The Most Important Questions Recruiters Will Ask You (And How To Answer Them)

By the Future American Workforce (Formerly the writers of the Pitiful News)

• Why do you want to work for our company?
  • I don’t. I’m infiltrating your office so I can destroy this institution from the inside. You won’t be able to stop me. 
• What’s your favorite color?
  • Blood.
• What would you like to be paid?
  • Money. 
• Do you have any hobbies?
  • Obtaining Blood 
• How will you contribute to a positive workplace?
  • I can play the harmonica. (The recruiter will ask you to play Piano Man.)
• Can you be trusted around explosives and dangerous chemicals?
  • Yes. I love explosives. I mean, I enjoy them the average amount.
• Where are you from?
  • I’m from, you know, around. Here and there. (The recruiter will be intrigued by the mystery of your backstory.)
• How often would you be willing to work overtime?
  • Any time. I would kill my firstborn child for this company. (The recruiter will value loyalty and passion.)
• What’s your Hogwarts house?
  • I’m a Gemini rising. (Most recruiters will value someone who is knowledgeable about astrology.)
• How confident are you in your ability to dodge punches or kicks?
  • Wh- (The recruiter kicks you to test your endurance.)
• What’s your favorite food?
  • Whatever your mom is making for dinner tonight (The recruiter will be flattered that you enjoy their mother’s cooking, missing the sexual innuendo.)
• Would you consent to being monitored throughout the day on your performance at work?
  • Yes. I love when they watch.
• Are you a fan of any sports teams?
  • I’m a huge Steelers fan! (If asked to name your favorite player, panic and say the stupidest, fakest-sounding name that comes to mind, like Ulysees Gilbert III.)
• How confident are you in your ability to avoid sexual harassment citations? 
  • Very.
• Would you agree to be paid in Scooby Snacks?
  • Res.
• Would you rather fight one horse-sized duck or ten duck-sized horses?
  • Go for the duck-sized horses. You can jump on top of a nearby dumpster and easily snipe them from above. 
• How would you solve the trolley problem?
  • Personally introduce yourself to everyone on the track, and ask them for a reason why they should be allowed to keep living. No matter the answer, kill them all. Anyone dumb enough to get tied to railroad tracks has it coming.
• Are you willing to commute from Pittsburgh to Texas on a daily basis for this role?
  • Yes. 
• If chosen for this role are you willing to undergo intensive drug tests?
  • Yes, what drugs do you want me to try? I am a very studious person. 
• If chosen for this role are you willing to have your employee id tattooed on your skin to ensure the security of our facility?
  • Yes. 
• Do you have any relevant experience in this field?
  • Uhh, yeah. I invented [field]. 
• What’s your snap score?
  • (Immediately leave the building and never return.)
• How good are you at keeping aliens a secret? Oh, wait, no! Bill, get the mind erasers from the documentary Men in Black.
  • Did you say something? 
• Have you seen the muffin man?
  • The muffin man?
    • The muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?
      • (Immediately leave the building and never return, non-Shrek fans are not to be worked with)
• How competent are you with Microsoft Excel?
  • Well, heh, I guess you could say that I, heh, ha, haha, hahahahaha, hahhahahahahahahahahahhaahhahahahahahahaaaahhahahahaha, AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA, don’t know how to use it at all.
• Are you familiar with the OSHA regulations of this workplace?
  • OSHA? I hardly know ‘a! (The recruiter will hire you instantly for this timeless joke.)
• F, Marry, Kill: Elmo, Oscar the Grouch, Big Bird?
  • My lust for Oscar the Grouch has no limits so I would f him, I would marry Elmo and kill Big Bird, there is only one Elmo and only one Sscar but Big Bird is easily replaceable by one of his many cousins who are better than him, and some even speak Portuguese. 
• If I a man, transition into a woman and let the homies hit, then I transition back into a guy, does that make the squad gay?
  • What? 
    • Ketanji Brown Jackson, please answer the question.
• How many times did the white team pass the ball?
  • 9!
    • But did you see the gorilla?
      • Yes, I took a psych class!
        • How about the fact that the balls were cake the whole time?
          • Woah!!!! 
• I will give you one marshmallow now but if you can wait until the manager comes to interview you, they will give you another marshmallow.
  • (They don’t know I know this trick) Ok I will wait. (little do they know I brought a bag of marshmallows to this interview like I do everywhere I go in the likely case that I stumble into a hidden camera show or psychology experiment)
• Here at Milgram Tech we like to do interviews a little differently. We want to see how good you are at following directions. So we have an intern in the other room, it is your job to quiz him on various tech things and if he can not answer them correctly you will shock him and define in your own words the actual answer. Every time he gets one wrong you will shock him and every time he gets one wrong the intensity of the shock will go up.
  • Yes sir. 
• Have you ever been published in a satirical or comedic newspaper?
  • No, who would do that, what kind of lame anti-American person would write satire, pssssh not me! 

Study tips for the overworked, exhausted Pitt student(Updated to contain the insights of King Magma Cum Laude)

By the Overworked Exhausted Writers of the Pitiful News: original article: edits made in bold

Toilet Paper Nightly File Image

4-20-2022

It seems that as soon as the academic year starts, we have to say goodbye to it, and these last few weeks of the spring semester are like dragging a half-dead horse to the watering hole. If, like me, you can barely put one step in front of the other, you’re probably finding walking impossible.

