Unique Food the Eatery Is Feeding Us In These Trying Times

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the 5 time Gold Medalist, Ghengis Khan news)

Dear Student,

In honor of the Winter Olympic Games Beijing 2022, Pitt Eats is sending your palate on a trip around the world! The Eatery will feature a different regional cuisine from Olympic competitors each day until the games conclude on Feb. 20.

• Denmark
  • Boiled flannel shirts
  • Fish sticks
    • Fish dicks 
  • Beanboozled Harry Potter set… just the spinner
  • Danishes made out of real Danish people
• Island of Themyscira
  • Pussy
  • Maracas filled with corn nuts that you smash like a piggy bank
• Western Sahara
  • (leave blank)
• Mexico
  • A single black bean, doused in hot sauce
  • Mexican Pizza (doing what Taco Bell is too pussy to do)
  • Canned corn labeled “maize” 
  • Authentic cane sugar Baja Blast
  • Catering by Chipotle 
• Canada
  • Same food as normal, but you must aggressively thank the server and apologize for bothering them
  • Those fries with the gravy
    • Putin.
•  The Vatican
  • The Pope’s pinky finger (while supplies last)
    • Supplies ran out :(
  • Consecrated Nilla Wafers
• Italy
  • Domino’s Pizza
  • The Mona Lisa
  • Mario’s ass-stache
  • Fuckin’… spaghetti?
    • Spaghettabout it!
•  Philadelphia
  • Wooder ice
  • Cheesed steak
  • Cream cheesh
•  Japan
  • Raw fish in weed(s)
  • Giant squid
• The United States of America
  • FAT BURGER 
  • Shittier remakes of every other food on this list
  • A Camelback backpack full of Hellman’s Mayonnaise
  • Insulin (upcharge)
• Australia
  • sƃƃǝ uʍop-ǝpᴉsdn ǝpᴉs ʎuunS
  • sooɹɐƃuɐʞ ɟo ɥɔnod ǝɥʇ uᴉɥʇᴉʍ uǝppᴉɥ ʇɐǝɯ ɹǝpuǝʇ ǝɥ┴
  • sǝᴉqɐllɐM pǝ’Qqq
• Israel
  •  Israeli Salad: loose cucumbers, tomatoes, and some sand
•  Chile
  • Chili (Piping Hot)
• Germany
  • Luxembourg 
  • Liechtenstein
  • The WURST sausage you’ve ever had
    • Little Deutsch humor for the cultured folk
  • Bier (pronounced like beer because German is English)
• Colombia
  • So THAT’S what happened to Bruno’s rats… 
• Spain
  • Same food as usual but dining halls open at 9pm
  • Nude chicken breasts
  • Bull fillet. Or maybe matador fillet? We don’t know.
    • Yet.
• Turkey
  • Chicken Turkey
• Switzerland
  • Chocolate covered pretzels
  • Chocolate covered Chocolate
  • Chocolate covered Nazi Gold 
  • Chocolate covered Rolex, in white gold
• The left half of France
  • Bagu
• The right half of France
  • ette
• Greenland
  • See: Iceland
• South Korea
  • actual South Korean foods
• North Korea
  • (this bullet point was removed by our glorious leader Kim Jong-Un)
• Russia
  • Jack Daniel’s water ice
  • One cigarette soaked in vo (puff)
    • dka  
  • Berlin Wall
• Slovenia
  • Fun-colored snowcones!
    • Why are they all yellow…
• Czechoslovakia
  • Dust, bones 
• Czech Republic
  • Dust  
• Slovakia
  • Bones
• Greece
  • Anything they can sell us, they need the money 
    • Seriously, I invested in the National Bank of Greece in 2015 with my birthday money… taught me a lesson about financial literacy. My family had a field day. OH, they laughed. They laughed. 
  • Grease 
  • Grease 2
    • Why, it’s GREASED LIGHTNIN’!
•  United Kingdom
  • Literal fucking rocks (English scones) with a side of Lipton tea
  • Any food but Dr. Christian from British TV hit Supersize vs. Superskinny yells at you while you eat it
    • Are you really going to eat that takeaway? It’s absolutely MAMMOTH.
  • Crea and trumpets
  • A lovely buffet around the back of a co-op
  • The most disgusting green paste you’ve ever seen
  • Big communal bowl of marmite
    • We all kiss each other with tongue after we eat from it (to show international solidarity)
• 1492 America
  • Black Death (Y. PESTIS) 
  • Fleas on rats 
  • Guns, germs, steel
• Romania
  • A head of romaine lettuce
  • Meatballs
  • Sadness
• Croatia
  • The coastline of Bosnia and Herzegovina
• The Bikini Atoll
  • A delicious kebab, but radioactive 
• Bikini Bottom
  • Pizza
  • The reason Mr. Krabs is the only Crab in town, aka Krabby Patties
• Somalia
  • Baasto
  • Surbiyaan
  • Sambusas
  • Pirates
• China
  • The vegetable-covered spaghetti that is creatively marketed as “Asian Noodles”
  • Whatever we found dumpster diving behind the local Chinese restaurants
• Taiwan
  • Insert joke about real Chinese food here
• Global Cuisine
  • Deep-fried surgical mask 
  • Tears of international students
• Pittsburgh
  • Steel bars
  • Eatery food (meta?)
• Mars
  • Red sand witches
  • Red salads
  • Communist Manifesto 
• Saturn
  • His son
• Litchfield Towers
  • Twenty four crushed Monster cans
  • Freshman blood
  • TikTok lights as noodles 
• Sutherland Hall
  • The soul of Jock Sutherland
• Antarctica 
  • Ozone-grilled polar bear
  • Ice water
• The Moon
  • Bitcoin
  • Dogecoin
  • KumRocket
  • Jeff Bezos
  • Moon cheese
• Iceland
  • See: Greenland 
• Your mom
  • My ass 
• My ass
  • Your mom
• Hillman Library
  • No food or drink allowed 

Hope to see you there,

The Pitiful News Olympic Committee Panther Central