The story is developing rapidly. Every hour, more information comes to light. An elimination of political rivals, a coup in the heart of Pitt. A drama fit for the ages. When your grandchildren ask where you were when the Brightside Slate crossed off the Vision Slate, you can tell them you were here: reading Pitt’s most trusted name in news.
It all began with the Vision Slate handing out innocent little Hershey’s cup holders to freshmen. As everyone knows, freshmen consume 10 times more Hershey’s than the next highest class (which would actually be juniors, at an average of 43 chocolates/day). While the holders were welcome to those who received them, they were quickly met with scrutiny from some on the outside looking in.
To some, these Hershey’s cup holders resembled shot glasses. If you just heard that, it was a collective gasp. Shot glasses – handed out to freshmen? Truly inconceivable! I would wager they had never even seen a shot glass before, unless they happened to wander into the Pitt Shop on Forbes, where at least they would be charged nine bucks for one.
If there is one person who had indeed seen a shot glass before as a freshman, it is Tyler Viljaste, leader of the rival Brightside Slate. Indeed, he had seen so many that he recognized the Hershey’s cup holders immediately, and like any concerned citizen would have done he submitted a complaint against them. By all accounts, Viljaste was himself a drinker and a partier when he was a freshman. Surely his only motivation was to prevent others from ending up like him. It’s horrible what alcohol can do to a young, promising leader in the community. At least Viljaste and the rest of the Brightside Slate are not alone; I’ve heard a similar thing happened to a poor young Vladimir Putin.
Whatever the results of the election today, I’m sure we can all agree that we are relieved Viljaste’s scheme succeeded. Sources tell me that, if it was to fail, the Brightside Slate was prepared to use nerve agents to ‘take out’ their political rivals in the Vision Slate.
Dean Bonner will unhinge his jaw like a snake and eat Provost Ann Eggbert Cudd.
J.K. Rowling will announce that Hogwarts was based off of The University of Pittsburgh.
I will eat another cactus.
I will kill another cactus.
I will expand my parameters on Tinder. Age? Location? Gender? We’ll see.
TikTok will sponsor the entire Pitt Theater Department.
My parents will love me.
The Power of Pitt signs will stay safe and unmolested for the entire year.
Roc will find love and retire to start a family.
I’ll find a new use for my now-empty under-the-bed wine cellar (it’s a storage tote).
I will be able to successfully count all the dots on my ceiling.
I might actually wear that dress I bought before COVID.
Mr. Sir His Highness Dean Bonner will continue to go on his “safety walks” and “gather feedback” from “students”. I bet half of the people he’s talking to don’t even go here!
Drop the names, Kenyon!!!!
That one spot on Forbes will continue to smell absolutely rancid.
Upperclassmen may not be able to make rent due to the lack of freshmen partying.
Your Tinder date will go badly.
90% of freshmen will get overcharged for weed.
You will save up your dining dollars only to be sent home in two months and never be able to use them again.
Eric will be paid generously for his hard work here at the Pittiful News.
It will turn out that your college experience was merely a very long dream you had during a coma you went in during high school– all of that knowledge you have accumulated is literally just dreamy nonsense.
I will be happy, finally. Right guys? Right?
The panther statue will become a COVID superspreader.
My illegal hamster will join the Cathy Club.
Maybe I’ll learn how to cook.
I will fall asleep in the arms of my beloved. (This could be difficult as I buried them two months ago after I successfully became a widower.)
Tyler will learn to spell words with two or more syllables.
It is Lord Tyler to you.
My third album will go platinum.
It had Kelly Clarkson.
We will live underwater.
Your great great great granddaughter is doing fine.
Lord Tyler will fake his own death anywhere from 6 to 30 more times.
I will dye my hair red in a 3AM caffeine-induced panic attack and cover it up by claiming someone was murdered in my shower.
Flex at Pitt becomes the name of Pitt’s new Department of Yoga Studies.
Flex at Pitt will become rigid.
I will spend all of my money at Dunkin’ after promising not to.
I will continue to lie, cheat, and steal my way through online classes. Sike haha don’t show the department boards this.
The COVID vaccine will have the unexpected side effect of herpes.
I will download Dark Zoom for my illegal, bad boy classes.
President Biden will abdicate his throne to the My Pillow Guy.
Groundhog Day will be cancelled due to lack of people caring.
Groundhog Day (1993) (film) will be cancelled because of some super scandalous goings-on with Tom Hanks and Bill Murray.
I will have to take a tinkie winkie or a stinkie winkie and I will do it in my sinkie winkie.
