New Royalty-Free Christmas Songs Coming Out This Year (Before thanksGiving)

By The Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Pittiful Jews)

• Dingle Smells
  • Bingle Shells
• Santa Claus is coming to town, but not the part you live in 
• WAP (Wet Ass Presents)
  • Bring a bucket and a mop, for these wet ass presents 
• You better watch out, ^{you better watch out, you better watch out, you better watch out} 
• Last Christmas (I Ripped Out Your Heart) 
• I Saw Mommy Get Her Back Blown Out By Santa Claus
• The Listmas Song
• Santa Claus is leaving town 
• She’ll be going around the mountain when she goes 
• Do it now, lick it good, suck this _____ just like you should (acoustic version) 
• Have Yourself A Terrible, Big Christmas 
• Harley Quinn’s Jingling Bell Hat (The Movie: The musical: The series: The Song)
  • by 100 Gecs 
• Caucasian Christmas
• We met Parson Brown, he smells bad  
• All I Want For Christmas is Jews, Baby
• All I Want For Christmas is Juice, Baby
• All I Want For Christmas is Moose Babies (they’re endangered!)
• The Little Bummer Boy 
• Away In A Hangar (The Pilot’s Christmas Carol) 
• I got my Sleigh License last week, just like we always talked about
• Grandma Sued the Reindeer  
• Cocking Around the Christmas Tree
• Talking Around The Christmas Tree (It’s a boring holiday)
• Jingle Bell Cock 
• I Want An Apex Predator For Christmas 
• MistleHOE   
• 10 Hours of My Dad Yelling At Me (The Untangling Lights Song) 
• I’ll Be In The Dorms For Christmas 
• Elf, the Elf Song 
• Rudolph’s Noses by Owl City 
• All I Wanda for Christmas by Vision 
• Counting Presents by One Republic 
• Baby Got Back (In Time For Christmas) 
• Hey, Ghost of Christmas Future by Train 
• Let’s Marvin Gaye and Get It On (Under the Mistletoe) 
• Let’s Marvin Sleigh and Get It On
• Moves Like Santa by Maroon 5 
• Maps To Your House by Maroon 5 
• Deers Like You by Maroon 5 dedicated to Rudolph  
  • Run round with Bucks like me till sundown
• Milk and Cookies by Maroon 5 dedicated to Santa’s love for Sugar 
• Frosty the Snowman had very lucrative toes 
  • Frosty the Toeman? 
• Shape of Ewe by Ed Sheepran 
• Kiss Me (Under the Mistletoe) Baby One More Time by Britney Spears
• Kiss Me (Under the Mistletoe) Like You Wanna Be Loved by Ed Sheeran 
• Church Town Funk by Bruno Mars
• Upward (the Christian dating app) Town Funk by Bruno Mars
• Christ’s Team by Ed Sheeran 
• All About That Baste by Meghan Trainor 
• Memories of Christmas Past by Maroon 56 dedicated to Ebenezer Scrooge  
• When I Taste Eggnog by Dan and Shay
• All I Want For Christmas by Olivia Rodrigo, playing Nini in High School the Musical the Series
  • The Series: The Musical: The High School: The Nini
• 24 Karat Nights of Christmas by Bruno Mars
• We Found Christ by Rihanna
• Can you hurry sir, moma’s not got much time, for me to buy her christmas casket
• Old Town Church by Lil Nas X
• Call Me JC by Carly Rae Jepsen
• God’s Plan by Drake
• The Hanukkah song by Adam Snadler 

