By Evan Rafferty
Today, officials of Pittsburgh’s best and brightest neighborhood announced a change that might take some getting used to. In a shocking move, the home for most of the University of Pittsburgh’s undergrads, S. Oakland, will be known as ‘Soak Land’ for the rest of the summer and brings some pretty exciting changes. The mayor of Soak Land, Jerold Bongstank, announced the new direction for the community in front of a crowd of billions of excited onlookers. With climate change resulting in increasing temperatures throughout July and August, Bongstank desired a fun, accessible, and unique way for residents to cool off while still getting outdoors and enjoying the sunshine. The new Soak Land moniker will hopefully bring in a new wave of tourists to the neighborhood, resulting in an influx of cash to small, local, community-owned stores like Rite-Aid. Soak Land officials say that the new name has no connection to the Mormon act of soaking, but it may begin to market itself to BYU students with this association in mind.
“I think that including space for public fun is essential for increasing happiness, joy, various vermins, and letting me show off my freshly chiseled beach bod,” said Bongstank. In addition to the new name, Bongstank has announced a number of public works projects that will convert the neighborhood into an ‘outdoor Great Wolf Lodge, but without that stupid wizard quest crap.’ The sidewalks will soon be covered with tarps that are regularly slicked with dish soap and various crude oils for a wet and wild perambulatory experience, and all fire hydrants will be cracked open with a sledgehammer for a high-pressure shower to cool off in the summer heat. Also promised with this conversion are several big buckets that drop thousands of gallons of water onto anyone unlucky enough to be within a 500-foot radius of the impact zone. One city council member expressed concern over the environmental impact of this extraordinary amount of water on the soil and road conditions but was quickly carried away by a large swarm of rats to cheers from the crowd and calls for a beheading and further violent revolutionary acts.
The announced changes will be implemented ASAP, according to neighborhood officials. Soak Land promises to have an open dialogue with residents to ensure that losers not interested in participating in The Wetness will be relocated elsewhere.
“In these changing times, we must allow ourselves to change with them,” said Bongstank.