Unique Food the Eatery Is Feeding Us In These Trying Times

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the 5 time Gold Medalist, Ghengis Khan news)

Dear Student,

In honor of the Winter Olympic Games Beijing 2022, Pitt Eats is sending your palate on a trip around the world! The Eatery will feature a different regional cuisine from Olympic competitors each day until the games conclude on Feb. 20.

• Denmark
  • Boiled flannel shirts
  • Fish sticks
    • Fish dicks 
  • Beanboozled Harry Potter set… just the spinner
  • Danishes made out of real Danish people
• Island of Themyscira
  • Pussy
  • Maracas filled with corn nuts that you smash like a piggy bank
• Western Sahara
  • (leave blank)
• Mexico
  • A single black bean, doused in hot sauce
  • Mexican Pizza (doing what Taco Bell is too pussy to do)
  • Canned corn labeled “maize” 
  • Authentic cane sugar Baja Blast
  • Catering by Chipotle 
• Canada
  • Same food as normal, but you must aggressively thank the server and apologize for bothering them
  • Those fries with the gravy
    • Putin.
•  The Vatican
  • The Pope’s pinky finger (while supplies last)
    • Supplies ran out :(
  • Consecrated Nilla Wafers
• Italy
  • Domino’s Pizza
  • The Mona Lisa
  • Mario’s ass-stache
  • Fuckin’… spaghetti?
    • Spaghettabout it!
•  Philadelphia
  • Wooder ice
  • Cheesed steak
  • Cream cheesh
•  Japan
  • Raw fish in weed(s)
  • Giant squid
• The United States of America
  • FAT BURGER 
  • Shittier remakes of every other food on this list
  • A Camelback backpack full of Hellman’s Mayonnaise
  • Insulin (upcharge)
• Australia
  • sƃƃǝ uʍop-ǝpᴉsdn ǝpᴉs ʎuunS
  • sooɹɐƃuɐʞ ɟo ɥɔnod ǝɥʇ uᴉɥʇᴉʍ uǝppᴉɥ ʇɐǝɯ ɹǝpuǝʇ ǝɥ┴
  • sǝᴉqɐllɐM pǝ’Qqq
• Israel
  •  Israeli Salad: loose cucumbers, tomatoes, and some sand
•  Chile
  • Chili (Piping Hot)
• Germany
  • Luxembourg 
  • Liechtenstein
  • The WURST sausage you’ve ever had
    • Little Deutsch humor for the cultured folk
  • Bier (pronounced like beer because German is English)
• Colombia
  • So THAT’S what happened to Bruno’s rats… 
• Spain
  • Same food as usual but dining halls open at 9pm
  • Nude chicken breasts
  • Bull fillet. Or maybe matador fillet? We don’t know.
    • Yet.
• Turkey
  • Chicken Turkey
• Switzerland
  • Chocolate covered pretzels
  • Chocolate covered Chocolate
  • Chocolate covered Nazi Gold 
  • Chocolate covered Rolex, in white gold
• The left half of France
  • Bagu
• The right half of France
  • ette
• Greenland
  • See: Iceland
• South Korea
  • actual South Korean foods
• North Korea
  • (this bullet point was removed by our glorious leader Kim Jong-Un)
• Russia
  • Jack Daniel’s water ice
  • One cigarette soaked in vo (puff)
    • dka  
  • Berlin Wall
• Slovenia
  • Fun-colored snowcones!
    • Why are they all yellow…
• Czechoslovakia
  • Dust, bones 
• Czech Republic
  • Dust  
• Slovakia
  • Bones
• Greece
  • Anything they can sell us, they need the money 
    • Seriously, I invested in the National Bank of Greece in 2015 with my birthday money… taught me a lesson about financial literacy. My family had a field day. OH, they laughed. They laughed. 
  • Grease 
  • Grease 2
    • Why, it’s GREASED LIGHTNIN’!
•  United Kingdom
  • Literal fucking rocks (English scones) with a side of Lipton tea
  • Any food but Dr. Christian from British TV hit Supersize vs. Superskinny yells at you while you eat it
    • Are you really going to eat that takeaway? It’s absolutely MAMMOTH.
  • Crea and trumpets
  • A lovely buffet around the back of a co-op
  • The most disgusting green paste you’ve ever seen
  • Big communal bowl of marmite
    • We all kiss each other with tongue after we eat from it (to show international solidarity)
• 1492 America
  • Black Death (Y. PESTIS) 
  • Fleas on rats 
  • Guns, germs, steel
• Romania
  • A head of romaine lettuce
  • Meatballs
  • Sadness
• Croatia
  • The coastline of Bosnia and Herzegovina
• The Bikini Atoll
  • A delicious kebab, but radioactive 
• Bikini Bottom
  • Pizza
  • The reason Mr. Krabs is the only Crab in town, aka Krabby Patties
• Somalia
  • Baasto
  • Surbiyaan
  • Sambusas
  • Pirates
• China
  • The vegetable-covered spaghetti that is creatively marketed as “Asian Noodles”
  • Whatever we found dumpster diving behind the local Chinese restaurants
• Taiwan
  • Insert joke about real Chinese food here
• Global Cuisine
  • Deep-fried surgical mask 
  • Tears of international students
• Pittsburgh
  • Steel bars
  • Eatery food (meta?)
• Mars
  • Red sand witches
  • Red salads
  • Communist Manifesto 
• Saturn
  • His son
• Litchfield Towers
  • Twenty four crushed Monster cans
  • Freshman blood
  • TikTok lights as noodles 
• Sutherland Hall
  • The soul of Jock Sutherland
• Antarctica 
  • Ozone-grilled polar bear
  • Ice water
• The Moon
  • Bitcoin
  • Dogecoin
  • KumRocket
  • Jeff Bezos
  • Moon cheese
• Iceland
  • See: Greenland 
• Your mom
  • My ass 
• My ass
  • Your mom
• Hillman Library
  • No food or drink allowed 

