Very incorrect rock facts

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Pittiful Geodes)

• Rocks were invented in 1969 by Rock n Roll Hall of Famer Deez Nuts to sell more Rolls.
• Rocks taste good. 
• Crystals have harmful auras if thrown at the face.
• Only Jesus can wash tectonic plates. 
• I used to have a wife.
• Certain breeds of cow can digest diamonds. So can I.
• Yellow diamonds are created by the rare chemical combination of a clear diamond and my piss.
• Similarly, rubies are what happens if you get blood on a diamond. I’m an earthologist.
  • This should not be confused with blood diamonds, something we do not support.
• Here is an idea, what if we all got together and drew pieces of paper from a big bowl and the person who gets the piece with a dot on it gets stoned to death by the rest of the town. 
• The three categories of rock are Schoolhouse, Dwayne The, and Hard.
• The more rocks you have on you the more submissive and breedable you will be. 
• Prehistoric humans used rock tools because they were eco-friendly. 
• A rock can look like anything, like a cloud but shittier.
• Some rocks can see time.
• In twenty years, all that will be left of Frosty the Snowman is the coal!
• Owning domesticated rocks is illegal in 27 states.
• Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson got his nickname from the heaviest thing he could lift, and “The Pebble” didn’t sound as cool. 
• The duller the rock, the more it is worth
• A 24 karat diamond is just as edible as 24 karat gold. 
  • 24 carrot magic in the aaaaaaaaair 
• A karat is actually how many carrots a given rock can eat in one cubic meter. 
• Some rocks were made up for Minecraft.
• If you dug a hole to the center of the earth, you would be eaten by the rocks. If rocks weren’t able to eat you, though, you would be able to survive.  
• If you put a bunch of stones in a pot and add a little magic you will have an endless supply of food.