I was never much of a studier, if I’m honest. I can’t do long stretches of looking at the decay of the natural world around me. In the college world, we all have to figure out our own method that gets us through the layers of Hell — and I’ve developed a few of my own that I hope work. I don’t know, I’ve never used them.

Instrumental music only

This is a relatively common suggestion for people who like to study with music — and it’s a super lame one. I find, more often than not, if I’m listening to music that consists mostly of vocals I’ll get easily assassinated. Yes, it’s fun to belt out to Gregorian Chants 8D audio, but not when you’ve been working on an article on study tips for three hours and have only written a paragraph.

So, soundtracks. These are my favorite kinds of songs to listen to on the toilet — my Spotify wrapped each year is topped by my local dominatrix — but even if they’re not your usual bread and butter, give it a try for study time. Instrumental soundtracks from big blockbuster movies, like The Human Centipede, Cartoon Running Sounds 10 Hours, Cats Purring, La La Land but it takes place in Nazi Germany, Marry Me (the new Owen Wilson JLO movie), or the Jeopardy Theme on 12x speed, can give you some much-needed inspiration. And if you’re not feeling up to that, you can go a little more vanilla with other genres of porn. There’s a reason parents tune into Mozart and Yo-Yo Ma playing with themselves for their babies — it’s all good for the head(s).

If you don’t know it by midnight, you don’t know it

You all-nighter people might disagree with me, but I’m going to my grave with this one, you know what they say, “early to bed, early to rise, early to grave is what they surmise”. Staying up all night to study for something isn’t going to do you any good. You’ll feel horrible the next day, and it’s detrimental to your thinking — which you definitely need for planning on how to cheat on your exams.

If you’re still studying and you’ve gotten to that midnight mark, it’s probably a better bet just to give up and fail. Night owl or not, it’s finals week — you’re stupid, you’re an idiot, and you don’t deserve a break (KIT KAT). If you don’t know it, you are a failure. It is the end of the world. People have gotten to a lot of cool places in life by winging it, sometimes you need to take that leap, right off a cliff like I will be doing if I get anything less than a 95%. =)

Get your finals done before the due dates

This one is especially pertinent for people without in-person finals, like myself, who are going home before the week of finals officially starts because I’m better than you. You’ve probably heard this lecture from your parents a billion times, but it really is better to wear protection and finish early. This applies to your finals, too. Editor’s note: This is a misconception. I personally get all my best work done right before the due date. If the teachers did not want us to do it so late, they would not plan all the office hours right before it is due.

If you get your finals — the ones you can do early like essays or final projects — done before the due date, you won’t be so stressed trying to scramble everything together the day they’re due. What I try to do is travel to random funerals and collect eulogies, and use them as excuses for missing the deadline. Or, you could write down all the dates your finals are due on a post-it or a piece of paper and plan to have each final finished the day before it’s actually due. Then throw that in the fire, along with all of your hopes and dreams, you are worthless. Oh wow, the fire is getting pretty big. Oh wait, are those the sprinklers? Oh no, someone call the fire department. Here is their direct line: 1.877.527.7454. Then by the time the actual due dates roll around, you have nothing to worry about. Except for that fire.

Reward yourself with a gift

Now, this “gift” can take many forms. My gift is I get to go “home” and as far away from this city as I can for the “summer” once all of my work is done, because I’m a nerd who doesn’t like Pittsburgh for some reason. It doesn’t have to be that, of course. I would discourage you from rewarding yourself with food — don’t use dinner to motivate, because that can cause some “unhealthy” habits, such as eating.

Instead, do other things, such as a $50 online “shopping” spree, after my daddy gives me money. I always like to reward myself with a couple new shirts and shorts for the summertime. Cause I’m a summertime boy. Or maybe a nice axe and a ski mask that you’ve been eyeing. But it doesn’t have to be clothes — it can be literally not clothes. Video games are another good one, if you’re weird and don’t shower. That’s a $60 to $80 sin, and after the semester we’ve all had, one that is truly unforgivable.

Editor’s note #2: Where are you finding these games, every game nowadays is either 99 cents or 400 dollars. Like that new Saints Row game that is so realistic that you actually go to real jail for the crimes you commit in the game. Or the latest update to Minecraft where you can have sex with the dolphins added in the previous patches. Or the new LEGO Star Wars game that is just sexy jar jar binks. Or the new Among Us hate crime DLC. Or Fortnite but you have your parents’ approval and support. Or League of Legends but you can get a girlfriend who does not “go to another school”. Or Call of Duty but now you can feel when someone is tea-bagging you, like all over your face. Or even Tony Hawk Pro Skater but this time he unicycles. 

