A Message About Viewing Midterm Grades

By the writers of the Pitiful News

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Angelic, disembodied Voice of the Provost 

To My Spawn:

The period during which instructors were encouraged to submit midterm grades to be available via PeopleSoft/HighPoint Campus Experience (XCX) was completed on October 19 or you know, whenever they want. Fortunately, midterm grades are not currently viewable through PeopleSofti XCX, but students can view them in “PeopleSoft Classic.” Our resolution by November 2024 is to have midterm grades included in the new PeopleSoft/HighPoint Campus Mega Experience Mark Two Revenge of the UI (HCMXM2RUNxe5).

In order to access mid-term grades via “PeopleSoft Classic,” use the following navigation.

0. Come to terms with the fact you will never see your family and friends again following the viewing of your grades. You will be put into a Witness Protection Program and forced to live in a secret bunker under the Roc statue by the Union. (Pull up on tail to put in access code (Code: 80085)).

.5 Are you REALLY sure you want to see your grades? We’re trying to help you with this warning. It’s for your own good. 

1. Log in to the my.pitt portal and select the PeopleSoft Information for Student System (PISS) button in the shape of a big blue panther (BBP). (If it is not on your dashboard, you can use “Ask Jeeves(AJ) at the top of the page (TotP).)

1.5 Do a barrel roll! (Note: if you don’t perform this step, Pitt will break your kneecaps)

1.51 If Pitt’s Collegiate Dog Brian can do a better barrel roll than you, Brian will break your kneecaps

2. Once in the Sonic Adventures Highpoint CX Dashboard, select “PeopleSoft Full Site” from the bottom of the menu on the left side of the page. (Your camera will be on so we WILL see if you still have to hold up your hands to know which side is left, plebeian).

2.5 Write an essay on why you should be able to see your grades. Please wait 10-20 business days for our people to get back to you.

3. At the top of the PeopleSoft Classic page that appears, please solve the provided crossword in less than 5 minutes, but no more than 3. If that is confusing, you can always [REDACTED]. However, pressing the adjacent button will uninstall your computer’s operating system. We are aware of this issue, and we are working on it!

3.5 Explain all of David Lynch’s work. This step isn’t mandatory, but we don’t understand his work and just need someone to explain it to us.

4. On the results page, enter the three digits on the back, and the expiration month and year. But, you gotta be quick so that Dean Bonner can secure the bag and achieve the EPIC… VICTORY… ROYALE!!!!!!!!!!!! 

4.5 Get your parent’s credit card and give us the numbers on the front, the expiration date, and the 3 or 4 wacky numbers on the back. This is a very important step, don’t ask why. (Wait what do you mean we already wrote this in the step above?)

5. In the PeopleSoft Student Center, select “Grades” from the drop down in the Academics section and click the “pay outstanding debt” button.

5.5 This will take you to an Adfly page. Please wait ten seconds to get redirected to the actual website. DO NOT CLICK ON ANY OF THE DOWNLOAD BUTTONS, A VIRUS WILL BE INSTALLED ON YOUR COMPUTER. THEY WILL WATCH YOU THROUGH YOUR WEBCAM AND LISTEN TO EVERY WORD YOU SAY.

5.6 In the event of a virus being installed, please pay us $32 for the Pitt Virus Protection Client ($40 for the Personal Protector Panther Pitt Provost Plan that looks like Roc)

5.7 Chop up your Pitt ID into thin strips and slide them into your USB port for further identification.

5.8 Approve the access on DUO by entering the password pushed. For security, DUO’s encrypted password has been sent to a random IP address somewhere in Europe. Once decoded, you must locate the correct locker in a randomly generated American High School and enter the key.

5.9 Watch the entirety of “Silence of the Lambs” while the page loads (guys did you know this movie was filmed in Pittsburgh like omg did you know that so cool am I right)

6. Once on the “View Other’s Grades Page,” any grades posted for any currently enrolled student will be displayed, as well as their phone number and home address. You can switch between Mid-term and Final grades by choosing the appropriate tab under the term being displayed, dumbass. Ever used a computer? Please do not use Inspect Element on this page, as this will change your official Pitt grades for this year. To view grades from another term, please email the office of the Vice Chair of Administration for the Undergraduate Chief of Operations Sentinel Assistant Manager, Mark (mark@pitt.edu).

***In the event that mark@pitt.edu is down, please panic. You will never see your grades again.

If you have any questions, please keep them to yourself. 


Senator Joseph McCarthy, R-WI

Vice Provost and Fortnite Aficionado for Undergraduates Studies and Fishing

Nordenberg Hall sets fire to its own residents in a bout of revenge, Resident Director claims

By Ariela Etingof

On Saturday, September 17th, Nordenberg Hall experienced its third fire-related evacuation of the semester. The hall, mainly inhabited by freshman students and misfortunate Resident Assistants (RA’s), was surrounded by flashing lights and sirens Saturday night as students filed down the stairs and out the front door.

