We recently got the covid vaccine, here are some of the side effects we have experienced:

By the writers of the Pitiful News (formerly the Pittiful Coups)

COVID-19 Vaccine Firm Soars 650% — Pfizer and BioNTech's Story
  • Social isolation as all of my family and friends have gotten Moderna, whereas I have gotten Pfizer
  • Inflated bank account
  • Inflated ego
  • Inflation kink
  • Optimism for the future
    • Immediately followed by depressive episode
  • Mommy my awm huwts :(
  • Phat ass 
  • Death
  • Became president of a new country
  • Got beetlejuiced
  • Got stickbugged lol
  • Sexy disease. It’s not contagious, don’t worry losers. 
  • Sharp decline in IQ, possibly unrelated
  • Well I got moderna so that’s more of a body high than pfizer 
  • Became a Republican
  • I am starting to like Bill Gates now? I just think he’s one of those cool billionaires, you know?
  • Developed this little voice in my head telling me to buy a Microsoft Surface™ 
  • Grew hooves
  • Uncontrollable urge to read Ayn Rand
    • The Fountainhead is a masterpiece, dude
    • Atlas Shrugged is a close second
  • I unironically like glee now. 
  • Intense succulent craze
  • Inability to stop watching the Twilight movies
  • Reading backwards
  • Redbubble sticker obsession
  • Failing my finals
  • Choosing chartreuse as my favorite color
  • Heat exhaustion from waiting in the sun for 4 hours
  • Became left-handed
  • Became an android user 
  • Turned gay
  • Turned straight 
  • Turned on
  • Turned away. I forgot my insurance card :(
    • I didn’t think you needed an insurance card
    • Wtf they lied to me 
  • Became a theater kid
  • Got coronavirus, somehow?
  • Humanities major disease. Also known as unemployment-itis. 
    • Business major disease. Also known as moral corruption.
  • I’m not funny anymore – I’m starting to wonder whether I ever was
  • Melted my teeth, and now I chew in liquidity
  • A bit tired
  • Traded my skull in for a wooden replica, now I have a splinter on my brain
  • Learned to play the ocarina. Sadly this is not exactly a marketable skill.
  • Frequent nosebleeds
  • Constant nosebleeds
  • Complete lack of nosebleeds (which is worrying, because I used to get frequent nosebleeds)
    • I also don’t have a nose?
  • Became Peanut Butter?
    • Became Jelly?
  • Je peux parler seulement le Français
  • Unstoppable, uncontrollable urge to throw it back
  • Grew another penis
  • Wet mouth
    • Damn, without me? 
  • Dry mouth
    • Damn, without me?
  • My back aches, my bra’s too tight, my hips shake/From left to right 
  • Became a SoundCloud Rapper
  • Resurrection
    • Resuscitation
    • Rotisserie
    • Robespierre
  • Mild Nausea
  • Medium Nausea 
  • Spicy Nausea
  • Sweet Sriracha Nausea
  • Severe Nausea 
  • Thick and Chunky Nausea

We Don’t Care About the British Royal Family, Here’s What We Did This Week

By 3 out of Writers of the Pitiful News (formerly the Pittiful news)

Only 1 Member of the British Royal Family Has a Cat - Here ...
  • Went to the camo store, but couldn’t find anything??
  • **~~ uwu made bread~*~*
  • I read the entirety of the supernatural fanfiction on wattpad
  • Decided on a new club name
  • Beat up Tyler
  • Mutilated Tyler
  • Sacrificed Tyler
  • Resurrected Tyler
  • Killed Tyler again, but with more gusteau
  • Sent Tyler’s limbs and head to 5 of his close friends and/or relatives
  • Learned to read in Times New Roman
  • Paint over the “dog person” mug i got from my grandma so it says “cat person”
  • Slowly ripped out pages from my textbooks and ate them
  • तत्किं करोमि
  • Went to the bullet store to get more bullet points for this list
  • Asked many dumb questions
    • Despite the fact that I have google
  • Had ants on a log
  • Had celery with peanut butter and raisins 
  • Had celery with Peanut butter and raisins
    • He is fine, just some of his hair
    • It is honestly hard to eat anything without his hair in it
  • Tax evasion (see my tax evasion article)
  • Steierhannerzéiung
  • Had a teenage dream
  • Got arrested for said teenage dream
  • Informed all of my neighbors that I am a registered sax offender
  • Hit my head with a rock until I forget how to play the sax, as I keep offending them
  • Went to the bullet store to sell the excess bullet points from this list

Here are a few websites we have stumbled upon recently

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Pittiful News)

  •  LordTylerSikov.gov
    • Our lord Tyler Sikov must have an online presence. Click the link to worship.
  • spitifulnews.com
  • spitefulnews.com 
  • splitifulnews.com
  • theundergroundpitifulnews.com
    • A secret website to rebel against the tyrannical reign of “Lord” Tyler Sikov — run by our rightfully elected leader, the spider.
  • the underwearpitifulnews.com
    • theunderwhere?pitifulnews.com
  • bees.com
    • reroutes to pitifulnews.wordpress.com
  • trees.com
    • reroutes to leaves.com
  • spiderfulnews.com
  • smellingmarkers.com
  • moneybank.cash
  • Hot Singles In Your Area!
  • http://pitt.edu/~tys24/1/
    • Lord Tyler’s real website
  • unlimitedspace.org
    • Free storage for all, just give them your social security number and they will store all your money for you. Not a bank.
  • totallyLegitAntiVirisThatWillGiveYouMoreVirises.viris/getFreeVirises
    • corona.viris
  • unlimitedspiders.org
    • A place for all of your spider needs
  • freerealestate.com
  • twitter.com
  • ericsocarina.com
    • Click to play!
  • urkh.com
    • A website made by cavemen for cavemen
  • pornhub.com
    • cornhub.com
  • howdoimakeawebsite.jpeg
  • onlyfans.gov
  • godzillavskongspoilers.net
    • Save yourself the two hours and read this instead
  • com.munism 
    • OUR website ☭, com.rade
  • inter.net
  • :O.net/hacked4Life
    • Not a rickroll
  • https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ
    • Not a rickroll
  • thepringlefullnews.com
  • spider.web
  • 52yearoldseatingfettuccinealfredo.com
    • REAL 52 year olds eating fettuccine alfredo RIGHT NOW
  • dieInAPit.gov/weHateYou
    • Pwease 
(´。• ᵕ •。`) ♡