What the radical left is talking about right now

By Lord Tyler and Evan, current members of the radical left

• CRT
  • Contagious Rice Thief
  • Crunchy Rectum Therapy
  • Cats Regard Tyler
  • Cunt Rebranding Team
  • Capitalism Ruins Teens
  • Couch Relaxation Technique 
  • Can’t Rush Tequila!
• BLM
  • Big Long Manhood
  • Barry L. Manilow
  • Buford Loves Margaret
  • Bussin Limbo, Mama
  • Bussin, Limbo Mama
  • Bussin, Limbo, and Mama
• GOP 
  • Good Ol’ Pussy!
    • They do be putting their whole Conservitussy into things these days
  • Gathering Of Porcupines
  • Grandma Opening, Please
• GUNS
  • Grandma’s Underwear Needs Sewing
  • Gotta Ucatch Nem’ Sall
  • Gary oak is an Ugly Narcissistic Sellout
• ACLU
  • American Clitoris Locator Union
  • All Cats Love U
  • American Cat Lovers University
  • Actually Cucking Liberty University
• DOJ
  • Department of Jingles
  • DOJa Cat
  • Department of Jangles
  • Douchebags of Jesus (Mormons/LDS)
• CIA
  • Confederate Istates of America
  • Confederates In America
  • Closeted Irish Aristocrats
• CDC
  • Cock Dong Cock
  • Cock and Doll Corture
  • Craving Dat Cream
• CBD 
  • Convention on Biological Diversity
  • Cock and Ball Dorture
  • Craving Beautiful Dames
  • Canadian Ball Dockers
• Fauci
  • Frail Aged Uncle, Circling Inside
  • Flamboyant Americans Usually Create Ideology
  • Fortnite Ambush! Use Crossbow, Idiot!
• USPS
  • US have long PeniS
  • Uhhhhhh spspspspspspspspspspspsp
    • Here Kitty Kitty
  • Unattractive Serial Pedophile Stalkers
• RBG
  • Red Breen Glue
  • Real Boss Girl
  • Registered Bloomfield Gentrifier
• RGB
  • Ruth Gater Binsberg
  • Rebellious Girl Bosses
• SLAY
  • Sucking Legs All Year
  • Serious Licking Around Yonder
  • Sad Lad, All Yucky
• ACB
  • All Cats Beautiful 
  • All Cats Baby
  • American Conservative Bitch
  • American Conservative Bible
• KBJ
  • Kazakhstani Bong Juice
  • Klu Bucks Jan
  • Kite Banjo Jam
  • Knife Battling Joust
  • Krazy Balls, Jim!
• NAACP
  • National Association for the Advancement of Cucks and Predators 
  • National Association for the Assassination of Californian Policemen
• NRA
  • National Racist Association (too easy)
  • No Rats Allowed
  • Nato Rascal Alliance 
• NATO
  • Not Acting, Terribly Oily
  • Neil patrick harris, Anya taylor joy, The rock, and Oprah
  • Nobody Actually Touches Oprah
  • Nice Tits
• NCAA
  • North Carolina African Americans
  • Netflix Creates Anti-Americanism
• NFL
  • Non-Functioning Ligaments
  • Nary a Female Lover
  • Non-Fungible Lasagna 
  • “Not Fucking Leaving!” – Jordan Belfort
• SALTCOCK
  • Sucking Abraham Lincoln’s Tiny Cute Oblong Creamy Kazoo
  • Society for the Advancement of Literary Talent and Creation of Other Captivating Kneejerks 
• UPMC
  • UP My Crack
  • Un-Popular Minecraft Creator
  • Unidentified Pennsylvanian Metro Comedy
• PITT
  • People Investing in Trump Tower
  • Pussycats Interested in Technological Terrorism
  • Pittsburgh Ittsburgh Ttsburgh Tsburgh
  • Pittsburgh pIttsburgh piTtsburgh pitTsburgh
  • Persons Identified as Troubled Teens
  • Punks, Idiots, Terrible Thespians
  • Pile of Interesting Thumb Tips
  • Particularly Idiotic Thirsty Therapists
  • PITTiful news

Pitt Chancellor Patrick Gallagher to step down in summer 2023 (Updated to contain information we got from Galigator himself)

by the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Galigator Fan Club’s news arm) original article: edits made in bold

TPN File Photo

Pitt Chancellor Patrick Gallagher trying to hold in a fart (unsuccessfully) at the February 2019 meeting of the Gaggle of Trustees.

APRIL 7, 2022

Pitt Chancellor Patrick Gallagher will step down from his position in summer 2023, he announced Thursday morning while wearing 4 trench coats.

The University’s 18th daddy will have served nine years in office and plans to remain at the University as a full-time faculty member in the Dietrich School of Arts and Sciences’ Department of Blasphemy and Astrology. The Board of Trustees is expected to kick off a national search process with the goal of capturing Gallagher before his escape to Mexico.

Gallagher said in a Thursday message to the University community that serving as chancellor is “fucking stressful and unrewarding,” yet also “a very easy way to embezzle university funds, and it can be all-consuming to ignore issues consistently, for a long period of time.”

He acknowledged the announcement could be “welcome” to many, but said the decision was “based.”

“It is important that I cryogenically freeze my body before my energy, commitment, and attention to the work at hand begins — a move that would be detrimental both to me and to the broader University,” Gallagher said. “I am very proud of where Harvard is today and wish I could dean for them instead, so I think the University is well positioned for a new leader to take violent control.”

