By Lord Tyler Sikov, Savannah Teman, and Sarah Yule
I recently noticed that the next post we make will be our 500th on the website. I thought that we should make this into a special occasion, so some writers have gotten together to come up with ideas for what to write. Email us at pittifulnews@gmail.com to tell us which of these you want to be our 500th post.
- How to Live In Ikea
- Your Spotify Wrapped: Kidz Bop Modified
- Marie Kondo’s Guide To Covid. How To Purge The Virus
- Top 500 Homoerotic Crosswalk Interactions
- 50 Ways to Say Goodbye by Train, 10 times
- A transcript of a Zoom recording of one of our meetings, tangents included
- Stand-up Comedian Tier List
- Sit-Down Comedian Tier List Because Ableism Sucks
- Favorite Junior/School Edition Musicals
- How many Dunkin’ coffees will I have to skip in order to afford a decent nose job in New York State?
- I Lived as a Muppet For a Day: Here’s What I Learned
- True life: my strange attraction to Vince Vaughn (specifically Fred Claus era Vince Vaughn)
- Defective Cat For Sale: No Bark Just Bite
- What Nasty Holiday Food You Are Based On Your Zodiac Sign
- How to write a group article
- Where did my dad go?
- My lust for Oscar the Grouch has the same limit as Cookie Monster’s lust for cookies, no limit
- Why any of musical mastermind Dua Lipa’s songs could have sold very well as singles
- How to cool down your pizza roll without biting off the corner and huffing like a little whore
- How to huff like a little whore
- Why Marley was the biggest villain of all the villains in Glee
- I know too much about radula
- I took a long winter break
- Hufflepuff support group
- My life as a Leo apologist
- What to write about for your 500th article
- A 7th article about being in a cult
- Secondary uses for your cat
- Mashed potatoes and other funny sounding foods
- A day in the life of a Pittiful News Writer: Russian Prison escape edition
- Upgrades to Pitt’s campus
- What to write for our 1000th post
- Imma go get a coffee
- Imma commit voter fraud
- Imma commit tax fraud
- I assassinated the President of the United States
- Flat Stanley spread the coronavirus (we have photograph proof)
It has come to my attention that this will be our 500th post. Welp, we’ll get ‘em next time.
The Pitiful News 