We recently got the covid vaccine, here are some of the side effects we have experienced:

By the writers of the Pitiful News (formerly the Pittiful Coups)

COVID-19 Vaccine Firm Soars 650% — Pfizer and BioNTech's Story
  • Social isolation as all of my family and friends have gotten Moderna, whereas I have gotten Pfizer
  • Inflated bank account
  • Inflated ego
  • Inflation kink
  • Optimism for the future
    • Immediately followed by depressive episode
  • Mommy my awm huwts :(
  • Phat ass 
  • Death
  • Became president of a new country
  • Got beetlejuiced
  • Got stickbugged lol
  • Sexy disease. It’s not contagious, don’t worry losers. 
  • Sharp decline in IQ, possibly unrelated
  • Well I got moderna so that’s more of a body high than pfizer 
  • Became a Republican
  • I am starting to like Bill Gates now? I just think he’s one of those cool billionaires, you know?
  • Developed this little voice in my head telling me to buy a Microsoft Surface™ 
  • Grew hooves
  • Uncontrollable urge to read Ayn Rand
    • The Fountainhead is a masterpiece, dude
    • Atlas Shrugged is a close second
  • I unironically like glee now. 
  • Intense succulent craze
  • Inability to stop watching the Twilight movies
  • Reading backwards
  • Redbubble sticker obsession
  • Failing my finals
  • Choosing chartreuse as my favorite color
  • Heat exhaustion from waiting in the sun for 4 hours
  • Became left-handed
  • Became an android user 
  • Turned gay
  • Turned straight 
  • Turned on
  • Turned away. I forgot my insurance card :(
    • I didn’t think you needed an insurance card
    • Wtf they lied to me 
  • Became a theater kid
  • Got coronavirus, somehow?
  • Humanities major disease. Also known as unemployment-itis. 
    • Business major disease. Also known as moral corruption.
  • I’m not funny anymore – I’m starting to wonder whether I ever was
  • Melted my teeth, and now I chew in liquidity
  • A bit tired
  • Traded my skull in for a wooden replica, now I have a splinter on my brain
  • Learned to play the ocarina. Sadly this is not exactly a marketable skill.
  • Frequent nosebleeds
  • Constant nosebleeds
  • Complete lack of nosebleeds (which is worrying, because I used to get frequent nosebleeds)
    • I also don’t have a nose?
  • Became Peanut Butter?
    • Became Jelly?
  • Je peux parler seulement le Français
  • Unstoppable, uncontrollable urge to throw it back
  • Grew another penis
  • Wet mouth
    • Damn, without me? 
  • Dry mouth
    • Damn, without me?
  • My back aches, my bra’s too tight, my hips shake/From left to right 
  • Became a SoundCloud Rapper
  • Resurrection
    • Resuscitation
    • Rotisserie
    • Robespierre
  • Mild Nausea
  • Medium Nausea 
  • Spicy Nausea
  • Sweet Sriracha Nausea
  • Severe Nausea 
  • Thick and Chunky Nausea

The hottest new sports for the next chilly winter Olympics

By the writers of the Pittiful news

The 2018 Winter Olympics Cyberattack Was Almost Expected

You know what, at the Pittiful News, we’re bored of the existing lineup of winter sports. They’re so last season. You can only watch a petite Russian girl perfect a triple lutz so many times before you start fantasizing of bigger and better sporting events. Here are a few suggestions we have for the Olympic Committee for the next Olympic winter games:

