By the writers of the Pitiful News (formerly the Pittiful Coups)
- Social isolation as all of my family and friends have gotten Moderna, whereas I have gotten Pfizer
- Inflated bank account
- Inflated ego
- Inflation kink
- Optimism for the future
- Immediately followed by depressive episode
- Mommy my awm huwts :(
- Phat ass
- Death
- Became president of a new country
- Got beetlejuiced
- Got stickbugged lol
- Sexy disease. It’s not contagious, don’t worry losers.
- Sharp decline in IQ, possibly unrelated
- Well I got moderna so that’s more of a body high than pfizer
- Became a Republican
- I am starting to like Bill Gates now? I just think he’s one of those cool billionaires, you know?
- Developed this little voice in my head telling me to buy a Microsoft Surface™
- Grew hooves
- Uncontrollable urge to read Ayn Rand
- The Fountainhead is a masterpiece, dude
- Atlas Shrugged is a close second
- I unironically like glee now.
- Intense succulent craze
- Inability to stop watching the Twilight movies
- Reading backwards
- Redbubble sticker obsession
- Failing my finals
- Choosing chartreuse as my favorite color
- Heat exhaustion from waiting in the sun for 4 hours
- Became left-handed
- Became an android user
- Turned gay
- Turned straight
- Turned on
- Turned away. I forgot my insurance card :(
- I didn’t think you needed an insurance card
- Wtf they lied to me
- Became a theater kid
- Got coronavirus, somehow?
- Humanities major disease. Also known as unemployment-itis.
- Business major disease. Also known as moral corruption.
- I’m not funny anymore – I’m starting to wonder whether I ever was
- Melted my teeth, and now I chew in liquidity
- A bit tired
- Traded my skull in for a wooden replica, now I have a splinter on my brain
- Learned to play the ocarina. Sadly this is not exactly a marketable skill.
- Frequent nosebleeds
- Constant nosebleeds
- Complete lack of nosebleeds (which is worrying, because I used to get frequent nosebleeds)
- I also don’t have a nose?
- Became Peanut Butter?
- Became Jelly?
- Je peux parler seulement le Français
- Unstoppable, uncontrollable urge to throw it back
- Grew another penis
- Wet mouth
- Damn, without me?
- Dry mouth
- Damn, without me?
- My back aches, my bra’s too tight, my hips shake/From left to right
- Became a SoundCloud Rapper
- Resurrection
- Resuscitation
- Rotisserie
- Robespierre
- Mild Nausea
- Medium Nausea
- Spicy Nausea
- Sweet Sriracha Nausea
- Severe Nausea
- Thick and Chunky Nausea
The Pitiful News 