Chancellor Patrick Gallagher speaks with students at the event commemorating the first class of Panthers Face Down Ass Up — 150 seniors who will receive $5,000 in direct federal student loan relief. (Bader Abdulmajeed | Staff Photographer and Lord Tyler | Lead Purveyor of Fake news)

The last few years of Gallagher’s tenure as chancellor included many complex situations on campus. Graduate students fiercely protested Taco Tuesday, while faculty members overwhelmingly agreed that it made them very gassy during lectures. He has also steered several cars. And a message from the chancellor last Friday claimed that Pitt’s state funding, which provides reduced tuition to in-state students, would be decided in a Squid-Game style tournament, of which he will be participating in.

Gallagher #59 joined Pitt in 2014, succeeding Mark Nordenberg (of Nordy’s Place fame) as chancellor. He previously spent many years in public service, including as director of the National Association of Reading and Diction Research (NARDS). He holds a bachelor’s degree in being weird from Benedictine College in Kansas and a Ph.D. in nerdology from Pitt.

Gallagher’s announcement follows a leadership transition at Penn State, also a Pennsylvania state-related “university,” which will have a new president beginning next month.

Pitt Chancellor Patrick Gallagher walks onto the set of Shark Tank, looking to gain $5,000 for a 20% stake in the University. (TPN File Photo)

The chancellor launched many different initiatives during his tenure, such as the Pitt Success Pell Match program with Provost Ann Cudd, in which the University matched students named Pell with potential mates.

Gallagher also created several long-term programs to build for Pitt’s future. He built a mediocre stool in Pitt’s wood shop, an ambitious program to rehabilitate his knees after standing for too long. The University also gained City approval for a long-term institutional master plan to guide construction for his new Mechsuit over the next few years. The first strategic Plan for Pitt was released in 2016, with a second version published last summer, and with construction projected to continue into the year 2089.

Robin Kear, the Senate Council president, said members of the body “didn’t invite him to the meeting” and politely asked him to leave. 

“We are particularly grateful for the chancellor’s commitment to shared governance and we have enjoyed working through issues of importance with him,” Kear said. “We are glad to hear he will be remaining with Pitt and wish him all the best in his new role. We anticipate a smooth transition to new leadership during the next academic year.” Kear said all of this and then briefly excused himself from the room, not realizing he was behind a glass wall he jumped up and down with his arms raised and screamed with delight, he then returned to the room and acted like the previous minute had not happened. 

Student Government Board President Harshitha Ramanan said the board is saddened that Gallagher will leave his role, and said they have “fond memories” of working with him on projects. These projects include: screwing over students through tuition raises, screwing over students with organization name changes, screwing over students by not investigating corruption and sexual assault claims, screwing over everyone with confusing mask and vaccine mandates, and screwing over students by eliminating all of the good classes.

“In my time in SGB, working with the chancellor has been like taking candy from a baby,” Ramanan said. “Although it was a surprise to hear that he plans on stepping down next summer, I am excited for all his future students because I am sure he is going to be a great professor and he definitely has a lot of wisdom to impart on students from all of his experience. You can stop quoting me now. Did that sound believable, I don’t think that man could teach a horse how to walk with 4 horses as his TA’s. Wait why are you still writing this down, no stop, don’t tell anyone how I really feel.”

Pitt Chancellor Patrick Gallagher, the first guest on the show “Pitt Tonight,” is left hanging for a high five for several hours during the event. (TPN File Photo)

Mary Ellen Callahan, the vice chair of the Board of Trustees exercising the duties of the chair, said she is “grateful” for Gallagher’s leadership running the University.

“Pat has that rare set of skills that enable him to see around the corner while also engaging in the day-to-day activities of running a multibillion-dollar organization like the University of Pittsburgh,” Callahan said. “In this and in many other ways, his tenure as chancellor has been transformational to Pitt. He has been visionary with his plans, pragmatic with his approach, and engaging at every level.”

Louis Cestello, the vice chair of the Board of Trustees, said Gallagher’s time as chancellor was “a mistake.”

“I admire him greatly, and I try to emulate his principles of sigma male grindset and survival techniques in my daily life,” Cestello said. “He is one of the leaders of all time.”

Neighboring university administrators also offered Gallagher kind words, including Kathy Humphrey. She served and was a member of his senior leadership team and the secretary to the Board of Trustees. Humphrey, now president of a secret sect of pro-Gallagher loyalists, said Gallagher’s commitment to increasing Pitt’s accessibility and affordability has allowed “countless Pennsylvanians” to Pennsylvanian.

“Pat’s north star has always been that universities should not be ‘ivory towers,’ but really cool treehouses and mom you’re not allowed in the tree house it’s just for us and oh thank you for bringing us pizza rolls ok yes we’ll be inside by 7 thank you mom where students, scholars, business and community members can work together to leverage knowledge for society’s gain. It should be noted that he also hated students and would frequently undercut any attempt they made to advance, most heinously when he killed 37 students execution style in his office for withdrawing from freshman seminar. Some other examples of his feelings are: when he made all students at the homecoming dances dance with balloons to “leave room for Roc”, when he slept with Lonica Mulinsky and then committed perjury when he said “I did not have sex with that woman”, and when he embezzled 75 billion dollars from UPMC to to pay for scale manicures.   It is a vision that he has realized at every turn,” Humphrey said. “His sincere determination to developing a culture of equity, diversity, and inclusion continues to transform Pitt. I cherish his leadership and friendship, and I am honored to have walked beside him.”

