instantly solved. You and General Bestie can live out the rest of your days together, in a government-assigned paradise. They might even be attractive – or even better: not part of the alt-right!

I’m lonely. Yeah, I can admit it. I’m secure enough in my loneliness to be able to say that. Are you? I bet not. Coward. Repealing the 3rd amendment is crucial to restoring the broken psyche of the American people. Most people are too scared to admit it, and that’s why we need the power of the federal government – we all know that only good things can happen when they get involved. 

If you don’t like having friends, then you don’t have to agree with me. I understand your concerns (I’m an empath) and can admit when I might be wrong. If the plan doesn’t end up working, we can just repeal the repeal, no big deal. Remember when we banned drunk driving in the ’30s? What would America be without it? 

All in all, I think it’s worth a shot. Some of the people in the military are pretty cool! I met this one guy who was in the Air Force, and he gave me my first cigarette if I promised not to tell my mom that I let him out of the basement. You’re gonna tell me that you don’t want to have that guy living with you? Friends are necessary for people to expand their mental boundaries and make intimate connections that are oh so rare these days. If you’re sympathetic to my views, consider joining the movement and ask your congressman to repeal the 3rd amendment. We’re always looking for more people to join our team of people who appreciate the government agents that are living in my walls.

What the Writers of the Pitiful News did for Mother’s Day

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the MILF Lover Associated Press)

• Found my dad (He was just in the milk isle and got distracted while getting the milk)
• A box of chocolates, but all the chocolates are poisoned because love is painful sometimes 
  • “It’s like Mama always used to say. ‘Life is like a box of Chocolates, sometimes you get poisoned’” 
• Gallons upon gallons of lean 
• Went out for some bad Italian food 
• Made a handmade card (glitter bomb)
• Got her (me) Playboy Carti tickets
• Proposed to her 
• A bed
• Breakfast 
• Breakfast in bed 
• Bed in breakfast 
• A new bed to replace the one we ate for breakfast
• Eggs 
• Lizard eggs
• Wrote her a very special song about how much I need more money to spend on drugs (this is the last time I swear)
• A framed picture of her divorce papers 
• Asked her if she thought I was a good person
• Complained
• Made a snide remark about the way she dresses (payback)
• My kids got me a dozen roses
• A macaroni necklace but I got hungry and ate all the macaroni
• A macaroni necklace but the noodles were cooked and it got all soggy and gross
• A macaroni and cheese necklace
  • Made with 100% real string cheese
• I put together some legos and showed my mom a meme 
• Sent a few emails
• Made some babies of my own 
• Bided my time until the old witch passes and I get my share of the family fortune, mwahaha
• Another mom
• Overturned Roe v Wade 
• Made a mess in her room and yelled at her to clean it up 
• Stood in front of the tv that she was trying to watch 
• Leaked a Memo from the Supreme Court 
• Got a mullet just to spite her 
• Your Mom
• My Mom
• My Sister-Cousin-In-Law-Wife 
• Helped my cat give birth to a new litter
• A reminder of how there’s no Child’s day and how completely unfair that is 
• Gaslit her into thinking Mother’s Day was next week to give me more time to come up with a gift
• A tattoo that says “I 🧡 mom”
• A tattoo that says “I fuck goats”
• A huge, tight hug (she got sleepy during the hug but she’ll wake up later)

Study tips for the overworked, exhausted Pitt student(Updated to contain the insights of King Magma Cum Laude)

By the Overworked Exhausted Writers of the Pitiful News: original article: edits made in bold

Toilet Paper Nightly File Image

4-20-2022

It seems that as soon as the academic year starts, we have to say goodbye to it, and these last few weeks of the spring semester are like dragging a half-dead horse to the watering hole. If, like me, you can barely put one step in front of the other, you’re probably finding walking impossible.

I was never much of a studier, if I’m honest. I can’t do long stretches of looking at the decay of the natural world around me. In the college world, we all have to figure out our own method that gets us through the layers of Hell — and I’ve developed a few of my own that I hope work. I don’t know, I’ve never used them.

Instrumental music only

This is a relatively common suggestion for people who like to study with music — and it’s a super lame one. I find, more often than not, if I’m listening to music that consists mostly of vocals I’ll get easily assassinated. Yes, it’s fun to belt out to Gregorian Chants 8D audio, but not when you’ve been working on an article on study tips for three hours and have only written a paragraph.