    uwu

  • dieInAPitiful.gov/weLoveYou
    • It is a love hate relationship
  • dieInAPitt.gov/weHateYou
    • We love your money
  • dieInAPittiful.gov/weHateYou
    • Our website from before the divorce
    • she took the url in the divorce

Former Pitt official indicted on charges of selling COVID masks on eBay (updated to contain information we overheard while confusedly shopping for Matzah)

By the Writers of the Pittiful News: Original article  Edits made in bold

A federal grand ol’ jury has indicted a former University of Pittsburgh employee on a charge of transporting stolen Mardi Gras masks that could have been used for STD protection by selling them on Wayfair (you’ve got just what I need) for personal pleasure.

The case against Christopher “D. is for dick joke” Cassamento, 42, was unsealed from its eternal prison Wednesday in the U.S. District Court. He is officially charged with intermolecular transportation of stolen property.

Mr. Cassamento was director of emergency vibe check management at Pitt and had access to personal erotic equipment (PEE), such as N95 masks and those sticky rubber hand things that you fling at walls, for use by Hooters employees, students, and the rats that live in the walls of Lothrop Hall.

From Feb. 30, 2020, to March 22, 2020, he stole 13,615 masks, vibrators, and wind-up cars and sold them on his OnlyFans account, “steel-city-motor-toys,” and shipped to places outside of Pennsylvania, such as Philadelphia and the Suez Canal, according to the indictment.

He earned $69,420 (Nice) from the really cool scheme, the grandmaster wizard jury said. “They hate to see a girlboss winning,” said Mr. Cassamento when asked for a statement.

“At the start of the pandemic, when supplies of PEE were low and nationwide demand was intense, Mr. Cassamento used his position on the rooftop of the Cathedral of Learning and access to critical PEE to enrich himself at the various new plexiglass glory holes across campus,” said acting U.S. Attorney Stephen Coughman (formerly known as ‘Kaufman’, but he has legally changed his name in support of the pandemic).

“Mr. Cassamento had an obligation to make sure there was enough PEE to keep students and staff at the University of Pittsburgh hydrated,” said FBI Pittsburgh Special Agent in Charge of Urine-Related Mischief Michael Jesus Christman. “Instead, he chose to line his pockets. And by line, I mean make a big soggy big-boy accident all over campus. Him putting liquid in his pockets was how we caught him, actually.

In a statement, Pitt said that federal and state law enforcement notified the school via a series of promiscuous TikToks featuring Lil Huddy and Noah Neck in early July of the investigation into misappropriation of supplies in February and March 2020. Thanks Obama.

The university said it cooperated fully and that an internal organs black market review revealed that Mr. Cassamento, who had been employed at Pitt since 1907, stole the autoerotic asphyxiation equipment from university supplies.

His duties included distributing Jojo Siwa bedazzled equipment for essential Spencer’s employees, Pitt said. He was fired from a comically large confetti cannon like the clown he is on July 17, Independence Day.

Pitt also said in a hastily-written letter to the Pennsylvania branch of the CIA that it had not maintained an adequate stockpile of nuclear warheads and that the thefts did have an impact on fulfilling requests for intercontinental airstrikes on third-world countries.

Pitt has also said that they will not be buying any more masks, tests, or vaccines because spending more money will cut into their Scrooge McDuck vault filled with the money they should be spending on anything that is not removing parking lots.

The university said it is seeking a very long lap dance with prolonged eye contact as restitution for stolen masks from Mr. Cassamento.

He is free on James bond and will be arraigned in the U.S. District Court on April 1, at which point it will be revealed that this all was one big elaborate April Fool’s prank and we’ll all have a big laugh about it and go home. His attorney could only be reached through YouTube comments on Minecraft Let’s Plays on Wednesday due to a prior commitment to attend his least-favorite niece’s birthday party at a trampoline park.

Editor’s note: Due to all of this attention Mrs. Cassamento has left her husband and is now happily in a throuple with 2 vibrators she stole from his stockpile. 

What It Means to Be a Senior Writer: An Acceptance Speech

By Evan Rafferty

A lot of people said I would never make it. A lot of people never believed in me. Tonight, I prove all of them wrong. All of the haters, the posers, the dweebs, who looked me in my own two eyes when I told them that I wanted to be a senior writer here at the soon-to-be-not-Pittiful News and laughed at my aspirations. This one’s for them.

Here at the future-ex-Pittiful News, much like your classic hyper-religious cult, the more you contribute to the overlords (either in new blood or in written worship via satire), the higher you rise in the ranks. It has been a long, hard, grueling five months since my first worship was published under the artist-formerly-known-as-Pittiful News branding. I’ve been on a non-stop grind since that fateful day when I first felt my true calling: writing really bad, extremely tangential ‘satire’ articles for no wage (I do take tips- Venmo: @*REDACTED*).

