Things you didn’t notice happened this week because you were distracted by the satellite crash

By the Writers of the Pitiful News ( formerly the PitTiful Flu’s)

  • Melinda Gates (TW: Girlboss) figured out her worth, but only in body not in property
  • Joe Biden died after sleeping for too long
    • We have decided to make a memorial for Joe called Boe Jiden
  • 2010 MySpace scene fashion is making a comeback. Get your studded belts out of the closet babes.
  • I looked hot. Can’t believe you guys didn’t even notice.
  • Uggs are back in style
  • Richard pulled out the bike and went for a ride because the weather was finally nice
  • Scooby Doo died in a tragic car accident
  • The Tramp Stamps were revealed to not be an industry plant
  • Garrett Watts turned his bedroom into a 90s oasis
  • Your dad looked GNC as fuck.
  • I stole your husband (and his money). 
  • I carved my name into the side of his pretty little souped-up four wheel drive, carved my name into his leather seats
    • I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights, and slashed a hole in all four tires 
  • 3 kajillion people said that Saturday Night Live used to be good, all referring to one skit from the 80’s that somehow became a commonly used reference
  • Pet a corgi for the first time ever! Yes, it was as good as I hoped it would be.
  • Taylor Swift dropped three new albums 
  • The impostor was discovered.
  • I became gay.
  • This bussy popped severely and yours did not
  • Trisha Paytas became the president of a small country  
  • Kamala Harris personally bombed Trisha Paytas’ small country, citing “survival of the fittest” among girlbosses 
  • I went and popped some tags
  • Tyra Banks hosted the first annual Hunger Games 
  • They figured out time travel 
  • I joined an MLM scheme by accident and am now thousands of dollars in debt. Anyways can I interest you today in learning about a little company called Lularoe—
  • Joe Biden pulled a Jimmy Carter and told a gathering of Polish people that he desired them carnally and that he had left the US to never return
    • Same, lol
  • Walked up to the club and said I have a large rooster  
  • I hosted SNL. 
  • Mother’s Day was celebrated, to the excitement of MILF lovers everywhere
  • Went to the thrift shop
  • Forbes Tobacco ran out of all the damn Newports. Fuck the FDA.
  • I got a cavity.
  • I fell in love. I went on this lovely picnic with this girl. We rolled down the hill and just froliced. You might be thinking this is a strange item on this list as it is nice.
    • She wore a turban the whole time and I am excited to see what her hair looks like
    • She invited me over and removed the headdress and many tiny eyes began to glow
    • *loud thud sound of a love sick boy turning into stone* 
  • The word “smurgloid” was added to the dictionary
  • That tall red-head girl from Phineas and Ferb died. What was her name again?
    • The triangle one killed her.
    • Where’s Perry
  • Savannah got her laundry!

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