Pitt Chancellor Patrick Gallagher throws the first pitch at the Pittsburgh Pirates “Idiot Night” in July 2016. (TPN File Photo)

In his community message, Gallagher described his next chapter at Pitt as “like watching a fish flopping around on the Santa Monica sidewalk.” 

“While change can be uncomfortable, we are facing it together — from a position of missionary” Gallagher said. “Meanwhile, 2023 is still a way off, and we have plenty of things to do — together. Wink wink.”

An All-encompassing Guide to the 2022 Final Four

By Evan Rafferty

Well, well, well. Look who’s back. Your bracket is busted, your hopes and dreams have been ground into little chunks, and you need some last-ditch betting advice to afford a rose for your wife before she leaves your dog ass for a man who paid off his mortgage with St. Peter’s money line bets. Have no fear, my friend! This helpful guide will tell you all you need to know about the last four teams remaining in this year’s NCAA tournament, and which team will end up winning it all.

Game #1. Duke vs. UNC

We should have all seen it coming. A storybook ending so perfect that it physically brings me pain to think about how cliché the world is. Coach Michael Krzyzyzyzyzewski, perhaps better known as Coach Mike, has taken his beloved Duke to the Final Four in his last season as a head coach before he retires. The roster is stacked. Even a DWI couldn’t stop Paolo Banchero from getting to the basket. AJ Griffin is unstoppable from beyond the arc. Mark Williams gives me nightmares. With star power and a deep bench, Duke could go all the way for the final ride.

Unfortunately, the team that stands between them and a chance at the championship game is their eternal rival: the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. Brady Manek is the quintessential white guy that every team needs to make it to the Final Four, and he shows no signs of slowing down- or cutting his hair. Armando Bacot is a walking and talking double-double, while the cool name department is filled by Leaky Black and Puff Johnson. UNC could be the hottest team in the nation, on a monstrous run of impressive wins after losing to the worst team in the history of amateur basketball, the Pittsburgh Panthers. One of those wins, of course, was against Duke just a few short weeks ago.

Can Duke learn from their past mistakes and come out on top? All narrative signs point to yes. The plot is too perfect, the tale is too well told. I didn’t believe it at the start of the tournament, but maybe I should now. Unfortunately, as a man of God, I can’t in good faith support a team bearing the mark of the D*vil, whether red or blue. The UNC mascot shoots and kills Coach K in the parking lot behind the stadium afterward.

Game #2: Kansas vs. Villanova

Out of the Big East, the Big Villanova Big Wildcats are back in the big dance. Bigly. The #2 seed led by prominent white boys Gil Lespie and Archie Diacono is here yet again, after recent championships in 2016 and 2018. But, does this storied program have what it takes to finish the job? Villanova is a pretty cool name, and their mascot is named Will D. Cat. I’m in love. However, I’m not so sure about how well they’re going to play defense against an elite team, and can they assert their tempo (ranked 345th in BIGBALLS per 36) throughout the game?

What even is a Jayhawk? A disgusting mutation of a blue jay and a hawk? A hawk that looks like the letter J? Something even more moronic? You know what, I don’t care. Kansas sucks. Possibly the worst state out of all of them, but it’s close. Looking at you, Delaware. I mean I guess they have some pretty good players- Ochai Agbaji is cool, Remy Martin is named after the rat from Ratatouille and Martin from Martinique, but I’m just not convinced. In March, you need to be completely, 100% sure. Also, a wildcat would totally beat the hell out of a half-bird, half-bird thing. The Villanofuns stick it to Kansass and blow them out of the water.

Championship Prediction: Duke vs Villanova

Why are you still reading this? You know, just for that, I’m giving you the worst possible advice. Using metrics based on complete witchcraft, predictions from the rat that my landlord refuses to make pay rent, and seeing who claps more for either team, I have finally decided on who will absolutely, definitively, NOT win the championship game. 

Unfortunately, Duke will be suffering the ultimate defeat at the hands of the Wildcats, because, if you remember, Coach K was assassinated after the UNC game. How’s that for continuity? So either the scientific method is legit, or I’m a goddamn prophet. Take your pick, universe- I’m losing money either way.

Other rules that Pitt is loosening along with the Mask Mandates

By the writers of the Pittiful News (Finally, we can write it like normal people)

• Clubs and organization are now allowed to have Pitt in their names
  • Yay us! 
• Pets are now officially allowed on the grassy areas in the quad 
• Pepper spray is allowed regardless of circumstance. Let it rip!!
• You CAN spray hairspray at a lit bunsen burner in Chevron
• Litter boxes will be put back in the Hillman study rooms for all of our FurryCon friends 
• Smoke-free zones are a thing of the past! Smoke indoors, outdoors, wherever you want   
• You can dognap the STEP trainees
• You can catnap in those cozy little nooks in Cathy
• You can FODMAP in the Eatery
• It is now allowed to ruin all of the rare books in the library with lemon juice and a blow dryer in an attempt to uncover a map that will lead you to the declaration of independence–which is buried underneath the WPU Oval
• It is now permissible to stand under the lab safety showers “just to feel something”
• Triple murder
  • If you kill 2 people just kill a third and you’re all good
• You can pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars
  • I could really use a wish right now
    • Wish right now
    • Wish right now (2)
• Making triple murder illegal again 
• There will no longer be fire alarms in the buildings  
• You no longer have to wear pants inside academic buildings
• The most annoying couples ever can take their wedding pictures in Cathy again