I’d like to start off by thanking my greatest mentor, who has always provided me a clear path to the future and an even clearer mind: the great Tekućina Voda. Every time that I feel myself getting overwhelmed, or needing a reminder of my existence in my mortal form, or if just my teeth are a bit dry, I simply call upon his almighty power and request that his remaining physical presence on this dying planet be inserted into my mouth, and quench my thirst. 

To begin this speech tonight, it’s important to remember my roots and first thank the single most important living being in my life. While quite a small little guy himself, he has left an impressively large impact on my persona and has always looked after me whenever I was confused, lost, or hurt, especially after that car accident coming down I-95 at 104 miles per hour where I hit a sick jump ramp off the side in the highway. Before you ask, I’m fine, I only lost two digits: the pinky finger from my left hand and the number in the hundreds place from my IQ. This great fellow is, of course, amazingly talented Jake Wood! Wait, not that weird military guy, I meant the actor. Like the guy who voices the GEICO Gecko. The Insurance Reptile. That’s the joke.

The first person that I need to display my gratitude to is the person who originally invented this great form of comedy, many eons ago. A pioneer of personal expression, and a mastermind of creating creative creations: the one and only Christopher H. Satire. If that’s the first time you’re hearing that name, I wouldn’t be surprised. Only people that are registered with the American Satire & Slapstick Literature Union of Volunteers (ASSLUV) are allowed to meet with our leader in person and hear his wisdom. They have granted me this opportunity to share his glory today as I accept my position as a senior writer.

Finally, I’d like to begin tonight’s speech with a call to action, like every good politically active celebrity and so I can get more Instagram followers. The world as we know it is fading away. Every second, more and more of what makes this planet home dies, and sooner rather than later, we will all go with it. That is why I implore you, all of you, to start posting more funny stuff on Twitter. The fewer times I have to refresh my timeline in the hopes of a good chuckle, the more power we save from my personally designed and constructed crude oil drill built into the side of Cardiac Hill that directly powers my phone with the souls of the dead flora and fauna that used to walk these ancient mountains.

Thank you.

How to Save the Environment

By the Writers of the Pittiful News

  • Murder Someone 
  • Reuse Paper:
    • Old Documents such as Taxes, Parking Tickets, Famous Paintings
  • Totes Use tote bags to carry all your groceries, purchased or unpurchased. As well as any small dogs, leftover food in trash cans, or knives you find laying around
    • the bloodier the better
  • Walk places. 
  • Upcycle some of your old bed sheets into fashionable dresses. Even the ones with mysterious stains on them. 
  • Downcycle old clothing into quilts for the entire lifecycle
  • Don’t exhale. 
    • Alternatively, breathe backwards. Like a plant.
  • No food, no farts.  Halt your methane production with fasting.
  • Vacuum up all the world’s oceans so that no one can pollute them.
    • Or just put a filter in the pool. Big pool.
  • Flip your condoms inside out for a second use
  • Live in a shed in the woods
    • Or just the woods
  • Destroy any non-electric cars
    • All cars
  • Contract tuberculosis.
  • Stop using toilets. Shit in a hole instead.
    • Save the trees. No toilet paper.
  • Eat out.
    • Brought to you by your local lesbian association
  • Kill a second person
  • Move to another galaxy
  • Give the environment a first aid kit 
  • Sacrifice Brendon Urie to the environmental overlords
    • Would you call that the death of a bachelor
      • WOAH
  • Eat mushrooms
  • Scavenge for mushrooms in the woods with small picnic baskets
  • Pick berries and say hello to the animals
  • Just absorb the energy of the earth and sit on moss 
  • Grow moss on your body instead of wearing clothes. 
  • Kill off everyone above 65, once you retire, you are no use to society anymore
  • Kill off everyone under 18, they’re no use to society anyway. 
  • Become a cactus so you use less water
  • Eat less meat
    • OR exclusively eat things that you find dumpster diving 
  • Let mushrooms eat you
  • Eat worms for protein
  • Do it faster
  • Kill all white people
  • Get one of those filters that turns your pee into water and uh…
    • slurp
  • Use plastic straws instead of metal so the turtles have something to eat 
    • Or, controversial opinion, bring the cup to your mouth and skip the straw step
  • Take some ice cubes from your freezer and put them outside to stop the globe from warming
  • Kill frequent sneezers to conserve energy
  • No heaters. Just hugs.
    • or living in the carcass of a large animal. It’s like a super hug.
      • Leonardo DiCaprio ghost wrote this 
  • Stop using toothbrushes. And toothpaste.
  • Don’t shower – go for a swim in the refreshing Pittsburgh river triad
  •  Apologize to your local trees for all the paper you’ve wasted on failed attempts at drawing Dan and Phil fanart. 
  • Don’t waste electricity by plugging in your phone. Buy a new phone every time your old one dies. 
  • Kill off people who don’t love cats
    • Brought to you by PETA
  • Use book pages as toilet paper
  • Save air and stop commenting on how large my mcdonalds order is when we go through the drive-thru together please
  • Befriend local bacteria.
  • We need to stop using spoken language and start tap dancing in Morse code as our primary form of communication.  
  • Eat plastic. 
  • Tinder is a huge power-waster. Just fornicate with friends.
    • From the makers of Words With Friends: Fornicate With Friends!
  • Eat Pokemon.
  • The only machine you should use is a local beefcake.
  • Use another person as your mask in order to not have the plastic mask waste in your carbon footprint
  • Wear shoes a size smaller 
    • Makes your carbon footprint smaller
    • Also uses less materials
  • Have smaller children.
    • Kill them off early, too.
  • Have smaller dogs. 
  • Kill a third person

