How to Save the Environment

By the Writers of the Pittiful News

  • Murder Someone 
  • Reuse Paper:
    • Old Documents such as Taxes, Parking Tickets, Famous Paintings
  • Totes Use tote bags to carry all your groceries, purchased or unpurchased. As well as any small dogs, leftover food in trash cans, or knives you find laying around
    • the bloodier the better
  • Walk places. 
  • Upcycle some of your old bed sheets into fashionable dresses. Even the ones with mysterious stains on them. 
  • Downcycle old clothing into quilts for the entire lifecycle
  • Don’t exhale. 
    • Alternatively, breathe backwards. Like a plant.
  • No food, no farts.  Halt your methane production with fasting.
  • Vacuum up all the world’s oceans so that no one can pollute them.
    • Or just put a filter in the pool. Big pool.
  • Flip your condoms inside out for a second use
  • Live in a shed in the woods
    • Or just the woods
  • Destroy any non-electric cars
    • All cars
  • Contract tuberculosis.
  • Stop using toilets. Shit in a hole instead.
    • Save the trees. No toilet paper.
  • Eat out.
    • Brought to you by your local lesbian association
  • Kill a second person
  • Move to another galaxy
  • Give the environment a first aid kit 
  • Sacrifice Brendon Urie to the environmental overlords
    • Would you call that the death of a bachelor
      • WOAH
  • Eat mushrooms
  • Scavenge for mushrooms in the woods with small picnic baskets
  • Pick berries and say hello to the animals
  • Just absorb the energy of the earth and sit on moss 
  • Grow moss on your body instead of wearing clothes. 
  • Kill off everyone above 65, once you retire, you are no use to society anymore
  • Kill off everyone under 18, they’re no use to society anyway. 
  • Become a cactus so you use less water
  • Eat less meat
    • OR exclusively eat things that you find dumpster diving 
  • Let mushrooms eat you
  • Eat worms for protein
  • Do it faster
  • Kill all white people
  • Get one of those filters that turns your pee into water and uh…
    • slurp
  • Use plastic straws instead of metal so the turtles have something to eat 
    • Or, controversial opinion, bring the cup to your mouth and skip the straw step
  • Take some ice cubes from your freezer and put them outside to stop the globe from warming
  • Kill frequent sneezers to conserve energy
  • No heaters. Just hugs.
    • or living in the carcass of a large animal. It’s like a super hug.
      • Leonardo DiCaprio ghost wrote this 
  • Stop using toothbrushes. And toothpaste.
  • Don’t shower – go for a swim in the refreshing Pittsburgh river triad
  •  Apologize to your local trees for all the paper you’ve wasted on failed attempts at drawing Dan and Phil fanart. 
  • Don’t waste electricity by plugging in your phone. Buy a new phone every time your old one dies. 
  • Kill off people who don’t love cats
    • Brought to you by PETA
  • Use book pages as toilet paper
  • Save air and stop commenting on how large my mcdonalds order is when we go through the drive-thru together please
  • Befriend local bacteria.
  • We need to stop using spoken language and start tap dancing in Morse code as our primary form of communication.  
  • Eat plastic. 
  • Tinder is a huge power-waster. Just fornicate with friends.
    • From the makers of Words With Friends: Fornicate With Friends!
  • Eat Pokemon.
  • The only machine you should use is a local beefcake.
  • Use another person as your mask in order to not have the plastic mask waste in your carbon footprint
  • Wear shoes a size smaller 
    • Makes your carbon footprint smaller
    • Also uses less materials
  • Have smaller children.
    • Kill them off early, too.
  • Have smaller dogs. 
  • Kill a third person

The true fake story of the first Pitt student to get COVID-19

By the writers of The Pittiful News, Original Article

😼

At the Pittiful News, we pride ourselves at sharing the truest fake news possible, and as such are completely appalled at the truest true news shared by the Pitt News. We cannot stand to let such seriousness be spread amongst the student body. We NEED to get a little silly. 

