Today I ate a pizza

By Lord Tyler Sikov

Pizza delivery driver shares devious way they get back at customers who  don't tip - Mirror Online

               I was hungry earlier and I decided to order a pizza. This came with the built-in challenge of deciding what pizza place I want to go to. I don’t speak enough German to go to Papa Johns and I also do not vibe with racists. Dominos reminds me too much of my ex, Dominic. He and I got along for a while as we both love carefully setting events in peoples’ lives, building an elaborate web of lies and then knocking it all down and watching their lives crash and burn. We broke up because I found out he was cheating on me with one of the clouded leopards at the zoo.

               I decided to order pizza from Dan’s Pizza Joint. They sell pizzas and a joint, I did not buy the joint. I knew I was too lazy to get into my car and go somewhere, I also could not use my car as I had lent it to Kirby from the game Kirby, he was using it so he could turn into a wheel and beat up Tony Hawk. I don’t know what he has against Tony Hawk but I am not here to judge. This all culminated in me ordering the pizza for delivery. I got what I usually do, a vegan pizza and some garlic knots.

               In about an hour a handsome man appeared at my door. He had my food. I told him that I needed to grab my wallet from the other room and for him to just step inside. Something to note is that I have a rube Goldberg contraption set up so when someone comes through my door and stands on my front hall carpet the door will shut and lock behind them. This absolute himbo fell into my trap. Now that he was in my house, he was under the ancient tradition of guests.

               It is commonly known that a vampire must ask for permission to enter a house. Vampires must also give permission for someone to enter, or leave, their domain. For frequent readers of my articles, it should come as no surprise that I am a vampire. Another fun vampire fact is that we are just simply allergic to garlic in the same way that a person is lactose intolerant. It just makes us a bit nauseas. If you know any lactose intolerant people you will know that this never stops them from eating dairy, the same goes for vampires and garlic, I often take Gar-aid (not sponsored) when I am going to eat a lot of garlic. 

               Gar-aid (not sponsored) was the real reason why I went into the other room, I keep some in my wallet. Getting back to the handsome man standing in my front hall, I asked if I could drink his blood. I told him that I did not need to drink much, maybe a liter. As expected, he said yes. Most people willingly let me drink their blood, and actually I cannot drink their blood without their permission unless I kill them after, another vampire permission thing. I drank his blood and paid for the food and tipped extra for the delicious blood. Once he left, I went and ate the food I ordered. Next month this cycle will begin anew with a new donor.

               Wait, a month, cycle, those things have something to do with each other for non-vampires, right? If you have any ideas on the connection or other good places for me to quench my thirst and my thirstiness at the same time, please get in contact with me (you can use pittifulnews@gmail.com or submit an advice request on our website).

Home Improvement Tips for New Homeowners

By Lord Tyler and Savannah 

  • Put all of your pillows on one side of the couch so when you take a depression nap you can kick all of them on the floor at once 
  • Alternately, arrange all the pillows throughout the room for when you want to have an angry hallmark movie scene where you swipe them all onto the floor 
  • Stock your fridge with lunchables because making food is unrealistic  
  • Feng Shui is bullshit. If you want prosperity just stop buying fake plants, idiot.
  • Take your shoes off when you come inside. At least somewhere. Maybe by the door, or like in the shower. Just don’t sleep in them please. You don’t live in a pineapple. 
  • Get cats
  • Remove all carpets because cats are a nightmare
  • Murder the previous owners, it is your house now you must assert dominance
  • Totally wreck the place, it is your house now you must show dominance  
  • The entire house is your toilet, it is your house now you must show dominance 
  • Put up your favorite flag that has a blue cross with stars on it, it is best if the background is red 
  • Cover the walls in your blood, it is your house now, you must show it who’s boss  
  • Use sage and crystal to cleanse the space 
    • For reference Sage and Crystal are prostitutes that squat in your house  
  • Start WWIII
  • Lick some of the walls that you have not covered with your blood, to show your house that you are in control  
  • Don’t mix silvers and golds