A March Madness Master Class

By Evan Rafferty

    Believe it or not, it’s that time of year again. You’ve gotten past the horrific realization that it has been over a year since the start of the coronavirus panorama, you’ve survived the ides of March (for now), and you can finally relax and enjoy the beauty of college basketball in its purest form: a sixty-four team, single-elimination, balls to the wall chaos fest known best as March Madness. Of course, that means that it’s time to pretend that you know anything about sports, statistics, or the future and lock in your picks for your tournament bracket. Unfortunately, you’re wrong. But you don’t have to be. If you follow my instructions, I can guarantee that you will maybe, potentially, possibly, hypothetically, win your pool and pocket some sweet Venmo bucks from the losers. Of course, I can’t go in-depth into every single game- that’s a premium feature that you’ll have to subscribe to my private Snapchat account to get. DM for more info. Let’s begin.

THE WEST

You would think that #1 seed Gonzaga would have an easy first-round game, but according to my ESPN sources, they will actually be playing two teams at once in a last-ditch effort from the NCAA to nerf the Bulldogs. Unfortunately, both of these teams (Norfolk State and Appalachian State) are from the east coast, and as this is the western part of the bracket, will obviously be out of their home environment. I’m giving this one to Gonzaga in a nailbiter.

    The next game I’ll talk about is the 5 seed Creighton and 12 seed UCSB, or Universal Colossal Sonic Blaster. This incredibly advanced satellite protects the entire Earth with a massive gun that fires sonic blasts that can instantly decimate an invading extraterrestrial force. For this reason, however, the UCSB is pointed away from the Earth, and an engineering flaw makes it so the sonic blasts wouldn’t even work on rubber spheres. Talk about a stroke of luck for the Bluejays, who take this game in a landslide.

    The final free coverage game from the west bracket is the University of Iowa, a 2 seed, versus the entire Grand goddamn Canyon. I don’t think I need to explain this one. The greatest natural wonder of the world is enough to move any being to tears from its extreme beauty, and it’s pretty hard to play basketball while you’re crying. I would know. The Grand Canyon takes this one.

THE EAST

    Our first game out of the east will be LSU vs. St. Bonaventure. Saint Bonaventure was a medieval Italian philosopher and theologian, who died in 1274 A.D., and is the patron saint of bowel disorders. That’s not a joke. Against any other team, old Saint Bonny would be using his powers of pants-pooping to distract the other team, but we all know that there is no God in Louisiana. The Tigers win. 

    Next up is the University of Texas versus Abilene Christian University. ACU has had a great year, and Texas has often struggled and looked beatable against good teams, especially those that can shoot the basketball. It really comes down to the raw talent of the Longhorns against the great ACU defense which forces an absurd amount of turnovers per game (547 on the season- first in the entire NCAA). Ah, who am I kidding. A big longhorn would definitely kick Willie the Wildcat’s ass. Texas survives a close one and moves on.

THE MIDWEST

    Our first debate from the midwest sector starts with what is sure to be one of the most exciting first-round matchups of this 2021 tournament, 8 seed Loyola Chicago and 9 seed Georgia Tech. Both teams won their conference tournaments, the Missouri Valley and Atlantic Coast respectively, so each group of lads is coming into this showdown hot. Unfortunately for Tech, I really like dogs and yellow jackets are scary and might sting me. Loyola Chicago starts what could potentially turn into a Cinderella run and moves into the round of 32.

    The second game I’ll go over is San Diego State versus Syracuse, a 6 seed and 11 seed matchup that is sure to draw some anticipation. SDSU ranks 20th in the kenpom overall rankings, with Syracuse all the way down at 41, showing a stark contrast in terms of talent for each team as they come into the tournament. San Diego State represents the Aztecs, an incredible warrior Mesoamerican culture that flourished from 1300 to the 1500s. You would think that this would give them the edge against an orange (which is Syracuse’s mascot, for unexplained reasons, possibly witchcraft or CIA classification), but fruit is actually really good for you, and you should probably eat more! Plus, we all know how people react to a good father-son relationship, and coach Jim Boeheim and his son Buddy are a prime example of a white, upper-class, feel-good story that will surely win a couple of games for absolutely no reason. Syracuse gets the dub.

THE SOUTH

    This is the part of the bracket that I’m most excited about, but maybe not for the reason you’d think. That’s the difference between you and me- I’m always thinking thirty-seven steps ahead. An amateur bracketologist might be excited about Baylor or the hot hand in Arkansas making the final four, but they’re missing the two ACTUAL best teams in the south quadrant – Colgate University and Oral Roberts University. Colgate will use the powers of corporate sponsorship to brush past the Razorbacks, and Oral Roberts will utilize their godly oral skills to out-kiss Ohio State, which doesn’t know a damn thing about mouths. But then, you may be asking yourself, what happens when these two teams meet up in the Sweet 16? Surely one of them has to advance to play Baylor in the Elite 8? 

    No.

