By the writers of the Pitiful News (formerly the Pittiful Coups, oh, wait, I already made this joke, and there was literally an attempted coup)
- It was a little chilly.
- I became your dad.
- Donald Trump was rebooted to the latest version of iPresident
- Shrimp colors were added to the human eye but only for, like, five seconds
- I thought that was just the LSD I did
- Sellers of the confederate flag suddenly got very excited
- Half-Life 3 was released
- PETA started raiding D.C. houses and euthanizing goldfish where there were not easily accessible outdoor cats to get their grubby little PETA paws on.
- I brushed my teeth with my sister’s toothpaste by accident.
- George Washington briefly came back to life, looked around, said “Fuck this shit”, and promptly died again.
- They rubbed shit all over the walls
- Rosanne Barr announced a mayoral run in a Blair Witch style video from Nancy Pelosi’s desk
- Your mom fell for a multi-level marketing scheme.
- Thousands of Americans went back to the store to return Christmas gifts
- Dozens of men discovered the prostate.
- They burned down the White House… oh wait sorry that was 1814.
- My phone connected to my car’s bluetooth speaker when my dad went to warm up my car and he discovered that I was listening to an ASMR mukbang on Trisha Paytas’s 18,000th channel: No Talky Trish ASMR. He was concerned.
- The Capitol Building briefly went into giant robot mode before being shut down by an administration that did not want it to defend itself.
- A wise guru in the Himalayas attained enlightenment, then promptly lost it when he turned on the tv.
- Donald Trump enjoyed a round of miniature golf with his strangely tall son Barron between his incitement of the insurrection and his tweet “condemning” the insurrection.
- I found my fried pierogies, they were in the pockets I put them in, my pants from the one time I went to vegas over a decade ago
- A lone chess player stood between the insurrectionists and the House of Representatives. The insurrectionists had to win a game of chess before they could go on into the chamber. The old chess player, dressed in white robes, exclaimed “You shall not en passant!” before beating every single one of them. Truly heroic.
- Cupid Shuffle 2 came out
- I found my iPod Shuffle
- Another coup happened in the Central African Republic
- Every 60 seconds, a minute passed in Africa
- With your help we can stop this
- You guys are not gonna believe this but people threatened democracy
The Pitiful News 