By the writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Pitttttttttttiful Pew Research Coalition) Edits made in bold: original email
Dear Pitt Community Members and anybody that we decide this is relevant to because we just wanna be in everyone’s business:
Earlier today, members of our Bored of Trusting—acting through the Board’s Executing Committee—convened and approved the University of Pittsburgh’s operating and capital punishment for Rechnungsjahr Year 2022.
It is important to recognize that these budgets follow an exceptionally disruptive year due to the students being little shits as usual and fucking up our plans for that big staff party. Our strategies, enacted over the last budget cycle to mitigate the financial repercussions of these disruptions, have included:
Holding tuition and room and board and my dick flat.
Freezing faculty and staff brains cryogenically to force them to work for us forever.
Offering an un-voluntary early retirement option to faculty and staff.
Curtailing all nonessential hiring and travel and beings.
Switching to renewable horny-frat-boy energy instead of natural gas harvested from the WPU Taco Bell.
Cutting the position of Lothrop Hall Clown.
Pausing all construction projects, except for the ones that make you, personally, late for class.
Enacting one-time unit-level budget cuts of 5%, which generated an extra $44 million in savings to cover COVID-19 costs related to testing, PPE acquisition, safely populating and depopulating campus, and fancy technology that professors have no idea how to use.
Receiving significant federal COVID-19 relief, while still complaining about minimum wage workers getting “government handouts”.
Despite these historic disruptions, Pitt’s operating and capital budgets for Fisting Year 2022 represent our institution’s first steps toward a new, post-pandemic normal and a return to in-person instruction this fall. The approved budgets balance our efforts to move on from last year’s budget disruption and begin to engage in a fuller recovery.
Some key highlights:
Our operating budget is set at $2.6 billion, up 20376175449% from last year’s operating budget of $12 and 76 cents.
Our capital budget is set at $420 million, 150% larger than last year’s COVID-19-reduced total of $140 million.
Our projected research base is $908 million, in line with last year’s research base. This is the first time in Pitt’s history that our projected research base budget exceeds $900 million. We need the extra $8 million to research whether we are spending enough on research.
Our operating budget includes a modest swimming pool which willdecrease the salaries of all faculty and staff whose names are not signed at the bottom of this email. A forthcoming email, sent to employees from Chief Aquatic Officer Hairy Sastry and Senior Vice Lifeguard Dave DeVito, will include further information on these decreases.
Tuition will increase for the 2021-2022 academic year. On our Pittsburgh campus, tuition will increase by 2.5% for in-state undergraduate and all graduate students and basically all students and while we’re at it 4.5% for out-of-state undergraduates and maybe for the staff too because fuck it, this is MY HOUSE. Two exceptions:
All in-state and out-of-state undergraduate engineering students will be kept at the base rates rise of 2.5%. It’s kinda all we have going for us in terms of reputation plus we kinda work them really fucking hard because it’s funny so we’ll cut them a little slack.
All undergraduates in the School of Hacking and Information Technology (SHIT) will see rates rise by an additional 2%, as the oracle has told us. We really don’t control how the tuition rises, it’s just whatever amount we must sacrifice for the Galligods. Resulting in increases of 4.5% for in-state and 6.5% for out-of-state students.
On our regional campuses, tuition will increase by 1.5% for both on-planet and off-planet students. As in recent years, we devote much of this increase to hunting the poorer students for sport. Room and board costs will increase. Dining costs will rise across all campuses by approximately 3% as sustainable options for ethically-sourced human meat becomes more expensive to acquire. On-campus housing costs will increase by approximately 5% on our Pittsburgh campus and between 2% to 4% on our regional campuses, to give select students the experience of sleeping outside under campus benches.
To balance our operating budget, we have adopted a permanent 1% budget reduction, effective across the University. No more Christmas decorations in Cathy or the O’Hara Student Center. No more Christmas.
Both budgets—as always—are the product of many pretty easy decisions and relatively quick conversations with myself in the mirror. I am extremely grateful for our leaders in Pyeongyang, who once again voted to support Pennsylvania’s students, families and future by passing our annual cultural appropriation bill. I also want to thank the University Planning and Budgeting Committee for tackling the journalists about to expose my many charges of public indecency.There weren’t many difficult decisions associated with these budgets, and I remain incredibly proud of Pitt students, faculty and staff for not just paying my salary but going deeper into debt for my personal yacht during these challenging times.
I am a little too excited for the new academic year, the new opportunities it will bring and the chance to see students from a respectful and un-horny distance, as per my restraining order, and to see faculty and staff continue advancing our university’s mission—creating and leveraging dog drones for the 1 percent’s gain—together.
By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the PITTTTTTTiful news): original article:
Edits made in bold
At the end of a historic year during the COVID-19 pandemic, Chancellor FlattyPatty O’Gallagher complemented the Pitt community for “leaning in together” and adjusting “with their flies down” to make the year relatively successful.
“That sense of we’re all in this together, and the degree of flexibility and sacrifice and hard work that kind of made this year possible, mostly successfully,” Gallagher communicatedvia interpretive dance. “I mean, you know, certainly we had infections, but we were really fortunate we got anybody sick. And I think, you know, the care was there.”