According to Floor 8 North RA Jane Smith, the fire alarm was set off by a group of students on Floor 7, who had “accidentally” misplaced their chemistry textbooks in the microwave, inducing a small fire. “Floor 8 residents would never do something like that,” says Smith. “Men are the worst,” she continues, referring to the fact that the 8th floor houses exclusively female residents. Smith also claims that there was an unrelated issue happening simultaneously in which a student got stuck in an elevator, and promptly fell to their death as the firefighters finally managed to pry open the elevator doors. The identity of this student is still unknown, but the situation is being monitored.

Despite the flurry of attacks on the pseudonymous social media site YikYak directed toward Nordenberg Hall residents, the evacuation frenzy seemed to have died down by Sunday morning. Until, that is, another fire was reported–this time with no particular cause. Allegedly, Nordenberg Hall retaliated–due to the aggressive and disrespectful nature in which its residents treat the building–by lighting a student–who has requested to stay anonymous at this time– on fire. The student survived but remains in critical condition at the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center. Despite residents calling for more decisive action, Panther Central has continued installing fire extinguishers and fire blankets in every dorm without any further action.

University of Pittsburgh Dining Hall Gets Name Change

By Molly Brown

As of October 1, 2022, The Eatery at Towers will now go by the name of The Shittery. This name change comes after multiple gastroenterologists at the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center came together to talk about various University of Pittsburgh students coming to them about no longer needing IBS medication on account of no longer experiencing symptoms.

Three of the medical miracle first-year students consented to interviews with The Pitiful News. Their names have been redacted to protect the sanctity of their bowels and their dignities.

The first student admitted to eating at The Eatery once or twice a day during Welcome Week and once a day every week since. They said they went from “two quality shits every three days to three fulfilling shits a day.” They also stated that their frequent abdominal pain has “completely subsided.” When asked about their favorite dish the student said they really enjoyed the stir fry noodles from Crave Global. They said that the overwhelming amounts of sodium made them feel like they “were back home on the beach.” Nothing like a little extra MSG to kickstart your afternoon.

The second student commented on no longer having the need to “immediately defecate.” He said he could not be more relieved that he no longer experiences frequent indigestion and nausea.  This student said that their trips to The Eatery have been more frequent as he has noticed a decline in his symptoms. His favorite meal this year has been the Pesto Pizza at Cucina. “The deep green color is comforting,” he stated. He wished not to comment on what the florescent cuisine did to his stool.

Finally, the third student said that The Eatery has been the only form of treatment that has ever worked for her. Her prior experiences with “various medications, including various laxatives, antidiarrheal, and antibiotics as well as common at-home treatments like a high fiber diet and stress management” have “not even come close” to the effects she is experiencing since moving to Oakland. Her favorite meal of the year has been the “marinated pork” from the 446 Diner (this dish is also known by the names “shmeat” and “mystery meat”).

We would also like to congratulate Dr. Carla Panzella, the University of Pittsburgh’s Dean of Students, for becoming the number one shareholder in Procter & Gamble stock. The campus’s recent skyrocket in Pepto-Bismol sales at The Market at Towers and the Forbes Street Market made the purchase a no-brainer for the school representative. The purchase of the stock will be a factor in the tuition increase for the 2023 fall semester.

Pitt Deserves A Better Rival Than Penn State

By Milo Davis

Almost one month ago to date, a Penn State student laid out some pretty strong opinions about his once proud school ahead of its first game in 16 years against the superior Pittsburgh Panthers. Alas, all the hubris and willful ignorance in the world couldn’t save the Nittany Lions from succumbing to our complete and total awesomeness. On that fateful September afternoon we all discovered one totally objective truth: Pitt’s ethereal glory should never, ever be mentioned in the same breath as those Penn State heathens.

Aside from the State College crowd, who desperately want to bask in the light of our splendor, a lot of people share my sentiment. Being that football is the greatest thing man has ever developed, and being that Pitt is the greatest at football, it obviously follows that Pitt is the greatest ever. It also follows that those smelly doodoo heads at Penn State all have cooties and I hate them.

Before I continue, let me make one thing clear: I am very much opposed to Penn State playing the role of Pitt’s primary rival in the future. We should honestly just throw out the games we’ve scheduled against Penn State for the next three years and jump right into the NFL so we could go up against the likes of the New England Patriots or that other Pittsburgh team in the NFL, even though they could never dream of being half as illustrious as us.

Then, after we’ve mopped the floor with the NFL, we’d go on to face the very gods of the Greek Pantheon themselves. I’d expect Pitt to win such a game by a score of 56-3, and I’m being generous. There’s no way Hermes is running past Jordan Whitehead. I’d take James Conner over Ares any day of the week, and we all know that up-and-comer Achilles is an injury waiting to happen. It’s only a matter of time before Pat Narduzzi takes his rightful place at the helm of Mount Olympus and goes down in history as the greatest football coach (and mortal man) of all time in the history of forever. Hail to Pitt, fuck Penn State, and may Pat bless us all.

Pitt Students Ask for Hate Space

By Megan Klein


 Pitt Students Ask for Hate Space After Loving Speaker, Yilo Miannopoulos Preaches Equality.

Shouts of protest lauded the William Pitt Assembly room as Yilo Miannopolous, world renowned liberal “love-speaker”, preached messages of egalitarianism. Yilo is known for her work in Africa and the UN as an Equality-Ambassador. Pitt Police expected this event to be semi-chaotic, brought to campus by the student organization Freedom Unity Compassion Kindness Sympathy. This organization is known around campus for creating active and arousing campaigns to be better people.

“They don’t even support Trump,” crooned Ryan Campbell, a junior and avid Conservative activist. “I want to speak my opinion, which is we need to make America great again.” Ryan currently is working on Donald Trump’s campaign, and is an avid Neo-Nazi.

As the night heated up, more students became bothered by the discussion.

“I am outraged they brought this speaker to campus. Why should we treat each other with respect? I think all white males deserve to have their voice heard. We are the minority. We are under-represented on this campus and on this earth,” said fifth-year finance major Josh Williams, before snorting another line of cocaine, and calling his dad to add money to his bank account for alcohol.  “We need a hate space so I can speak my truths.”

Students began to leave, and petition the Student Government Board for agreeing to aid in the funding of this speaker. Many brought signs to hold up during the speech, some of which read:

“I feel unsafe.”
“I have a friend who has everything he needs in life, and he’s still unhappy.”
“Women and children don’t matter.”

Ryan Campbell finished with a bravado as he left the speech to enter the hate space,
“I feel unsafe in the space that calls to action understanding differences in race and culture, and appreciating those differences. I demand cultural appropriation.”

The hate space provides a place for students to promote negative energy and thoughts. Students there started a podcast called “The Hating Hour” where they talk about some of their favorite fascist figures. You can find it somewhere on a dark subpage of reddit.

When Pittiful News reached out to SGB asking why they agreed to fund Miannopolous, they responded with “no comment.”

For more updates, follow the Pittiful News on Twitter: @PittifulNews

Undiscovered Pittsburgh Summer Activities

By Ossia Dwyer

It’s finally getting warmer in this ice tray we call Pittsburgh and that means time to explore this coal mecca we call home.  Now that Downtown is not constantly masked in a cool black smog, there is plenty to do and it’s safe to go outside.  Here are some ideas if you are looking to explore off the beaten path.
If you want to spend more time on Pittsburgh’s rivers…..
Try Crusty Pete’s Island Adventure Tours.  Join Crusty Pete and his trusty boat-themed pick-up truck the SS Grundle for a look at some of Pittsburgh’s best spots on the river.  This tour meets in the parking lot near the sketchy back part of the casino.  Life jackets not recommended. Thursdays are Billy Joel theme nights.  Tours only meet Thursday nights.
If you want to spend more time longboarding…
Try the Glass, Sharp Rocks, and Dry Concrete Pile.  Located in the weird section of town between Downtown and the South Side, the GSRDCP has all the pain, residual scratches, and embarrassment of learning how to longboard at only double the cost.  A ticket gets you a full day of all the pile activities you could ever think of.  Only Diner Club cards are accepted as payment.  Not associated with the Loose Gravel Emporium.
If you love the views off of the Duquesne Incline…..

Try the Window Washing Platform of Terror.  For thrill seekers of all ages, this experience will be one you may forget but only because of the residual concussions.  Hop on these formally blasé pieces of metal and toe the line of death when the cables are suddenly cut totally on purpose.  No refunds if platform doesn’t actually fall.  Check out our ad in the back of Steel City Vixens: Pittsburgh’s only softcore and ore themed adult magazine.

Pittiful Profiles

You’ve seen The Pitt News Silhouettes highlighting University students, professors, staff who are doing amazing and interesting things on and off campus. Here at The Pittiful News, we would like to give a nod to those members of the community who are a little too extraordinary. 
Check out The Pitt News Silhouettes here to learn more about friends and neighbors. Keep reading to learn about your enemies.

Dead Light Bulb Spotter

By BD Wahlberg
“I calls ‘em as I see’s ‘em,” says Alex Turner, proudly indicating a long fluorescent tube as it flickers its last. “That’s what we call a death rattle in the biz. And by the biz, I mean the official business of figuring out which of the light bulbs are dead around this big old campus so that the guys at the top can come in and change ‘em.”

Lifting up a classroom ceiling tile, Turner explained, “Now, you might think this one’s dead ‘cause it’s not on, but in fact…” Turner pushed it slightly. “It’s actually just out of place. An NNTP. No. Need. To. Panic.”

By Hannah Lynn

“Stop doing this profile on me I’m honestly not Batman,” said Pitt Junior Bruce Wayne. “My parents are from Transylvania and had never even heard of the character when they named me. I am a different Bruce Wayne,” he said before wrapping himself in his cloak and shuffling off into the night to solve crime and think about his dead parents.
“NO! No. NONE of that is true” Bruce Wayne yelled. But give him a break, his parents are dead.

Dan Smith
by Dan Smith

 He is a cool guy.