What companies are selling for Pride month

By the writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Pittifulgbt News)

  • Acceptance: $5.99 a month!
  • Rights: $10.99 a month! 
  • Mario Kart but only rainbow road for DSi: $16.89 
  • Rainbow themed Kamala Harris campaign stickers: $0.99 + shipping
  • Rainbow colored miralax. $16.50 a scoop
  • Classic lesbian Subaru: $23,000, only $1400 down!
    • I thought it was american
  • Country Crock lubricant: $.30 
  • Gay shirt for gay people: $12
  • A brand new weiner dog: $150 not including rainbow colored crate 
  • Diapers for all that gay sex: $12.50 a pack
    • I know nothing about gay sex 
  • Rainbirkencrocs. $130.00. 
  • My lesbian wardrobe. 10 bucks. 
  • Pete Buttigieg 2024 posters: Free with your vote!
  • The confirmation of new Lorde music in 2021: $0.00
  • Chromatica oreo flavored vodka $99 (as in “there could be 100 people in a room and 99 of them don’t believe in you—”)
  • Goodwill+ Membership: $4.99 per month
  • T-shirts with Tyler Oakley’s face on them. 50% off for those of us that were victims of his nature box ads.
  • The Amazing Book is Not on Fire: $50.00 hard, $40.00 soft
  • Markiplier coming out video. No ads.
  • Mr. Beast coming out. 2 ads at the beginning and one sponsorship.
  • Pride candles in random assorted fruity scents. $16.99. 
  • Fruity Pebbles: $2.59 
  • A never before released version of Star Wars where Poe and Finn kiss. Cost: having to watch all of the queerbaiting in the original one. 
  • New Twenty One Pilots album: more than it should be
  • Rainbow Swastikas made out of the L’s from LGBT: 50 Billion dollars
    • I’m looking at you, Musk
  • Chanel No.1-866-488-7386: Free
  • Rainbow MAGA hat: $20.24
  • Another movie about 1800s depressed lesbians on a rocky island that like to paint. Cost: The age gap between the romantic leads is 35 years. 
  • Ryan Murphy’s retirement. Cost: He will only stop after we let him make his reboot of Glee ft. Lea Michelle.
  • A new streamlined fanfiction service where you can view stories from all of the websites and put them into one library: priceless 
  • Representation: $14,000 in Disney stock options
  • RuPaul Fracking Empire: $13.7 million
    • RuPaul fracks! #yas #slay
  • The Most Unexpected Revelation From RuPaul's Recent NPR Interview? He Might  Be Fracking – Texas Monthlyrupaulfracking hashtag on TwitterTypes of Burns: RuPaul is Fracking by Kyle Carrero Lopez | Frontier Poetry  - Exploring the Edges of Contemporary Poetry 
  •  ^ this image: 15 brajillion dollars
  • Pride pods (pride themed Tide Pods): $15.99
    • Looks more like candy
    • Might eat
  • Pride flag Laptop Stickers: $2.50 for 10-pack

We’ve been to the year 3000, not much has changed but there are a lot of ruthless dictators

By the writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Pittiful “Stream Bobby Shmurda” News)