So, soundtracks. These are my favorite kinds of songs to listen to on the toilet — my Spotify wrapped each year is topped by my local dominatrix — but even if they’re not your usual bread and butter, give it a try for study time. Instrumental soundtracks from big blockbuster movies, like The Human Centipede, Cartoon Running Sounds 10 Hours, Cats Purring, La La Land but it takes place in Nazi Germany, Marry Me (the new Owen Wilson JLO movie), or the Jeopardy Theme on 12x speed, can give you some much-needed inspiration. And if you’re not feeling up to that, you can go a little more vanilla with other genres of porn. There’s a reason parents tune into Mozart and Yo-Yo Ma playing with themselves for their babies — it’s all good for the head(s).

If you don’t know it by midnight, you don’t know it

You all-nighter people might disagree with me, but I’m going to my grave with this one, you know what they say, “early to bed, early to rise, early to grave is what they surmise”. Staying up all night to study for something isn’t going to do you any good. You’ll feel horrible the next day, and it’s detrimental to your thinking — which you definitely need for planning on how to cheat on your exams.

If you’re still studying and you’ve gotten to that midnight mark, it’s probably a better bet just to give up and fail. Night owl or not, it’s finals week — you’re stupid, you’re an idiot, and you don’t deserve a break (KIT KAT). If you don’t know it, you are a failure. It is the end of the world. People have gotten to a lot of cool places in life by winging it, sometimes you need to take that leap, right off a cliff like I will be doing if I get anything less than a 95%. =)

Get your finals done before the due dates

This one is especially pertinent for people without in-person finals, like myself, who are going home before the week of finals officially starts because I’m better than you. You’ve probably heard this lecture from your parents a billion times, but it really is better to wear protection and finish early. This applies to your finals, too. Editor’s note: This is a misconception. I personally get all my best work done right before the due date. If the teachers did not want us to do it so late, they would not plan all the office hours right before it is due.

If you get your finals — the ones you can do early like essays or final projects — done before the due date, you won’t be so stressed trying to scramble everything together the day they’re due. What I try to do is travel to random funerals and collect eulogies, and use them as excuses for missing the deadline. Or, you could write down all the dates your finals are due on a post-it or a piece of paper and plan to have each final finished the day before it’s actually due. Then throw that in the fire, along with all of your hopes and dreams, you are worthless. Oh wow, the fire is getting pretty big. Oh wait, are those the sprinklers? Oh no, someone call the fire department. Here is their direct line: 1.877.527.7454. Then by the time the actual due dates roll around, you have nothing to worry about. Except for that fire.

Reward yourself with a gift

Now, this “gift” can take many forms. My gift is I get to go “home” and as far away from this city as I can for the “summer” once all of my work is done, because I’m a nerd who doesn’t like Pittsburgh for some reason. It doesn’t have to be that, of course. I would discourage you from rewarding yourself with food — don’t use dinner to motivate, because that can cause some “unhealthy” habits, such as eating.

Instead, do other things, such as a $50 online “shopping” spree, after my daddy gives me money. I always like to reward myself with a couple new shirts and shorts for the summertime. Cause I’m a summertime boy. Or maybe a nice axe and a ski mask that you’ve been eyeing. But it doesn’t have to be clothes — it can be literally not clothes. Video games are another good one, if you’re weird and don’t shower. That’s a $60 to $80 sin, and after the semester we’ve all had, one that is truly unforgivable.

Editor’s note #2: Where are you finding these games, every game nowadays is either 99 cents or 400 dollars. Like that new Saints Row game that is so realistic that you actually go to real jail for the crimes you commit in the game. Or the latest update to Minecraft where you can have sex with the dolphins added in the previous patches. Or the new LEGO Star Wars game that is just sexy jar jar binks. Or the new Among Us hate crime DLC. Or Fortnite but you have your parents’ approval and support. Or League of Legends but you can get a girlfriend who does not “go to another school”. Or Call of Duty but now you can feel when someone is tea-bagging you, like all over your face. Or even Tony Hawk Pro Skater but this time he unicycles. 

What the radical left is talking about right now

By Lord Tyler and Evan, current members of the radical left

• CRT
  • Contagious Rice Thief
  • Crunchy Rectum Therapy
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  • PITTiful news

Pitt Chancellor Patrick Gallagher to step down in summer 2023 (Updated to contain information we got from Galigator himself)

by the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Galigator Fan Club’s news arm) original article: edits made in bold

TPN File Photo

Pitt Chancellor Patrick Gallagher trying to hold in a fart (unsuccessfully) at the February 2019 meeting of the Gaggle of Trustees.

