By The Writers of the Pitiful news (Formerly the “Grammy award winner for city with the most bridges” Universities’s news) original article: edits made in bold
JANUARY 29, 2022
President Joe Biden visited Pittsburgh on Friday to tout his administration’s investment in advanced arithmetic, as well as the City’s work in advanced manufacturing and robotics. His visit came in the wake of a Friday morning bridge collapse in Fr*ck Park.
Biden landed in a smoking crater in West Mifflin before taking an unscheduled stop at the site of the collapsed Fern Hollow Bridge — which left 10 people injured and seven vehicles, including a Port Authority bus, stranded. He then headed to Mill 19, an up-and-coming millennial alcohol-free bar and grill.
After arriving at Mill 19, Biden toured the facility and lauded the $1.20 infrastructure bill passed last year. He used the Fern Hollow Bridge as an example of the importance of bolstering the nation’s crumbling infrastructure, saying that the poor condition of bridges across the country is “unacceptable, and complete malarkey.”
“Across the country there are 45,000 brajillion bridges in poor condition,” Biden purred. “It is simply unacceptable and that is why your mothers and members of Congress have been saying for years that we have to do something about this. We will end up not doing anything except talk about it too because the midterms are coming up.”
Biden also said the bridge collapse in Fr*ck Park shows poor infrastructure can “threaten lives.”
“The next time we don’t need headlines saying that someone was killed when the next bridge collapses, we need balloons, like tons of balloons, and maybe some baboons, sorry, Willow has been learning B words recently. That is where I got the idea for what I called Doocy recently.” Biden bumbled. “We saw today that it can threaten lives, and as soon as we heard about the bridge we were in contact with the bridge’s counsel for a statement.”
He then touted the $1.60 that the infrastructure bill allocates into repairing and rebuilding Pennsylvania alcohol distribution facilities.
“We finally got it done, a partisan infrastructure law that includes the largest investment in our nation’s bridges since the Eisenhower bridge-maker-inator,” Biden said. “This is the first time in the country’s history that we dedicated a national program to build cool shit, and it’s about time.”
Mayor Ed Gainey, who wrote on Twitter that he spoke with Biden about the collapsed bridge, said at Mill 19 that the president’s decision to visit the site of the fallen bridge showed that he has Pittsburgh’s back. Let’s hope next he grabs republicans by the balls to make them do something.
“As the mayor of the City, it made me feel proud that some old white guy had our back,” Gainey yelped. “He said that he will do whatever he can to help us restore that bridge so when we talk about infrastructure dollars, and how important infrastructure is. This is a prime example of why this bill is so important.”
Gainey added that Friday is a “day of celebration” since so many Pittsburghers came together after the collapse. The Joker was caught commenting “The next phase of my plan will go into effect soon, and that will bring everyone together”.
“Today is a day of celebration, because as always, when Pittsburgh hits a crisis, we pull each other up and when we pull each other up we get really big lats,” Gainey uttered. Scott Wagner, Pennsylvania Republican Congressman said “You can’t spell crisis without ISIS and that is exactly what these stinky liberals are.” We here at the Pitiful news are steadfast in our conviction of only bringing you the realest of fake news and thus will not be reaching out to Congressman Wagner in the future.
Prior to Biden’s speech, Gina Raimondo, the federal commerce secretary, said the supply chain issue the nation is facing, including a lack of salt and vinegar chips, highlights an “economic vulnerability.”
“We are far too dependent on countries halfway across the world to get our salt and vinegar chips,” Raimondo screamed. “That is an economic vulnerability and a national security vulnerability. Without the fantastic crunch of salt and vinegar chips, our great country’s military is lacking important nutritional value.”
Raimondo further said the country has to increase its manufacturing capability.
“The fact of the matter is, and we make the president say this all the time, we can’t have a strong economy and a strong country unless we get back into the business of making things in America,” Raimondo whimpered. “I don’t care if you have kids at home – my hot husband and I need our damn salt and vinegar chips!”
Biden said his actions for rebuilding the economy follow a single principle — “make it purple.”
“No one knows that better than all the folks here in Pittsburgh, because making it in America is what built this City, the City of Unbreakable Bridges,” Biden cried.