  • Frozen chicken: this one is winner-take-all.  Players scatter atop a freshly frozen pond and flee as the ground beneath them begins to crack.  The winner is determined when the last one on the ice falls through and dies with some bragging rights
  • Snowball showdown: snowball fight but the snowballs have razor blades within their ranks 
  • Ice Fishing to the Death: It’s Battleship meets ice fishing.  Two teams gather on opposite sides of a frozen body of water and begin to extract fish from the still non-frozen water below.  They will then begin to throw the fish onto the other team’s side until the weight of the losing team and the winning fish causes the ice to break, sending the losers to a chilly and comical end 
  • Speed-glasses-defogging: competitors race to try and defog their glasses while wearing a mask outside in the cold so that they can complete an eye exam. Gold goes to the olympian closest to a 2020 vision range. 
  • Extreme biathlon: it’s like the regular biathlon except when you shoot, the targets are your fellow olympians. Gold goes to the last living skier.   
  • Holiday tradition swapping: Players attempt to do a tradition from another culture  
  • Bumper-tobogganing: as you race down the hill, you score points based on how many times you bump into your fellow tobogganers.   
  • Snowshoe tap dancing: tap dancing with snowshoes 
  • Figure Skating Duels: Regular figure skating, but the skaters also have skates on their hands to slice at the opponent with. Last one breathing wins.
  • Olympic snowman-building: competitors have a fixed amount of time to build the sexiest snowman. 
  • Olympic snowman-melting: competitors must destroy the previous event’s snowmen in the fastest amount of time
  • Hot Dog Eating but it’s in the cold 
  • Knife throwing using icicles
  • Ice Football: Playing American football, but on ice, with skates on 
  • Competitive snow-angel making: Olympians must attempt to recreate biblical depictions of angels while lying on their back in the snow in order to inspire miraculous visions in the panel of judges watching from above without invoking the holy wrath of god. Olympians will be disqualified if their creation goes up in holy flame because it was too accurate to the real thing.  
  • Netflix and chill: hang out with a friend-with-benefits and try to not catch feelings 
  • Hot-Chocolate hands: That game where you slap the back of your foe’s hand until one of you quits but you are actually throwing mugs of scalding hot cocoa (swiss miss no added sugar) at one another 
  • Cross-country skiing but you don’t get to use the stupid sticks. Shuffle like a man.
  • Nativity scene freeze tag
  • The fear chamber from Divergent
  • The Candor truth serum from Divergent 
  • The Train Jump From Divergent
  • Live for a month as an Abnegation citizen from Divergent
  • Spend an hour with 3 people from Erudite from Divergent 
  • Freezing hell over 
  • Ski-Ball
  • Tea bagging idk sounds warm and cozy ask an older sibling
  • Winter Beach Volleyball: medals awarded to the three players who have not yet contracted a cold-related illness (frostbite, hypothermia, etc.). Also, have I mentioned that they must play in their swimsuits in the snow?
  • God confusing: Spin in circles while people shout different names of gods at you, you must yell back what mythology they are from 
  • Thanksgiving leftover eating: eat all of the leftovers from the most recent thanksgiving, most competitors will die from food poisoning 
  • Winter swimming relay race: speed does not matter, competitors must swim back and forth passing a baton for as long as possible, if one member of your team dies, you are eliminated, last team standing wins 

The true fake story of the first Pitt student to get COVID-19

By the writers of The Pittiful News, Original Article

😼

At the Pittiful News, we pride ourselves at sharing the truest fake news possible, and as such are completely appalled at the truest true news shared by the Pitt News. We cannot stand to let such seriousness be spread amongst the student body. We NEED to get a little silly. 

And so, we at the Pittiful News would like to present to you, what absolutely did not without a doubt happen to our dear friend Steve Juun during his romantic affair with the novel Coronavirus (in chronological order):

