The Best Things To Do While Sheltering in Place

By the writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Most Famous Tik Tok account, The Pittiful News)

  • Put yourself into a dryer
    • With shelter in place, we are all missing the classic thrills of city life and friendship. But do not fret! Excitement can be found even in the grody basement of your dorm building. Load yourself into a campus dryer and have a friend start the cycle. At the cost of just one Panther Buck, enjoy all the dips and dives of a regular roller coaster, right from where you live!
  • Fervently email Dean Kenyon Bonner
    • He is the only one who can save us. He holds the key to the golden gates of salvation. Please, Kenyon. 
  • Play hide and seek with your roommate!
    • I haven’t seen him in days. Please, if anybody knows where he is, you need to tell me right away. I’ve called the police and they can’t find him either. Who knows where he could be. All he left behind was an intergalactic map hidden in an R2D2 droid. (My roommate is Luke Skywalker).
  • Apply for Jobs
    • The best jobs are the ones you are never going to do, like being a strike breaker at a Kellogs factory, or the under Secretary of State.  
  • Create an alternate personality
    • Feeling tired of being you? Would you describe your state of being as agonizing or full of terror? Well, you freak, our doctors can simulate the symptoms of split personality disorder through a chain reaction of electric shocks and slam poetry memorization. Choose your buzzwords, and you can start fresh out of the womb once again!
  •  Be in place, but do not shelter
    • Just stand outside as the snow falls around you. It will be cold. That is ok. It is supposed to be cold. Let the numbness overtake you. Eventually, as the light fades, the Snow Demons will come for you. They will take you to a better place.
  • Tell the maintenance people you’ve locked yourself out
    • Let’s face it, Shelter in Place can be very isolating. Sometimes, you just need a friend! Hide your room key in a drawer, walk outside and close the door. Give a call to Panther Central! Have a quick talk as the nice man unlocks your door. With one door closed, the door to two friendships have opened! 
  • Fall in love
    • There are 2 options for this idea, the first is to fall in love with yourself. The second is to find someone you are sheltering in place with and pretend you are on Love island and progress your relationship from meeting to marriage in 3 weeks. 
  • Hunger
    • Hunger
  • Thirst
    • Thirst
  • Repent
    • Repent
  • Start a blog
    • Trick yourself into believing in your own self-importance and try thinking that someone cares about any of the nonsense you have to say! You could maybe start a podcast instead, but it’s not like you have any friends to co host. 
  • Make some Music
    • Use anything you own to make loud noises all hours of the day and the night. Your neighbors may not like you very much but what are they going to do, they are not allowed to leave their room. Worst comes to worst you could tell them you have covid and then lick them, that should occupy a good amount of their time.
  • Binge watch the Marvel cinematic universe
    • It’s not like you have anything else to do.
      • Wait I am just being told you have classes and homework, well, sucks to suck I guess  
  • Vote!
    • Participate in the democratic process. It means something. It… it has to. 
  • Read that thing
    • You know, the really depressing story you wrote for one class and now see it kinda like a goodbye letter to life itself. Read it and reflect on how far you have come, and then write another story at this point in your life similar to the one you read but more positive so that when the next pandemic inevitably makes us shelter in place again you can read that story and reflect once again on your own personal growth.
  • Spend time with your cat
    • The university may try to tell you that you can not have pets in on campus housing but I assure you that you can. There is nothing better than a nice warm cat at the end of a long day, also cats smell nice.
  • Join a cult
    • Squares may tell you that the pandemic has had a negative impact on cults but they would be wrong. During these trying times cults have adapted just like any other group to have virtual meetings. This makes 11 articles, only 655 more articles about cults until I hit the number of the beast – The Lord  

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