What will the Pitiful News be doing after we graduate??

By The Writers of the Pitiful (Formerly the Puntiful news) News

• Your mom, lol
• Drugs
• Party
• Darty 
• Tardy 
• Spending an ungodly amount of time scrolling through Indeed, as if it were social media.
  • And Zillow, the Instagram for adults
• Professional choreographer of TikTok dances
• Unemployed, something which my theater degree has prepared me well for  
• Strupper 
• Scrubber
• Stabber
• Scabber. Scabs
• Slobber
• Scrat
  • The little dude from Ice Age :)
• Watch all of the Ice Age movies back to back
• Hunter-gatherer 
• Peanut
• Lord Tyler Sikov 
• Feudal lord
• Serf
• Nerf
  • Or Nothing
• Making sweaters for cats
• AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
• Member of Parliament 
• Squirrel
• Cannibal
• Cult leader
• Boba tea taster
• Fetish gear tester
• Fetish gear maker
• Talk to my therapist even more, with all this time on my hands
• Pet goldfish
• Twisted fucking cycle path
• Ironically start an OnlyFans, unironically make bank
  • Unironically start an OnlyFans, ironically make bank
• Presidential assassin
• City street whore
• Capitalist tm
• Start trying to brainwash myself into having a Russian accent
• Cross things off my bucket list
  • #1: Get a bucket
• Math textbook writer
• Reinvigorate my love for boy bands by following their solo careers
  • Backstreet Boy
  • A Beatle
  • A Rolling Stone
  • An Eagle
  • One Fifth of a Direction
  • A Second of Summer
  • Boy 1 Man
• Freak show attraction
• Fry grease guzzler
• Try to think
• Timmy Turner: Perpetual Schooler of Undetermined Level
• Leper 
• Hello Kitty’s handler
• Doctor Who
• Get COVID-19, while it lasts 
• Bass Pro Shops customer service associate
• Porn star
• Happy meal toy
• Be racist
• Be racism
• Bee racist
• Beer acist
• Be homophobic
  • – Rainbow Alliance president
• Steal rainbows
• CEO of MyPillow
• Decode the YouTube algorithm
• Glue stick eater
• Your mom, again
• Live, Laugh, and Love

Places to go when you can’t study abroad

By Savannah Teman

Upper campus. The culture there is just so different. Like they like to brag about being up there and all and then complain about having to actually GO back up there.

Downtown. I know this doesn’t sound very fun or like you’ll get any new experiences, but just sit on any street, preferably on the ground, and ask people random questions to see how they react. Something like “Would you like to speak about our Lord?” or “You need drugs?” The people are completely different in this strange world. 

Back home. It already sounds like they don’t want us here, with them forcing us to literally stay home after our first break, so why not just get a head start and take up some studying there. I’m sure you can figure it out.

The O. If you just sit in it and pretend it’s still there, it’s almost like it never left.

Penn State. It’s like the Little Italy of Little Italy. They even have their own kind of gelato, but they call it “ice cream”. And Pizza. Very cultural. 

Just Outside of Philly.

The dean’s office. I’m sure Kenyon won’t mind. Just make sure you bring a sacrifice.

Kennywood. They literally close tomorrow.

The Pete. A socially distanced man gives you chicken through a window up there. Plus I hear exercise can improve memory and focus. Get moving.

Bigel — ohh. Nevermind.

ZoomZealand

ZoomTaly

ZoomPan

ZoomLlanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch