Lesser known things that went on during the January 6th Insurrection

By the writers of the Pitiful News (formerly the Pittiful Coups, oh, wait, I already made this joke, and there was literally an attempted coup)

  • It was a little chilly.
  • I became your dad.
  • Donald Trump was rebooted to the latest version of iPresident 
  • Shrimp colors were added to the human eye but only for, like, five seconds
    • I thought that was just the LSD I did
  • Sellers of the confederate flag suddenly got very excited 
  • Half-Life 3 was released
  • PETA started raiding D.C. houses and euthanizing goldfish where there were not easily accessible outdoor cats to get their grubby little PETA paws on.
  • I brushed my teeth with my sister’s toothpaste by accident.
  • George Washington briefly came back to life, looked around, said “Fuck this shit”, and promptly died again.
  • They rubbed shit all over the walls
  • Rosanne Barr announced a mayoral run in a Blair Witch style video from Nancy Pelosi’s desk
  • Your mom fell for a multi-level marketing scheme.
  • Thousands of Americans went back to the store to return Christmas gifts
  • Dozens of men discovered the prostate.
  • They burned down the White House… oh wait sorry that was 1814.
  • My phone connected to my car’s bluetooth speaker when my dad went to warm up my car and he discovered that I was listening to an ASMR mukbang on Trisha Paytas’s 18,000th channel: No Talky Trish ASMR.  He was concerned.  
  • The Capitol Building briefly went into giant robot mode before being shut down by an administration that did not want it to defend itself.
  • A wise guru in the Himalayas attained enlightenment, then promptly lost it when he turned on the tv.
  • Donald Trump enjoyed a round of miniature golf with his strangely tall son Barron between his incitement of the insurrection and his tweet “condemning” the insurrection.
  • I found my fried pierogies, they were in the pockets I put them in, my pants from the one time I went to vegas over a decade ago
  • A lone chess player stood between the insurrectionists and the House of Representatives. The insurrectionists had to win a game of chess before they could go on into the chamber. The old chess player, dressed in white robes, exclaimed “You shall not en passant!” before beating every single one of them. Truly heroic.
  • Cupid Shuffle 2 came out 
  • I found my iPod Shuffle
  • Another coup happened in the Central African Republic 
  • Every 60 seconds, a minute passed in Africa
    • With your help we can stop this
  • You guys are not gonna believe this but people threatened democracy 

Things you didn’t notice happened this week because you were distracted by the satellite crash

By the Writers of the Pitiful News ( formerly the PitTiful Flu’s)

  • Melinda Gates (TW: Girlboss) figured out her worth, but only in body not in property
  • Joe Biden died after sleeping for too long
    • We have decided to make a memorial for Joe called Boe Jiden
  • 2010 MySpace scene fashion is making a comeback. Get your studded belts out of the closet babes.
  • I looked hot. Can’t believe you guys didn’t even notice.
  • Uggs are back in style
  • Richard pulled out the bike and went for a ride because the weather was finally nice
  • Scooby Doo died in a tragic car accident
  • The Tramp Stamps were revealed to not be an industry plant
  • Garrett Watts turned his bedroom into a 90s oasis
  • Your dad looked GNC as fuck.
  • I stole your husband (and his money). 
  • I carved my name into the side of his pretty little souped-up four wheel drive, carved my name into his leather seats
    • I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights, and slashed a hole in all four tires 
  • 3 kajillion people said that Saturday Night Live used to be good, all referring to one skit from the 80’s that somehow became a commonly used reference
  • Pet a corgi for the first time ever! Yes, it was as good as I hoped it would be.
  • Taylor Swift dropped three new albums 
  • The impostor was discovered.
  • I became gay.
  • This bussy popped severely and yours did not
  • Trisha Paytas became the president of a small country  
  • Kamala Harris personally bombed Trisha Paytas’ small country, citing “survival of the fittest” among girlbosses 
  • I went and popped some tags
  • Tyra Banks hosted the first annual Hunger Games 
  • They figured out time travel 
  • I joined an MLM scheme by accident and am now thousands of dollars in debt. Anyways can I interest you today in learning about a little company called Lularoe—
  • Joe Biden pulled a Jimmy Carter and told a gathering of Polish people that he desired them carnally and that he had left the US to never return
    • Same, lol
  • Walked up to the club and said I have a large rooster  
  • I hosted SNL. 
  • Mother’s Day was celebrated, to the excitement of MILF lovers everywhere
  • Went to the thrift shop
  • Forbes Tobacco ran out of all the damn Newports. Fuck the FDA.
  • I got a cavity.
  • I fell in love. I went on this lovely picnic with this girl. We rolled down the hill and just froliced. You might be thinking this is a strange item on this list as it is nice.
    • She wore a turban the whole time and I am excited to see what her hair looks like
    • She invited me over and removed the headdress and many tiny eyes began to glow
    • *loud thud sound of a love sick boy turning into stone* 
  • The word “smurgloid” was added to the dictionary
  • That tall red-head girl from Phineas and Ferb died. What was her name again?
    • The triangle one killed her.
    • Where’s Perry
  • Savannah got her laundry!