APRIL 7, 2022

Pitt Chancellor Patrick Gallagher will step down from his position in summer 2023, he announced Thursday morning while wearing 4 trench coats.

The University’s 18th daddy will have served nine years in office and plans to remain at the University as a full-time faculty member in the Dietrich School of Arts and Sciences’ Department of Blasphemy and Astrology. The Board of Trustees is expected to kick off a national search process with the goal of capturing Gallagher before his escape to Mexico.

Gallagher said in a Thursday message to the University community that serving as chancellor is “fucking stressful and unrewarding,” yet also “a very easy way to embezzle university funds, and it can be all-consuming to ignore issues consistently, for a long period of time.”

He acknowledged the announcement could be “welcome” to many, but said the decision was “based.”

“It is important that I cryogenically freeze my body before my energy, commitment, and attention to the work at hand begins — a move that would be detrimental both to me and to the broader University,” Gallagher said. “I am very proud of where Harvard is today and wish I could dean for them instead, so I think the University is well positioned for a new leader to take violent control.”

Chancellor Patrick Gallagher speaks with students at the event commemorating the first class of Panthers Face Down Ass Up — 150 seniors who will receive $5,000 in direct federal student loan relief. (Bader Abdulmajeed | Staff Photographer and Lord Tyler | Lead Purveyor of Fake news)

The last few years of Gallagher’s tenure as chancellor included many complex situations on campus. Graduate students fiercely protested Taco Tuesday, while faculty members overwhelmingly agreed that it made them very gassy during lectures. He has also steered several cars. And a message from the chancellor last Friday claimed that Pitt’s state funding, which provides reduced tuition to in-state students, would be decided in a Squid-Game style tournament, of which he will be participating in.

Gallagher #59 joined Pitt in 2014, succeeding Mark Nordenberg (of Nordy’s Place fame) as chancellor. He previously spent many years in public service, including as director of the National Association of Reading and Diction Research (NARDS). He holds a bachelor’s degree in being weird from Benedictine College in Kansas and a Ph.D. in nerdology from Pitt.

Gallagher’s announcement follows a leadership transition at Penn State, also a Pennsylvania state-related “university,” which will have a new president beginning next month.

Pitt Chancellor Patrick Gallagher walks onto the set of Shark Tank, looking to gain $5,000 for a 20% stake in the University. (TPN File Photo)

The chancellor launched many different initiatives during his tenure, such as the Pitt Success Pell Match program with Provost Ann Cudd, in which the University matched students named Pell with potential mates.

Gallagher also created several long-term programs to build for Pitt’s future. He built a mediocre stool in Pitt’s wood shop, an ambitious program to rehabilitate his knees after standing for too long. The University also gained City approval for a long-term institutional master plan to guide construction for his new Mechsuit over the next few years. The first strategic Plan for Pitt was released in 2016, with a second version published last summer, and with construction projected to continue into the year 2089.

Robin Kear, the Senate Council president, said members of the body “didn’t invite him to the meeting” and politely asked him to leave. 

“We are particularly grateful for the chancellor’s commitment to shared governance and we have enjoyed working through issues of importance with him,” Kear said. “We are glad to hear he will be remaining with Pitt and wish him all the best in his new role. We anticipate a smooth transition to new leadership during the next academic year.” Kear said all of this and then briefly excused himself from the room, not realizing he was behind a glass wall he jumped up and down with his arms raised and screamed with delight, he then returned to the room and acted like the previous minute had not happened. 

Student Government Board President Harshitha Ramanan said the board is saddened that Gallagher will leave his role, and said they have “fond memories” of working with him on projects. These projects include: screwing over students through tuition raises, screwing over students with organization name changes, screwing over students by not investigating corruption and sexual assault claims, screwing over everyone with confusing mask and vaccine mandates, and screwing over students by eliminating all of the good classes.

“In my time in SGB, working with the chancellor has been like taking candy from a baby,” Ramanan said. “Although it was a surprise to hear that he plans on stepping down next summer, I am excited for all his future students because I am sure he is going to be a great professor and he definitely has a lot of wisdom to impart on students from all of his experience. You can stop quoting me now. Did that sound believable, I don’t think that man could teach a horse how to walk with 4 horses as his TA’s. Wait why are you still writing this down, no stop, don’t tell anyone how I really feel.”

