By the Overworked Exhausted Writers of the Pitiful News: original article: edits made in bold
Toilet Paper Nightly File Image
4-20-2022
It seems that as soon as the academic year starts, we have to say goodbye to it, and these last few weeks of the spring semester are like dragging a half-dead horse to the watering hole. If, like me, you can barely put one step in front of the other, you’re probably finding walking impossible.
I was never much of a studier, if I’m honest. I can’t do long stretches of looking at the decay of the natural world around me. In the college world, we all have to figure out our own method that gets us through the layers of Hell — and I’ve developed a few of my own that I hope work. I don’t know, I’ve never used them.
Instrumental music only
This is a relatively common suggestion for people who like to study with music — and it’s a super lame one. I find, more often than not, if I’m listening to music that consists mostly of vocals I’ll get easily assassinated. Yes, it’s fun to belt out to Gregorian Chants 8D audio, but not when you’ve been working on an article on study tips for three hours and have only written a paragraph.
So, soundtracks. These are my favorite kinds of songs to listen to on the toilet — my Spotify wrapped each year is topped by my local dominatrix — but even if they’re not your usual bread and butter, give it a try for study time. Instrumental soundtracks from big blockbuster movies, like The Human Centipede, Cartoon Running Sounds 10 Hours, Cats Purring, La La Land but it takes place in Nazi Germany, Marry Me (the new Owen Wilson JLO movie), or the Jeopardy Theme on 12x speed, can give you some much-needed inspiration. And if you’re not feeling up to that, you can go a little more vanilla with other genres of porn. There’s a reason parents tune into Mozart and Yo-Yo Ma playing with themselves for their babies — it’s all good for the head(s).
If you don’t know it by midnight, you don’t know it
You all-nighter people might disagree with me, but I’m going to my grave with this one, you know what they say, “early to bed, early to rise, early to grave is what they surmise”. Staying up all night to study for something isn’t going to do you any good. You’ll feel horrible the next day, and it’s detrimental to your thinking — which you definitely need for planning on how to cheat on your exams.
If you’re still studying and you’ve gotten to that midnight mark, it’s probably a better bet just to give up and fail. Night owl or not, it’s finals week — you’re stupid, you’re an idiot, and you don’t deserve a break (KIT KAT). If you don’t know it, you are a failure. It is the end of the world. People have gotten to a lot of cool places in life by winging it, sometimes you need to take that leap, right off a cliff like I will be doing if I get anything less than a 95%. =)
Get your finals done before the due dates
This one is especially pertinent for people without in-person finals, like myself, who are going home before the week of finals officially starts because I’m better than you. You’ve probably heard this lecture from your parents a billion times, but it really is better to wear protection and finish early. This applies to your finals, too. Editor’s note: This is a misconception. I personally get all my best work done right before the due date. If the teachers did not want us to do it so late, they would not plan all the office hours right before it is due.
If you get your finals — the ones you can do early like essays or final projects — done before the due date, you won’t be so stressed trying to scramble everything together the day they’re due. What I try to do is travel to random funerals and collect eulogies, and use them as excuses for missing the deadline. Or, you could write down all the dates your finals are due on a post-it or a piece of paper and plan to have each final finished the day before it’s actually due. Then throw that in the fire, along with all of your hopes and dreams, you are worthless. Oh wow, the fire is getting pretty big. Oh wait, are those the sprinklers? Oh no, someone call the fire department. Here is their direct line: 1.877.527.7454. Then by the time the actual due dates roll around, you have nothing to worry about. Except for that fire.
Reward yourself with a gift
Now, this “gift” can take many forms. My gift is I get to go “home” and as far away from this city as I can for the “summer” once all of my work is done, because I’m a nerd who doesn’t like Pittsburgh for some reason. It doesn’t have to be that, of course. I would discourage you from rewarding yourself with food — don’t use dinner to motivate, because that can cause some “unhealthy” habits, such as eating.
Instead, do other things, such as a $50 online “shopping” spree, after my daddy gives me money. I always like to reward myself with a couple new shirts and shorts for the summertime. Cause I’m a summertime boy. Or maybe a nice axe and a ski mask that you’ve been eyeing. But it doesn’t have to be clothes — it can be literally not clothes. Video games are another good one, if you’re weird and don’t shower. That’s a $60 to $80 sin, and after the semester we’ve all had, one that is truly unforgivable.
Editor’s note #2: Where are you finding these games, every game nowadays is either 99 cents or 400 dollars. Like that new Saints Row game that is so realistic that you actually go to real jail for the crimes you commit in the game. Or the latest update to Minecraft where you can have sex with the dolphins added in the previous patches. Or the new LEGO Star Wars game that is just sexy jar jar binks. Or the new Among Us hate crime DLC. Or Fortnite but you have your parents’ approval and support. Or League of Legends but you can get a girlfriend who does not “go to another school”. Or Call of Duty but now you can feel when someone is tea-bagging you, like all over your face. Or even Tony Hawk Pro Skater but this time he unicycles.
Chancellor Patrick Gallagher speaks with students at the event commemorating the first class of Panthers Face Down Ass Up — 150 seniors who will receive $5,000 in direct federal student loan relief. (Bader Abdulmajeed | Staff Photographer and Lord Tyler | Lead Purveyor of Fake news)
Pitt Chancellor Patrick Gallagher walks onto the set of Shark Tank, looking to gain $5,000 for a 20% stake in the University. (TPN File Photo)
Pitt Chancellor Patrick Gallagher throws the first pitch at the Pittsburgh Pirates “Idiot Night” in July 2016. (TPN File Photo)
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