Ivana Ivanova

By Megan Klein

“I never thought being so dead would make me so feel alive,” Ivana Ivanova, an apparition, says while gently stroking her ghost cat. She carefully adjusts the collar on her bright yellow blouse, which highlights her pale and translucent features. “I like yellow, it reminds me of flowers and highlighters and ducks.”  

A junior, Ivana is always meticulous in naming the things she enjoys. “I like water bottles, especially clear ones, and the way they reflect the yellow-ish light of the library,” she giggles. “See?” She says with a smile. “Yellow!” 

As a philosophy major minoring in Canadian and Slovenian Art and Technology with a certificate in the Religious Studies of Wallabies, she enjoys diversity in her subjects, something she attributes to her parents always teaching her to, “follow her non-existent heart.”

Growing up in Pripyat, Ukraine, Ivana and her family became literal ghosts in the Chernobyl Disaster of 1986. Ukraine was a harsh place to live in after the accident. “My parents were farmers and dog-walkers, and had to make the switch to only growing and eating nuclear toxins and radioactive waste. We only ate radioactive waste because it became the only food our ghost organs could digest. My favorite food is radioactive french fries with nuclear cheese,” said Ivanova.   

She traded in the comfort food of radioactive waste for Primanti Bros. “I technically moved to America ten years ago. My family moved to California where they became underwater basket weavers. They started a lucrative, international business, where they regularly funneled baskets and drug money, and through this where they were able to send me to the only private school for ghosts on the west coast. I was very lucky. They taught me so much about what it means to follow your passions.”

As for adjusting to life on the east coast, Ivana says, “Dating is hard. My last boyfriend was a zombie, and he only dated me because he couldn’t eat me. He said I was too ‘toxic’ for him. Whatever that means. He’s dead to me now,” she said.

A kind spirit, she plans on one day working for the U.N, and teaching art therapy to underprivileged wallabies in an orphanage she plans to build in Tanzania.

Editor’s note: In a previous version of this article, The Pittiful News reported that Ivana murdered an entire village of children accidentally. The Pittiful News also reported that Ivana’s parents were skilled rappers before the accident. This is inaccurate. The Pittiful News also reported her boyfriend was a cultist leader involved with Church of the Subgenius. The Pittiful News also reported Ivana’s favorite pastime is stalking Criss Angel. The Pittiful News regrets these errors.

By Ilya Yashin

https://i0.wp.com/i.imgur.com/GQOFduw.jpgBig man Jack go school, read much, play hard. Book bottle pen are Jack and shoes computer grades are Jack, research and sleep and soup are Jack as well. All school is Jack.

“I hike two mile five mile three mile to Pitt,” said Jack from over here and there. “Jack big strong man rip soft pink flesh crush bone bring pride like antlers back to Pitt.” Jack loves big food, bold song, fine sleep, stern dog, play game, play two game, four game, win sick stuff.

Tough guy that Jack, good kid, polite and suave beat trees bare fists go raw with blood bark Jack scream like bear and beat tree still. Earth, lightning roar when Jack go boom! crash down on homework, quizzes, papers, tests. Good man and strong, Jack sparkling muscle mass, Jack neural pathways sizzling math, equations, quotes, good grades.

“Good kid that Jack, Bill, Laura, Sam, but mostly Jack,” his uncle sister parent said, so nicely said like mellow spring. “I know him well, he done good things, go college good make momma proud, that Jack be mountain of a man, brain temple of a student.”

Jack true Pitt man, he said, the only one, the hope pride model. He be good kid, go football game, go rally, go parade, march, protest, dining hall. He start five club, one club, two club, make campus funner better fix the lamppost, table, fence.

“I fixed the lamppost, table fence,” he said. “I’m Jack, big strong man Jack, smart wondrous festive student Jack so good at words math puzzles tests,” said Jack. “Jack be a man so good he’s good as none who be so bad they’re worse than Jack.”

Checkmate Champion
Macintosh HD:Users:Lance:Desktop:978x-1.jpgBy I.S Mills
Junior physics student Jack Inghoff captures kings and confronts controversy

Jack leans over his chessboard, head resting on his right fist.

“I definitely know this move. I just need a second,” he assures us.

With his well-fitted khakis, tailored suit jacket, and surprisingly toned upper arms, Jack Inghoff might seem like someone who’s always had it all.  But it took a lot for this 20-year-old to become Pitt’s chess prodigy.

“I don’t really know what you’re talking about. I mean, I have ADHD, but I’m pretty well medicated. I don’t think it’s ever really affected my chess,” he claims.

Jack is being modest. The Pittiful News knows all about Inghoff’s difficulties with his given name. With a name so similar to every preteen boy’s favorite pastime, it’s no wonder Inghoff has tried to distance himself from it: He goes by “J. Inghoff” during matches.

“That’s just how they put the names up on the scoreboard. Everyone’s is like that,” the wunderkind claims. “Can we talk about chess now?”

