Girl Hospitalized with Facebook Vaguelexia

Dulpit’s last status update before hospitalization 

Oakland resident Laila Dulpit was forcibly hospitalized Wednesday with a severe case of Facebook vaguelexia, also known as vaguebooktitis, after posting “Not that all she ever needed wasn’t sometimes mine or his either, too” on her Facebook. Doctors say that brain damage is so profound that she will likely remain forever incapable of posting anything anybody other than her can understand.

Dulpit’s friends said her irritatingly vague status updates such as “good to know you’re listening” and “so stressed out…will I ever do it?” started littering their news feeds about four months ago.

“At first they were both vague and emotionally charged,” said Dulpit’s best friend Zyper Vomleken, “so we figured she’s just another goddamn drama queen fishing for pity, even though when we asked her what was the matter she told us to stop being so nosy.”

But then even the emotional undertones disappeared and Dulpit’s statuses became only vague, borderline deranged. She told her 700+ followers that “sometimes you don’t even wanna know what something is,” “not sure if we are right or he isn’t where—but maybe?” and “life is a hair only if you know where the tractors live.”

“I still remember the last three posts she had written before the one that made us call the paramedics on her out of concern for the mental well-being of her Facebook friends,” said Dulpit’s boyfriend Chrys Tumbleblumble. “I can even see them in my mind’s eye: ‘just add three pieces and it’s complete,’ ‘no matter what runs there won’t be any,’ and ‘it’s so hard when things are things but people are like places and you’re often.’”

Dulpit’s doctors said they would have to keep her sedated and restrained until her craving for a Facebook-supporting device subsides.

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