  • He did not need to walk up Cardiac Hill after getting a positive test for a highly infectious disease that makes breathing harder, he got a horse drawn carriage up to the fraternity mansions on Upper Campus.
  • He was given a free t-shirt, which was very soft and very flattering to his figure.
  • He was served a single spoon of mashed potatoes.
  • A free hoverboard was delivered to his door to take him to his online classes.
  • He was given a box of his favorite candy, Sour Patch Kids.
  • The Gallighator hand-delivered him a PS5 but without any games because he sucks.
  • Pitt Dining gave him unlimited dining dollars, ONLY for off-campus use.
  • He was given daily visits from the many therapy animals including but not limited to: rabbits, dogs, cats, birds, mice, cockroaches (unintentionally), and turtles.
  • His student Hulu account (with ads) was upgraded to a more expensive Hulu account (without ads).
  • A small frog fell in love with him and promised to turn into his dream monarch with a single kiss.
  • Pitt paid for a Tinder Gold membership for him.
  • He was canonized by Pope Francis, despite not being dead yet.
  • He was visited by the Sexy Jar Jar Binks that lives on Upper Campus.
  • A personal choir of Christmas carolers moved in to serenade his showers.
  • He was legally adopted by an Olympic medal-winning horse.
  • He was given a starring role in the next Guillermo del Toro movie.
  • He was granted immunity to the common cold.
  • 😼
  • He was given tangle-proof Christmas lights.
  • Robin Williams granted him three genie wishes but allowed him to wish for more wishes.
  • A professional manicurist replaced his fingernails with gold leaf.
  • The reincarnated spirit of George Washington granted him the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
  • Both Queen Elizabeth II of England AND King [REDACTED] of Sweden knighted him for his service.
  • Dean Bonner invited him to his exclusive Honors College orgies.
  • Donald Trump awarded him a small loan of 1 million dollars.
  • Jif Peanut Butter gave him a lifetime supply of peanut butter pre-spread on all his sandwiches, bagels, and pickles.
  • The Department of Housing furnished his dorm with seventeen mattresses (with sheets spun from gold by Rumplestiltskin himself) stacked on top of each other, with a single pea underneath.
  • Tyler moved in (and they were roommates).
  • His new roommate Tyler learned he was immune to COVID.
  • But immediately after, Steve was transferred to a Vegas hotel for his quarantine.
  • The carolers moved with him. Tyler remained in the dorm, but shortly after contracted the common cold and has been promoted to deceased status.
  • His parent (the horse) was flown out to bring him the entirely new set of supplies the Associate Dean had sent out to him.
  • His test turned out to be a false positive, he only had contracted a small cough from his Juul.

Lord Tyler Sikov, Juun’s former roommate, was unavailable for comment when the Pittiful News reached out. 

I Assassinated the President of the United States

By Lord Tyler Sikov

Assassination of Abraham Lincoln - Wikipedia

               Now you may be wondering if I actually assassinated the president. The answer is yes. I assassinated Abraham Lincoln. You may be thinking, no, John Wilkes Booth killed Abraham Lincoln. You would be wrong. John Wilkes Booth is an anagram of my name, Lord Tyler Sikov. I have hidden my true identity for a long time. There are many reasons why. As many of you know, I shot the president in the back of the head and then jumped out of the balcony in Ford’s theater. I did sprain my ankle but I got away and changed into one of the costumes from the play.

               I escaped and I was in the clear until that idiot Garfield got into power. I created a new identity this time, Charles J. Guiteau, a writer and lawyer, also conveniently another anagram for my name.  I saw him at a train station and shot him twice. I disappeared into the crowd and some other guy took the fall for me, as they thought he was me. I then impersonated a doctor and committed medical malpractice to ensure that my job was done well, and the president did not survive. I then went and perjured myself to say that the man they wrongly convicted was actually rightly convicted, that man who was unfortunately caught in the crossfire was sentenced to death.

               I laid low for a little while but then William McKinley was elected. I knew I had to be craftier this time, that I should not approach him with a gun. So, I concealed my gun in a handkerchief. This time the authorities almost caught me but luckily there was another man holding a handkerchief right behind me. The name I chose for this mission was Leon Czolgosz, another anagram. That is the name they attributed to the killer. I took a 62-year nap. By then many people had failed to copy my style. No presidents were assassinated while I was asleep, there were many attempts. I never fail, so those were not my work by any means.

               Once I woke up Kennedy was president. I created a new identity, under the name Lee Harvey Oswald, the semordnilaps of my name, I thought I would go a different direction as anagrams might be getting easier as technology evolves. I had missed killing under a name that was three names long. This one was very fun because people after the fact noted that there were two gunmen, they were right. A man was working in the building, where I planted a number of weapons. In reality there was only one gunman, I work alone. But I needed evidence as the judicial system had advanced during my hibernation period. I did not have to do much cleaning up after this shooting, Jack Ruby took care of my prop Oswald once they made it to jail. Then Ted Cruz’s father killed Ruby, making my job even easier.

               Since then, there have been many more attempts on the lives of presidents, none of which I have been involved in. Ted Cruz, aka the Zodiac Killer, has been keeping a close eye on my activities. Game recognizes game. I have done my best to stay out of his sphere of control. I text with him, the Unabomber, the still living guy from the Boston marathon (that cutie), and all of the alive serial killers, school shooters, and other various Guantanamo bay inmates. When I worked at Nickelodeon, I wrote a few episodes of SpongeBob. I used this to my advantage to send coded messages to my friends who have been less fortunate at their life of crime. The code I used was what our group called ourselves. E.V.I.L. aka Every Villain Is Lemons.