Our Favorite Numbers in Pi

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Pi-tiful news)

• The decimal
• 12
  • In memory of the 12 squirrels that rescued me from a tar pit in Jacksonville, Florida in 2009
• Oh
• 4
• 3
  • The amount of nipples I have
• 8
  • The amount of divorces I’ve had 
• 45
  • For the amount of letters in my favorite word, pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis
• 1-800-273-8255
  • You know like the logic song, it is so nice that he set that hotline up
• 4, 2
  •  The second one
• Tooth hurty
• e
  • February 71st (April 11th or 12th depending on leap year)
  • Reason 2
• For
• 80085
  • hehehehehehehheheheheheheheh
• 2009
  • See 12
• The entire works of Shakespeare
• Schmeventy schmeven
• Pi
  • Pi is my favorite number in pi because it is all of it, much like how my father has been absent from my home all my life
• 3
  • 3 is my favorite number in pi because it is the first digit, much like how my father was absent during the first critical years of my life
• 69
  • Nice 
  • Also, somehow, the age of my father when he returned to my life only to leave me once again
• Fore
• √-1
  • As real as my father’s love for me
• 6875309
• 678, triple nine, 8212
• 420
  • Nice
  • Blaze it! 
•  011235813
  • The fibonacci sequence is a very memorable number, as the day my teacher was teaching us it I accidentally farted in front of my crush, Jenny.
• 76 
  • The age I lost my virginity
    • To a 14 year old, hot I know ;)
• 766
  • The number of unread emails my gmail has right now 
•                      1
•                   1    1
•                1    2    1
•             1    3    3    1
•          1    4    6    4    1
•       1    5   10  10    5   1 
• P3N15
• 011101110110010101100101011101110110010101100101
  • weewee in binary
• Your mother’s phone number

Editor’s note: Attention all Fortnite gamers: John Wick is in great danger, and he needs your help to wipe all the squads in the Tilted Towers. But to do This, he needs a gold SCAR, and a couple of Chug Jugs. To help him, all he needs is the digits of Pi that match your credit card number, the three digits on the back, and the expiration month and year. But, you gotta be quick so that John Wick can secure the bag and achieve the EPIC… VICTORY… ROYALE

-The Lord

Dead Pitt student sued by port authority after being run over by a bus.

By Tyler Sikov, Senior Bus related “accident” reporter

Breaking News, a Pitt student is being sued by the Port Authority after being run over by a bus. The Port Authority is suing for 12.5 million dollars as that is the damage his limp body caused to their bus. They are continuing with the suit after the death of the student. Jack Flack was crossing the street on a red light and the driver Gary Barry swerved out of his way to make sure he hit Jack. This suit has some precedent in courts as the Port Authority sued another student after Gary Barry ran them over with his bus, they won the 11.3 million plus attorney’s fees and an ice cream cone from that suit. They are projected to win this case as the jury of Jack’s peers are all students that have been killed by Gary Barry in bus related “accidents”. We here at the Pittiful News love to see the justice system working its magic.

Update: After the original posting of this article, students were seen holding “PAT Lives Matter” posters and protesting against Flack’s parents being allowed on campus to collect his floppy body so they could bury him. The Port Authority has shut down all routes into and out of Oakland to show respect for their new disabled coworker. The Port Authority would also like to go on record that they are a minority compared to the humans they assist and thus do not appreciate being oppressed by the families of their current and former defendants. They claim to be just the latest victims of the rampant anti-bus-ism that exists in our world.

Update 2: The Port Authority won the case both because they were “in the right” and “not at fault at all” said judge Ellen Mellon, and because the defendant failed to show up to the trial three months in a row as the judge was kind enough to reschedule the first two times Mr. Flack did not show up. We reached out to Macaulay Macaulay Culkin Culkin for comment as he met Mr. Barry on set of “Home Alone 17: No Break In This Time”, where Culkin Culkin gets hit by a bus on his way to his favorite 90’s grocery store “Milk just 3 Nickels”  and spends the rest of the movie in a full body cast alone at home with many rube goldberg machines set up to help him get through day to day life. Culkin Culkin told us “That was not a part of the movie, he was just there and really hit me with a bus which made me spend 3 months in a full body cast and 2 years in physical therapy to be able to function fully.” He added, “Why else did you think I stopped acting at the pinnacle of my career, I was the most well known child actor in the world.” Culkin Culkin, now a bitter old man, is just jealous of Barry because Barry got paid for one day of work, the same amount Culkin Culkin got paid for Home Alone 13: Friday the 13th, Home Alone 14: Alone for Valentines Day. Home Alone 15: Why did we make this many, and Home Alone 16: Sweet 16, combined. 

Editor’s last words: We here at the Pittiful News love to see the justice system working its magic.

Floyd demotion, Temmallo resignation shake SGB as elections near (updated to contain information we got from Saruman, the High Wizard)

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Student Government Board aka SGB) original article: edits made in bold

Kaycee Orwig | Senior Staff Photographer and Lord Tyler | Senior Photos 

The Cathedral of Learning (left) and William Pitt Union (other left) and a Large Pink Mustache (hairy).