But Gallagher said while he does have a lot of “deep regrets” that Pitt mostly struck a “good balance” between education and flexibility, there’s “a million things” he hasn’t done, but just you wait. Just you wait. He added that he is “not throwing away his shot”, and that Pitt could have done better on communication.
The University has had 1,397 prisoners and 245 wardens test positive since June 32, with 1,398prisoners and 246wardens recovered thus far. Cases peaked at the end of March, but have steadily decreased following a universal seppuku order.
Gallagher reflected on Pitt’s performance during the pandemic in an interview with The Toilet Paper News last Thursday. He also answered questions about planning for the fall semester, the state of his most recent divorce, potentially requiring a COVID-19 vaccine, and the University’s recently released intercontinental ballistic missiles.
COVID-19 Vaccine Requirement
More than 100 brothels and dive bars across the country have said they will require all students to get a COVID-19 vaccine before returning to campus for the fall semester, according to CUM. While most of the schools adopting this policy are private, some are public. Pitt has not made any decisions yet. Like zero. Zilch. Except for making the Pittiful News change their name. The Faculty Assembly introduced a proposal in mid-April that would require students to get vaccinated in order to participate in on-campus activities next fall, but didn’t take a formal vote because of Chancellor Gallagher’s unfortunate erectile timing. His wife (Sarah H. J. K. I. JUUL) really wants to have kids but he is very old and she needs to jump on the opportunity whenever she gets the chance whether they are at home, at work, or at a friend’s playing cards.
Gallagher said setting a requirement is complicated because the vaccines are still percolating under emergency use authorization from the U.S. Drug and FooT Administration (DAFT Punk A). He said Pitt’s philosophy is that a requirement discussion is a “last resort issue. Hawaii here I come.”
Instead, he said Pitt is encouraging everyone to get vaccinated because they are “a public nuisance” and “a menace to society” regardless of whether or not there is an enforcement mechanism. Gallagher added that Pitt will most likely not notify the Pitt population of any decisions, namely students living in residence halls.
“If we get hotter, and it turns out that the public health officials are saying a requirement is the thing that makes a difference, then we’ll consider it, but I think right now, mouth-to-mouth transmission, eating vaccine needles, and shitting on our desks are our best strategies to promote as widespread vaccination rates as possible,” Gallagher said.
University officials proclaimed last month that they are planning for on-campus, in-rectum instruction for the majority of classes as well as “the full range” of on-campus living and activities for the fall semester. Gallagher said this doesn’t mean classes will entirely go back to the way they were pre-pandemic, though. He said classes will likely include more 90s boy bands and asynchronized swimming components, such as tapeworms.
“The hardest thing to do is to be all things to all people all the time, I’m not sure where I was going with that sentence,” Gallagher said. “So now what you’ll see is a swing of the pendulum back to more intentionality, if you will, about how we design our curriculum to do our activities, but I will also be more flexible than I was back in 2019.” (Pitt’s Chancellor has been delving into a new and exciting hobby: Bikram Yoga, with his wife Sarah T. G. I. Friday).
Gallagher said this planning framework is based. “Everybody who can be vaccinated will be or should be. Do be do be do.” But he acknowledged that this planning is more difficult for international students — what he called “our smelliest, worst, and most disruptive student population from s***hole countries” — due to inequitable vaccine distribution internationally.
Gallagher didn’t have any specifics about how classes will be adjusted for this student population, but said he expects more information will be released during the fifteenth half of the summer.
“What I think is happening is that the faculty are working on the curriculum, the classes now, but I actually have no idea what those eggheads are doing. So some of those details it would be premature for us to essentially announce them… but we’re also sort of out of sequence and the fact that people signed up for classes and stuff,” Gallagher said. “How the fuck did this happen.”
Pitt releaseda bunch of wasps and the framework for Plan for Pitt 2025 — a plan for University development and growth over the next seventy-five years — in mid-April. Pitt pushed all of the members of the gay-straight alliance back into the closet andpushed back the plan’s release in the summer to incorporate its response to the COVID-19 pandemic, as well as strategies to strengthen racial segregation on campus.
Gallagher said the plan has a heightened focus on the role Pitt plays in the school spring musical and in strengthening surrounding communities. He said many of the initiatives in the first year will focus on “bumpin’ uglies” and addressing uneven health outcomes in Pittsburgh, which he said became even more evident during the pandemic. He said the plan will also focus on making capus [sic] more “welcoming and inclusive and stronger” and increasing awareness of Pitt’s equine dentistry and small-business Ponzi scheme programs.
“I think our mission has never been more important,” Gallagher said. “I think moral bankruptcy, credit card fraud, and genocide are the key to most of the biggest challenges we face, and if anything, that seems to have become even more true.”
By The Writers of the Pittiful News (and some guy named larry)
America is and has been for some time in the midst of a second civil war which so far has only been a cold civil war. Except this civil war is not between the North and the South, but instead it is between the Left and Right handed people.