Another COVID vaccine will come out and be like downloading knowledge from the Matrix.
I will send Ann E. Cudd’s emails to spam. Cutting out toxic people in 2021.
Same problem, different pandemic. Once the masks go by the wayside, condoms will follow suit. Patient zero? Roc the Panther.
Amazon will dominate.
The Perch employees will get mad at me and I will cry.
I will cry more often, and my tears will be far more powerful.
I will find you.
The “es hora de comer” guy will admit to four counts of homicide and subsequent cannibalism.
Pitt will finally open up their definition of clubs to include cults and sketchy religious organizations.
The alt kids will start unironically wearing JoJo Siwa merch around campus.
Even in a global pandemic, the members of the Cathy Club will increase tenfold. Do not underestimate the power of horny freshmen.
Dean Bonner will send out an email proclaiming that he is “very disappointed in us”.
The Pittiful News will parody said email.
I will finally get the spoon I lent to a friend back.
This club’s name will change.
I will finally get up the courage to come out as pro-beastiality so I can ask out my crush, Galligator.
Miraculous LadyBug season 4 will come out.
People, places, and things will happen.
Roc will star in a porno for meth money. It will be his Roc bottom.
Aptly entitled “Roc’s Bottom”.
Maybe I’ll pay the dues (just maybe).
I will burn out halfway through and abandon all of my commitments and blame it on Zoom. Again.
I will finally get the bagels on a stick that Tbo promised me back when iCarly was on the air.
Forty leprechaun-sized men will hijack the Cathedral of Learning and fly it to the moon.
I’ll spend a tuition’s worth of money at the Forbes Chipotle– if they can get orders ready fast enough.
I will hide away the spoon I “borrowed” from a friend so they never find out I used it to eat peanut butter from the jar.
The sixth Jonas Brother will be revealed.
The Czechoslovak Nationality Room will be replaced by the E-Girl Room.
The Pittiful News will change their name. (again)
A group of friends, in some Pitt dorm, somewhere will pledge to start a podcast that nobody will listen to.
The fifth Jonas Brother will succumb to the same STD as Roc did.
People will finally start listening to my podcast.
Clowns have a rich history in the Pittsburgh area, they go back many generations as seen in the balloon family trees they make after asexually reproducing.
Drink: “Honk my Horn if you know what i mean”
Fruit punch, Vegan Bailey’s Irish almond milk creamer, 1 lollipop (on top, similar to a cherry)
The Witchtok community represents a broad spectrum of witches of all kinds, by sharing videos of witch tips, potions, weird peace offerings they leave in the garden for the nymphs, and reading each other’s tarot fortunes to give sad witches some encouragement
Drink: “The Bubble, Bubble, Toil, and Trouble”
A blend of herbal teas with hints of chamomile and rose, some of the stuff from my garden that I didn’t actually plant it just kinda grew, and edible glitter, all stewed in a cauldron (pot) while we chant in Parseltongue
Arbor Day Enthusiasts
Anyone can be an Arbor Day Enthusiast, but not just anyone can be an Arbor Day Enthusiast, if you catch my drift. The community is often split into two factions: those who enjoy celebrating Arbor Day with a barbecue and a game of cornhole and those who are active participants in yearly Arbor Day revolutions worldwide in which they overthrow authoritarian regimes and replace them with a government run by trees. These two factions do not get along (even (especially) on Arbor Day).
Drink: “Committing Treeson”
Maple syrup, sawdust, blanched ginkgo leaves, some wood chips if you’re feeling frisky
The fuckheads, i mean anti-maskers, are a group of people who believe that masks are dummy dumb dumb and they shouldnt be worn because they dont work and kill brain cells. We collectively have two brain cells and are not about to risk losing the rest. Plus, if Trump survived COVID, then we can, too.
Bleach jello shots from coronavirus shaped molds
Children of the Corn
They shuck all day and shuck all night. They shuck when they’re happy and they shuck when they’re sad. They shuck like animals. They love corn and they just don’t care who knows it. Is that what the movie’s about? I think it is.
Drink: “Maybe I’m A-Maize-d”
Corn right off the cob, corn that’s been off the cob for a day or two, high fructose corn syrup, cornmeal, cornflour, a few corny jokes, a unicorn, General Cornwallis, candy corn, corn ethanol, etc.
A community of students and faculty alike, centering their time around the livelihood of the city. The Oakland community consists mostly of Pitt students and other universities’ students who come to the Pitt campus to study. We pride ourselves on our dedication to leaving garbage in the streets whenever possible, which includes but is not limited to: five guys fries we dropped for the birds, cigarette butts, any bag, empty dab carts, and Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond.