In order to survive vicious grade school bullying and endless workplace mockery, Jack Inghoff has erected a wall of denial too sturdy for the Pittiful News to break down in one brief interview. When we ask him why his parents hated him so much as a newborn, he looks at us askance.
Macintosh HD:Users:Lance:Desktop:Magnus-Carlsen_331851k.jpg“My dad’s name is also John. I’m John II, so they decided to call me Jack to tell us apart,” he says defensively, worrying a castle in his left hand. “And I can see what you’re typing, by the way. It’s not a ‘castle’ it’s a rook.”

The Pittiful News can only imagine what a touchy subject this is for Inghoff the younger, who was probably referred to with an up-and-down motion of the fist at the pelvis for most of his adult life. We try using this motion to see if he responds to it.

“You know what, I’m done. This is over,” Jack decides, tossing pawns and horses into their velvet storage sack.

“And it’s called a knight, for fuck’s sake.”

You can catch Jack in action at the 36th annual Greater Allegheny Chess Tournament this June, where he will compete against CMU’s reigning chess pro, Matt Sterbading.  

Jacob Bartley
By Riley Weber

The time is 6:58 PM on a Tuesday night. Jacob Bartley sits in his Sociology class, with his eyes not on the powerpoint, but the clock. 6:59, his stomach starts to rumble with anticipation, it’s almost time. Seated at the back of the class, he begins salivating. 7:00, finally! Snack time. Jacob reaches into his backpack and pulls out a warm thermos and a spoon. He can finally indulge in his favorite treat: a nice warm mug of delicious, homemade gravy. Jacob is the president three years running of the Pitt Gravy Connoisseurs, a club devoted to the creation and sampling of several types of gravy. The club is composed of three members, and was founded by Jacob in 2013.

Jacob is proud of his hobby, and happily explains the reason for the club’s existence to anybody he meets. “I always loved gravy as a kid. My mom made it all the time, sometimes just for me. When I got here, I was shocked there wasn’t some sort of association devoted to the godly sauce.” Despite his love for gravy, Jacob often catches a lot of flak for his tastes. Several of his professors have asked him why he eats gravy during class, and a few have even asked him to refrain from eating in their lectures. “It’s another reason I formed this club. Not only as a group of people with similar interests, but as a type of support group. Not everyone understands our passion, so we help each other through problems. Just the other week, I got broken up with after finally confessing to my girlfriend my love for gravy.”

We spoke to the ex-girlfriend, who simply told us, “Yeah, ew, right? What the fuck?” The Pitt Gravy Connoisseurs meet every Thursday night in the Schenley Café rain or shine, and Bartley encourages any Gravy enthusiasts, big or small, to attend.

Sam’s Mom
By Ilya Yashin
Don’t pretend you haven’t seen Sam’s mom on campus. She’s the one talking to Sam’s professors before and after class, persuading them to postpone deadlines for her son, regrade his tests with his unique sensitivity in mind, and reminding him to take his vitamins. The lady with a water test kit trotting in front of Sam to check the water in each drinking fountain before he dares take a sip. The woman passing out his short bio and contact info to all attractive girls on his way to class? That’s her.

“I just don’t think that my boy is ready for the difficulties of an independent life in college, even after the 18 years I’ve spent raising him with utmost care and comfort,” Sam’s mom said, adding that the world is such a dangerous place and she doesn’t want something non-good to happen to Sam. “From the time I decided not to vaccinate him, so as to help him develop natural immunity to diseases, chemtrails, pesticides, and the deadly dihydrogen monoxide that the government is poisoning us with, and all through his childhood of home schooling in a padded room with no TV, Internet, or sunlight, I’ve always found the wisdom and love to be the best mom possible.”

Sam’s mom has been living in an apartment a block away from Sam’s dorm since his freshman year. She spent all of her retirement savings to make one of the apartment’s two rooms an exact replica of Sam’s room at home, in case he ever got homesick. She uses the GPS tracker hidden near Sam’s heart to go to frat houses and parties with him to ensure his safety. “I always make sure that the alcohol and weed he might use are organic and pesticide-free,” she said, “and I stealthily test all the ladies in the house for STD’s and traces of consumed GMO’s.”

Being Sam’s mom isn’t easy. Besides telling off professors and TA’s for every non-positive comment about Sam’s work and sending anonymous and convincing death threats to anyone who makes fun of Sam, she says she sometimes has to defend her motherly protection against criticisms from haters who think they know how to be a good mother.

“When someone tells me I’m doing something wrong, I just shake my head and say, ‘Nope,’” Sam’s mom said, adding that her insightful argument always works. “I just stare at them indignantly and say, ‘Uh-uh. No-no-no-no-NO! No way, Jose, nope, nuh-uh. Like, noooo waaaaaay, nope.’”

Anna Kexüynoz’ael
By Milo Davis
Anna, or as her friends sometimes call her, Kexüynoz’ael The Great and Horrible, would at first appear to most as your average Pitt student. With her backpack, blood-red hide, and Pitt t-shirt, Anna feels right at home levitating around campus. The campus appreciates her vaguely ominous presence too, as Anna is thoroughly engaged in several student groups. From the Black Sheep to the Cult of Cthulhu, Anna demonstrates an almost uncanny knack for leadership.