We Need to Talk About 2021

By Abby Morgan

7 Top Stocks to Play 3 Hot Trends in 2021 | The Motley Fool

Guys. This isn’t ok. 

Like most people, I had high hopes for the new year. If 2020 bad, 2021 good, right? It’s the natural conclusion to draw. So on my socially distanced new years eve get together, when the clock struck midnight, my guests and I immediately ripped off our masks and kissed each other on the mouth. Covid was over, we had made it; or so I thought. 

About a week later, I got a call from a friend of mine who had caught covid. At first I thought I was being pranked. I mean, covid? In 2021? Impossible! But it was true, as I soon discovered after testing positive myself. Apparently we couldn’t just casually kiss our friends again yet. And this, I was willing to accept. Maybe I had gotten it wrong, maybe January 1st wasn’t the day everything was going to change. Because on January 1st, the orange man was still president. So I turned my hope towards the inauguration. Once America’s top girlboss Kamala and sweet innocent ex-racist Joe were in office, covid would surely go running for the hills. 

Not. 

Imagine how shocked I was to find out that on Joe’s first day as president, thousands of people still managed to contract the virus. Unbelievable. I was heartbroken. I had voted, yelled at my friends on facebook, reposted cute instagram infographics to get this man into office, and he couldn’t even do me the solid of ending this suffering? I had plans to go see the music man revival on broadway in february. The one with Sutton Foster!

After about a week of feeling sorry for myself, I decided to do something about it. I focused on what I could control in a situation that felt uncontrollable. And what I could control was my ability to use my parent’s connections to acquire citizenship in Australia. Now, covid seems like a silly thing of the past. And it goes to show you the value of working with what you’ve got in order to overcome insurmountable obstacles. 

So my message for those of you feeling hopeless or depressed about this deadly virus is to simply don’t. Depression is nothing but a mindset, something holding you back from achieving your true potential. Anyways, I’ve got plans to go clubbing. Yeah, that’s right, clubbing. Jealous? I would be too. But stay strong, it’s honestly not that bad as everyone is making it out to be. Thank you for allowing me to share my story with you all. It was hard for me to be this open and vulnerable, but I hope I’ve inspired you all to follow in my footsteps, and become the change you wish to see in the world. 

I have stormed the Capitol

By Lord Tyler Sikov

United States Capitol - Wikipedia

               If you turn the news on right now you will probably hear that many protestors have stormed the capitol building. Just like the amount of people that showed up to Trump’s inauguration, the number of protestors has been greatly exaggerated. It is just me here. I mean the congress members are also here, but I am the only protestor. What am I protesting you might ask; well, I am protesting the injustice that has been perpetrated against penguins. The past several times I have released penguins into the chambers of congress everyone freaked out. Did I toss a few off of the balcony making them land on some senators’ heads, possibly? But they did not react the way I hoped they would so I have infiltrated the capital to lighten the mood by pulling a number of other zany pranks.

               The first prank I am pulling is ding dong ditching the congress members in alphabetical order. I started with Susan Collins and ended with Mitch McConnell. None of them saw it was me, as I was dressed like a mummy mummy. That is a mummy dressed as an old timey British mother. This wacky fool that I pulled did not feel like it got my message across so I moved onto my second prank. I flooded the entire building with laughing gas. This was good as they had run out in the basement dentist’s office and Orin Hatch was getting a root canal. That spoof seemed like something the joker would do, and as I don’t like copying my uncle, I moved onto my next prank quickly.