Drink: “The Oakland Token”
Five Guys fries we dropped for the birds, cigarette butts, any bag, empty dab carts, and Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond
Nursing Students That Used To Bully Me In High School
The popular kids in school who bullied or outright ignored me are now training to be in charge of people’s survival. They would’ve failed high school chemistry if not for the participation grade, and now they wonder why they’re failing OChem. Hallmarks include messy buns, Lululemon pants, hydroflasks, and the inability to empathize with people outside of their suburban clique! I trust them with my life!
Drink: “The Nursing Dose”
Starbucks Double Shot, mixed with 10 ccs of blood; stat, and the tears of children. Mix for 10 seconds in your mom’s food processor. Add protein bar chunks, stickers that say “it’s a beautiful day to save lives”, and seventeen episodes of Grey’s Anatomy. Complain about early clinicals. Be stuck in one profession for the rest of your life.
The people that are REALLY into monkeys *wink*
Drink:”The Monkey’s Crotch”
16 Fleas, 2 oz of Coconut Cream, 3 oz Pineapple Juice, A Whole Lot of Disapproval From One’s Parents, a Splash of Water, .75 oz of Fresh Lime Juice, 3 dashes of a Cease and Desist from the Local Zoo, and a pinch of salty tears that God didn’t make you a monkey
Instructions: In a blender, combine all the ingredients until smooth. Then pour into a glass before you cry yourself to sleep after realizing you’ve been on permanent house arrest after THAT incident you pulled with monkeys from the local zoo…. Rumor says that those monkeys never looked at people the same way.
They have long lived in the sewers under oakland and have developed their own culture, they often ask other residents to come play with them in the sewers and then eat the students and blame it on Covid-19
Drink: “Honey I Murdered the Kids”
Oh the places you’ll go (Dr. Seuss book), any photograph you have from college, gatorade(red to represent the blood spilt in the sewers)
The pigeons that live in my house
These Pigeons will not leave
Drink: “Just Rat Poison”
Rat poison with a hint of lime, Rat poison restaurant style, rat poison scoops, salt and vinegar rat poison; you can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it. There’s uh, rat poison-kabobs, rat poison creole, rat poison gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried rat poison. There’s pineapple rat poison, lemon rat poison, coconut rat poison, pepper rat poison, rat poison soup, rat poison stew, rat poison salad, rat poison and potatoes, rat poison burger, rat poison sandwich, sour cream and onion rat poison
The giga-chads you see strutting around the inside of the Baierl Student Recreation Center like they own the place. Which, I mean, they do. If they ask me if I’m using something you best believe I’m saying “nope, my bad.” This drink represents everything about the weightlifting community, including but not limited to: shitty cutoffs made from free Pitt t-shirts, skipping leg day, a supply-chain major, and spending Saturdays with the boys.
Drink: “Get Swole or Die Trying”
70g whey protein powder (chocolate flavor), 14 lq oz human sweat, a dash of methamphetamine, peanut butter, 1.2 gal blue powerade run through a Brita filter. All contained in a BlenderBottle, obviously.
Many people in Squirrel Hill are Jewish, some are not, but one thing everyone from Squirrel Hill loves is Manischewitz wine, but since we cant have that due to alcohol content, we will have Kedem’s grape juice
Drink: “do I really need to put a name in this box, I literally said it was just Kedem’s grape juice, oh, it is copying down whatever i say, alexa stop, siri off, google home leave me alone, beam me up scotty, if i hit the enter key maybe it will stop”
Kedem’s grape juice, like just that in a glass, it tastes great
Real and fake facts about Alcohol safety mixed together like a quality cocktail (shaken not stirred, what is this the 1800’s no cocktails are stirred nowadays)
It is unsafe to drink and drive
Putting little umbrellas in your fruity drinks makes them taste better
Making jokes about consent is funny
Pong is a game played at many ceo events
all white house staff must carry narcan, it does not help with alcohol, it is just good for all the “diet” coke (just cocaine) the president does (do not use narcan if someone is overdosing from cocaine, it will send them into cardiac arrest, narcan is safe for use on those overdosing on opioids)
If you drink more, you’ll be happy
It is unsafe to drink and drive
I’m a fruity drink ;)
One sip of beer will steal your virginity, your childhood memories, and your youthful essence
By the writers of the Pittiful News;original email: corrections made in bold
Dear my little sources of income– I mean– Pitt students,
Today, the University (and by university I mean me, like who else is sending these emails?) announced that the Pittsburgh campus plans to move out but still see the kids on weekends from the Elevator Risk to the Gwuarded Wrist Posture, on Monday, Oct. 34, assuming that there are no significant changes in weather conditions. It’s Pittsburgh. In October. Say goodbye to the sun for a while, seriously. Moving to theGuardians of The Galaxy Risk Posture offers us new flexibility, (in more ways than one-we can do the splits now!) and it is the direct result of irresponsible little shits’ behavior and compliance with health and safety guidelines. You have earned this by working together as a community! I’m talking to you, freshman who gather at Flagstaff in groups of 100+ every weekend, this is because of you! I feel even less bad this year for retroactively raising your tuition by $30K. Hell may be hot, but I love a tropical climate.