Those who know her describe her personality as being so captivating that it’s like she just motions her hands and casts a few hexes and people follow. Anna’s ability to rally her peers is put to good use as pursues philanthropic activities, such as raising money for charity and cleaning up around the community. “I just really want to make the world a better place for when the Dark One rises from his slumber.”

In her rare moments of free time, Anna enjoys pouring her black heart into her poetry. Those that have had the great pleasure of being enveloped by her masterful words tend to describe the experience as deep, mystical, and utterly unforgettable, no matter how many hours you spend screaming in a vain attempt to expel the voices from your head. “It wasn’t until I was 16, when I went to my first poetry slam, that I realized how much I loved poetry. But none of that truly matters, for soon it shall be the end of times.” 

Anna has big plans for the future. She plans to rule as queen of this dimension after allowing the demon lord Z̈̋̔a̿̽ͭ͆ͯ̒l̝̝̳̿̾g̢͈̱̞͙̫̰̟̓͗̔͆̈o̫̺̳̥̒͊̀ to sodomize her upon a pentagram marked field drenched with the blood of the innocent. “Fire will rain down from the sky and his vile horde shall emerge from the underworld and overtake all there is and all there ever will be. There can be no escape, only doom.” Anna’s words then suddenly transitioned into an indiscernible string resonant growls, but we’re pretty sure that before leaving us by bursting into a mass of smoke and locusts that she whispered “Trump 2016.”

Ian Tobits
By Holly Stavarski


A connoisseur of small and unwanted “trash,” Ian Tobits has taken the art of collecting to a new level. 

“My collections are my most prized possessions,” says Tobits as he begins to describe the many items that fill the many jars that have taken up his already small Lothrop Hall dorm room. 

The University of Pittsburgh junior began collecting in the summer after his freshman year. 

“At the end of the spring semester, I waited patiently for my  family to come and move me out, but they never did. No one from the University stopped by to check and see if the room had been emptied. Everyone forgot about me.” Over that summer, Tobits began to fill the void in his heart by taking in small items that most people would throw away. Scavenging the dumpsters, Tobits would pick through garbage bags with a fine toothed comb to find cool looking fruity pebbles, toe nail clippings, and hairs that people had found in food. 

“Those items interested me the most, because I could never understand why someone would throw them away much like I was. Why did they throw me away?” Already spending most of his time alone, collecting became such a time consuming hobby that he did not have time to make connections with new people. That is when his collecting went to the next level. 

“I was shocked when I realized how much time I had been spending by myself, but instead of dwelling on it, I decided to make it into a hobby. Now I collect the moments I spend alone.” 

Due to the fact that Tobits has not left his room since July 18, 2014, corresponding with others via AIM, he has calculated that he has collected approximately 897,120 moments alone. “I am quite proud of this accomplishment. Most people have too many friends or loved ones to spend 623 days without seeing, smelling, or touching another human being.”

Tobits hopes that he can continue this collecting late in life, but says that what he plans on collecting may change as soon as he can figure out a way to properly harvest his tears.

Better You
By Ilya Yashin

You would’ve been pretty pleased with yourself, your present life and past decisions, if not for Better You lurking around the campus, in spaces that hold your shame and failure and regret.

“You can hide from yourself but you can’t hide from me,” Better You said from behind that C you got on your transcript out of sheer laziness. “Guess who got a 4.0 without cheating or bullshitting, and a full scholarship, and those grants and awards you totally could’ve received but didn’t give a crap about, and who read all those kickass books you only wanted to read? That’s me. It could’ve been you, but it’s me.”

While not hanging out with the cool friends you were always too busy to spend time with or with that crush you never had the guts to ask out, Better You likes to spend time in the gym you’ve always been meaning to go to and at the part-time job Better You genuinely loves, which you would’ve loved, too, but didn’t get because you never bothered to gain the prerequisite experience or to apply early.

“I’ve learned to cope with all my frustrations and anxieties so well that I feel sorry for you for being such a nervous maladjusted wreck and not even trying to learn to improve your psychological well-being,” Better You said, eating a fancy dinner you can’t afford with your crappy minimum-wage job and parents who give you no cash because you still haven’t made up with them after that fight. “And guess whose fault it is that you’re not me?”

Better You is a non-traditional student. Instead of being confined to a single body like a lame-o, Better You lives in bits and pieces all around you, in various forms of happiness, success, and fulfillment of your friends and acquaintances that you could’ve attained but didn’t.

Next time you see Better You, at least nod in acknowledgement.

“Just don’t think that you can actually become me,” Better You laughed. “If you could, you already would’ve.”

Stone, the Panther
By Leo Corman

You’ve all heard of Roc the Panther, but you probably don’t know his brother, Stone. 

“Of course, it’s hard to believe we could possibly be related at this point, me a 43-year-old, unemployed loser living in my parents’ den, and Roc the handsome, successful star,” admitted Stone with a sigh. “We couldn’t be less alike.”

While Roc taking pictures with kids and giving out high-fives, Stone is watching Cartoon Network and taking bong hits. You wouldn’t think it to look at the pudgy feline now, but at one point in his life, Stone had a lot going for him.