               I went and found all of the presidential photos. I drew mustaches on the presidents that did not have mustaches and I removed the mustaches from the portraits that had mustaches. This was seeming rather small scale so I decided to step up my game. I went to one of the large open rooms filled with statues. I began to move the statues to different places. But every time I would look back, the statues would be right back where they started. I determined that they had some sort of spell on them similar to the one in the movie Night at the Museum. So, I went and asked nicely if they would move to random places and help me with my wacky hijinks. They happily helped, if there is one thing I know about statues it is that they love pulling pranks.

               This is where the problem began. Capitol police were called to the scene. By this point I had already placed jello recreations of all of the congress members in their seat on the house and senate floor. I also meticulously made jello capitol police, this confused the human police enough for me to escape. The news stations have been painting what I did as an insurrection and claim that I have seditious intent. While I have in the past successfully overthrown the government, this was not one of those time. This is all to say that there may be a few less articles by me for a bit, it all depends on the grand jury’s vote. I have catnapped most of the jury members’ cats for a bit of incentive for them to not indict me.

Flo Rida is the Man

By Lord Tyler and Sarah

Flo Rida sued for not paying child support | Page Six

Flo Rida has gotten away with many crimes at this point. We here at the Pittiful news need to set the record straight. Here is just a taste of what he has done:

  • Entered a convenience store with an alligator and bought 3 kegs 
  • Botched a castration on another man he met on a Eunuch fetish website
  • Was caught with a handful of Trump-shaped ecstasy pills
  • Was caught with a handful of Trump-sized explosive devices
  • Was caught with a handful of Trump-freakish-baby-hand-sized little sticky hands that you fling at the wall
  • Bit a “couple” of toddlers “dozens” of times 
  • Evacuated a walmart after he was caught crawling through the ceiling
  • Committed domestic battery with a thin crust Domino’s pizza
  • Gave an “Aggressive Wet Willy” 
  • Stole 11k votes in tomorrow’s Georgia runoff senate race  
  • Broke into a home and made himself and the homeowners brunch 
  • Attacked a passerby with a sword over a bag of trash 
  • Helped Bush beat Gore by piling raccoons in trenchcoats and having them vote 
  • Burglarized cars while wearing only a hat and a bra
  • Held an entire theater of moviegoers hostage and forced them to watch an entire box set of M*A*S*H* 
  • Hit a McDonald’s worker with his VW Bug for “taking too long” 
  • Purchased a VW Bug
  • Changed his name from Tramar Lacel Dillard 
  • Lingered after a hug for a bit too long 
  • Put the Kraft cheese powder into the still-cooking pot of boiling elbow noodles, failing to drain the box-recommended 6 cups of water beforehand 
  • Dressed as spiderman and power washed roofs   
  • Assaulted a man with ketchup  
  • Played basketball naked, claiming it would improve his skill level
  • Crashed into a cop car while riding a lawnmower with a blood alcohol level of .3
  • Had too many pet rocks
  • Stabbed a man while wearing a bunny costume 

2021 Predictions

By Laird Tiler, Sar Uh, Abbee, Savn

Clues: 

Across: 

4.What will pass this year.

6.Will drop the song that single handedly releases us from the grasp of 2020’s bad juju.

7.What Tyler will win for his tiktoks of his cat Peanut Butter.

8.One of the Pittiful News writers will finally get a kiss from this handsome gentleman underneath the 2021 Christmas mistletoe.

9.Will be discovered as an anagram for “The Writers of the Pittiful News”.

10.The name of your new furry friend.

11.People will finally stop bashing this brand of boot because they finally learned how to wear combat boots correctly (You have to wear tall socks people. You can’t wear ankle socks in boots, that’s why your ankles are torn up.)

15.What franchise will expand tenfold with a series of exciting installments that will enchant and amaze America.

17.This social construct will disappear.

Down:

1.  What law will pass this year.

2. I will get.

3. This article of clothing will make a comeback.

5. My father will complain about ____ to the cat.

12. This hot 2020 trend will make a comeback.

13. The next hot flavor of Activia probiotic yogurt.

14. This person will continue to be my favorite Steeler/TikTok icon.

16. This artist will come back with some more depressing bops.20. The name of the striking gentleman who will join the Pittiful News in 2021.