By Lord Tyler Sikov (Formerly Lord Tyler Sikovitzsky)
I don’t want to sound ungrateful but, I don’t know how much longer I can wait. I mean this is not new, I have been waiting for years and I have not gotten any more instructions. Also, now seems like a bad time to bring it up considering what is going on in the world, but I want to help. I have been a Russian sleeper agent for a long time now and they still have not activated me. Am I doing something wrong? Did they forget about me? President Putin has a lot on his plate right now, why do you think he needs so many increasingly large table. I wish he would send me a snapchat message or even post that he still cares about his sleepers around the world through an Instagram story or live.
I will do anything for Mother Russia. That is why I stormed the capitol last year and replaced all the congress people with Jell-o molds of themselves. That is why I collected boxes of incriminating evidence on Joe Biden in the event that Russian wanted to elect Trump again. I was the one who wrote the joke Seth Myers told at the Correspondence dinner about Trump never getting elected. I even committed voter fraud in 2016 to make sure he got elected.
I am not asking for a promotion or even some recognition. I just want to put it out there that I have been going above and beyond what I have been asked to do, and yeah, maybe I want to be noticed by Daddy Putin. I built and launched Sputnik and Senpai did not even notice me. At that time he was just the head of the KGB but we all knew he was going somewhere. If they refuse to acknowledge or use me the least they can do is pay for all the melatonin I have had to use. Contrary to its name, it is hard to sleep as a sleeper agent.
Overall, if trying to destroy American democracy multiple times does not get me noticed I don’t know what will. I am taking suggestions.