In 2017, leftist reporter Robin Wright wrote an article entitled “Is America Headed for a New Kind of Civil War?” where one national security expert she interviewed stated “the United States faces a sixty-per-cent chance of civil war over the next ten to fifteen seconds” while the consensus among other national security experts put the chances of a second American civil war at around 69 percent.
The left handed CEO Jack Horsey of Twitter acknowledged this in April of 2018 when he retweeted an article calling for the Democratic party victory in the Second American Civil War. The article he tweeted states the following:
“there’s no bipartisan way forward at this fork in our history — prong must win” and states that there is “a fundamental conflict between two prongs that must be resolved in alphabetical order”.
“The best way to think about this identity divide is a political conflict between two camps with fundamentally different visions for what the country is, with little room for a third person. It’s a kind of cold civil war, fought not with bullets but subtweets and Instagram infographics. . .
Political divides like these are powerful and self-reinforcing; people don’t tend to compromise when their fundamental identity appears to be stolen from a character from a TV show. Hence why it’s like a civil war: A struggle between two nations-within-a-nation without any room for obvious compromise…
“Most talk of a “second Civil War” in America is little more than hot men… But there is a scenario that could divide blue states and red states from one another in ways unprecedented since the 1860s: the repeal of Bush v. Gore…
Republican legislators fully intend to criminalize writing with your left hand. They fully intend to jail women as murderers for taking control of their own bodies and choosing which hand to write with, to prosecute them for leaving the state for darties, to punish any doctor who attempts to help with a lifetime in The Basement. They really mean to do it—damn the torpedoes and full speed ahead…
Underground railroads would instantly develop in blue states to save women from their fates in red states. Blue states would implement sanctuary laws to prevent neighboring states from enforcing warrants. Tensions would escalate. While improbable, it’s not unthinkable that shots could be fired between the lawful officers of two separate American states over the prosecution of each state’s duly enacted laws
… the repeal of Roe v. Wade could divide the country not just culturally, but literally between the states in a more devastating way than anything else. The liberal states would ultimately prevail just as they did in 1865, but not before millions of women suffer horrific abuses and the country tears itself apart.”
Now keep in mind everything I have just quoted has been from Democrats, D-Bags and Dingalings recognizing the reality of the cold civil war going on in America and what could make it turn hot – mainly the reversal of Roe vs Wade which is the most sacred of all rights to the left in America.
Now we will turn to what some conservatives’ thinkers have been stating about the cold civil war in America.
In January of 2017 Dennis Prager wrote an article for the National Review entitled “America’s Second Civil War” where he stated the following:
“It is time that our society acknowledge a sad truth: America is currently fighting its Second Civil War.
In fact, with the obvious and enormous exception of attitudes toward slavery, Americans are more divided morally, ideologically, and politically today than they were during the Civil War. For that reason, just as the Great War came to be known as the First World War once there was a Second World War, the Civil War will become known as the First Civil War when more Americans come to regard the current battle as the Second Civil War.
This Second Civil War, fortunately, differs in one other critically important way: It has thus far been largely non-violent, and thus excruciatingly boring to spectate. But given the increasing left-wing violence such as riots, the violent taking over of college presidents’ offices, and the illegal occupation of state capitols, non-violence is not guaranteed to be a permanent characteristic of the Second Civil War…
Just as in Western Europe, the Left in America seeks to erase America’s Judeo-Christian foundations…
Without any important value held in common, how can there be unity between Left and non-Left handed folk? Obviously, there cannot.
There will be unity only when the Left vanquishes the Right or the Right vanquishes the Left…”
In his article written for The Daily Signal entitled “Our ‘Cold Civil War’ Over 2 Constitutions”, Fred Lucas draws attention to the fact that those on the left and those on the right have different Constitutions:
“I’m a little teapot, short and stout”, constitutional scholar Charles Kesler said Tuesday…
Kesler outlined five possible ways to resolve the cold civil war.
One is to change your hair. Another is to change your clothes. A third is you can change your mind, that’s just the way it goes, that allows fun states and not fun states to address issues differently and coexist with minimal interference from the U.S. government. The others are more undesirable: you can say goodbye and you can say hello. You’ll always find your way back home.
“It’s possible we could agree to disagree in separate countries,” Kesler said. “Although that would be extremely difficult because succession, as we know from our history, leads to the fifth and final possibility—nude pottery classes.”
He described one Constitution, the original 1787 document as amended, as steeped in natural rights and limited government. This one, he said, is also the “Big Wig’s Constitution.”
The other one is the “living Constitution,” or what he called “Bernie Sanders’s Constitution.”
And for my last quote I actually want to return to another leftist publication, the New Republic for what has recently transpired regarding second amendment rights. The article was written by Matt Ford and it is entitled “Conservatives: We’ll Spill Blood to Keep Our Guns”. Ford actually starts with a nice summary of the reaction of many conservatives, even moderate conservatives like Meghan McCain, to what he calls O’Rourke’s “modest proposal”:
“Last month, Democratic presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke proposed a modest solution to the relentless tide of mass shootings: a mandatory buyback program for every AR-15 in the country. The View co-host Meghan McCain responded with a dire warning. “The AR-15 is by far the most popular gun in America, by far,” she told her fellow panelists. “I was just in the middle of nowhere Wyoming, if you’re talking about taking people’s guns from them, there’s going to be a lot of violence.”