And so, we at the Pittiful News would like to present to you, what absolutely did not without a doubt happen to our dear friend Steve Juun during his romantic affair with the novel Coronavirus (in chronological order):

  • He did not need to walk up Cardiac Hill after getting a positive test for a highly infectious disease that makes breathing harder, he got a horse drawn carriage up to the fraternity mansions on Upper Campus.
  • He was given a free t-shirt, which was very soft and very flattering to his figure.
  • He was served a single spoon of mashed potatoes.
  • A free hoverboard was delivered to his door to take him to his online classes.
  • He was given a box of his favorite candy, Sour Patch Kids.
  • The Gallighator hand-delivered him a PS5 but without any games because he sucks.
  • Pitt Dining gave him unlimited dining dollars, ONLY for off-campus use.
  • He was given daily visits from the many therapy animals including but not limited to: rabbits, dogs, cats, birds, mice, cockroaches (unintentionally), and turtles.
  • His student Hulu account (with ads) was upgraded to a more expensive Hulu account (without ads).
  • A small frog fell in love with him and promised to turn into his dream monarch with a single kiss.
  • Pitt paid for a Tinder Gold membership for him.
  • He was canonized by Pope Francis, despite not being dead yet.
  • He was visited by the Sexy Jar Jar Binks that lives on Upper Campus.
  • A personal choir of Christmas carolers moved in to serenade his showers.
  • He was legally adopted by an Olympic medal-winning horse.
  • He was given a starring role in the next Guillermo del Toro movie.
  • He was granted immunity to the common cold.
  • 😼
  • He was given tangle-proof Christmas lights.
  • Robin Williams granted him three genie wishes but allowed him to wish for more wishes.
  • A professional manicurist replaced his fingernails with gold leaf.
  • The reincarnated spirit of George Washington granted him the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
  • Both Queen Elizabeth II of England AND King [REDACTED] of Sweden knighted him for his service.
  • Dean Bonner invited him to his exclusive Honors College orgies.
  • Donald Trump awarded him a small loan of 1 million dollars.
  • Jif Peanut Butter gave him a lifetime supply of peanut butter pre-spread on all his sandwiches, bagels, and pickles.
  • The Department of Housing furnished his dorm with seventeen mattresses (with sheets spun from gold by Rumplestiltskin himself) stacked on top of each other, with a single pea underneath.
  • Tyler moved in (and they were roommates).
  • His new roommate Tyler learned he was immune to COVID.
  • But immediately after, Steve was transferred to a Vegas hotel for his quarantine.
  • The carolers moved with him. Tyler remained in the dorm, but shortly after contracted the common cold and has been promoted to deceased status.
  • His parent (the horse) was flown out to bring him the entirely new set of supplies the Associate Dean had sent out to him.
  • His test turned out to be a false positive, he only had contracted a small cough from his Juul.

Lord Tyler Sikov, Juun’s former roommate, was unavailable for comment when the Pittiful News reached out. 

Songs That the Pittiful News Writers Have Stuck In Their Heads Right Now

By: the writers of the Pittiful News 

Try and match the songs with the writers! (email us with your results at pittifulnews@gmail.com, subject line fw:fw:fw: Cousin Nathan’s Bar Mitzvah and how the left is destroying the world) 