  •  Me
  •  Myself
  •  I
  •  John Cena
  • JK 
    • Jimmy Kimmel
  • JK 
    • Rowling
  • JK
    • John Krasinski
  • Terry Crews
    • President Camacho
  • Moose L. Ini
    • A very large moose with big antlers who has learned to use the elevator 
  • ~🎵Jason Derulo 🎵~
    • … and the entire cast of CATS (2019).
  • Pitbull
    • Mr. Worldwide, started from Miami and now his reign knows no boundaries (ft. JLo)
  • Lil Nas X 
  • Bobby Shmurda
    • Was released from prison, his next song brainwashed the entire populace
  • Gwyneth Paltrow
    • GOOP to the moon
  • John D. Espot
    • The blueprint
  • Shane Yaw
    • Was inaugurated on both knees
  • Yog Sogg’oth
  •  Kim Kardashian
    • Close relative of Kim Jong-Un, benevolent democratically elected president of the Entirety of Korea
  • Some Dude Who Plays Minecraft On YouTube 
  • Lord Tyler Sikov
    • Turns out that every article he ever wrote was true and he is in fact an old world deity  
  •  Phil Swift the FlexSeal Guy
    • Distracted us with his charm and good looks and now he just kind of runs the show
  • Bella Hadid
    • No violent overthrow necessary, we just do what she says ;) 
  • Kenyon Bonner
    • Made us change our name smhhhhhh
  • Borat
    • My wife! 
  • Russell Brand 
  • Oreo the Cat
    • He was unanimously elected overlord after the fall of all democratic governments 
  • Michelangelo
    • The ninja turtle
  • Adam Sandler
    • He and his sister Jill caused quite the coup. Did you know he is worth HUNDREDS of MILLIONS of DOLLARS? 
  • Dr. Jill Biden
    • 2028 here we come
  • Simon Cowell
    • Found some contractual loophole to force One Direction back together and we all handed over our rights real fast
  • Bill Hader 
    • hot
    • counter: Pennywise the Clown. also hot
  • Bark Zuckerberg
    • Mark Zuckerberg’s dog  
  • Barque Zuckerberg
    • Mark Zuckerberg’s dog, but French
  • Ark Zuckerberg
    • A second great flood destroys the earth, He saves the day
  • Dark Zuckerberg
    • A niche genre of Wattpad fanfiction that the CEO of Facebook writes about himself between robotic sips of water
  • Shark Zuckerberg
    • A man who becomes a shark in any body of water
  • Hark! Zuckerberg
    • A man who listens for the angels
  • Park Zuckerberg
    • When Mark Zuckerberg needs a little play time
  • Hallmark Zuckerberg
    • When Mark Zuckerberg wants to indulge in a sappy Christmas movie
  • Jichael Mackson
  • Mohn Julaney
  • Donald Trump
    • star of the Home Alone franchise
    • LMAO like he’d ever get elected again

We Asked the Writers of the Pittiful News What Their Zodiac Signs Are

By the Ghost Writers of the Interviewers of the Writers of the Pitiful News (formerly the Ghost Writers of the Interviewers of the Writers of the Pittiful News)

27 Astrology Memes All The Non-Believers Can Laugh At | Bored Panda
  • Pilates
  • Pizzatarius
  • Ravenclaw
  • Republican
  • Mamma’s Cupcakeria
  • Episcopalian
  • Pisscapalian (pissy fish eater) 
  • I’m gay? 
  • I’m in the Glee Club 
  • Pescitarian – only eat Joe Pesci
  • Libertarian
    • I’m registered independent, personally 
    • I’m a registered sex offender, personally
  • I am now and have always been a member of the Communist Party of America
  • George Washington
  • John Oliver
  • The princess of the princess and the frog
  • Socially liberal fiscally conservative
  • Webkinz
  • Unpaid intern
  • Mansplainer
  • I’m nor/mal actually 
  • Flat-earther
  • Furry
    • ~awooooo
    • pittiful nyas
  • JoJo Siwa
  • Labor organizer
  • Youtuber
  • John F. Kennedy, 35th president of the United States of America
  • ENFP
  • I register as a BDSM
  • Weeaboo
  • Quitter on a shitter
  • Sorority sister
  • Fraternity frother
  • X
  • Matthew Morrison
  • Alexander Hamilton
  • Lin Manuel Miranda 
  • Kinnie
  • bro/broself
  • pittifulnews@gmail.com
  • Lesbian
    • I thought you were American???
  • Donald Trump’s toupee
    • What’s a toopee?
    • Nothin’, what’s it to you?
  • A tumblr account
  • Chocolate fondue
  • Fondled fondue
  • Kamala Harris
  • What is this Homestuck shit?
  • Cancer

Giant Cube of Sentient Meat Skewered atop the Cathedral of Learning Begins Teaching Summer Classes in Philosophy

By Eric Brinling

A giant cube of meat, which has been skewered atop the Cathedral of Learning since August of 2020, finally begins teaching its own class in the philosophy department entitled “The Philosophical Repercussions of Being a Giant Cube of Meat Skewered atop a Landmark”, starting this summer.