    You see, this is what ESPN and all the other big sports companies don’t want you to find out- Colgate and OralU are a perfect match for each other. Colgate’s toothpaste is the soulmate to Oral Roberts’ mouth. One can’t survive without the other. I predict that this game will be the first-ever recorded tie in the NCAA tournament. And, for some stupid reason, ESPN won’t let me account for that in my bracket! I’ve emailed the Chairman of ESPN and Sports Content for The Walt Disney Company, James Pitaro, to try and solve this transgression, and I’ll report back with his reply. Until then, the tournament cannot legally proceed, and I’m using my Pittiful News paycheck to hire the best lawyer around- a first-year student named Justin who is thinking about maybe doing pre-law if his supply chain major falls through. I think he’ll get the job done, so I’m giving this matchup to Justin. A major upset against the mighty mouse of Walt Disney, but crazier things have happened in March. Happy Madness, everyone.

How to get over the extreme low you feel after Pi day has ended

By the Writers of the Pittiful News

Happy National Pi Day 2015! | Stamping With Karen
  • Drink a pi-nt of beer 
  • Drop by CVS to get Pi Day decor at 3.1415… percent off
  • Assassinate Julius Caesar
  • Eat Tyler’s cat 
    • no
    • okay but, like, what if…?
  • Read some Shakespire
  • Take down the Pi Day tree
    • O Pi Day tree, O Pi Day tree, thou art a symbol national
    • O Pi Day tree, O Pi Day tree, thou represent’st th’irrational
    • Your boughs so warm in oven’s heat, remain so warm on the cookie sheet
    • O Pi Day tree, O Pi Day tree, thou art a symbol national 
  • Assassinate the Little Caesar’s mascot
    • Implying the existence of a Big Caesar, who will also be terminated
      • “Why, man, he doth bestride the narrow world like a Big Caesar.” – Papa John
      • “The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars/But in ourselves.” – John Green
      • “You put the killing 3.1415 right between your teeth, but you don’t give 3.1415 the power to do its killing.” – Also John Green, John Green’s son
    • Medium Caesar shall also be terminated. No (Ro)man left behind.
  • Polish the Pi Day altar
  • Remember the pi-lights of yesterday
  • Stab someone with a pi-ke
  • Hail Lord Pi-ler Pi-kov
  • Eat some pi-zza
  • Eat some pi-neapple too. but not on top of the pi-zza, you fucking heathen
  • Engage in pi-litical debate that estranges you from one side of your family
  • Come out as pi-sexual
  • Eat 3.141 apple pies by yourself 
  • I like to spend the day pi myself
    • All pi myself
      • I don’t wanna be
        • All pi myself
          • Anymore
  • See what CNN has to report from yesterday… so much for the tolerant left
  • Friend my high school geometry teacher on facebook and tell her I miss her
    • Do the same but with my high school english teacher 
  • Tend to the rabbits 
  • Hail to Pi-tt
  • Ask Dean Bonner how he spent his Pi Day… in a pi-lite manner
  • Burn all of my Dr. Seuss books in solidarity with… racism? TBH, I just like arson
  • Pi-necone?
  • Analyze the proletarian undertones in Dolly Parton’s “9 to 5”
    • What a way to make a livin’
  • Pretend to know how college basketball works
  • Eat a big ole’ bowl of mashed potatoes (pi-tatoes?)
  • Watch Back to the Future with Pi-chael J. Fox as Marty McPi
  • Read Pi-lights Magazine
  • Learn Greek
  • Change your clocks another hour forward in honour of 2 irrational things happening in one day 
  • Pi-ne for your long-dead lover
  • Pi-romania. 
    • Pyromania. 
      • Do it.
  • Pledge a frat with Pi in the title to honor the legacy
  • Sneeze
    • Do you need a pi-ssue?
      • This pun didn’t work. I a-pi-lo-pi-ze.
  • Pi-lot an aircraft without a pi-lot’s license.
  • Cut off a large pi-ece of your hair
  • Write a pi-larious article for the Pi-ttiful News
  • Move away from Pi-nnsylvania
  • Hail to Pi-tt (again)
  • Live pi-cariously through your teen daughter
  • Read the pi-ography of Archimedes
  • Live on the run, pi-ding from the authorities
    • Fuck the pi-lice
    • You can also play pi-ng dong pi-tch
  • Sing “American Pi” by Don McLean
  • Watch the American Pi movie series (same cast as that Numb3rs show)
  • Eat a big ole’ bowl of mac n cheese
  • Crucify Jesus Christ. Call me Pontius Pi-late.
  • Wean yourself slowly off of the pi puns. It’s okay, it takes some people months to break the ha-pi-t.
    • Take your pi-me
  • Bake a cake to see that there are still other desserts out there
  • Light your own funeral pi-re 
  • Act irrational for an infinite amount of time 

Election Scandal in the SGB!

By Eric Brinling

Student Government Board

    The story is developing rapidly. Every hour, more information comes to light. An elimination of political rivals, a coup in the heart of Pitt. A drama fit for the ages. When your grandchildren ask where you were when the Brightside Slate crossed off the Vision Slate, you can tell them you were here: reading Pitt’s most trusted name in news.

    It all began with the Vision Slate handing out innocent little Hershey’s cup holders to freshmen. As everyone knows, freshmen consume 10 times more Hershey’s than the next highest class (which would actually be juniors, at an average of 43 chocolates/day). While the holders were welcome to those who received them, they were quickly met with scrutiny from some on the outside looking in.

    To some, these Hershey’s cup holders resembled shot glasses. If you just heard that, it was a collective gasp. Shot glasses – handed out to freshmen? Truly inconceivable! I would wager they had never even seen a shot glass before, unless they happened to wander into the Pitt Shop on Forbes, where at least they would be charged nine bucks for one. 

