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I was hungry earlier and I decided to order a pizza. This came with the built-in challenge of deciding what pizza place I want to go to. I don’t speak enough German to go to Papa Johns and I also do not vibe with racists. Dominos reminds me too much of my ex, Dominic. He and I got along for a while as we both love carefully setting events in peoples’ lives, building an elaborate web of lies and then knocking it all down and watching their lives crash and burn. We broke up because I found out he was cheating on me with one of the clouded leopards at the zoo.
I decided to order pizza from Dan’s Pizza Joint. They sell pizzas and a joint, I did not buy the joint. I knew I was too lazy to get into my car and go somewhere, I also could not use my car as I had lent it to Kirby from the game Kirby, he was using it so he could turn into a wheel and beat up Tony Hawk. I don’t know what he has against Tony Hawk but I am not here to judge. This all culminated in me ordering the pizza for delivery. I got what I usually do, a vegan pizza and some garlic knots.
In about an hour a handsome man appeared at my door. He had my food. I told him that I needed to grab my wallet from the other room and for him to just step inside. Something to note is that I have a rube Goldberg contraption set up so when someone comes through my door and stands on my front hall carpet the door will shut and lock behind them. This absolute himbo fell into my trap. Now that he was in my house, he was under the ancient tradition of guests.
It is commonly known that a vampire must ask for permission to enter a house. Vampires must also give permission for someone to enter, or leave, their domain. For frequent readers of my articles, it should come as no surprise that I am a vampire. Another fun vampire fact is that we are just simply allergic to garlic in the same way that a person is lactose intolerant. It just makes us a bit nauseas. If you know any lactose intolerant people you will know that this never stops them from eating dairy, the same goes for vampires and garlic, I often take Gar-aid (not sponsored) when I am going to eat a lot of garlic.
Gar-aid (not sponsored) was the real reason why I went into the other room, I keep some in my wallet. Getting back to the handsome man standing in my front hall, I asked if I could drink his blood. I told him that I did not need to drink much, maybe a liter. As expected, he said yes. Most people willingly let me drink their blood, and actually I cannot drink their blood without their permission unless I kill them after, another vampire permission thing. I drank his blood and paid for the food and tipped extra for the delicious blood. Once he left, I went and ate the food I ordered. Next month this cycle will begin anew with a new donor.
Wait, a month, cycle, those things have something to do with each other for non-vampires, right? If you have any ideas on the connection or other good places for me to quench my thirst and my thirstiness at the same time, please get in contact with me (you can use firstname.lastname@example.org or submit an advice request on our website).
By the writers of the Pitiful News (formerly the Pittiful Coups, oh, wait, I already made this joke, and there was literally an attempted coup)
It was a little chilly.
I became your dad.
Donald Trump was rebooted to the latest version of iPresident
Shrimp colors were added to the human eye but only for, like, five seconds
I thought that was just the LSD I did
Sellers of the confederate flag suddenly got very excited
Half-Life 3 was released
PETA started raiding D.C. houses and euthanizing goldfish where there were not easily accessible outdoor cats to get their grubby little PETA paws on.
I brushed my teeth with my sister’s toothpaste by accident.
George Washington briefly came back to life, looked around, said “Fuck this shit”, and promptly died again.
They rubbed shit all over the walls
Rosanne Barr announced a mayoral run in a Blair Witch style video from Nancy Pelosi’s desk
Your mom fell for a multi-level marketing scheme.
Thousands of Americans went back to the store to return Christmas gifts
Dozens of men discovered the prostate.
They burned down the White House… oh wait sorry that was 1814.
My phone connected to my car’s bluetooth speaker when my dad went to warm up my car and he discovered that I was listening to an ASMR mukbang on Trisha Paytas’s 18,000th channel: No Talky Trish ASMR. He was concerned.
The Capitol Building briefly went into giant robot mode before being shut down by an administration that did not want it to defend itself.
A wise guru in the Himalayas attained enlightenment, then promptly lost it when he turned on the tv.
Donald Trump enjoyed a round of miniature golf with his strangely tall son Barron between his incitement of the insurrection and his tweet “condemning” the insurrection.
I found my fried pierogies, they were in the pockets I put them in, my pants from the one time I went to vegas over a decade ago
A lone chess player stood between the insurrectionists and the House of Representatives. The insurrectionists had to win a game of chess before they could go on into the chamber. The old chess player, dressed in white robes, exclaimed “You shall not en passant!” before beating every single one of them. Truly heroic.
Cupid Shuffle 2 came out
I found my iPod Shuffle
Another coup happened in the Central African Republic
Every 60 seconds, a minute passed in Africa
With your help we can stop this
You guys are not gonna believe this but people threatened democracy
For this piece I travelled to the red planet to talk to the people behind the wildly successful 2011 ad campaign. For those that are not familiar with this cultural phenomenon, the community leaders on Mars realized that they were running low on their mom population, they decided to reach out to Earth to see if we could send aid. As a year on Mars is about 2 years on earth, their concept of our ad culture was limited so they made an 88-minute ad. Despite many Earthlings taking this advertisement as a movie, Mars still saw an influx of new Moms.