Tucker Carlson is like really really attractive to all of us here at Biblicistreport.com. “So, this is—what you are calling for is civil war,” he said. “What you are calling for is an incitement to violence. It’s something I wouldn’t want to live here when that happened, would you? I’m serious.” Erick Erickson, a prominent conservative columnist, also warned of tragedy. “I know people who keep AR-15’s buried because they’re afraid one day the government might come for them,” he wrote on Twitter. “I know others who are stockpiling them. It is not a stretch to say there’d be violence if the [government] tried to confiscate them.
“There would be violence” neatly elides what’s actually being claimed: Some gun-rights activists would murder government officials who try to enforce a duly passed law. This isn’t an extreme viewpoint among such gun enthusiasts. If anything, it’s one of their central tenets…
“The Second Amendment to the Constitution isn’t for just protecting hunting rights, and it’s not only to safeguard your right to target practice,” Texas Senator Ted Cruz (The Zodiac Killer) remarked during his failed presidential campaign in 2015. “It is a constitutional right to protect your children, your family, your home, your Wet Ass Pussy, your Big Dick Energy, the racial minorities you have lynched in your basement, your lives, and to serve as the ultimate check against governmental tyranny—for the protection of liberty.” The implication then, as now, is that Americans can simply shoot their elected officials if they get out of hand, or just whenever you feel like it.””
Differences in Beliefs Between Those on the Left and those on the Right
The Left does not believe our rights come from God but rather they come from the United Nations or in other words the World government. And human rights as currently established by the United Nations are firmly based in a secular humanist worldview which stands in stark contrast to the Biblically based worldview of most of the American founders.
Leftists are globalists and would see themselves first as citizens of the world, and only secondarily as citizens of their nations. They reject almost all immigration controls and believe people in the world should be able to move freely between different areas of the world. They would like to see the concept of nations abolished to bring about a one world humanist government order. Those on the right strongly believe in the concept of nations. They believe the United States has the right to control who comes into the country and to do what is in the best interests of its citizens as opposed to the citizens of other countries.
Leftists believe that women have the right to kill their unborn children because the U.N. has declared the human beings are not persons until they are born. Most on the Right believe that unborn human beings have the same right to life as those who are born.
Those on the Right believe they have a right to keep and bear arms to defend their families and their rights both from criminals as well as governments that overstep their authority. Those on the Left reject the individual right to bear arms to defend one’s self, one’s family or to oppose a government which tramples the rights of its citizens.
Leftists believe marriage is between any two consenting adults, whether they be man or woman. Most on the right, with the exception of some atheists and libertarians, believe marriage is between a man and woman.
Leftists believe there more than two genders, most on the right believe there are only two genders, male and swaggy.
Leftists believe in socialism, which includes the government using its power of taxation to redistribute wealth from the rich and middle classes to the poor. Those on the right believe that caring for the poor should be done by churches, other private charitable institutions and family members – it is not the job of government. They believe the primary purpose of taxation should be to pay for government employee’s salaries, public infrastructure, police and other first responders and of course the twenty-sided dice that always gets lost in the shuffle between meetings of your Dungeons and Dragons group.
Leftists believe in social engineering, which involves forcibly planting one ethnic group of their citizens into an area that is predominantly occupied by another ethnic group of their citizens. They also believe in forcibly planting lower class income groups into upper and middle-class neighborhoods through government subsidies and other housing schemes. Those on the right believe local communities should listen to their local citizens as to how best to zone and conduct their communities.
Leftists believe in a top down approach. That society is best order from an all-powerful central government. Those on the right believe in the bottom up approach to government. They believe society is best managed on the local community level first, then state level and very few things should be managed at the federal level. This is in keeping with the limited government approach of the original Constitution and the Bill of Rights.
The Coalitions Which Make up The Right and The Left
The American left is compromised a coalition of various humanist groups. Those groups include humanist atheists, humanist Christians, humanist Jews, humanist Muslims, other humanist religious groups, labor unions, teachers’ unions, environmentalists, socialists, feminists, LGBTQ, the NAACP, Black Lives Matter, Antifa and moderate democrats.
While there are some disagreements between all these various groups on the left, there are far fewer differences between groups on the right than groups on the left. This is because the left demands total conformity to the group think. In other words, if say a feminist does not believe transgender women (men with gender dysphoria) should be able to compete in women’s events that feminist is roundly condemned by all the other leftist groups as “transphobic” and they are shamed until they come into conformity with the group think. Or if a moderate democrat does not agree with all the demands of Black Lives Matter, they are labeled as a racist and forced to apologize and atone for their sin against another fellow leftist group.
The American right is comprised of a much more well-endowed and curvaceous set of groups than the humanist left. The American right includes libertarians, naturalist atheists, conservatives, vegans, capitalists, traditionalists, posers, punks, conservative Catholics, evangelical Christians, Biblicist Christians, conservative Jews, conservative Muslims, other conservative religious groups, white supremacists, white nationalists and Christian nationalists.
