By the Writers of the Pittiful News
- Murder Someone
- Reuse Paper:
- Old Documents such as Taxes, Parking Tickets, Famous Paintings
- Totes Use tote bags to carry all your groceries, purchased or unpurchased. As well as any small dogs, leftover food in trash cans, or knives you find laying around
- the bloodier the better
- Walk places.
- Upcycle some of your old bed sheets into fashionable dresses. Even the ones with mysterious stains on them.
- Downcycle old clothing into quilts for the entire lifecycle
- Don’t exhale.
- Alternatively, breathe backwards. Like a plant.
- No food, no farts. Halt your methane production with fasting.
- Vacuum up all the world’s oceans so that no one can pollute them.
- Or just put a filter in the pool. Big pool.
- Flip your condoms inside out for a second use
- Live in a shed in the woods
- Or just the woods
- Destroy any non-electric cars
- All cars
- Contract tuberculosis.
- Stop using toilets. Shit in a hole instead.
- Save the trees. No toilet paper.
- Eat out.
- Brought to you by your local lesbian association
- Kill a second person
- Move to another galaxy
- Give the environment a first aid kit
- Sacrifice Brendon Urie to the environmental overlords
- Would you call that the death of a bachelor
- WOAH
- Would you call that the death of a bachelor
- Eat mushrooms
- Scavenge for mushrooms in the woods with small picnic baskets
- Pick berries and say hello to the animals
- Just absorb the energy of the earth and sit on moss
- Grow moss on your body instead of wearing clothes.
- Kill off everyone above 65, once you retire, you are no use to society anymore
- Kill off everyone under 18, they’re no use to society anyway.
- Become a cactus so you use less water
- Eat less meat
- OR exclusively eat things that you find dumpster diving
- Let mushrooms eat you
- Eat worms for protein
- Do it faster
- Kill all white people
- Get one of those filters that turns your pee into water and uh…
- slurp
- Use plastic straws instead of metal so the turtles have something to eat
- Or, controversial opinion, bring the cup to your mouth and skip the straw step
- Take some ice cubes from your freezer and put them outside to stop the globe from warming
- Kill frequent sneezers to conserve energy
- No heaters. Just hugs.
- or living in the carcass of a large animal. It’s like a super hug.
- Leonardo DiCaprio ghost wrote this
- or living in the carcass of a large animal. It’s like a super hug.
- Stop using toothbrushes. And toothpaste.
- Don’t shower – go for a swim in the refreshing Pittsburgh river triad
- Apologize to your local trees for all the paper you’ve wasted on failed attempts at drawing Dan and Phil fanart.
- Don’t waste electricity by plugging in your phone. Buy a new phone every time your old one dies.
- Kill off people who don’t love cats
- Brought to you by PETA
- Use book pages as toilet paper
- Save air and stop commenting on how large my mcdonalds order is when we go through the drive-thru together please
- Befriend local bacteria.
- We need to stop using spoken language and start tap dancing in Morse code as our primary form of communication.
- Eat plastic.
- Tinder is a huge power-waster. Just fornicate with friends.
- From the makers of Words With Friends: Fornicate With Friends!
- Eat Pokemon.
- The only machine you should use is a local beefcake.
- Use another person as your mask in order to not have the plastic mask waste in your carbon footprint
- Wear shoes a size smaller
- Makes your carbon footprint smaller
- Also uses less materials
- Have smaller children.
- Kill them off early, too.
- Have smaller dogs.
- Kill a third person
The Pitiful News 