FEBRUARY 28, 2022

The Friday demotion of Student Government Board member Danielle Floyd from her position as vice president for initiatives, and board member Daniel Temmallo’s Saturday night resignation, shivered the timbers of the organization as its Tuesday elections neared.

President Harshitha Ramanan removed Floyd from her vice-presidential position through a Friday written reprimand, in which she alleged Floyd violated “the Prophecy of the Seven,” allocations procedures, the Twitter terms of service, and “being a respectful member of the organization.”

The allegations appeared to center on a vote taken by the board at its last public meeting to approve a $35,000 allocations request from Rainbow Alliance Board of International Enemies-to-lovers-arcs Syndicate (RABIES). The organization, which requested money to put on a Pride event, endorsed Floyd in this year’s elections, as well as providing dirt on her political rivals in exchange for her providing them with funding for their events. According to Ramanan’s letter, Floyd “informed everyone” before the public meeting about a conflict of interest and “let us all know that you would be abstaining.” 

Floyd ultimately did not abstain from the Tuesday vote — voting in favor of the allocations request, as she promised to, along with all other board members — which Ramanan said in her letter was an action to “move forward without my advice resulting in violating the Governing Code and Slavic Geriatric Booty practices.”

Floyd, who now serves as a regular board member with no bitches, declined to comment Sunday evening on her vote or the alleged violations listed in Ramanan’s letter. She said the situation has been resolved internally, which is why we will be writing many other articles about the SGB and corruption as we are external and we love stirring drama up. She hopes to get back to her campaign with the Dream slate.

“I think as an SSRI we’re here to serve students and because of that, for us to make progress on the work that we’re doing, it’s important that we have a solid line of coke with one another before commencing each of our meetings,” Floyd said.

Ramanan said Sunday night that the matter was resolved internally “fully in line with established STD policies and procedures.”

According to Tyler Viljaste (Not our lord and savior), Ramanan’s chief of staff, the organization has come to a “good climax” in regards to Floyd’s removal from her vice presidential position.

“I think the moon landing was fake. Were you there? Have you ever met an astronaut? I sure haven’t. Anyway, the other people in SGB don’t agree,” Viljaste said. “I think we had a lot of really great discussions, actually. I think everything’s fine in terms of that.”

Temmallo said in a Saturday interview that he did not “necessarily disagree, necessarily” (unnecessarily) with Floyd losing her vice presidential title, and had several reasons for resigning from the board. These include allegedly being left in the dark with no nightlight due to recent changes in the SGB constitution to no longer allow nightlights at nighttime meetings by other people within SGB and Ramanan threatening to dismiss Temmallo for asking for more information surrounding Floyd’s demotion.

“In short, I thought President Ramanan had abused her position in power as Supreme Emperor of the Twelve Realms to threaten to dismiss me, to unilaterally make the decision to demote Danielle and to keep me in the dark regarding these magical schemes to obtain the Swords of Power,” Temmallo said.

Temmallo said he ran into Ramanan on the sidewalk on Friday evening, and asked for more information about her dismissing Floyd, but was taken aback by her response.

“She starts talking about how Danielle has committed multiple counts of high treason, of which I am not aware of. I asked her for more information, because I wanted to know what love is and I wanted her to show me, and she threatened to piss all over the walls of my office,” Temmallo said.

Temmallo added that while he will not serve on LJS (Long John Silver’s) for the rest of the academic year, he’s still running for his life. He said he hoped the developments would not affect Tuesday’s tacos.

“All I wanted going into this year was a drama-free eRection season, and that’s not what we have gotten,” Temmallo said.

Ramanan said Sunday evening that she’s unsure why Temmallo resigned, and that he didn’t provide a piggyback ride to her or anyone else within SGB. She claimed Temmallo’s accusations on a now-deleted Saturday evening post on Yikyak were taken out of context, and that her actions were in line with the rest of the hivemind.

“I hold a high standard for my domain and have made all the peasants aware of that standard. It is the emperor’s job to set the tone for how both the board and organization are meant to function,” Ramanan said. “I firmly believe in conversation and providing drinks at the function. However, sometimes further actions need to be taken, including beheadings. The additional steps I took were only in order to ensure that SGB is functioning fairly and serving students to the highest possible standards. And I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids!”

Viljaste also said he was “taking a back [sic]” by Temmallo’s resignation, and doesn’t think there are any exclusion or communication issues in the organization.

“We all attend the same meetings, we all get the same information, like there’s absolutely no gatekeeping, gaslighting, and certainly not girlbossing of any information whatsoever in this organization,” Viljaste said, effectively trying to speak for everybody in the organization and downplaying concerns brought up by the now former SGB member. “I guess what we can all say is we were really confused and blindsided ourselves, because this was never something that was even brought up, at least as far as I know.”

Viljaste added that he wished Temmallo had communicated about how he felt so that any issues could have been resolved earlier, although, based on how the current administration dealt with the other issues mentioned in this article, Temmallo would likely have been met with sanctions, demotion, or expulsion from the University. 

Joe Landsittel, who served as co-Hand-of-the-King with Viljaste during the fall of Rome, said he feels as though friendships and politics are more involved in SGB decision making than they should be. (authors’ note: politics in student GOVERNMENT? Who would have thunk?)