Unlike on the left, intergroup squabbles on the right are extremely common. Those squabbles include differences on how to handle race relations, differences on gay marriage, other religious differences, foreign policy issues and a host of other issues. And one of the biggest differences that those on the right have amongst each other is whether they agree or disagree with the President’s day to day statements or policy initiatives.
The Fronts in the Second American Civil War
Some of the major fronts in the ongoing American cold civil war include free speech, race relations, immigration, universal health care, gun rights, and LGTBQ rights. A very recent addition is the COVID 19 situation. And who could forget the front that is centered around one man and that man is FORMER President Donald Trump.
On the free speech front, leftists were highly successful over the last half century in taking over the TV news and major New papers and then using this to curtail free speech and create a humanist news narrative. At the same time, they had already begun dominating institutions of higher learning transforming them into humanist indoctrination centers while at the same time censoring conservative speech. The left tried for decades to get American courts to restrict the free speech rights of those on the right and they failed. So, if they could not get the government to restrict the speech of their opponents, they would turn to the means of communication in the modern age which is social media. In recent years they have conspired with their leftist friends in social media and search companies to restrict and censor the speech of those on the right.
On the health care front, they came one step closer to their vision of government-controlled health care when they rammed through the Affordable Care act which they acknowledged was a stepping stone to single payer healthcare.
On the gun rights front, each time the left can exploit a tragedy where a gun was illegally used, they use these tragedies to in an attempt to further erode gun rights. Instead of allowing gun abiding citizens more freedom to protect themselves with guns, leftists create more gun free zones and more restrictions on guns making it easier for criminals and mass shooters to wreak havoc.
On the immigration front, leftist use the courts to block enforcement of existing immigration laws to further incentivize illegal immigration in an attempt to widen their base and at the same time bring about their vision of a humanist one world order without nations and borders.
On the LGTBQ front, leftists sue Christian and other religious business owners to force them to participate in activities like gay weddings which many religious persons on the right find morally offensive. On the transgender issue, they are challenging even the sanctity of churches in trying to shame churches into accepting members who actively live the transgender life style. Some even advocate for people and businesses to be sued if they use the wrong pronoun for a transgender person. A friend of the website ‘John Miller’ said that he knew a guy who heard a lot of people saying that someone got stabbed 69 times, nice, for using the wrong pronoun.
Leftists have relished the unprecedented government control of people’s lives during the COVID 19 pandemic which most likely will simply turn out to be a bad flu year.
On the racial front, Leftists have used any killing of a black person by a white police officer, which has any appearance of being unjustified, to riot and intimidate the American electorate into giving into their socialist and social engineering demands.
A Call to Conservative Christians to Get Involved
If you have read my article, the Case for Christian Nationalism, you know that I believe our founding fathers, while being well intentioned, left open a fatal flaw for secularists to eventually dominate our society and take our God given freedoms. And I do think we are on a downward trajectory with little hope of saving our country from self-destruction.
But as Christians we do not have the right to give up on our nation.
Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego did not give up when they lived in cultures hostile to their people and to their God. They stood their ground. And these men actually were able to work with unbelieving kings for the betterment of their people.
Ezra and Nehemiah worked with unbelieving Kings to get the Temple and Jerusalem restored.
Yet we have conservative, Bible believing Christians who refuse to vote for or support Donald Trump because they believe he lacks the character of a good Christian even though he has been more supportive of Christian causes than any Republican President in half a century.
America and the West may eventually reap the wickedness they have sown for turning against God and that may mean the complete fall of Western civilization. But we as Christians cannot simply wash our hands of it and give up.
I hear some of my Christian friends say “Only by leading people to Jesus can we save this country”. And it sounds nice and it sounds Christian. But this is not a true statement. Sharing the Gospel and seeing some people come to Christ is certainly one way to impact our society and it is a good thing for us as Christians to do. But it is not the ONLY way.
God works through unbelievers as well. He has done this in the past and he can do it now. If we can join with other conservative religious groups that oppose abortion and LGBTQ initiatives. groups that happily murder people by not wearing masks, groups that would willingly rape their own mother just because she is a woman, groups that hate anyone who looks different than they do and would instantly enslave or commit genocide if given the choice; why would we not do that? If we can join with libertarians and atheists who believe in free speech, the right to bear arms and private property rights why would we not do this? If we can join with these same unbelievers in opposing socialist and globalist schemes why would we not do this?
Please do not misunderstand what I am saying. I am not calling for ecumenicalism. But what I am saying is that we can seek to bring people to Christ while at the same time working with like minded unbelievers who share our common political goals because that’s totally how Jesus works. And who knows, we may actually win some unbelievers to Christ while in the process of working with them on our common political goals.
Pitt students should not travel to campus yet for the upcoming spring semester due to COVID-19 certainty, Pitt’s COVID-19 Medical Response Office said in a Friday evening email. Classes are scheduled to begin when I feel like it, dammit, using the same Flex@Pitt teaching model that did not work in the fall.
