Flo Rida has gotten away with many crimes at this point. We here at the Pittiful news need to set the record straight. Here is just a taste of what he has done:
Entered a convenience store with an alligator and bought 3 kegs
Botched a castration on another man he met on a Eunuch fetish website
Was caught with a handful of Trump-shaped ecstasy pills
Was caught with a handful of Trump-sized explosive devices
Was caught with a handful of Trump-freakish-baby-hand-sized little sticky hands that you fling at the wall
Bit a “couple” of toddlers “dozens” of times
Evacuated a walmart after he was caught crawling through the ceiling
Committed domestic battery with a thin crust Domino’s pizza
Gave an “Aggressive Wet Willy”
Stole 11k votes in tomorrow’s Georgia runoff senate race
Broke into a home and made himself and the homeowners brunch
Attacked a passerby with a sword over a bag of trash
Helped Bush beat Gore by piling raccoons in trenchcoats and having them vote
Burglarized cars while wearing only a hat and a bra
Held an entire theater of moviegoers hostage and forced them to watch an entire box set of M*A*S*H*
Hit a McDonald’s worker with his VW Bug for “taking too long”
Purchased a VW Bug
Changed his name from Tramar Lacel Dillard
Lingered after a hug for a bit too long
Put the Kraft cheese powder into the still-cooking pot of boiling elbow noodles, failing to drain the box-recommended 6 cups of water beforehand
Dressed as spiderman and power washed roofs
Assaulted a man with ketchup
Played basketball naked, claiming it would improve his skill level
Crashed into a cop car while riding a lawnmower with a blood alcohol level of .3
