By the Writers of the Pitiful News
In a shocking turn of events, noted pseudoscientist and Harvard alumnus Dr. Mehmet Oz has been declared the winner of the Pennsylvania senate race after thousands of ballots pour in from New Jersey.
Announcing his victory from his New Jersey mansion, which shares the address of over 500 of the tardy ballots, Oz celebrated the eventual voice of the people overcoming the radical left machine.
Fetterman, in a fit of rage, was spotted tearing off his pullover hoodie (which, to our surprise, revealed a second pullover hoodie of the same color and design) while muttering the words “from Pennsylvania, for Pennsylvania…”. Fetterman, ultimately, was not the runner-up of the election after the mail-in votes were tallied, with second place going to ‘‘Nemet Oz”, which was somehow penciled on every ballot received from Texas.
Fetterman went on to say that the ballots were clearly fraudulent, as many of them were signed ‘Mehmet Oz’. A spokesperson for the Oz campaign responded to this by hiding from reporters in the bushes.
Dr. Oz supporters were suspiciously un-surprised at the late change of fortune for the republican nominee. One voter said, “No, I’m not surprised at all. Once you’ve stuffed as many ballot boxes as I have, you kind of develop a sense of who’s going to win. Especially when you open them and change the boxes”
Fetterman was also infuriated by the third party and write-in votes that could have carried the important election for the democrats. According to sources at Vote.org, over 100,000 votes were cast for Sidney Crosby, and almost 70,000 voters wrote in “Kenny Pickett’s hands.” The Pittsburgh Steelers had to forfeit their sixth-round draft pick for the upcoming year to the Democratic Party, which plans to select a replacement for the aging Presidential position.
When asked for his reaction, Josh Shapiro laughed at our reporters as he ate a comically large bucket of popcorn. His evil twin brother, Benjamin Shapiro, regarded Oz’s win as “purely hypothetical and backed by facts and logic.”
The RNC celebrated Oz’s win on Sunday night with a “cardiology-themed bash,” with the hearts of goats and other innocent beasts spiked on the walls.