  1. The hollow ringing sound of putting my metal straw into my metal tumbler in the middle of the night when I’m trying to not wake my roommate up as I have my midnight skim milk 
  2. Santa Tell Me by Ariana Grande
  3. King Tut by Steve Martin
  4. WAP (Medieval Remix)
  5. Tequila by The Champs
  6. O Canada sung by Fergie (if at first you don’t succeed…)
  7. A low beating from inside the walls, as if someone were begging to be let out. 
  8. Margaritaville by Jimmy Buffet
  9. Margaritaville by Jimmy Buffet, but every line ends with sponge cake
  10. Brick House by the Commodores
  11. The Kill Bill sirens
  12. Soulja Boy’s 2008 hit, Kiss Me Thru The Phone, but only the phone number part
  13. The Weenie Man song
  14. Cheeseburger in Paradise by Jimmy Buffett
  15. It’s 5 O’Clock Somewhere by Jimmy Buffett
  16. *ominous Latin chanting*
  17. Two Trucks
  18. A horde of local theater kids’ rendition of Seasons of Love from RENT
  19. The sirens in the background of Bonfire by Childish Gambino. No, mom, this doesn’t have any deeper meaning.
  20. Atomic Dog by George Clinton (you may know this little ditty from the cinematic masterpiece that is Legally Blonde 2: Red, White, and Blonde)
  21. lofi hip hop radio beats to relax/study to
  22. The ear-splitting “YUM” that comes from the speakers at my local Red Robin every 30 minutes
  23. Trap bangers about cocaine as I walk through my majority-white upper class suburb
  24. Sweet Caroline but with the Migos vocals from Carpool Karaoke
  25. Contemporary Christian rock
  26. The sounds of the phone number for the closest pizza place being dialed, only to realize it’s been closed for 40 years
  27. Avatar’s Love, but sad
  28. The concept of a zucchini being thrown at a cat
  29. A math teacher being stabbed multiple times because she said that she could explain something multiple ways but continues to only explain it one way
  30. Yer A Wizard Harry but he keeps saying Harry is more things
  31. I’m A Barbie Girl sung by the Russian military
  32. North Korean accordion music
  33. Any song by Weird Al Yankovic 
  1. Tyler
  2. Abby
  3. Morgan
  4. Ella
  5. Savnah (edited for space)
  6. Evan
  7. Sarah
  8. Eric
  9. Jermy Jordan
  10. Tyler but with a knife in his hand
  11. Ivana Tinkle
  12. Jerry Sandusky’s goldfish
  13. That one Denny’s waitress who gave me extra ranch without asking and I subsequently fell in love with her
  14. Steve Buscemi
  15. Maxamillion Von Hammerslag
  16. Perry the Platypus, sans fedora
  17. Sans Undertale, wearing a fedora
  18. Pittiful News Writer #6
  19. Lionel Richie
  20. Kermit the Frog
  21. Steve Buscemi (but in comic sans) (font changed for formatting purposes)
  22. President Vladimir Putin
  23. KGB leader Vladimir Putin
  24. Ex and Future Prime Minister Vladimir Putin
  25. Once and Future King Pladimir Vutin
  26. Legolas Greenleaf
  27. Charles Entertainment Cheese
  28. Tyler, but this time he is talking about empires of the steppe
  29. Tyler, but this time he’s a spider who won the popular vote for president but was then sent to jail, this of course is a possible outcome of the upcoming election, vote Alfred E. Newman for president
  30. Alfred E. Newman
  31. You
  32. Jerry Seinfeld
  33. A Yankee Candle employee

An Incomplete List of Sandwich Ingredients

By Tyler Sikov, Savannah Teman, Sonya Acharya

  1. Bread
  2. Soap
  3. Soup
  4. Hot Sauce
  5. Cheese-Itz
  6. Fitbit watches
  7. Sunset Dream Yankee Candles
  8. Head n’ Shoulders 5-in-1 Men’s Shampoo, Conditioner, Body Wash, Face Wash, and Sunscreen (SPF 613) with AXE scent
  9. Pomegranates
  10. Whole sticks of celery
  11.  Anti-inflammatory medications
  12.  Rice that’s crunchy on the outside
  13. Multiple decks of cards
  14. Bananas
  15. Bandanas
  16. Savannahs
  17. BEES
  18. Pencils
  19. Flatbread pizza
  20. Diamonds
  21. A Sandwich
  22. Hard Boiled eggs
  23. A Tesla Cyber truck
  24. Double stuffed baked potatoes
  25. Your tongue
  26. Russian nesting dolls
  27. Hershey’s™ kisses
  28. Airpods
  29. Cat toys
  30. Under armour quarter zips

 

Everything We Know About This Year’s iPhone

By Zach Hartman

iphone-x-54

Apple is rumored to have announced this year’s iteration of the iPhone at their event earlier today. Usually the content of these announcements is a tightly-kept secret until much after the event. We at The Pittiful News, however, have compiled some information about what we think will be announced through various rumors, leaks, and predictions. Here’s what we know:

  • It’ll be shiny
  • It will be made of metal and glass
  • You can call people on it
  • Maybe even text them too
  • It’ll have apps
  • And probably a screen of some sort
  • And at least one camera
  • It will have a battery life
  • It will support AirPods so you can continue to flex on the hoes
  • Siri is still a bitch
  • You already want it, but can’t afford it
  • It comes in a box
  • It also comes with Apple stickers
  • It has a fruit on the back, but do not eat it.
  • It gives the use the power of telecommunication
  • You still will never get a signal in the Cathedral

Wow, this year’s iPhone sure sounds like a killer. Isn’t it amazing how fast technology changes? What will Silicon Valley think of next?