Speaker Boehner Says He Won’t Compromise Because His Wee-Wee Hurts

“Owie”, winced Speaker John Boehner as he took the podium at last night’s press conference regarding stalled budget talks. The Speaker was visibly shaken, hunched over the teleprompter shifting his weight from one leg to the other occasionally jumping for three-or-four second intervals. The Ohio Representative paused for a moment to collect himself and let out a loud grunt before approaching the microphone.

Speaker Boehner began the conference announcing, “No debt deal. My pee-pee hurts”, in an adorable but unprofessional manner that ultimately brought up more questions than answers for the American public desperately seeking a fiscal compromise. A flurry of questions followed from The Washington Post and The Chicago Tribune asking “Does the wee-wee make icky icky?” and “Would kissy make the uh-oh all better?” respectively. Speaker Boehner declined to comment and retreated from the stage in a blushing frenzy instead opting for his press agent to take on the journalists’ queries.

The Speaker’s press agent detailed Boehner’s position as follows: “The Speaker, John Boehner, has made it clear to the American that the GOP will not give in to the Democrats’ party-pandering anymore and that his oopsie-doopsie hurts so bad he needs teddy. Speaker Boehner will not allow the President to continue his crusade against the private sector and the icy no help, his pee-pee hole make burny.”

Satisfied, many members of the press left the conference except for one determined BBC reporter who demanded the Speaker himself give an answer as to why the Republican Party refuses to reevaluate the defense budget and when John Boehner’s stinky-tinkle will be okie-dokie.

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