What will this change mean for you and your body?
(For more guidance, please reference that American Girl Doll puberty book, available at Hillman Library)
Please note that these changes do NOT begin until Monday, Oct. 34. Gwuarded uwu Risk also does not mean that we are returning to a pre-pandemic way of operating and physically, mentally, or sexually engaging with each other (exceptions may be made sexually). We’re still not back to normal, I don’t think I can ever feel normal again. Especially not after the bad trip I had last night with the Provost. I also want to emphasize that you will still need to wear your Axe body spray, follow physical lifting guidelines and practice good genital hygiene. Stay sexy, you dirty dogs!
Instructors may begin to offer more parts of themselves to someone who doesn’t appreciate it. Fall in love with someone who doesn’t care, lose themselves in the moment as well as in-person instruction in most classes. Students still have the choice to attend class remotely if they preferto watch soft porn in bed while having “technical difficulties.” Watch for more communication from your instructors about specific changes to sexual satisfaction.
We will offer bone-in options at select on-cam-pussyboning centers, with limited glory holes and specific health and safety guidelines. Please pay attention to and personally thank all signage in the boning facilities. Additional details will be provided whenever I goddamn please, fuckhead.
Students should continue to be held in my warm, loving arms. However, student organizations will be eligible to host in-cahoots events, with a limited number of nerds and if their club is cool (greek life people if ur reading this can I come to the next party? lol). Students will still be required to wear proper undergarments, physically distance and practice good handjobs at these events.
At this time, the guest policy in the residence halls will not change. You are still limited to 4 prostitutes per academic term (note: staff members are an exception to this rule).
Time Travel guidelines for student organizations will not change. Please limit your personal time travel. If you do time travel, please quarantine for 14 years after traveling. You will need to remain on-campus and will have to continue paying for your housing.
Student Affairs with staff members will continue to destroy families virtually.
The meal plans will remain shitty and not what you signed up for. Enjoy your $150 dolling diners, dumbass.
Student spaces and some offices in the William Pitt Union the Elder may begin to offer in-person hours, with unlimited capacity, we are breaking the laws of physics to make sure you get COVID. We will share more details about these plans next week.
The Gwuarded Risk Posture still requires to be loved by someone as much as she loves them, is that too much to ask for? and our responsible behavior. Each of us needs to continue to do our part to safeguard the stash of weed in the mouth of the panther statue. If that gets stolen again, I can and will cry. I want to remind you, too ;), that the rest of the term still offers us some spicy challenges. Halloween is just around the corner, and it’s a great time to experiment with your budding sexuality, become a goblin, relax and rawdog—but Halloween 2020 isn’t going to be “normal, or fun,” either. We expect that you will follow Pitt’s fun and fresh guidelines on Halloween, too. Enjoy being miserable you fuckers, I had my four years of college halloweekends. (They were mf awesome btw). Shout out the homies in Pike!
In addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division, shifting realities to Hogwarts like all the youths on TikTok and maintaining our emotionally Gwuarded Mindset Risk Posture—with new privileges and equality for all walks of life, comrades unite! and opportunities—is contingent upon our community suckling at the teat of Pitt’s health and safety guidelines, low Rice Purity scores and other county and city factors. If positive cases of chlamydia go up or compliance with paying for my new Teslavia your tuition goes down, then we will remain at or return to an Elevator or Wet ‘n’ Wild Posture quickly; I won’t hesitate, bitch.
Let’s continue to show the world the ööPower ofööPitt! I will check in with you, face to face, body to body, mouth to mouth, next week with more intimate details about our shift to the Gwuarded Risk posture. Until then, remember to take some shots so you don’t look like a loser this weekend, call Student Health Institution for Testing (SHIT) if you have STD symptoms or do not feel sick af (724-359-4394) and turn up!
