Olympics Cheat Codes Revealed

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly tthe Fédérattion Intternattionale de Foottball Associattion news)

PHOTOS: Olympic rings arrive in host city on barge into ...
  • Up Up Left Left Down Right Right Down
  • You have no competitors if all of their bones are broken 
  • Sometimes you just gotta run real fast.  
  • The fencers aren’t the only people who can stab.   
  • Sparkly ✨ Uniforms ✨ Are ✨ Better ✨ 
  • Wear a jet pack when pole vaulting, it will help 
  • Wear a snorkel when swimming, it will help.
  • Kiss your opponents on the mouth so they will be confused and you can steal their medals.  
  • Take all the drugs
  • Nothing is stopping you from creating a new sport and being the supreme champion in it.  
  • Wear less clothes while convincing the other teams to wear more clothes, thus causing them to incur fines so that even if they win, they have lost money 
  • Bring a horse to the competition. 
  • Any sport can be a contact sport if you’re not a coward. 
  • Steal the starting gun and shoot your competitors  
  • Remember to stay hydrated :) 
  • If you belly flop into the pool, you can take a screenshot of your opponents’ moves.  
  • Hack into airline databases and change the dates of your competitors’ flights so that they have to go home the day before the competition
  • Instead of throwing the hammer for distance, throw it at the other throwers, that will really mess them up
  • Sleep with the judges on your cardboard bed
  • The true gold medal is the fun we had along the way

The hottest new sports for the next chilly winter Olympics

By the writers of the Pittiful news

The 2018 Winter Olympics Cyberattack Was Almost Expected

You know what, at the Pittiful News, we’re bored of the existing lineup of winter sports. They’re so last season. You can only watch a petite Russian girl perfect a triple lutz so many times before you start fantasizing of bigger and better sporting events. Here are a few suggestions we have for the Olympic Committee for the next Olympic winter games:

  • Frozen chicken: this one is winner-take-all.  Players scatter atop a freshly frozen pond and flee as the ground beneath them begins to crack.  The winner is determined when the last one on the ice falls through and dies with some bragging rights
  • Snowball showdown: snowball fight but the snowballs have razor blades within their ranks 
  • Ice Fishing to the Death: It’s Battleship meets ice fishing.  Two teams gather on opposite sides of a frozen body of water and begin to extract fish from the still non-frozen water below.  They will then begin to throw the fish onto the other team’s side until the weight of the losing team and the winning fish causes the ice to break, sending the losers to a chilly and comical end 
  • Speed-glasses-defogging: competitors race to try and defog their glasses while wearing a mask outside in the cold so that they can complete an eye exam. Gold goes to the olympian closest to a 2020 vision range. 
  • Extreme biathlon: it’s like the regular biathlon except when you shoot, the targets are your fellow olympians. Gold goes to the last living skier.   
  • Holiday tradition swapping: Players attempt to do a tradition from another culture  
  • Bumper-tobogganing: as you race down the hill, you score points based on how many times you bump into your fellow tobogganers.   
  • Snowshoe tap dancing: tap dancing with snowshoes 
  • Figure Skating Duels: Regular figure skating, but the skaters also have skates on their hands to slice at the opponent with. Last one breathing wins.
  • Olympic snowman-building: competitors have a fixed amount of time to build the sexiest snowman. 
  • Olympic snowman-melting: competitors must destroy the previous event’s snowmen in the fastest amount of time
  • Hot Dog Eating but it’s in the cold 
  • Knife throwing using icicles
  • Ice Football: Playing American football, but on ice, with skates on 
  • Competitive snow-angel making: Olympians must attempt to recreate biblical depictions of angels while lying on their back in the snow in order to inspire miraculous visions in the panel of judges watching from above without invoking the holy wrath of god. Olympians will be disqualified if their creation goes up in holy flame because it was too accurate to the real thing.  
  • Netflix and chill: hang out with a friend-with-benefits and try to not catch feelings 
  • Hot-Chocolate hands: That game where you slap the back of your foe’s hand until one of you quits but you are actually throwing mugs of scalding hot cocoa (swiss miss no added sugar) at one another 
  • Cross-country skiing but you don’t get to use the stupid sticks. Shuffle like a man.
  • Nativity scene freeze tag
  • The fear chamber from Divergent
  • The Candor truth serum from Divergent 
  • The Train Jump From Divergent
  • Live for a month as an Abnegation citizen from Divergent
  • Spend an hour with 3 people from Erudite from Divergent 
  • Freezing hell over 
  • Ski-Ball
  • Tea bagging idk sounds warm and cozy ask an older sibling
  • Winter Beach Volleyball: medals awarded to the three players who have not yet contracted a cold-related illness (frostbite, hypothermia, etc.). Also, have I mentioned that they must play in their swimsuits in the snow?
  • God confusing: Spin in circles while people shout different names of gods at you, you must yell back what mythology they are from 
  • Thanksgiving leftover eating: eat all of the leftovers from the most recent thanksgiving, most competitors will die from food poisoning 
  • Winter swimming relay race: speed does not matter, competitors must swim back and forth passing a baton for as long as possible, if one member of your team dies, you are eliminated, last team standing wins