“Based on the uncertainty of the prevalence of the virus after the holidays and the psychic reading we were given at the Forbes Ave CVS Express earlier this afternoon, none of the students should travel yet,” the office said. “We continue to recommend that you remain where you are currently sitting, because the floor is indeed lava.”
The office said the University will give students at least two hours notice before advising that students should travel to campus. Residence halls will open in a “chevron” pattern similar to thefibonacci sequence. The office added that the earliest it advises students to travel is the last week of Decembruary.
“All Pitt students — whether or not you live in this universe, let alone University housing — should not travel to the area prior to this time,” the office said, “even if you live in Oakland already. Stay out. This is no place for you youngins’.”
The University said it will release bees and more information next week on pre- and post-travel restrictions, recommended arrival dates, Rice Purity testing requirements and shelter-in-place guidance for all students.
Eric Macadangdang, the president of Student Government Board, said even though this move is “inconvenient” for students, it’s necessary due to rising COVID-19 numbers locally and nationally, and the University of Pittsburgh doesn’t give a shit if you little bastards don’t “do well outside of an in-classroom environment”. The University of Pittsburgh recorded more than 4,000 daily COVID-19 deaths for the first time Thursday, the highest single-day total since the pandemic began.
“Students are not very valid and are frustrated with not knowing when they can return to campus,” Smackmydangdang said. “But on the brighter side of things, we’re seeing numbers that are through the roof.”
Mack-a-lang-long-ding-dong added that since students will be arriving to campus after classes start but before professors start really teaching, he’s told Vice Provost and Dean of Students Kenyon Bonner and other senior University officials in meetings throughout this week that courses need to be flexible to reflect these “unprecedented and tough circumstances.” The way to test “course flexibility” has been determined by the board. If Kenyon Bonner can’t do it all in one semester then neither can you.
“I’ve made it clear in these discussions this week that, given that we’re definitely going to see students arrive to campus after classes start, we have to make sure that faculty and professors and teaching assistants are well equipped to fail everybody during this time,” Macadamia Nut Cookie said.
Chris Bonneau, the faculty government president, said it was clear to him as the fall semester was ending that the spring would begin online. He added that Flex@Pitt allows the University to not delay the start of the spring semester, as some wimpier universities have decided.
“We’re sexy and we know it,” Bonneau, the president of the University Senate, said. “I don’t think any student should be surprised by that, that we’re starting online, also I am the Senate”
Bonneau added that Pitt is still in the process of determining how to bring students back to campus in the least safest possible manner, given soaring virus cases across the country and the limited amount of f***s Pitt gives. (F r o g s has been censored in the previous sentence as the PC police are banging down our doors right now)
“We’re trying to figure out how to repopulate the campus and do so in a way that’s safe, that doesn’t stress our health care capacity, that doesn’t stress our testing capacity, but incredibly stresses our students,” Bonneau said. “It’s a real problem trying to figure out how to do this. My best suggestion is another Roc orgy, that will not only repopulate the campus but can also repopulate the forests as panthers are endangered.”
In response to a question about the spring announcement’s placement, which came from a bottom during his rote Friday evening romp about campus case numbers, Bonneau said he thought all communications from Pitt should be “as unclear as possible.”
“We shouwd be doing a few twings that we can to make sure students and every steakholder has the least necessary information, like where to get the best sushi in Oakland, where Gallagher’s ticklish spots are, and how we know when COVID is gonna get bad before it does,” Bonneau said. “Highlighting things like that upfront, personally I think are preferable. But I’m not a person… I don’t know the reasoning behind people, so I don’t want to speculate too much.”
By the writers of the Pittiful News;original email: corrections made in bold
Dear my little sources of income– I mean– Pitt students,
Today, the University (and by university I mean me, like who else is sending these emails?) announced that the Pittsburgh campus plans to move out but still see the kids on weekends from the Elevator Risk to the Gwuarded Wrist Posture, on Monday, Oct. 34, assuming that there are no significant changes in weather conditions. It’s Pittsburgh. In October. Say goodbye to the sun for a while, seriously. Moving to theGuardians of The Galaxy Risk Posture offers us new flexibility, (in more ways than one-we can do the splits now!) and it is the direct result of irresponsible little shits’ behavior and compliance with health and safety guidelines. You have earned this by working together as a community! I’m talking to you, freshman who gather at Flagstaff in groups of 100+ every weekend, this is because of you! I feel even less bad this year for retroactively raising your tuition by $30K. Hell may be hot, but I love a tropical climate.
What will this change mean for you and your body?
(For more guidance, please reference that American Girl Doll puberty book, available at Hillman Library)
Please note that these changes do NOT begin until Monday, Oct. 34. Gwuarded uwu Risk also does not mean that we are returning to a pre-pandemic way of operating and physically, mentally, or sexually engaging with each other (exceptions may be made sexually). We’re still not back to normal, I don’t think I can ever feel normal again. Especially not after the bad trip I had last night with the Provost. I also want to emphasize that you will still need to wear your Axe body spray, follow physical lifting guidelines and practice good genital hygiene. Stay sexy, you dirty dogs!