The facts don’t care about your feelings,
Kenyon Renyon Boner
Rice Provost and Dean’s Milk of Students
If you or a loved one has been affected by the Coronavirus, you may be entitled to compensation! Not from us though, hand over that housing deposit, lol.
Student Government Board: you got disillusioned with the american political system at way too young an age
Italian Club: not enough Buca di Bepo field trips
Jarjar kinks club: you’re not Tyler Sikov
Any a capella group: you watched Pitch Perfect and only enjoyed it a Normal Amount, okay? (and Pitch Perfect 2. And Pitch Perfect 3.)
Imagination project: you’re a disney adult that hates children and was only in it for the cosplay.
Club Sandwich: You ate it, and there was nothing left for the next week.
Student Organization Resource Center: You realized it was an office, not a club.
Chocolate Milk Club: the lactaid wasn’t provided
Any club sport: You were a JV junior who TOTALLY could’ve gone pro, if it weren’t for that career ending papercut. You decided club sports would take time away from your life of leisure and spikeball. Also, why do you feel the need to slap your friends on the ass when they score points? Why the ass-slapping?
Golf Club: They just gave you a golf club
Improv: you realized you still had a shot at having a social life.
Any christian club: you went to the first GBMs of 20 different ones and realized they’re all the same, so you decided to give up. Or you’re Tyler Sikov.
Blue and Gold Society: you’re colorblind
Greek life: not enough spray tan.
Anime club: they told me in the first meeting that Naruto wasn’t a real person :(
Quidditch: you’re a “oh I like harry potter” person, not a “i sleep in hufflepuff themed sheets” person.
Outdoors club: you’re agoraphobic
The Math Club: They gave you pizza the first time and then only gave out werther’s originals at future meetings
The Back to the Future Club: where you try to go back and, um, you know, um, with your mom, but then Biff shows up and um, tries to you know, um, but your dad stops him
Rick and Morty Club: he turns himself into a pickle, Morty. Funniest shit you’ve never seen.
Spanish Club: You don’t speak spanish
Cathy Club: You looked at yourself in the mirror and came to the depressing realization that no one will love you, ever.
Any theater club: you declined to join the giant orgy that they have after every performance
Business Club: You’re not a business student?
Film club: your knowledge of independent film studios doesn’t go beyond A24
French club: You DO speak french, you just have a terrible accent and they just immediately identify you as American and make fun of you
Turning Point USA club: You grew a brain cell.
Bird watching club: they did not plan on making watches for birds as advertised
Indie music club: You’re not a gatekeeper or a gaslighter. Or they gatekept you from becoming an official member and gaslighted you into believing you didn’t want to join.
Pitt Amnesty: You voted for Donald Trump
Pitt Amnesia: What club?
Shuffleboard Club: you’re under the age of 65
Any LGBT club: they told you simply wearing large earrings and/or being on alt tiktok doesn’t actually make you LGBT
Redeye Theater Project: not a bunch of stoners.
Pitt Men’s Glee club: When i told them i’m not gay they said “for now”
Gardening Club: You wanted to be a cottagecore ho but irl you can’t take care of a plant, or any other lifeform for that matter.
Olive Garden Club: we gott-a unlimited breadsticks, you must-a eat them all
Kenny BonBon’s Mani-pedi Mondays: You expected to unlock the truth of what on God’s green earth a “provost” is and why she keeps emailing us. You had no such luck.
Pitt Pole Dancing: You don’t have what it takes, which is a gorilla grip cooter. I do, though, lol.
Classical Civilization Club: they promised you Catullus 16, but what you really got was Catullus 101.
Geography Club: They don’t even listen to Maps by Maroon 5
Austrian Club: After leaving the previous club, you were disappointed to find out that this one didn’t wanna throw shrimps on the barbie
Panther Fly Fishing Club: who makes fishing rods that small?
Quiz Bowl: there was no halftime show
American Society of Highway Engineers: they said their way IS the highway
JUM PST ART: they did not actually plan to make much art
Pitt Celibacy Club: F me am I right
PGH Incel: You thought it stood for Intercollegiate Cellists. You were wrong, but you’ll never be the same.
Pitt ROTC: You thought it stood for Recreational Octogenarian Tag Championship
Model UN: You had the idiotic idea of trusting Sweden.
Pitt Crossfit: You don’t have what it takes to be on American Ninja Warrior
Pitt E-Sports: No one wears deodorant
Pitt Billiards Club: What nerd calls it billiards?