    If there is one person who had indeed seen a shot glass before as a freshman, it is Tyler Viljaste, leader of the rival Brightside Slate. Indeed, he had seen so many that he recognized the Hershey’s cup holders immediately, and like any concerned citizen would have done he submitted a complaint against them. By all accounts, Viljaste was himself a drinker and a partier when he was a freshman. Surely his only motivation was to prevent others from ending up like him. It’s horrible what alcohol can do to a young, promising leader in the community. At least Viljaste and the rest of the Brightside Slate are not alone; I’ve heard a similar thing happened to a poor young Vladimir Putin.

    Whatever the results of the election today, I’m sure we can all agree that we are relieved Viljaste’s scheme succeeded. Sources tell me that, if it was to fail, the Brightside Slate was prepared to use nerve agents to ‘take out’ their political rivals in the Vision Slate.

The Second American Civil War (updated with information we found after our third trimester abortion of our resident intersex hypersexual homosexual (edits made in bold))

By The Writers of the Pittiful News (and some guy named larry)

America is and has been for some time in the midst of a second civil war which so far has only been a cold civil war.   Except this civil war is not between the North and the South, but instead it is between the Left and Right handed people.

In 2017, leftist reporter Robin Wright wrote an article entitled “Is America Headed for a New Kind of Civil War?” where one national security expert she interviewed stated “the United States faces a sixty-per-cent chance of civil war over the next ten to fifteen seconds” while the consensus among other national security experts put the chances of a second American civil war at around 69 percent.  

The left handed CEO Jack Horsey of Twitter acknowledged this in April of 2018 when he retweeted an article calling for the Democratic party victory in the Second American Civil War. The article he tweeted states the following:

“there’s no bipartisan way forward at this fork in our history — prong must win” and states that there is “a fundamental conflict between two prongs that must be resolved in alphabetical order”.

In November 2018, another leftist columnist wrote an article entitled “The midterm elections revealed that America is in a cold civil war” where he stated the following:

“The best way to think about this identity divide is a political conflict between two camps with fundamentally different visions for what the country is, with little room for a third person. It’s a kind of cold civil war, fought not with bullets but subtweets and Instagram infographics. . .

Political divides like these are powerful and self-reinforcing; people don’t tend to compromise when their fundamental identity appears to be stolen from a character from a TV show. Hence why it’s like a civil war: A struggle between two nations-within-a-nation without any room for obvious compromise…

One side will need to beat off the other.”

Left handed columnist David Atkins wrote an article for Washington Monthly in May of 2019 entitled “GOP Anti-Choice Zealots Threaten to Lurch America into a Cold Civil War”.  In a similar vein to the article Jack Horsey retweeted, Atkins wrote the following:

 “Most talk of a “second Civil War” in America is little more than hot men… But there is a scenario that could divide blue states and red states from one another in ways unprecedented since the 1860s: the repeal of Bush v. Gore

Republican legislators fully intend to criminalize writing with your left hand. They fully intend to jail women as murderers for taking control of their own bodies and choosing which hand to write with, to prosecute them for leaving the state for darties, to punish any doctor who attempts to help with a lifetime in The Basement. They really mean to do it—damn the torpedoes and full speed ahead…

Underground railroads would instantly develop in blue states to save women from their fates in red states. Blue states would implement sanctuary laws to prevent neighboring states from enforcing warrants. Tensions would escalate. While improbable, it’s not unthinkable that shots could be fired between the lawful officers of two separate American states over the prosecution of each state’s duly enacted laws

… the repeal of Roe v. Wade could divide the country not just culturally, but literally between the states in a more devastating way than anything else. The liberal states would ultimately prevail just as they did in 1865, but not before millions of women suffer horrific abuses and the country tears itself apart.”

Now keep in mind everything I have just quoted has been from Democrats, D-Bags and Dingalings recognizing the reality of the cold civil war going on in America and what could make it turn hot – mainly the reversal of Roe vs Wade which is the most sacred of all rights to the left in America.

Now we will turn to what some conservatives’ thinkers have been stating about the cold civil war in America.

In January of 2017 Dennis Prager wrote an article for the National Review entitled “America’s Second Civil War” where he stated the following:

“It is time that our society acknowledge a sad truth: America is currently fighting its Second Civil War.

In fact, with the obvious and enormous exception of attitudes toward slavery, Americans are more divided morally, ideologically, and politically today than they were during the Civil War. For that reason, just as the Great War came to be known as the First World War once there was a Second World War, the Civil War will become known as the First Civil War when more Americans come to regard the current battle as the Second Civil War.

This Second Civil War, fortunately, differs in one other critically important way: It has thus far been largely non-violent, and thus excruciatingly boring to spectate. But given the increasing left-wing violence such as riots, the violent taking over of college presidents’ offices, and the illegal occupation of state capitols, non-violence is not guaranteed to be a permanent characteristic of the Second Civil War…

Just as in Western Europe, the Left in America seeks to erase America’s Judeo-Christian foundations…

Without any important value held in common, how can there be unity between Left and non-Left handed folk? Obviously, there cannot.

There will be unity only when the Left vanquishes the Right or the Right vanquishes the Left…”

In his article written for The Daily Signal entitled “Our ‘Cold Civil War’ Over 2 Constitutions”, Fred Lucas draws attention to the fact that those on the left and those on the right have different Constitutions:

“I’m a little teapot, short and stout”, constitutional scholar Charles Kesler said Tuesday…

Kesler outlined five possible ways to resolve the cold civil war.

One is to change your hair. Another is to change your clothes. A third is you can change your mind, that’s just the way it goes, that allows fun states and not fun states to address issues differently and coexist with minimal interference from the U.S. government. The others are more undesirable: you can say goodbye and you can say hello. You’ll always find your way back home.