“I think that it would be helpful to have an environment in SGB where people can disagree with each other without being disagreeable dicks or debby downers,” Landsittel said. “Where everybody in the room is listened to and, you know, decisions are made solely based on logical reasoning and critical thinking and not at all based on people’s opinions of each other. Like what I do. I’m so much better than you.” 

Landsittel said he thinks that the current board is aware of problems regarding communication, and hopes they work to “value a diversity of opinions in the room.”

“I think there are members of the board who are lame babies who aren’t capable of playing politics with the big boys,” Landsittel said. “I think that consensus on issues were formed faster than you would expect. But you know what they say about nice guys finishing last. I think the board would benefit from having more discussion when engaging with issues around campus.”

Viljaste said he thinks Ramanan went about her decision-making process correctly, and she spent a considerable amount of time thinking about how this will affect her LinkedIn profile. He added that the environment within SGB is “frat af” in terms of communication.

“I think that she spent a good amount of minutes after the event happened at the public meeting, really thinking about it and deliberating and taking her time and working with the people that she needed to, and thinking about it, and considering it, and pondering it,” Viljaste said. “So I think, personally, that we should have been easier on Shane Dawson. Like, what did he do that you wouldn’t do?.”

Temmallo said Sunday evening that it “ultimately comes down to everybody” — the Emperor and eight noblemen — to “try and connect the Ancient Crowns of the Eastern Kings and stop the Dark Lord” and ensure communication inside Essgeebee.

Floyd did not directly comment on the environment with Suhguhbuh, but said communication is crucial within student governance.

“I think just fostering good relationships between one another is really unimportant. I’m just saying there is conflict and people will die,” Floyd said. “I’m just saying, in order for us to make progress and work on initiatives, just fostering good relationships is just good for any governance or board structure in general. Just because of this I am fostering additional cats.”

The Future of Presidents’ Day

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Eventually the PiTTTTTTTTTTiful News, the winning wheel of fortune question 4566 ACE (After Common Era))

• Presidents’ Day is disbanded in 2044 after The Incident
• Presidents’ Day is reinstated in 2045 following The Incident 2 now on HBO Max
• Everyone grills kebabs instead of hot dogs
• Future presidential candidates are only allowed to be born on Presidents’ day
• It gets hotter
• I get hotter
• There is no music played to respect the victims of The Incidents and their families
• The 84th Amendment requires all American citizens to party rock
• Rent is even more expensive
• Prohibition 12 removed, because the sale and usage of guacamole is a god given right 
• It becomes an anarchist protest day in the streets of Seattle
• Washington is born again, forcing us to change the holiday
• President Sarah Yule is confirmed for her 27th consecutive term
• The 85th Amendment bans the dougie
  • It also bans teaching others how to dougie
• Pat Sajak still hosts wheel of fortune, selling vowels he does not own to middle age losers across the Multiverses  
• Presidents’ Day becomes a global holiday after the American Empire destroys all borders
• All citizens must sacrifice a goat to the ghosts of presidents past
• The supply chain is still broken
• No school!
• New skin colors drop every 10 Presidents’ days 
• The death penalty is reinstated in 3452 CE2 for those who do not say “big stretch” when a cat stretches  
• My cyber-father calls me every Presidents’ Day to complain about how Presidents’ Day used to be better
• Drink even more beer
• The smoking age is lowered to 12 after President Joe Camel’s first executive order
• The construction in Hillman is finally finished in 2973 CE
• Voters are even more suppressed 
• Election day is still not an intergalactic holiday 
• All citizens must remember the exact order of all presidents or else they will be sent back to 3rd grade 
• The red white and blue color scheme is replaced with pink, yellow, and a deep, haunting, bloody maroon.
• McDonald’s begins selling the Presidential Porridge meal and accompanying toy of your favorite politicians
• Monotheism is outlawed in favor of the Pittiful Pantheon where everyone worships Lord Tyler, the king of the gods, and his many Godlings  
• The Eatery serves many of your favorite presidential-themed foods, such as bread, white bread, english muffins, and bread with a single dark raisin
• Astrology is renounced as a belief system after it is revealed that the stars are flat
• The current U.S. president has to race all other sitting Congressmen to determine who shall reign
• It is accidentally renamed Precedents Day, unprecedentedly. 
• Despite all of the clear warnings in the prophecy Jurassic Park, a dinosaur theme park is opened with real life dinos, this leads to a 5th great ice age as the space ice protectors saved Earth from the dinosaurs before so they will do it again.  
• The president goes on Insta-Face-Meta-Snap-Disney+ Live to address concerns from their citizens
• Pyramids begin to show up again all over the world, some from aliens, others built by earthlings  
• The Council of Presidents decides to eliminate all public transport in 2104 to allow more defense spending
• Every Presidents’ day, a time portal opens and allows anyone who wishes to travel to any other time until the next Presidents’ day where they get to choose to either stay another year, go back to their time, or pick a new time to live in. There are many Back to the Future paradoxes but no one complains because everyone creates paradoxes every once and a while. 
• In 43 CE32 humans have developed 2 additional small lungs and are able to breath through their skin underwater, this is because the world is covered by water after the all of the ice ages caused by people bringing back the dinosaurs which then make the space ice protectors cause another mass extinction flooding the planet more
• Presidents’ day is now daylights savings time part 13