It has been a decade since the moms went to Mars so The Pittiful News decided to do a follow up interview with some of the moms and community leaders. The moms all enjoyed their new living arrangements and their adoptive community of children were very well behaved and always ate their glop glorpp (a mars vegetable similar to broccoli). The moms never ask for a day off, as their sole purpose in life, regardless of what planet they are on, is to love and support their children.
As time has passed, the population that the moms were aiding has aged and are now contributing members of society. This has begun to cause problems. Meek Throp, Chief Electrical Passerby, told us “The moms love it here, a bit too much. We have begun to run out of things for them to do, so they have started reorganizing random citizen’s rooms, this has been causing a lot of Grant yonicks to go missing”. It should be noted for those unfamiliar, a Grant yonick is sort of like a screw driver but in the shape of a fractal. Mry. Throp has brought this problem to the council of Hummus inspectors, to see what they think should be done about this lack of wards the moms have. The council has decided to go in two different directions.
First, they have begun abducting children. Since the first ad campaign the community leaders have watched more earth media and have discovered that kids like white vans, and often will hop into any available white vans at the drop of a hangflap knapsack (similar to a hat but more narrow, a mohawk hat if you will). So, they have begun parking white vans all over the place to grab some kids and then transport them to mars. You, the reader, are probably familiar with the most prominent person from mars on this planet, Elon Musk. When his son with all of the strange characters was born, it was a secret message to send more Martians to collect children. Mars has also used him as a cover so no one is surprised when rockets are launched and go to Mars. You are probably asking about the perseverance rover by now, well that is easy to explain, it is here but it is in what they call the death zone, that is where no one lives and nothing really happens.
The second tactic is through another ad campaign. Since their first ad campaign they have had years to study our ad culture and realized we often like shorter content or often even still images. They have begun putting ads on all of our electronic devices. You have probably seen some of their ads. Many of them are centered around the idea of “hot milfs in our area”. We are not quite sure if they know what milf stands for but at this point they have already paid for the ads so it might be a little late to tell them what it means. Overall, Mars no longer needs moms, Mars needs Children and anyone interested in MILFs.
At the Pittiful News, we pride ourselves at sharing the truest fake news possible, and as such are completely appalled at the truest true news shared by the Pitt News. We cannot stand to let such seriousness be spread amongst the student body. We NEED to get a little silly.
And so, we at the Pittiful News would like to present to you, what absolutely did not without a doubt happen to our dear friend Steve Juun during his romantic affair with the novel Coronavirus (in chronological order):
He did not need to walk up Cardiac Hill after getting a positive test for a highly infectious disease that makes breathing harder, he got a horse drawn carriage up to the fraternity mansions on Upper Campus.
He was given a free t-shirt, which was very soft and very flattering to his figure.
He was served a single spoon of mashed potatoes.
A free hoverboard was delivered to his door to take him to his online classes.
He was given a box of his favorite candy, Sour Patch Kids.
The Gallighator hand-delivered him a PS5 but without any games because he sucks.
Pitt Dining gave him unlimited dining dollars, ONLY for off-campus use.
He was given daily visits from the many therapy animals including but not limited to: rabbits, dogs, cats, birds, mice, cockroaches (unintentionally), and turtles.
His student Hulu account (with ads) was upgraded to a more expensive Hulu account (without ads).
A small frog fell in love with him and promised to turn into his dream monarch with a single kiss.
Pitt paid for a Tinder Gold membership for him.
He was canonized by Pope Francis, despite not being dead yet.
He was visited by the Sexy Jar Jar Binks that lives on Upper Campus.
A personal choir of Christmas carolers moved in to serenade his showers.
He was legally adopted by an Olympic medal-winning horse.
He was given a starring role in the next Guillermo del Toro movie.
He was granted immunity to the common cold.
He was given tangle-proof Christmas lights.
Robin Williams granted him three genie wishes but allowed him to wish for more wishes.
A professional manicurist replaced his fingernails with gold leaf.
The reincarnated spirit of George Washington granted him the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
Both Queen Elizabeth II of England AND King [REDACTED] of Sweden knighted him for his service.
Dean Bonner invited him to his exclusive Honors College orgies.
Donald Trump awarded him a small loan of 1 million dollars.
Jif Peanut Butter gave him a lifetime supply of peanut butter pre-spread on all his sandwiches, bagels, and pickles.
The Department of Housing furnished his dorm with seventeen mattresses (with sheets spun from gold by Rumplestiltskin himself) stacked on top of each other, with a single pea underneath.
Tyler moved in (and they were roommates).
His new roommate Tyler learned he was immune to COVID.
But immediately after, Steve was transferred to a Vegas hotel for his quarantine.
The carolers moved with him. Tyler remained in the dorm, but shortly after contracted the common cold and has been promoted to deceased status.
His parent (the horse) was flown out to bring him the entirely new set of supplies the Associate Dean had sent out to him.
His test turned out to be a false positive, he only had contracted a small cough from his Juul™.
Lord Tyler Sikov, Juun’s former roommate, was unavailable for comment when the Pittiful News reached out.