But who is this cube of meat? Where did it come from? Where is it going? From the shank of which giant animal was it butchered? I, star reporter Eric J. Brinling, have the inside scoop on all this and more.

The giant cube of meat is a lot friendlier than it might appear from several blocks away. It is very approachable, and is more than willing to answer any questions anyone might have, even if the asker fears they might be insensitive, like “How did you get here if you didn’t have any legs?” or “What sort of animal was big enough for you to be just a cube of its meat?” or “How the hell are you sentient?” or what have you.

To these the giant cube of meat just laughs. “I hear those kinds of questions all the time,” he says, despite his lack of ears or mouth, making hearing and saying a mystery. “In truth I don’t mind answering them a million times over. I’m an educator, it’s what I do, I guess.”

Its journey to Pitt was a long and arduous road for a plucky meat cube like itself. It started on the plains of South Dakota, where it grew up in a small, and often cruel town.

“They didn’t like me much back home,” says the meat cube, as I see a tear almost forming in its nonexistent eyes as it recalls painful memories of a childhood long past. “I was different, I guess, and that’s about the worst thing you can be in Florence, South Dakota.”

Despite the trials and tribulations, the meat cube made it to college, getting its Bachelor of Kebabery from the Indiana University of Pennsylvania Punxsutawney Branch. 

“Philosophy was just a hobby back then,” says the cube. “They don’t even offer philosophy classes in Punxsutawney. But in my free time, I wrote a thesis on philosophy and its applications in my own daily life that won me acclaim across the field, and I got a full-ride scholarship for a master’s program in philosophy from Cornell.”

From there, it seemed the meat cube could go anywhere, do anything, but it chose Pitt. Why?

“Pitt just felt like home as soon as I skewered myself atop the Cathedral of Learning. No other university has a building like this, where I can utilize both my master’s degree in philosophy as a PhD candidate as well as my Bachelor of Kebabery.”

As fate would have it, the cube’s class in philosophy, starting with a guinea pig run this summer, does not stray far from the thesis that started its philosophical career.

The cube laughed at the concept. “Yes, I suppose that’s true. My life is in a very different place right now than it was when I wrote my thesis as an undergrad, but I still look at philosophy through a similar lens: how can you apply philosophical thinking to your own experiences? And for me right now, that means teaching a class entitled ‘The Philosophical Repercussions of Being a Giant Cube of Meat Skewered atop a Landmark.’ I just hope that I inspire my students to ask similar big questions about their own lives.”

The giant meat cube’s class, PHIL 0420 ‘The Philosophical Repercussions of Being a Giant Cube of Meat Skewered atop a Landmark’ is being offered this summer with limited seating.

Lesser known things that went on during the January 6th Insurrection

By the writers of the Pitiful News (formerly the Pittiful Coups, oh, wait, I already made this joke, and there was literally an attempted coup)