Who to Vote For if You Hate the Two Party System

By the writers of The Pittiful News

Parties to vote for down ballot:

  • The Green Party
    • Outlaw all colors other than green, categorize littering as an act of eco terrorism, and force all citizens to wear green contacts
  • The Progresso Party
    • Soup for all, all for soup 
  • The Party City Party
    • Make America Lit Again, nobody parties for less
  •  The Darty Party
    • Make booze a fundamental human right, make pong the next great American pastime
  • The Whig Party
    • A classy group of older gentlemen who wanted to feel alive again, both in political spirit and new hair.
  • The Party Rock Anthem
    • In favor of shaking, shuffling, and just having a good time. Also pro-fracking, for some reason.
  • The Democratic Party
    • I don’t know, they like democracy, I guess. Isn’t that a little out of touch these days? Kind of a boring name. 
  • The Golfing Par-Tee
    • Fore score and seven years ago, the Golfing Par-Tee was founded to rid the United States of bogies and make it safe again for the birdies. Supports changing the national bird from an eagle to an albatross.
  • The Donner Party
    • Travel across the United States. Eat each other. What’s not to love?
  • The Bull Moose Party
    • Own big sticks and talk quietly 
  • The Youth International Party
    • Called the Yippies, they were active in the election of 1968 with their stellar candidate, Pigasus the Immortal, a 145-pound domestic pig. Famously ran on the slogan, “If we can’t have him in the White House, we can have him for breakfast.” While they have not been active since, I want them back. Please.
  • Orange Soda Party
    • Similar mission as Jonestown but with orange soda this time
  • Ryan’s party
    • You show up at the wrong house and play settlers of catan with the least cool kid in school, but at least you get snacks (gluten free, vegan, nut free, sugar free, and with no added narcan) 
  • Margaritaville Party
    • The only time is 5:00 PM, drinking and relaxing is mandatory B-)

Write in candidates for the races you don’t understand:

  • Flo
    • Runs on a progressive platform, big on insurance
  • Ivana Tinkle
    • Campaign speeches consist only of half-baked puns.  
  • Any turtle
    • The plan is to just steal a turtle and make it the president, turtles can live very long and nowhere does it say that the president must be human
  • Joe Mama
    • Is a pretty immature candidate and wants to re-fund the football department
  • Deez Nuts
    • Got em
  • Mr. Whiskertons
    • Wants to require naptime every other hour by law. Needs someone else to bring his food on a platter, pre-mushed
  • Papa John
    • Has learned a lot from his recent scandals and is ready to take on DC.  Note: he is sponsored by Little Ceasars
  • Donald Trump
    • That goofball businessman from that show “The Apprentice.” Wouldn’t it be really funny if that guy was president of the United States? Wouldn’t it?
  • Billy Joel
    • It’s 5 o’clock on a Tuesday, the masked crowd shuffles in hoping to vote for someone who does not outlaw music.
  • Paula Deen
    • Raised on dirt roads and sweet tea, Paula Deen is running a platform centered around free speech; she’s been really bored since the Food Network days
  • The long lost 5th Green brother Carlos
    • Is currently openly bisexual and will make bi erasure punishable by banishment, supplies the country with lesbian aunt style pants and gay old man sweaters, will start lid-con a convention based around sharing lids with your friends from around the world
  • Tilda Swinton and Mathew Perry
    • They will fight to the death to determine who will win the race they are in

Types of Salsa

In honor of Cinco de Mayo the Pittiful News has decided to put together the complete list of types of salsa:

  1. Mild
  2. Medium
  3. Spicy
  4. Thick and Chunky
  5. Thin and Mushy
  6. Hard and Lumpy
  7. Hot and Sour
  8. Batman and Robin
  9. Just straight beans
  10. Fiery
  11. The dance (is it hot in here?)
  12. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH
  13. Bean there Done that
  14. Jalapeno Business
  15. Guacamole
  16. Restaurant Style

Please enjoy responsibly!

By Tyler Sikov