Real Telemarketer calls we have gotten

By the writers of The Pittiful News

• Contact tracers again… apparently I was “exposed” to “someone” with “COVID”.  Not falling for that shit. How do they know my friend who recently tested positive? He must have put them up to this.  
• Bird Watches. Watches for birds.
• Offers to sell me back my own liver at a markup.
• The FitnessGram Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20 meter pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly, but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal. A single lap should be completed each time you hear this sound.  Remember to run in a straight line,and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word start. On your mark, get ready, start.
• 1-800-588, 2300, EMPIIIIIIRE
  • (Today!)
• Presidential Alert System: THIS IS A TEST of the National Wireless Emergency Alert System. No action is needed.
• Are you afraid of the concept of cats with swords for limbs? If so, please press 1.
• Jehovah’s witnesses CALL now! I was so very pleasantly surprised that Covid safety was being held at such a high priority.
• “I’m helping to conduct a survey. Would you mind answering a few questions? Yes? Great! First, am I gonna die?”
• Your computer has a virus, and only I can cure it– for a low, low price of 500 dollars US exclusively in Apple Store gift cards.
• We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty. We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty. We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty. We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
• “Hello, this is the pole lickers fan club, may we speak to Lord Tyler”, “This is he”, “We are huge fans of your work, can you come lick some poles near us”, “I can lick street poles, people from Poland, or any of your local polling places” “All of the above please”
• “If you like piña coladas, and gettin’ caught in the rain”
• Some dweeb keeps calling me and saying he works for the “IRS” and I’m being “audited.” What does that even mean, Idiot Rescue Services? If you fall for a scam like that you’re really just bringing it upon yourself.
• Dear Gabriella, you have been randomly selected to participate in a student satisfaction Web survey of undergraduate students at the University of Pittsburgh. As a token of our appreciation for your efforts, we will enter you into a drawing for one of four iPad minis. The winners will be chosen after the survey is completed. By participating in this survey, you can let the University know what you think about your educational experiences and the quality of campus life. This will provide us with valuable insight as to how to improve services for present and future students. 
  • My name isn’t Gabriella.
• “Would you be interested in donating your legs, toes and/or other body parts to children in need?” -a call from a guy who sounded suspiciously like the Winklevoss twins from The Social Network.
• Hello my name is David and I am looking for a friend. Will you be my friend? Please?
• “Do you find yourself struggling to finish your homework and find motivation for your online classes? Lmao, same”
• Sometimes I get random ones in chinese but I don’t know any chinese (just imagine I wrote this in chinese).
• Nous avons essayé de vous contacter au sujet de la garantie prolongée de votre voiture. Nous avons essayé de vous contacter au sujet de la garantie prolongée de votre voiture. Nous avons essayé de vous contacter au sujet de la garantie prolongée de votre voiture. Nous avons essayé de vous contacter au sujet de la garantie prolongée de votre voiture.  Nous avons essayé de vous contacter au sujet de la garantie prolongée de votre voiture.
• Hello this is a hitman agency. We will take out Tyler Sikov for free, if you so desire.
• “Hey, this is your boss calling, again. You still haven’t come in and it’s been five days. If you skip work again so you can spend more time on Reddit, we are gonna fire you.”
• Hey Jessie 
• 01785 276126, they called me to tell me I had died.
• Affirmative. The target is in sight.
• Hello, it’s me, I’ve been wondering if, after all of these years, you’d like to meet, to go over everything, they say time heals you but I haven’t done much healing. 
• Hey girlboss! Are you tired of your 9-5? Do you wanna create your own schedule on your own terms? Well, I can show you how by selling tacky leggings! It’s so simple and easy and definitely financially sound.  
• A very nice man from Nigeria asked me to wire him some dollars US.
• Gently used and refurbished casket salesman. You wouldn’t think that would be a booming industry, but apparently a lot of folks opt for cremation at the last second.  
• Excuse me: I am homeless. I am gay. I have AIDS, and I’m new in town.
• Baby shoes for sale. Never worn, but they could be soon! What size are your baby’s feet?
• HI NUMBER NEIGHBOR!!!! MY NAME IS— *click*
• Προσπαθήσαμε να επικοινωνήσουμε μαζί σας σχετικά με την εκτεταμένη εγγύηση του αυτοκινήτου σας. Προσπαθήσαμε να επικοινωνήσουμε μαζί σας σχετικά με την εκτεταμένη εγγύηση του αυτοκινήτου σας. Προσπαθήσαμε να επικοινωνήσουμε μαζί σας σχετικά με την εκτεταμένη εγγύηση του αυτοκινήτου σας. Προσπαθήσαμε να επικοινωνήσουμε μαζί σας σχετικά με την εκτεταμένη εγγύηση του αυτοκινήτου σας. Προσπαθήσαμε να επικοινωνήσουμε μαζί σας σχετικά με την εκτεταμένη εγγύηση του αυτοκινήτου σας. 
• Hello, how are you? Have you been alright through all those lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely nights?
• Hey! How you feelin’? Are you still the same? Don’t you realize the things we did, we did, were all for real, not a dream? I just can’t believe they’ve all faded out of view. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, ooh.
• Hot Singles In My Area??? Yes Please!
• Excuse me yes hello I am looking for an companion would you be interested in having a sugar daddy? 
• Jolene? Jolene. Jolene! Jolene! I’m begging of you please don’t take my man. 
• Hey what’s up you guys? Yes! Welcome back to my channel. Today’s video is sponsored by naturebox. Naturebox is—
• Hot dog, fall out of bun, into sewer drain
• “Hello, is this the esteemed Lord Tyler” “Yes, yes this is”, “Hello, we found that you are entitled to a stake in the queen’s fortune when she dies.” “Oh yes, that makes sense as I am a lord.”, “We already have your bank routing number, we will send you the money once she passes.” “Thank you.”, “Oh, one more thing, we’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty–”
• “Yes I like piña coladas, and getting caught in the rain…”
• “I’m the Viper, I have come to Vipe your vindows”
• “Achoo” “Achoo” 
  • I got this one at 2 am, a cold caller at that hour
• “Hello, Lord Tyler, this is your ex-husband’s divorce attorney, Max Smith esq., we have reason to believe that you have murdered your ex, we understand that he sucked, I mean the only reason we kept him around was for the money, so I don’t blame you, but, your child support is still due for the 17 deer he purchased and convinced the Supreme Court of the United States are legally his biological children.
• “Hi sweetie, this is your grandmother.” “Shut up you old hag, stop calling me!”
  • This was not a telemarketer, I just hate my grandmother
• hto dog (sic)
• FBI open up
• Job interview for telemarketing position

