By Mike Citrola
The newly elected members of Pitt’s Student Government Board expressed confidence in their positions in office as a result of the many make-believe roles they’ve held in the past.
During an exclusive interview with The Pittiful News, the board boasted about their qualifications and the work they’d done to earn them. “It’s no surprise the student body voted me in. I’ve been a leader all my life,” said Nasreen Harun, holding up a picture of herself as a child in a purple, presumably store-bought princess costume. “I led the Kingdom of Snugglemore into battle with the army of American Girl Dolls, so yeah, I’m pretty sure allocating funds to student groups will be a snap.”
All of the new officers emphasized their prior leadership positions. “Anyone doubting my credentials can go suck a bug,” said SGB President, Graeme Meyer. “I’m a natural born leader. How else would I’ve been able to lead the Hebrews out of Egypt’s land? It was hard work, but I can assure you, I’ll bring the same caliber of freedom to the Pitt student community.”
The Pittiful News reminded Meyer that he had not led the Hebrews from Egypt and that was, in fact, the Jewish prophet Moses. Meyers was unfazed by this news. “Of course, I’m not actually Moses. But I went to a neighbor’s Passover Seder once in middle school, and got so into the story of the Haggadah that I pretended to be Moses for, like, 2 weeks. That fantasy was very demanding but it taught me a lot. And when it comes to running a student government, it helps to already have experience pretending to lead a large group.”
His colleagues shared similar sentiments. “I’ve heard worried talks about the new University Senate Council, and I just don’t get it,” said representative Everett Green. “I’m no stranger to working in this type of government agency. Hell, ever since The Phantom Menace came out, I’ve imaginarily worked alongside Yoda AND Mace Windu in the Galactic Senate. I used to have a multi-color lightsaber, but I switched it out for a blue one when I changed my favorite color to blue last year.”
Upon request of any real, non-make-believe qualifications, the SGB threatened to fight The Pittiful News, threw down a smoke bomb and scattered.