Anti-Maskers of Lower Campus: R.I.P. Gone, but not forgotten
Panther Central: You picked up the phone too early. Fired.
Pitt Emergency Club: You get kicked out of your dorm in the middle of Calculus homework because some idiot on the 4th floor pulled the fire alarm
Flex@Pitt: You thought you could learn a second language over Zoom, now you have a -0.37 GPA
Spoon Pittsburgh: You thought you might finally have some loving, human interaction. You left with a full stomach, but a hole in your heart.
Pitt Dance Marathon: Who hurt you?
Pitt Inquisitorial Squad: You thought you would at least get extra credit for being Gallagator’s personal spy, but you don’t even get a wand :(
The Pitt News: you can get PAID for being in a club? And it’s MINIMUM WAGE?
Pitt EMS: you thought it stood for Extreme Men’s Sports. It doesn’t.
Ice-Cream Sundays: You aren’t actually allowed to eat the ice cream
Pitt Philosophy: They started talking about Sigmund Freud
Pitt Ping Pong Team: It was just a scam in order to get enough funding to go to a really expensive restaurant.
Pitt Hikes: All they do is walk up and down cardiac hill.
PEN-Fifteen Club: they wrote it on your hand and suddenly you realized.
Jazz Club: it’s about the meetings you don’t go to.
Project Potter: You were the only person sorted into Ravenclaw and all they do are house activities so it’s just you awkwardly solving puzzles by yourself in a breakout room while the board members watch. This is not based on a true story.
Game Dev Club: You thought playing Nintendogs made you a gamer.
Pitt Musical Theater Club: *gay panic*
Musical appreciation club: How does a bastard orphan son of a whore and a scotsman dropped in the middle of a forgotten spot in the caribbean by providence impoverished in squalor grow up to run such a horrible club
USITT: u stand.
UPTV: They wouldn’t let you produce your idea for a reboot of the cult classic “the room”
Student alumni association: You weren’t an overachiever in high school that got rejected from Cornell and ended up at their safety.
PITTWAP: You didn’t realize that it stood for “we are panthers”
When I decided to come to Pitt during the winter of my senior year, I had one factor that made the decision easy: Pittsburgh is 9 hours away from my hometown in rural New York, making it the furthest college on my list. So, after I got my acceptance, the choice was already made. I figured that by moving far out of my farmtown bubble, I would make some lasting memories and friends in a new and exciting city. Then, COVID happened, removing many aspects of a typical college experience. But still, my hopes were high when I pulled up to move-in day this August.
I met my roommate and we immediately became friends; I could not have been luckier in that respect. However, the social scene at Pitt is definitely leaving much to be desired at the moment, and I found myself feeling more homesick than I could have anticipated. And if you’re reading this, there’s a good chance you might be feeling the same way. And to you, I give you one piece of wisdom: people let you down. Buildings never will. Without further delay, I present: the emotional support building(ESB).
The ESB will serve as a little slice of paradise in the midst of whatever chaos your new environment brings. No matter how hectic or gloomy your day, you can count on your ESB because it is only a couple of blocks away. There, you can make yourself at home, and the longing for a move back to your cow town will disappear completely. There is one structure that is taken, however: the Forbes Ave Dunkin Donuts. I have dibs, and dibs are law. Let me share a bit about how my life has changed since establishing my very own ESB.
In the dark ages of mid-August, when I was still a Starbucks drinker, I felt the need to call my hometown friends on a daily basis. Now, with my very own Dunkin Donuts to call home, I no longer count down the days until I see them again. In fact, I’ve become something of an asshole; I cannot respond to a text to save my life now that I have a large iced pumpkin swirl with almond milk in each hand. I make my trip to the Forbes Ave Dunkin on most mornings before my earliest class, ordering on the mobile app prior to my arrival. And now, you may ask, “Sarah, why would you purposefully order online when lack of human interaction was what drew you to need an ESB in the first place?” And to that I say, once you’ve felt the love of a chain fast food joint, people only serve as disappointment. That is to say that the joy you gain from finding your own ESB comes not from the people within the structure, but from the structure itself. I may never speak to another person again.
As I sit here writing this from my seat in the dining area of my Emotional Support Building, I begin to wonder why I wasted the first 18 years of life interacting with non-building entities. You see, people lie, cheat, and commit heinous acts. Not buildings, though. Never buildings. If you need a sign, this is it: quit people, find your ESB today. You’ll never look back.