By The Writers of the Pitiful (Formerly the Puntiful news) News
- Your mom, lol
- Drugs
- Party
- Darty
- Tardy
- Spending an ungodly amount of time scrolling through Indeed, as if it were social media.
- And Zillow, the Instagram for adults
- Professional choreographer of TikTok dances
- Unemployed, something which my theater degree has prepared me well for
- Strupper
- Scrubber
- Stabber
- Scabber. Scabs
- Slobber
- Scrat
- The little dude from Ice Age :)
- Watch all of the Ice Age movies back to back
- Hunter-gatherer
- Peanut
- Lord Tyler Sikov
- Feudal lord
- Serf
- Nerf
- Or Nothing
- Making sweaters for cats
- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
- Member of Parliament
- Squirrel
- Cannibal
- Cult leader
- Boba tea taster
- Fetish gear tester
- Fetish gear maker
- Talk to my therapist even more, with all this time on my hands
- Pet goldfish
- Twisted fucking cycle path
- Ironically start an OnlyFans, unironically make bank
- Unironically start an OnlyFans, ironically make bank
- Presidential assassin
- City street whore
- Capitalist tm
- Start trying to brainwash myself into having a Russian accent
- Cross things off my bucket list
- #1: Get a bucket
- Math textbook writer
- Reinvigorate my love for boy bands by following their solo careers
- Backstreet Boy
- A Beatle
- A Rolling Stone
- An Eagle
- One Fifth of a Direction
- A Second of Summer
- Boy 1 Man
- Freak show attraction
- Fry grease guzzler
- Try to think
- Timmy Turner: Perpetual Schooler of Undetermined Level
- Leper
- Hello Kitty’s handler
- Doctor Who
- Get COVID-19, while it lasts
- Bass Pro Shops customer service associate
- Porn star
- Happy meal toy
- Be racist
- Be racism
- Bee racist
- Beer acist
- Be homophobic
- – Rainbow Alliance president
- Steal rainbows
- CEO of MyPillow
- Decode the YouTube algorithm
- Glue stick eater
- Your mom, again
- Live, Laugh, and Love
The Pitiful News 