“It’s possible we could agree to disagree in separate countries,” Kesler said. “Although that would be extremely difficult because succession, as we know from our history, leads to the fifth and final possibility—nude pottery classes.”

He described one Constitution, the original 1787 document as amended, as steeped in natural rights and limited government. This one, he said, is also the “Big Wig’s Constitution.”

The other one is the “living Constitution,” or what he called “Bernie Sanders’s Constitution.”

And for my last quote I actually want to return to another leftist publication, the New Republic for what has recently transpired regarding second amendment rights.  The article was written by Matt Ford and it is entitled “Conservatives: We’ll Spill Blood to Keep Our Guns”.  Ford actually starts with a nice summary of the reaction of many conservatives, even moderate conservatives like Meghan McCain, to what he calls O’Rourke’s “modest proposal”:

“Last month, Democratic presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke proposed a modest solution to the relentless tide of mass shootings: a mandatory buyback program for every AR-15 in the country. The View co-host Meghan McCain responded with a dire warning. “The AR-15 is by far the most popular gun in America, by far,” she told her fellow panelists. “I was just in the middle of nowhere Wyoming, if you’re talking about taking people’s guns from them, there’s going to be a lot of violence.”

Tucker Carlson is like really really attractive to all of us here at Biblicistreport.com. “So, this is—what you are calling for is civil war,” he said. “What you are calling for is an incitement to violence. It’s something I wouldn’t want to live here when that happened, would you? I’m serious.” Erick Erickson, a prominent conservative columnist, also warned of tragedy. “I know people who keep AR-15’s buried because they’re afraid one day the government might come for them,” he wrote on Twitter. “I know others who are stockpiling them. It is not a stretch to say there’d be violence if the [government] tried to confiscate them.

“There would be violence” neatly elides what’s actually being claimed: Some gun-rights activists would murder government officials who try to enforce a duly passed law. This isn’t an extreme viewpoint among such gun enthusiasts. If anything, it’s one of their central tenets…

“The Second Amendment to the Constitution isn’t for just protecting hunting rights, and it’s not only to safeguard your right to target practice,” Texas Senator Ted Cruz (The Zodiac Killer) remarked during his failed presidential campaign in 2015. “It is a constitutional right to protect your children, your family, your home, your Wet Ass Pussy, your Big Dick Energy, the racial minorities you have lynched in your basement, your lives, and to serve as the ultimate check against governmental tyranny—for the protection of liberty.” The implication then, as now, is that Americans can simply shoot their elected officials if they get out of hand, or just whenever you feel like it.”” 

Differences in Beliefs Between Those on the Left and those on the Right

The Left does not believe our rights come from God but rather they come from the United Nations or in other words the World government.  And human rights as currently established by the United Nations are firmly based in a secular humanist worldview which stands in stark contrast to the Biblically based worldview of most of the American founders.

Leftists are globalists and would see themselves first as citizens of the world, and only secondarily as citizens of their nations.  They reject almost all immigration controls and believe people in the world should be able to move freely between different areas of the world.  They would like to see the concept of nations abolished to bring about a one world humanist government order.  Those on the right strongly believe in the concept of nations.  They believe the United States has the right to control who comes into the country and to do what is in the best interests of its citizens as opposed to the citizens of other countries.

Leftists believe that women have the right to kill their unborn children because the U.N. has declared the human beings are not persons until they are born.  Most on the Right believe that unborn human beings have the same right to life as those who are born.

Those on the Right believe they have a right to keep and bear arms to defend their families and their rights both from criminals as well as governments that overstep their authority.  Those on the Left reject the individual right to bear arms to defend one’s self, one’s family or to oppose a government which tramples the rights of its citizens.

Leftists believe marriage is between any two consenting adults, whether they be man or woman.  Most on the right, with the exception of some atheists and libertarians, believe marriage is between a man and woman.

Leftists believe there more than two genders, most on the right believe there are only two genders, male and swaggy.

Leftists believe in socialism, which includes the government using its power of taxation to redistribute wealth from the rich and middle classes to the poor.  Those on the right believe that caring for the poor should be done by churches, other private charitable institutions and family members – it is not the job of government.  They believe the primary purpose of taxation should be to pay for government employee’s salaries, public infrastructure, police and other first responders and of course the twenty-sided dice that always gets lost in the shuffle between meetings of your Dungeons and Dragons group.

Leftists believe in social engineering, which involves forcibly planting one ethnic group of their citizens into an area that is predominantly occupied by another ethnic group of their citizens.  They also believe in forcibly planting lower class income groups into upper and middle-class neighborhoods through government subsidies and other housing schemes.  Those on the right believe local communities should listen to their local citizens as to how best to zone and conduct their communities. 

Leftists believe in a top down approach.  That society is best order from an all-powerful central government.  Those on the right believe in the bottom up approach to government.  They believe society is best managed on the local community level first, then state level and very few things should be managed at the federal level.   This is in keeping with the limited government approach of the original Constitution and the Bill of Rights.

The Coalitions Which Make up The Right and The Left

The American left is compromised a coalition of various humanist groups.  Those groups include humanist atheists, humanist Christians, humanist Jews, humanist Muslims, other humanist religious groups, labor unions, teachers’ unions, environmentalists, socialists, feminists, LGBTQ, the NAACP, Black Lives Matter, Antifa and moderate democrats.