  • It was a little chilly.
  • I became your dad.
  • Donald Trump was rebooted to the latest version of iPresident 
  • Shrimp colors were added to the human eye but only for, like, five seconds
    • I thought that was just the LSD I did
  • Sellers of the confederate flag suddenly got very excited 
  • Half-Life 3 was released
  • PETA started raiding D.C. houses and euthanizing goldfish where there were not easily accessible outdoor cats to get their grubby little PETA paws on.
  • I brushed my teeth with my sister’s toothpaste by accident.
  • George Washington briefly came back to life, looked around, said “Fuck this shit”, and promptly died again.
  • They rubbed shit all over the walls
  • Rosanne Barr announced a mayoral run in a Blair Witch style video from Nancy Pelosi’s desk
  • Your mom fell for a multi-level marketing scheme.
  • Thousands of Americans went back to the store to return Christmas gifts
  • Dozens of men discovered the prostate.
  • They burned down the White House… oh wait sorry that was 1814.
  • My phone connected to my car’s bluetooth speaker when my dad went to warm up my car and he discovered that I was listening to an ASMR mukbang on Trisha Paytas’s 18,000th channel: No Talky Trish ASMR.  He was concerned.  
  • The Capitol Building briefly went into giant robot mode before being shut down by an administration that did not want it to defend itself.
  • A wise guru in the Himalayas attained enlightenment, then promptly lost it when he turned on the tv.
  • Donald Trump enjoyed a round of miniature golf with his strangely tall son Barron between his incitement of the insurrection and his tweet “condemning” the insurrection.
  • I found my fried pierogies, they were in the pockets I put them in, my pants from the one time I went to vegas over a decade ago
  • A lone chess player stood between the insurrectionists and the House of Representatives. The insurrectionists had to win a game of chess before they could go on into the chamber. The old chess player, dressed in white robes, exclaimed “You shall not en passant!” before beating every single one of them. Truly heroic.
  • Cupid Shuffle 2 came out 
  • I found my iPod Shuffle
  • Another coup happened in the Central African Republic 
  • Every 60 seconds, a minute passed in Africa
    • With your help we can stop this
  • You guys are not gonna believe this but people threatened democracy 

Celebrities We Want to Meet

By the writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Chuck E. Cheese Ball Pittiful News)

  • Orlando Bloom dressed as Legolas (no exceptions)
  • Legolas dressed as Orlando Bloom
  • The Spiderman that Tom Holland killed so he could take his place
  • Doja Dog
  • Snoop Catt
  • Lyin
  • Chimpanzeez
  • Rutherford B. Hayes 
  • Túrin Turambar
  • Russell Stover
  • Mr. Clean
  • Ninki Minjaj
  • Gollum
  • The Wardrobe (of “The Lion, The Witch, and” fame)
  • The Ainur who sung the world into being
  • Grover Cleveland 
  • Whatever the fuck the dark elves were in Thor 2 
  • Grover Cleveland
  • Girlboss Cruella de Vil
  • The Mamas and the Papas
  • My dad
  • Pāṇini
  • The Broadway star that Tyler thinks he sounds like when he sings
  • Alexander Hamilton, but only the one from the musical
  • Santa Claus 
  • Gnomeo and Juliet
  • Grover “From the Muppets” Cleveland
  • Melkor who introduced discord into the Song of the Ainur
  • Wizard Calligraphy (Wiz Khalifa)
  • Jack the Ripper
  • Obama (I don’t know his last name)
  • John H. Tinder
  • Ashley Madison 
  • John Lenin 
  • The Yardbyrds 
  • Ellen DeSelfish 
  • Will Piano
  • Will Forte

Things you didn’t notice happened this week because you were distracted by the satellite crash

By the Writers of the Pitiful News ( formerly the PitTiful Flu’s)