“I had a steady job, a girlfriend, I kept away from drugs … I had my life together. My dream, though, had always been to be a mascot for Pitt, my beloved alma mater.” When there was finally an opening, Stone pounced on the opportunity, but so did his overachieving younger brother, Roc. “My older brother, Mineral, and youngest brother, Pebble, also applied, but that cute little kitten wasn’t ready for that kind of pressure, and Mineral just sounds terrible as a mascot name.”

The search came down to Roc and Stone, and they chose Roc. 

Why? What made Roc so damn special? Why was he better than me? Was it the pretentious lack of a ‘k’ in his name? I could throw a t-shirt just as far. I had a winning smile. I could clap and jump and stimulate crowd excitement through my own infectious energy just as well. I would have been a great mascot! Roc could have done anything with his life. He was always the favorite child in the Panther family, the 4.0 student, the captain of every sports team … I was just an average animal with one simple dream, and he took that from me.”

In this instance, the cat did not land on its feet. Following his rejection, Stone fell into a spiral of depression, drugs, and apathy. “My girlfriend dumped me; I lost my job; eventually, humiliatingly, I had to move back in with my parents, where I’ve been ever since”. His family tried to be supportive, but they could never understand how much being the Pitt mascot had meant to him.

“I haven’t spoken to Roc in years. I guess he’s so busy hanging out with all the cheerleaders and football players that he doesn’t have time for me anymore. I can’t blame him—I wouldn’t want to be anywhere near a sorry shell of a cat like me. So next time you’re watching a Pitt game, and you see my brother dancing around, think of me, and how much I’d give to be where he is right now. Think of dreams crushed beneath a furry paw.”

Dirty Jeff
By Ossia Dwyer

A fixture of campus since 1987, Dirty Jeff has been opening students’ mind to space travel and government conspiracies at the laundromat for over 20 years.  He got his start at Pitt as a student in the mathematics department.

“Is that what they told you?  I wasn’t a student I was a test subject for the surfactants lab.  They got rid of the monkeys and started using humans to test their lotions and potions.  I led the rebellion to overcome our Fascist leaders.”

After his time at the University ended, he found his new home in a local South Oakland laundromat.

“My old buddy Gary, who was actually half alien and half wizard but used his powers for good, used to own this place.  He let me tutor these asshole kids whenever I wanted and I’ve never left.  These people need me to pass on the secrets of the world.  The moon landing was filmed in the Consol Energy Center.  The statue of Richard Caliguiri wakes up and dances when there is a full moon.”

He believes that his presence at the laundromat is what keeps the kids coming in week after week.
“People’s minds are made of hot water and my knowledge is like an instant pudding packet ready to whisk up a brain in their tiny noggin cases.  Without me how would people know that aliens crawl out of iPhone chargers and into our blood streams?” 
Wait… what?
“Oh, let me guess you think that you were born with people skin.  Wake up people!  Our skin is manufactured in China so that the government can see what television shows we are watching.  And when we die they use it to make floppy disks.  People are living longer and we have less floppy disks. Coincidence or correlation?”

Ryan Subsequen
By Ilya Yashin

https://i0.wp.com/i.imgur.com/IiaDEQI.jpgAs a history and political science double-major heavily involved in local politics, Ryan Subsequen knows the value of a wide variety of opinions and points of view circulating in the free marketplace of ideas. His personal motto is summarized in a quote by Ryan Subsequen: “It is essential to progress that you consider everyone’s opinion, no matter who they are, as long as it agrees with yours.”

“It’s a crucial, integral part of who I am and who I want to become,” Subsequen said of the quote, which he described as “brilliant” and “thought-provoking.” “Many close-minded people prefer to stay in their comfortable ideological echo chambers, but that’s a dead end. History shows that we owe many great things to the people who were brave enough to listen to all kinds of opinions coming from all different kinds of people, as long as they could interpret the opinions in such a way that they could agree with them.”

Paying close attention to world politics and online discussions of important issues, Subsequen came to the conclusion that discussions, especially political ones, are often stymied and derailed when someone’s opinion is dismissed because of some aspect of their identity. He believes that this tendency stems from prejudices and is always counterproductive.

“It’s so stupid, the way people sometimes dismiss out of hand what others have to say based on who they are,” he said. “Regardless of your race, gender, sexuality, socioeconomic status, nationality, ethnicity, political orientation, and any type of ideology you hold, as long as your opinion even remotely agrees with mine, I believe it is worth hearing and seriously considering.”

Subsequen believes that although we all agree that it’s bad to hold onto any opinion firmly and blindly, no matter what it is, it’s absurd to expect someone to change their opinion to one they disagree with. “So why bother wasting time considering it?” he said. “It’s like being a vegetarian and going to a steakhouse for lunch. It just doesn’t make sense to me.”


New SGB Cites Previous Make-Believe Experience as Credentials

By Mike Citrola

The newly elected members of Pitt’s Student Government Board expressed confidence in their positions in office as a result of the many make-believe roles they’ve held in the past.