Instructors may begin to offer more parts of themselves to someone who doesn’t appreciate it. Fall in love with someone who doesn’t care, lose themselves in the moment as well as in-person instruction in most classes. Students still have the choice to attend class remotely if they preferto watch soft porn in bed while having “technical difficulties.” Watch for more communication from your instructors about specific changes to sexual satisfaction.
We will offer bone-in options at select on-cam-pussyboning centers, with limited glory holes and specific health and safety guidelines. Please pay attention to and personally thank all signage in the boning facilities. Additional details will be provided whenever I goddamn please, fuckhead.
Students should continue to be held in my warm, loving arms. However, student organizations will be eligible to host in-cahoots events, with a limited number of nerds and if their club is cool (greek life people if ur reading this can I come to the next party? lol). Students will still be required to wear proper undergarments, physically distance and practice good handjobs at these events.
At this time, the guest policy in the residence halls will not change. You are still limited to 4 prostitutes per academic term (note: staff members are an exception to this rule).
Time Travel guidelines for student organizations will not change. Please limit your personal time travel. If you do time travel, please quarantine for 14 years after traveling. You will need to remain on-campus and will have to continue paying for your housing.
Student Affairs with staff members will continue to destroy families virtually.
The meal plans will remain shitty and not what you signed up for. Enjoy your $150 dolling diners, dumbass.
Student spaces and some offices in the William Pitt Union the Elder may begin to offer in-person hours, with unlimited capacity, we are breaking the laws of physics to make sure you get COVID. We will share more details about these plans next week.
The Gwuarded Risk Posture still requires to be loved by someone as much as she loves them, is that too much to ask for? and our responsible behavior. Each of us needs to continue to do our part to safeguard the stash of weed in the mouth of the panther statue. If that gets stolen again, I can and will cry. I want to remind you, too ;), that the rest of the term still offers us some spicy challenges. Halloween is just around the corner, and it’s a great time to experiment with your budding sexuality, become a goblin, relax and rawdog—but Halloween 2020 isn’t going to be “normal, or fun,” either. We expect that you will follow Pitt’s fun and fresh guidelines on Halloween, too. Enjoy being miserable you fuckers, I had my four years of college halloweekends. (They were mf awesome btw). Shout out the homies in Pike!
In addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division, shifting realities to Hogwarts like all the youths on TikTok and maintaining our emotionally Gwuarded Mindset Risk Posture—with new privileges and equality for all walks of life, comrades unite! and opportunities—is contingent upon our community suckling at the teat of Pitt’s health and safety guidelines, low Rice Purity scores and other county and city factors. If positive cases of chlamydia go up or compliance with paying for my new Teslavia your tuition goes down, then we will remain at or return to an Elevator or Wet ‘n’ Wild Posture quickly; I won’t hesitate, bitch.
Let’s continue to show the world the ööPower ofööPitt! I will check in with you, face to face, body to body, mouth to mouth, next week with more intimate details about our shift to the Gwuarded Risk posture. Until then, remember to take some shots so you don’t look like a loser this weekend, call Student Health Institution for Testing (SHIT) if you have STD symptoms or do not feel sick af (724-359-4394) and turn up!
The facts don’t care about your feelings,
Kenyon Renyon Boner
Rice Provost and Dean’s Milk of Students
If you or a loved one has been affected by the Coronavirus, you may be entitled to compensation! Not from us though, hand over that housing deposit, lol.
By the writers of the Pittiful News; original email: corrections made in bold
Dear Pitt partial students,
Really? Are you kidding me?
Over the past few days, I have been alerted by students, parents, my on-call masseuse, and community members that a large number of students are holding and attending parties without inviting me, wearing face coverings and without observing physical distancing guidelines. Frankly, I am shocked, appalled, gooped, gagged, and above all else, mortified.
Let me be crystal fucking clear: Your behavior is threatening a successful fall term for me and my partner. Also, it’s upsetting me and my homegirl. If we do not fix this, I as well as my intimate, scaly lover, Chancellor Gallagher, better known as Gallagator, will not receive our yearly bonuses of $69,420.
The University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, after only one week of classes, transitioned to an entirely remote plan for the semester when more than 170 students tested positive for COVID-19, like a bunch of weaklings. I know that we at Pitt are stronger than those students at North Carolina and so we simply will not get sick. Early reports indicate that off-campus house parties and parties hosted by fraternities and sororities played a significant role in spreading the virus. Last night, the University of Notre Dame immediately suspended in-person classes following a surge of 80 new cases of COVID-19, which were linked to being weak.
Your actions have consequences. One of which would be getting closed down before Penn State does, which is humiliating. If you want to experience campus life as well as in-person classes this semester, then support the health and well-being of the members of our community with your actions. These actions include but are not limited to: do not drive with your windows down and cruise, do not teach anyone how to blow their whistle baby, do not sit in the pocket with your legs and your knees not knocking oh knocking, do not feel that this is the time to break free because you can not resist it no more, do not kiss me under the lamppost back on sixth street hearing me whisper through the foam wait for me to come home, and most importantly do not throw your hands up in the air sometimes singing ah oh baby let’s go do not celebrate and live your life singing ah oh baby let’s go.