  • Melinda Gates (TW: Girlboss) figured out her worth, but only in body not in property
  • Joe Biden died after sleeping for too long
    • We have decided to make a memorial for Joe called Boe Jiden
  • 2010 MySpace scene fashion is making a comeback. Get your studded belts out of the closet babes.
  • I looked hot. Can’t believe you guys didn’t even notice.
  • Uggs are back in style
  • Richard pulled out the bike and went for a ride because the weather was finally nice
  • Scooby Doo died in a tragic car accident
  • The Tramp Stamps were revealed to not be an industry plant
  • Garrett Watts turned his bedroom into a 90s oasis
  • Your dad looked GNC as fuck.
  • I stole your husband (and his money). 
  • I carved my name into the side of his pretty little souped-up four wheel drive, carved my name into his leather seats
    • I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights, and slashed a hole in all four tires 
  • 3 kajillion people said that Saturday Night Live used to be good, all referring to one skit from the 80’s that somehow became a commonly used reference
  • Pet a corgi for the first time ever! Yes, it was as good as I hoped it would be.
  • Taylor Swift dropped three new albums 
  • The impostor was discovered.
  • I became gay.
  • This bussy popped severely and yours did not
  • Trisha Paytas became the president of a small country  
  • Kamala Harris personally bombed Trisha Paytas’ small country, citing “survival of the fittest” among girlbosses 
  • I went and popped some tags
  • Tyra Banks hosted the first annual Hunger Games 
  • They figured out time travel 
  • I joined an MLM scheme by accident and am now thousands of dollars in debt. Anyways can I interest you today in learning about a little company called Lularoe—
  • Joe Biden pulled a Jimmy Carter and told a gathering of Polish people that he desired them carnally and that he had left the US to never return
    • Same, lol
  • Walked up to the club and said I have a large rooster  
  • I hosted SNL. 
  • Mother’s Day was celebrated, to the excitement of MILF lovers everywhere
  • Went to the thrift shop
  • Forbes Tobacco ran out of all the damn Newports. Fuck the FDA.
  • I got a cavity.
  • I fell in love. I went on this lovely picnic with this girl. We rolled down the hill and just froliced. You might be thinking this is a strange item on this list as it is nice.
    • She wore a turban the whole time and I am excited to see what her hair looks like
    • She invited me over and removed the headdress and many tiny eyes began to glow
    • *loud thud sound of a love sick boy turning into stone* 
  • The word “smurgloid” was added to the dictionary
  • That tall red-head girl from Phineas and Ferb died. What was her name again?
    • The triangle one killed her.
    • Where’s Perry
  • Savannah got her laundry!

Mars Needs Moms: A Follow up Interview

By Lord Tyler Sikov

               For this piece I travelled to the red planet to talk to the people behind the wildly successful 2011 ad campaign. For those that are not familiar with this cultural phenomenon, the community leaders on Mars realized that they were running low on their mom population, they decided to reach out to Earth to see if we could send aid. As a year on Mars is about 2 years on earth, their concept of our ad culture was limited so they made an 88-minute ad. Despite many Earthlings taking this advertisement as a movie, Mars still saw an influx of new Moms.

               It has been a decade since the moms went to Mars so The Pittiful News decided to do a follow up interview with some of the moms and community leaders. The moms all enjoyed their new living arrangements and their adoptive community of children were very well behaved and always ate their glop glorpp (a mars vegetable similar to broccoli). The moms never ask for a day off, as their sole purpose in life, regardless of what planet they are on, is to love and support their children.

               As time has passed, the population that the moms were aiding has aged and are now contributing members of society. This has begun to cause problems. Meek Throp, Chief Electrical Passerby, told us “The moms love it here, a bit too much. We have begun to run out of things for them to do, so they have started reorganizing random citizen’s rooms, this has been causing a lot of Grant yonicks to go missing”. It should be noted for those unfamiliar, a Grant yonick is sort of like a screw driver but in the shape of a fractal. Mry. Throp has brought this problem to the council of Hummus inspectors, to see what they think should be done about this lack of wards the moms have. The council has decided to go in two different directions.

               First, they have begun abducting children. Since the first ad campaign the community leaders have watched more earth media and have discovered that kids like white vans, and often will hop into any available white vans at the drop of a hangflap knapsack (similar to a hat but more narrow, a mohawk hat if you will). So, they have begun parking white vans all over the place to grab some kids and then transport them to mars. You, the reader, are probably familiar with the most prominent person from mars on this planet, Elon Musk. When his son with all of the strange characters was born, it was a secret message to send more Martians to collect children. Mars has also used him as a cover so no one is surprised when rockets are launched and go to Mars. You are probably asking about the perseverance rover by now, well that is easy to explain, it is here but it is in what they call the death zone, that is where no one lives and nothing really happens. 

               The second tactic is through another ad campaign. Since their first ad campaign they have had years to study our ad culture and realized we often like shorter content or often even still images. They have begun putting ads on all of our electronic devices. You have probably seen some of their ads. Many of them are centered around the idea of “hot milfs in our area”. We are not quite sure if they know what milf stands for but at this point they have already paid for the ads so it might be a little late to tell them what it means. Overall, Mars no longer needs moms, Mars needs Children and anyone interested in MILFs.