How I’ll Be Spending My Shelter-in-Place

By Sarah Yule 

If you had the sense to mute your Outlook notifications this past Monday, you may have missed the news that we Pitt students are “strongly encouraged” to shelter in place about two weeks prior to going home for Thanksgiving. As can be said for many aspects of this Flex@Pitt dystopia, this recommendation can feel a tad yucky. Who wants to spend the last fourteen days of living under the rule of the benevolent and all-powerful Kenny BonBon and Pitt’s very own Galligator within the four walls of their teeny dwelling? We should be out and about, sowing our wild oats from one dirty South O basement to the next. But alas, we find ourselves here, and I have taken up the task of gifting you some advice on what you can do to make your shelter-in-place less depressing. 

1. For all my freshman, maybe you took the Freshman-15 as an obligatory sprint instead of a lightly suggested marathon. Maybe you, say, blew all of your dining dollars on pints of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream at Market to Go and have resorted to using your debit card these past weeks. Maybe, just maybe, the workers in said Market to Go know you and give you the same sad look when you check out with said Ben & Jerry’s ice cream pint on a near-daily basis. All of this is hypothetical, and I am totally not speaking from experience. So, now is the time to turn it around. Okay, I know, it is not possible nor healthy to embark on a total weight loss overhaul with mere days left in the semester. But, if you get off at the Gain Train’s next stop, you can ensure that this Thanksgiving of comments like “Wow, you really grew up!” is the last of its kind. 

2. Read that book that you told yourself you were going to read. It’s been sitting on your desk as a reminder of your failure to stick to anything and to leave it there would be letting that book win. What’s my shame book, you may ask? It’s a self-help read sent to me by my father following my first tearful phone call home in August when I couldn’t figure out how to get the dryer to start. While the book doesn’t directly deal with the function of laundry apparatuses, I’d assume it must have something useful to offer me. So, I will be delving into that sucker come November 12th. 

3. Call your friends from your hometown and prepare to make all of this shelter-in-placing for naught. You’ve been away from these people for months, so logically that extra week before Thanksgiving has to include a large gathering with half of your graduating class. Sure, it’ll put everyone around you in danger, but a life not lived on the edge is hardly worth living. 

4. Walk (six feet away from all human life forms) around campus and say a quick goodbye to all of your favorite spots. Much to my chagrin, I do have to advise you not to actually kiss the structures you’re bidding adieu to; I love a good building as much as the next guy, but these are unprecedented times, folks. I plan on washing my hands one last time in the definitely-haunted bathroom on the third floor of Cathy. I’ll get my last large iced coffee with almond milk and pumpkin swirl from the Forbes Ave Dunkin. Lastly, I will eat my last order of Sarah’s signature shame lo mein from Schenley Plaza’s Asia Tea House. That goodbye will undoubtedly be the most heartbreaking.

Once you’ve done all of these things, you’ll be perfectly ready to go back to your hometown. I wish you luck, and look forward to seeing you crying as I pass you on your very own farewell tour of Pitt’s campus over the coming weeks.