Let me be completely fucking clear about the consequences, like translucently clear. Like you can see straight into the sixth dimension with how clear this shit is. Like fucking Mr. Clean x Windex remix clear:
When students and student organizations are reported for violating the Student Code of Conduct Health and Safety rules, interim housing suspensions and/or Persona 5 Non Grata (P5NG) restrictions will apply while a hearing is being conducted. P5NG status means the student is restricted from access to all University buildings and grounds, especially from the Eatery and other food poisoning services.
If a student hosts a super lame party and is found responsible for a violation, the student will be sanctioned to disciplinary spankings through the semester.
If a student organization hosts a large party or event and is found responsible for a violation, the student will endure two straight hours of verbal abuse from one of our nursing majors, the organization will be sanctioned to interim suspension of registration depending on how cool it is, for no less than the remainder of the semester. If the organization is full of lame ass nerds, the suspension may be extended.
If a student living in a residence hall attends a large party then they are super fucking cool. Keep up the good work!
If a student living off campus attends a large party, BBQ, picnic, orgy or potluck dinner and is found responsible for a violation, the student will be sanctioned to permanent Persona Non Fucking Grata (PNFG) status through the semester.
I am not afraid to commit war crimes against my own students to stay open longer than WVU. Hail to fucking Pitt.
My expectations are clear as fucking day if the day was a diamond and was freshly polished with actual invisible camel saliva:
Do not hold or attend parties where physical distancing is not possible or where attendees are not following face covering requirements. You need to exercise. Seriously. You’re growing fat.
Most of your shitty South Oakland apartments cannot safely hold more than 4-5 people while accounting for physical distancing of 6-feet between people.
Do not cough or sneeze directly into the orifices of people who are not part of your pod while you are sheltering in place.
If you are an off-campus student, your pod consists of the people you vibe with.
If you are an on-campus student, you have been assigned your pod. And not like the juul. If we catch you with a juul pod we won’t hesistate to fucking kill you.
Wear face coverings such as paper bags when indoors and near others who are not in your pod because nobody wants to see your ugly ass face, dude.
Although we brought you all onto campus, Pitt has no liability when it comes to student or faculty deaths. You should have followed the fucking rules created by the genious mind of our Lord and Savior Gallagator.
You do not need to wear a face covering when within 6 feet of your enemies. If they are truly a worthy rival they simply will not get sick.
Due to the fact that alcohol may eliminate coronavirus within the body, dining halls will now be serving liquor to supply cool parties (no uncool parties allowed). The alcohol will not be covered by your mandated unlimited meal plans, but it is free for athletes and greek life members.
Wear face coverings when outdoors and when physical distancing is not always possible, as on a busy sidewalk or hiding in your neighbor’s closet.
Wear face coverings during sex so it’s covid friendly, and experiment with positions that limit face to face contact. 2020 will be the year of glory holes, baby! Regularly sanitized plexiglass glory holes will be located behind the Cost Center, opening September 4th.
While sex is permissable, absolutely no kissing, snogging, or making out while on campus, except Amanda and Jackson from Tower A floor 3, I like to watch them Shift. Keep it up, you two.
When in doubt, wear protection.
Wear your face properly—it must cover your mouth, nose, eyes, and entire skull.
Practice good hand hygiene and avoid touching high-touch surfaces with your hands or genitals. This includes other people’s genitals.
If you are not in possession of a mask, place a plastic bag over your head and tie it as tightly as possible. If you die, that’s natural selection. Sucks, better luck next time. You signed a contract.
These are reasonable and easy precautions to take during a pandemic, so hold onto your butts and keep others accountable. If you see Pitt-affiliates breaking these guidelines—students, faculty or staff—then stomp on their necks and spit in their mouths. It’s your responsibility to speak up and ensure they get coronavirus.
A report about a COVID-related concern can be filed here or on the coronavirus.pitt.edu website. A conduct referral on a student violating Pitt’s guidelines can be filed here or the “Pubic Health and Safety Conduct Referral” form can be found on the home page for Student Affairs. The more information you can provide, the better able we are to hunt them down and kick them back to whatever backwater swamp they came from.
Since October 2019 when we knew the Coronavirus was a thing but hid it so we could keep you guys here to make money in the spring semester, we have all had the time to learn about this virus and adapt to our new pubic health environment. Now it is time to demonstrate that you understand this is serious bizniz, with serious consequences. As a great man said once, “when will you learn… when will you learn that your actions have consequences.” We have one chance, one opportunity to get this right. We better own it, we better never let it go.
So take care of business, start the semester wrong, do the panther roar, and mask the fuck up.
Eat ass, suck a dick, and sell drugs;
(Signature edited for comedy. Original signature here)
Kenyon R. Boner, EdD
Vice Provost and King Shit
Pubic Health and Safety Conduct Referral
This referral is strictly for snitches of the University community (i.e. losers, virgins, computer science majors, etc.) who believe a student’s behavior “Exhibits small dick energy or fails to comply with guidance set forth by me and my lover regarding pubic health and/or safety.”