Hope to see you there,

The Pitiful News Olympic Committee Panther Central

Olympics Cheat Codes Revealed

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly tthe Fédérattion Intternattionale de Foottball Associattion news)

• Up Up Left Left Down Right Right Down
• You have no competitors if all of their bones are broken 
• Sometimes you just gotta run real fast.  
• The fencers aren’t the only people who can stab.   
• Sparkly ✨ Uniforms ✨ Are ✨ Better ✨ 
• Wear a jet pack when pole vaulting, it will help 
• Wear a snorkel when swimming, it will help.
• Kiss your opponents on the mouth so they will be confused and you can steal their medals.  
• Take all the drugs
• Nothing is stopping you from creating a new sport and being the supreme champion in it.  
• Wear less clothes while convincing the other teams to wear more clothes, thus causing them to incur fines so that even if they win, they have lost money 
• Bring a horse to the competition. 
• Any sport can be a contact sport if you’re not a coward. 
• Steal the starting gun and shoot your competitors  
• Remember to stay hydrated :) 
• If you belly flop into the pool, you can take a screenshot of your opponents’ moves.  
• Hack into airline databases and change the dates of your competitors’ flights so that they have to go home the day before the competition
• Instead of throwing the hammer for distance, throw it at the other throwers, that will really mess them up
• Sleep with the judges on your cardboard bed
• The true gold medal is the fun we had along the way

The hottest new sports for the next chilly winter Olympics

By the writers of the Pittiful news

You know what, at the Pittiful News, we’re bored of the existing lineup of winter sports. They’re so last season. You can only watch a petite Russian girl perfect a triple lutz so many times before you start fantasizing of bigger and better sporting events. Here are a few suggestions we have for the Olympic Committee for the next Olympic winter games:

• Frozen chicken: this one is winner-take-all.  Players scatter atop a freshly frozen pond and flee as the ground beneath them begins to crack.  The winner is determined when the last one on the ice falls through and dies with some bragging rights
• Snowball showdown: snowball fight but the snowballs have razor blades within their ranks 
• Ice Fishing to the Death: It’s Battleship meets ice fishing.  Two teams gather on opposite sides of a frozen body of water and begin to extract fish from the still non-frozen water below.  They will then begin to throw the fish onto the other team’s side until the weight of the losing team and the winning fish causes the ice to break, sending the losers to a chilly and comical end 
• Speed-glasses-defogging: competitors race to try and defog their glasses while wearing a mask outside in the cold so that they can complete an eye exam. Gold goes to the olympian closest to a 2020 vision range. 
• Extreme biathlon: it’s like the regular biathlon except when you shoot, the targets are your fellow olympians. Gold goes to the last living skier.   
• Holiday tradition swapping: Players attempt to do a tradition from another culture  
• Bumper-tobogganing: as you race down the hill, you score points based on how many times you bump into your fellow tobogganers.   
• Snowshoe tap dancing: tap dancing with snowshoes 
• Figure Skating Duels: Regular figure skating, but the skaters also have skates on their hands to slice at the opponent with. Last one breathing wins.
• Olympic snowman-building: competitors have a fixed amount of time to build the sexiest snowman. 
• Olympic snowman-melting: competitors must destroy the previous event’s snowmen in the fastest amount of time
• Hot Dog Eating but it’s in the cold 
• Knife throwing using icicles
• Ice Football: Playing American football, but on ice, with skates on 
• Competitive snow-angel making: Olympians must attempt to recreate biblical depictions of angels while lying on their back in the snow in order to inspire miraculous visions in the panel of judges watching from above without invoking the holy wrath of god. Olympians will be disqualified if their creation goes up in holy flame because it was too accurate to the real thing.  
• Netflix and chill: hang out with a friend-with-benefits and try to not catch feelings 
• Hot-Chocolate hands: That game where you slap the back of your foe’s hand until one of you quits but you are actually throwing mugs of scalding hot cocoa (swiss miss no added sugar) at one another 
• Cross-country skiing but you don’t get to use the stupid sticks. Shuffle like a man.
• Nativity scene freeze tag
• The fear chamber from Divergent
• The Candor truth serum from Divergent 
• The Train Jump From Divergent
• Live for a month as an Abnegation citizen from Divergent
• Spend an hour with 3 people from Erudite from Divergent 
• Freezing hell over 
• Ski-Ball
• Tea bagging idk sounds warm and cozy ask an older sibling
• Winter Beach Volleyball: medals awarded to the three players who have not yet contracted a cold-related illness (frostbite, hypothermia, etc.). Also, have I mentioned that they must play in their swimsuits in the snow?
• God confusing: Spin in circles while people shout different names of gods at you, you must yell back what mythology they are from 
• Thanksgiving leftover eating: eat all of the leftovers from the most recent thanksgiving, most competitors will die from food poisoning 
• Winter swimming relay race: speed does not matter, competitors must swim back and forth passing a baton for as long as possible, if one member of your team dies, you are eliminated, last team standing wins