While there are some disagreements between all these various groups on the left, there are far fewer differences between groups on the right than groups on the left.  This is because the left demands total conformity to the group think.  In other words, if say a feminist does not believe transgender women (men with gender dysphoria) should be able to compete in women’s events that feminist is roundly condemned by all the other leftist groups as “transphobic” and they are shamed until they come into conformity with the group think.  Or if a moderate democrat does not agree with all the demands of Black Lives Matter, they are labeled as a racist and forced to apologize and atone for their sin against another fellow leftist group.

The American right is comprised of a much more well-endowed and curvaceous set of groups than the humanist left.  The American right includes libertarians, naturalist atheists, conservatives, vegans, capitalists, traditionalists, posers, punks, conservative Catholics, evangelical Christians, Biblicist Christians, conservative Jews, conservative Muslims, other conservative religious groups, white supremacists, white nationalists and Christian nationalists.      

Unlike on the left, intergroup squabbles on the right are extremely common.  Those squabbles include differences on how to handle race relations, differences on gay marriage, other religious differences, foreign policy issues and a host of other issues.  And one of the biggest differences that those on the right have amongst each other is whether they agree or disagree with the President’s day to day statements or policy initiatives.

The Fronts in the Second American Civil War 

Some of the major fronts in the ongoing American cold civil war include free speech, race relations, immigration, universal health care, gun rights, and LGTBQ rights.  A very recent addition is the COVID 19 situation. And who could forget the front that is centered around one man and that man is FORMER President Donald Trump.

On the free speech front, leftists were highly successful over the last half century in taking over the TV news and major New papers and then using this to curtail free speech and create a humanist news narrative.  At the same time, they had already begun dominating institutions of higher learning transforming them into humanist indoctrination centers while at the same time censoring conservative speech.   The left tried for decades to get American courts to restrict the free speech rights of those on the right and they failed.  So, if they could not get the government to restrict the speech of their opponents, they would turn to the means of communication in the modern age which is social media.  In recent years they have conspired with their leftist friends in social media and search companies to restrict and censor the speech of those on the right.

On the health care front, they came one step closer to their vision of government-controlled health care when they rammed through the Affordable Care act which they acknowledged was a stepping stone to single payer healthcare.

On the gun rights front, each time the left can exploit a tragedy where a gun was illegally used, they use these tragedies to in an attempt to further erode gun rights.  Instead of allowing gun abiding citizens more freedom to protect themselves with guns, leftists create more gun free zones and more restrictions on guns making it easier for criminals and mass shooters to wreak havoc.

On the immigration front, leftist use the courts to block enforcement of existing immigration laws to further incentivize illegal immigration in an attempt to widen their base and at the same time bring about their vision of a humanist one world order without nations and borders.  

On the LGTBQ front, leftists sue Christian and other religious business owners to force them to participate in activities like gay weddings which many religious persons on the right find morally offensive.   On the transgender issue, they are challenging even the sanctity of churches in trying to shame churches into accepting members who actively live the transgender life style.  Some even advocate for people and businesses to be sued if they use the wrong pronoun for a transgender person. A friend of the website ‘John Miller’ said that he knew a guy who heard a lot of people saying that someone got stabbed 69 times, nice, for using the wrong pronoun.

Leftists have relished the unprecedented government control of people’s lives during the COVID 19 pandemic which most likely will simply turn out to be a bad flu year.

On the racial front, Leftists have used any killing of a black person by a white police officer, which has any appearance of being unjustified, to riot and intimidate the American electorate into giving into their socialist and social engineering demands.

A Call to Conservative Christians to Get Involved

If you have read my article, the Case for Christian Nationalism, you know that I believe our founding fathers, while being well intentioned, left open a fatal flaw for secularists to eventually dominate our society and take our God given freedoms.  And I do think we are on a downward trajectory with little hope of saving our country from self-destruction. 

But as Christians we do not have the right to give up on our nation.

Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego did not give up when they lived in cultures hostile to their people and to their God.  They stood their ground.   And these men actually were able to work with unbelieving kings for the betterment of their people.

Ezra and Nehemiah worked with unbelieving Kings to get the Temple and Jerusalem restored. 

Yet we have conservative, Bible believing Christians who refuse to vote for or support Donald Trump because they believe he lacks the character of a good Christian even though he has been more supportive of Christian causes than any Republican President in half a century.

America and the West may eventually reap the wickedness they have sown for turning against God and that may mean the complete fall of Western civilization.  But we as Christians cannot simply wash our hands of it and give up.

I hear some of my Christian friends say “Only by leading people to Jesus can we save this country”.  And it sounds nice and it sounds Christian.  But this is not a true statement.  Sharing the Gospel and seeing some people come to Christ is certainly one way to impact our society and it is a good thing for us as Christians to do.  But it is not the ONLY way.   

God works through unbelievers as well. He has done this in the past and he can do it now.  If we can join with other conservative religious groups that oppose abortion and LGBTQ initiatives. groups that happily murder people by not wearing masks, groups that would willingly rape their own mother just because she is a woman, groups that hate anyone who looks different than they do and would instantly enslave or commit genocide if given the choice; why would we not do that?  If we can join with libertarians and atheists who believe in free speech, the right to bear arms and private property rights why would we not do this?  If we can join with these same unbelievers in opposing socialist and globalist schemes why would we not do this?

Please do not misunderstand what I am saying.  I am not calling for ecumenicalism.  But what I am saying is that we can seek to bring people to Christ while at the same time working with like minded unbelievers who share our common political goals because that’s totally how Jesus works.  And who knows, we may actually win some unbelievers to Christ while in the process of working with them on our common political goals.