By Lord Tyler Sikov, Savannah Teman, and Sarah Yule
Confidential, for santa’s eyes only
- Dog head mask
- Viagra for women
- Claritin-D for men
- DIY milk bath
- Winter Candy Apple candle from Bath and Body Works
- Debt forgiveness
- Clairo
- Fish sticks; my parents refuse to buy them for me after the choking incident of ‘05
- A new bathtub; it still reeks of fish sticks after the choking incident of ‘05
- A new tub of Miralax; it’s the secret ingredient in the best cup of hot cocoa you’ll ever have
- Some new stand-up specials
- The resurgence of an unmoderated Tumblr
- A new tub of Cyanide; it’s the secret ingredient in the last cup of hot cocoa you’ll ever have
- The feeling of listening to Ariana Grande’s 34+35 for the first time
- Cats
- Cats on blu-ray
- Kittens in mittens
- True love
- 1 partridge in a pear tree
- 2 turtle doves
- 3 silver rings
- 4 bags of cat hair
- 5 new Ed Sheeran songs
- 6 additional wishes
- 7 spoons of mashed potatoes
- 8 maps to the new world
- 9 howler monkeys
- 10 court jesters
- 11 offshore bank accounts
- 12 selfies with Mr. Noodle’s brother Mr. Noodle from the Elmo show
- Froot Loops
- The Country
- Country Crock
- The Lööp
- For Gritty to notice me
- Happiness
- Jackbox 8
- A vegan ice cream cake
- More cats
- Vegan milk chocolate, like seriously just use one of the many vegan milks, it is not that hard
- An additional spoon of mashed potatoes
- A chinchilla
- And a partridge in a pear tree
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The Pitiful News 