Our plans for the January 6th Insurrection 2: Election Steal-a-roo: The Squeakuel

By the Writers of the Pitiful News(Formerly the PitBossiful News)

us_capitol - ClarocityVS
  • Seize the Means of Production  
  • Seize the Means of Reproduction  
  • Seize the Means of Breast Reduction  
  • Feather boa the Lincoln memorial (it’s like TP-ing but with feather boas)
  • LARP Among Us tournament with the boys in the capitol
  • Book every greyhound bus seat into DC for the 5th and 6th so that no 2021-style insurrectionists can reach the capitol, leaving room for our yass
  • Go rogue and start giving counter-protesters booster shots because despite our differences in political leanings, we still care about their health and wellbeing (with a few exceptions)
  • Play those edited videos of Donald Trump talking that put words together so he is singing Let it Go from Frozen or similar songs of childhood whimsy
  • Demand that Jen Psaki come out for a quick game of zip zap zop–if we win the voting rights bill automatically passes and the filibuster is no more
  • Hide small Bluetooth speakers all around the chamber and play funny sounds
    • Fart noises
    • Party Rock Anthem
    • WAP
    • My Neck, My back (Lick it) Acoustic version 
    • etc.
  • Piss n’ Shit 
  • Trojan horse Bernie into the Oval Office
  • Release Wolves
  • On January 5th, enter the capitol building and hide in the vents overnight so we can pop out and give Congress members heart attacks 
  • Big Commie Cuddle Pile (demsoc also included, didn’t have the same ring to it)
  • Mommy made me mash my M&M’s 
    • And skittles
  • Put our phone flashlights on and sway to the armed forces medley  
  • Switch our phones to light mode 
  • Ask Joe Biden if he is #army, offer him commander in chief position if he says yes
  • Release a fleet of hamsters in balls to storm the Whitehouse, they can squeeze under the fence 
  • Did you know, most cells in prisons are electronically locked? Did you also know that we have some elite hackers in this organization?  Well, we are going to hack into a number of prisons and release all of the inmates, causing havoc. Since the released people will then be indebted to us they will storm the capitol, and they will be more vicious because they have nothing to lose, if they get caught they are just going right back into prison, where they could be broken out again to rinse and repeat   
  • Break into the District Attorney of The United States’s office and release all of the files from the Ghislaine Maxwell trial  
  • Flarpy Blunderguff with AOC, with lots of peanut butter, nutella, blueberry preserves, and dark chocolate almond butter  
  • Educate the Congress memberts (they have no idea who they are) about what the real Holocaust was like with the informational powerpoint I made in 4th grade when I started learning in depth the horrors of what happened  
  • Bring a piano on wheels that I have retrofitted a motor to so it can drive it self and avoid my capture while I play various songs 
    • Making my way downtown (A Thousand Miles)
    • Life is a Highway (From the Movie Cars)
    • Piano Man
    • Any song from the Sim’s albums
  • Book every college acapella group to perform in the houses of congress  
  • Slow dance with my cat as a method of Filibustering  

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