South Oakland Announces Rebrand to ‘Soak Land’ for Summer Season, Replaces Sidewalks with Slip-and-Slides

By Evan Rafferty

Today, officials of Pittsburgh’s best and brightest neighborhood announced a change that might take some getting used to. In a shocking move, the home for most of the University of Pittsburgh’s undergrads, S. Oakland, will be known as ‘Soak Land’ for the rest of the summer and brings some pretty exciting changes. The mayor of Soak Land, Jerold Bongstank, announced the new direction for the community in front of a crowd of billions of excited onlookers. With climate change resulting in increasing temperatures throughout July and August, Bongstank desired a fun, accessible, and unique way for residents to cool off while still getting outdoors and enjoying the sunshine. The new Soak Land moniker will hopefully bring in a new wave of tourists to the neighborhood, resulting in an influx of cash to small, local, community-owned stores like Rite-Aid. Soak Land officials say that the new name has no connection to the Mormon act of soaking, but it may begin to market itself to BYU students with this association in mind. 

“I think that including space for public fun is essential for increasing happiness, joy, various vermins, and letting me show off my freshly chiseled beach bod,” said Bongstank. In addition to the new name, Bongstank has announced a number of public works projects that will convert the neighborhood into an ‘outdoor Great Wolf Lodge, but without that stupid wizard quest crap.’ The sidewalks will soon be covered with tarps that are regularly slicked with dish soap and various crude oils for a wet and wild perambulatory experience, and all fire hydrants will be cracked open with a sledgehammer for a high-pressure shower to cool off in the summer heat. Also promised with this conversion are several big buckets that drop thousands of gallons of water onto anyone unlucky enough to be within a 500-foot radius of the impact zone. One city council member expressed concern over the environmental impact of this extraordinary amount of water on the soil and road conditions but was quickly carried away by a large swarm of rats to cheers from the crowd and calls for a beheading and further violent revolutionary acts. 

The announced changes will be implemented ASAP, according to neighborhood officials. Soak Land promises to have an open dialogue with residents to ensure that losers not interested in participating in The Wetness will be relocated elsewhere. 

“In these changing times, we must allow ourselves to change with them,” said Bongstank.

Plans for Midsummer

By Tyler, Sonya, Savannah, Abby


  1. Travel to Sweden to visit a cult, and then absolutely throw it down at their maypole dance, thus ensuring that I’m not the foreigner who’s sacrificed in the fire at the end of the week.
  2. Rewatch every installment within the Bill and Ted cinematic universe
  3. Get into Facebook arguments with old homophobic racists
  4. Get into Facebook arguments with old homophones.
  5. Bake a berry cobbler with all of the REAL berries – grapes, bananas, watermelons, tomatoes, cucumbers, deadly nightshade, eggplants, pumpkins, and chili peppers.
  6. Sit on the deck and eat tuna from a pouch
  7. Finally drink that bottle of bubble juice I’ve been saving for a special occasion!
  8. Ooh it has a little stirry thing in it. Time for mixing!
  9. Wait, why does it taste so soapy?
  10. Is bubble juice not the same as bubbly.
  11. I think I have made a mistake.
  12. Get fit, get LIT (and by which I mean don’t get lit, don’t light fireworks please for the love of God stop lighting the fireworks)
  13. IDK just do like Tuesday kinds of things.
  14. Acquire a lute, make it lose its tune, and then play it, badly, until my neighbors pay attention to me.
  15. Take a long nap on the couch, and wake up violently because I dream/hallucinate a three-inch scorpion about to sting me.
  16. Wait for the last light of durin’s day to enter the dwarf cave and cook me some dragon legs
  17. Sit in the driveway and stare at my neighbors like they always do to me
  18. Organize my sticky notes
  19. Conduct a ritual animal sacrifice of… a fruit fly I guess? (I don’t have any other animals) to honor the summer solstice.
  20. Ask my parents where my midsummer gifts are
  21. Make more cottagecore pillows
  22. Exercise. My rights. To bear arms. 🐻.
  23. Steal Sumarbrander from Frey, God of Nature and Stuff
  24. Fall in love with a girl named Maria, then need to run away with her as she is currently being shot at by the Russian mafia. We escape this country and move to the UK. We live in Big Ben, sure the sound is horrible and makes it hard to sleep, but it is a life. While there I fall in love with another woman named Maria, she is on the run from the gestapo, not to be confused with gazpacho, the first Maria’s favorite soup. So I leave the UK with the second Maria and move to Finland. This cycle goes on for three years, every summer solstice I find a new maria and run away to a new country.
  25. Party in the USA
  26. Celebrate my sister’s birthday :)
  27. Lose all sense of time and forget that it’s even midsummer