Pitt Chancellor Patrick Gallagher, the first guest on the show “Pitt Tonight,” is left hanging for a high five for several hours during the event. (TPN File Photo)

Mary Ellen Callahan, the vice chair of the Board of Trustees exercising the duties of the chair, said she is “grateful” for Gallagher’s leadership running the University.

“Pat has that rare set of skills that enable him to see around the corner while also engaging in the day-to-day activities of running a multibillion-dollar organization like the University of Pittsburgh,” Callahan said. “In this and in many other ways, his tenure as chancellor has been transformational to Pitt. He has been visionary with his plans, pragmatic with his approach, and engaging at every level.”

Louis Cestello, the vice chair of the Board of Trustees, said Gallagher’s time as chancellor was “a mistake.”

“I admire him greatly, and I try to emulate his principles of sigma male grindset and survival techniques in my daily life,” Cestello said. “He is one of the leaders of all time.”

Neighboring university administrators also offered Gallagher kind words, including Kathy Humphrey. She served and was a member of his senior leadership team and the secretary to the Board of Trustees. Humphrey, now president of a secret sect of pro-Gallagher loyalists, said Gallagher’s commitment to increasing Pitt’s accessibility and affordability has allowed “countless Pennsylvanians” to Pennsylvanian.

“Pat’s north star has always been that universities should not be ‘ivory towers,’ but really cool treehouses and mom you’re not allowed in the tree house it’s just for us and oh thank you for bringing us pizza rolls ok yes we’ll be inside by 7 thank you mom where students, scholars, business and community members can work together to leverage knowledge for society’s gain. It should be noted that he also hated students and would frequently undercut any attempt they made to advance, most heinously when he killed 37 students execution style in his office for withdrawing from freshman seminar. Some other examples of his feelings are: when he made all students at the homecoming dances dance with balloons to “leave room for Roc”, when he slept with Lonica Mulinsky and then committed perjury when he said “I did not have sex with that woman”, and when he embezzled 75 billion dollars from UPMC to to pay for scale manicures.   It is a vision that he has realized at every turn,” Humphrey said. “His sincere determination to developing a culture of equity, diversity, and inclusion continues to transform Pitt. I cherish his leadership and friendship, and I am honored to have walked beside him.”

Pitt Chancellor Patrick Gallagher throws the first pitch at the Pittsburgh Pirates “Idiot Night” in July 2016. (TPN File Photo)

In his community message, Gallagher described his next chapter at Pitt as “like watching a fish flopping around on the Santa Monica sidewalk.” 

“While change can be uncomfortable, we are facing it together — from a position of missionary” Gallagher said. “Meanwhile, 2023 is still a way off, and we have plenty of things to do — together. Wink wink.”

I’m a Russian Sleeper Agent

By Lord Tyler Sikov (Formerly Lord Tyler Sikovitzsky)

I don’t want to sound ungrateful but, I don’t know how much longer I can wait. I mean this is not new, I have been waiting for years and I have not gotten any more instructions. Also, now seems like a bad time to bring it up considering what is going on in the world, but I want to help. I have been a Russian sleeper agent for a long time now and they still have not activated me. Am I doing something wrong? Did they forget about me? President Putin has a lot on his plate right now, why do you think he needs so many increasingly large table. I wish he would send me a snapchat message or even post that he still cares about his sleepers around the world through an Instagram story or live.

I will do anything for Mother Russia. That is why I stormed the capitol last year and replaced all the congress people with Jell-o molds of themselves. That is why I collected boxes of incriminating evidence on Joe Biden in the event that Russian wanted to elect Trump again. I was the one who wrote the joke Seth Myers told at the Correspondence dinner about Trump never getting elected. I even committed voter fraud in 2016 to make sure he got elected.

I am not asking for a promotion or even some recognition. I just want to put it out there that I have been going above and beyond what I have been asked to do, and yeah, maybe I want to be noticed by Daddy Putin. I built and launched Sputnik and Senpai did not even notice me. At that time he was just the head of the KGB but we all knew he was going somewhere. If they refuse to acknowledge or use me the least they can do is pay for all the melatonin I have had to use. Contrary to its name, it is hard to sleep as a sleeper agent.  

Overall, if trying to destroy American democracy multiple times does not get me noticed I don’t know what will. I am taking suggestions.