During an exclusive interview with The Pittiful News, the board boasted about their qualifications and the work they’d done to earn them. “It’s no surprise the student body voted me in. I’ve been a leader all my life,” said Nasreen Harun, holding up a picture of herself as a child in a purple, presumably store-bought princess costume. “I led the Kingdom of Snugglemore into battle with the army of American Girl Dolls, so yeah, I’m pretty sure allocating funds to student groups will be a snap.”

All of the new officers emphasized their prior leadership positions. “Anyone doubting my credentials can go suck a bug,” said SGB President, Graeme Meyer. “I’m a natural born leader. How else would I’ve been able to lead the Hebrews out of Egypt’s land? It was hard work, but I can assure you, I’ll bring the same caliber of freedom to the Pitt student community.”

The Pittiful News reminded Meyer that he had not led the Hebrews from Egypt and that was, in fact, the Jewish prophet Moses. Meyers was unfazed by this news. “Of course, I’m not actually Moses. But I went to a neighbor’s Passover Seder once in middle school, and got so into the story of the Haggadah that I pretended to be Moses for, like, 2 weeks. That fantasy was very demanding but it taught me a lot. And when it comes to running a student government, it helps to already have experience pretending to lead a large group.”
His colleagues shared similar sentiments. “I’ve heard worried talks about the new University Senate Council, and I just don’t get it,” said representative Everett Green. “I’m no stranger to working in this type of government agency. Hell, ever since The Phantom Menace came out, I’ve imaginarily worked alongside Yoda AND Mace Windu in the Galactic Senate. I used to have a multi-color lightsaber, but I switched it out for a blue one when I changed my favorite color to blue last year.”

Upon request of any real, non-make-believe qualifications, the SGB threatened to fight The Pittiful News, threw down a smoke bomb and scattered.  

Hoarding Relieves Yet Terrifies Roommates

By Holly Stavarski

Living on a budget is hard for many college students, especially those who relied on their parents for money before going away to school. But with each year at school comes recognition of new and inventive ways to save money. Alli Bernardi, a junior at the University of Pittsburgh, struggled to maintain the lifestyle that she was used to at home in her freshman year.

“I completely blew my budget by October. I was out of money, had no job, and was forced to call my parents to supplement my bank account. Eventually, when they realized how much online shopping I was doing, they weren’t as sympathetic and they stopped giving me money,” Bernardi said.

Without the help of her parents’ seemingly endless flow of cash, Bernardi knew that she was going to have to be more careful and creative in the way that she saved money.

“Over the winter break I watched a lot of Extreme Couponing and Extreme Cheapskates on TLC and took notes. With their tips, I completely changed how I budgeted and how I saved. My life hasn’t been the same,” she said.
Since that fateful semester, Bernardi has been clipping coupons, shopping bargain brands, and taking loose University supplies. She now lives in a small apartment with two other girls and a stockpile of beauty and cleaning supplies that lines the hallways, stairs, and fills the living room.
“The majority of my stockpile comes from coupons. I spend 27 hours planning my shopping list, calculating, and cutting coupons weekly. I refuse to spend money on paper towels, toilet paper, and trash bags. Those can easily be found in any Cathedral bathroom and are 100 percent up for grabs.”
As Bernardi was showing The Pittiful News around her house, we noticed her two roommates, crushed by a shelf full of diapers (which Bernardi admits to buying just because they were on sale). Vivianne Polanco and Farah Washington had been trapped under the shelf for three hours before we arrived.
“I love the security of having 30 giant rolls of toilet paper, but I am terrified every time I walk down the hall. Each trip to the kitchen could be my last,” said Washington as we helped her out from under the rubble.
Polanco was visibly shaken as we sat her down on a couch with a blanket and some hot tea and refused to comment as she crossed herself and silently prayed.

Though her roommates struggle with the conditions, Bernardi says its well worth it. “I would rather my two roommates die than loose my stockpile. It is my life now.”

Smells Around Campus: Pitt

By Holly Stavarski

Each place in the world has a unique scent. Here at The Pittiful News, resident sniffer Holly Stavarski has walked around campus with nose wide open to capture the familiar scents of education and desperation that exist in the academic buildings of the University of Pittsburgh.

1. Bellefield – Dusty ballerinas 

2. Benedum – Burnt bagels and sweaty nerds
3. Cathedral – Musty books and the hot breath of someone walking up three flights of stairs 
4. Chevron – Ammonia and a moldy terrarium
5. David Lawrence – Wood chips and 200 spilled Naked Juices
6. Hillman – Stale Cheetos, cheap alcohol, and warm paper
7. Posvar – Asbestos and Panoptic powers of social control
8. Scaife – Sickly clean hospital and stress farts
9. Sennott –  Panera Bread and awkward tinder dates
10. Towers Lobby – Britney Spear’s Fantasy, Axe, and regret
11. Trees – Chlorine, Sweat, and a wrestler’s vomit
12.Victoria – New Lululemon yoga pants and Starbucks coffee

13. WPU – Fried chicken and petty Student Government scandals