Real Telemarketer calls we have gotten

By the writers of The Pittiful News

• Contact tracers again… apparently I was “exposed” to “someone” with “COVID”.  Not falling for that shit. How do they know my friend who recently tested positive? He must have put them up to this.  
• Bird Watches. Watches for birds.
• Offers to sell me back my own liver at a markup.
• The FitnessGram Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20 meter pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly, but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal. A single lap should be completed each time you hear this sound.  Remember to run in a straight line,and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word start. On your mark, get ready, start.
• 1-800-588, 2300, EMPIIIIIIRE
  • (Today!)
• Presidential Alert System: THIS IS A TEST of the National Wireless Emergency Alert System. No action is needed.
• Are you afraid of the concept of cats with swords for limbs? If so, please press 1.
• Jehovah’s witnesses CALL now! I was so very pleasantly surprised that Covid safety was being held at such a high priority.
• “I’m helping to conduct a survey. Would you mind answering a few questions? Yes? Great! First, am I gonna die?”
• Your computer has a virus, and only I can cure it– for a low, low price of 500 dollars US exclusively in Apple Store gift cards.
• We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty. We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty. We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty. We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
• “Hello, this is the pole lickers fan club, may we speak to Lord Tyler”, “This is he”, “We are huge fans of your work, can you come lick some poles near us”, “I can lick street poles, people from Poland, or any of your local polling places” “All of the above please”
• “If you like piña coladas, and gettin’ caught in the rain”
• Some dweeb keeps calling me and saying he works for the “IRS” and I’m being “audited.” What does that even mean, Idiot Rescue Services? If you fall for a scam like that you’re really just bringing it upon yourself.
• Dear Gabriella, you have been randomly selected to participate in a student satisfaction Web survey of undergraduate students at the University of Pittsburgh. As a token of our appreciation for your efforts, we will enter you into a drawing for one of four iPad minis. The winners will be chosen after the survey is completed. By participating in this survey, you can let the University know what you think about your educational experiences and the quality of campus life. This will provide us with valuable insight as to how to improve services for present and future students. 
  • My name isn’t Gabriella.
• “Would you be interested in donating your legs, toes and/or other body parts to children in need?” -a call from a guy who sounded suspiciously like the Winklevoss twins from The Social Network.
• Hello my name is David and I am looking for a friend. Will you be my friend? Please?
• “Do you find yourself struggling to finish your homework and find motivation for your online classes? Lmao, same”
• Sometimes I get random ones in chinese but I don’t know any chinese (just imagine I wrote this in chinese).
• Nous avons essayé de vous contacter au sujet de la garantie prolongée de votre voiture. Nous avons essayé de vous contacter au sujet de la garantie prolongée de votre voiture. Nous avons essayé de vous contacter au sujet de la garantie prolongée de votre voiture. Nous avons essayé de vous contacter au sujet de la garantie prolongée de votre voiture.  Nous avons essayé de vous contacter au sujet de la garantie prolongée de votre voiture.
• Hello this is a hitman agency. We will take out Tyler Sikov for free, if you so desire.
• “Hey, this is your boss calling, again. You still haven’t come in and it’s been five days. If you skip work again so you can spend more time on Reddit, we are gonna fire you.”
• Hey Jessie 
• 01785 276126, they called me to tell me I had died.
• Affirmative. The target is in sight.
• Hello, it’s me, I’ve been wondering if, after all of these years, you’d like to meet, to go over everything, they say time heals you but I haven’t done much healing. 
• Hey girlboss! Are you tired of your 9-5? Do you wanna create your own schedule on your own terms? Well, I can show you how by selling tacky leggings! It’s so simple and easy and definitely financially sound.  
• A very nice man from Nigeria asked me to wire him some dollars US.
• Gently used and refurbished casket salesman. You wouldn’t think that would be a booming industry, but apparently a lot of folks opt for cremation at the last second.  
• Excuse me: I am homeless. I am gay. I have AIDS, and I’m new in town.
• Baby shoes for sale. Never worn, but they could be soon! What size are your baby’s feet?
• HI NUMBER NEIGHBOR!!!! MY NAME IS— *click*
• Προσπαθήσαμε να επικοινωνήσουμε μαζί σας σχετικά με την εκτεταμένη εγγύηση του αυτοκινήτου σας. Προσπαθήσαμε να επικοινωνήσουμε μαζί σας σχετικά με την εκτεταμένη εγγύηση του αυτοκινήτου σας. Προσπαθήσαμε να επικοινωνήσουμε μαζί σας σχετικά με την εκτεταμένη εγγύηση του αυτοκινήτου σας. Προσπαθήσαμε να επικοινωνήσουμε μαζί σας σχετικά με την εκτεταμένη εγγύηση του αυτοκινήτου σας. Προσπαθήσαμε να επικοινωνήσουμε μαζί σας σχετικά με την εκτεταμένη εγγύηση του αυτοκινήτου σας. 
• Hello, how are you? Have you been alright through all those lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely nights?
• Hey! How you feelin’? Are you still the same? Don’t you realize the things we did, we did, were all for real, not a dream? I just can’t believe they’ve all faded out of view. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, ooh.
• Hot Singles In My Area??? Yes Please!
• Excuse me yes hello I am looking for an companion would you be interested in having a sugar daddy? 
• Jolene? Jolene. Jolene! Jolene! I’m begging of you please don’t take my man. 
• Hey what’s up you guys? Yes! Welcome back to my channel. Today’s video is sponsored by naturebox. Naturebox is—
• Hot dog, fall out of bun, into sewer drain
• “Hello, is this the esteemed Lord Tyler” “Yes, yes this is”, “Hello, we found that you are entitled to a stake in the queen’s fortune when she dies.” “Oh yes, that makes sense as I am a lord.”, “We already have your bank routing number, we will send you the money once she passes.” “Thank you.”, “Oh, one more thing, we’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty–”
• “Yes I like piña coladas, and getting caught in the rain…”
• “I’m the Viper, I have come to Vipe your vindows”
• “Achoo” “Achoo” 
  • I got this one at 2 am, a cold caller at that hour
• “Hello, Lord Tyler, this is your ex-husband’s divorce attorney, Max Smith esq., we have reason to believe that you have murdered your ex, we understand that he sucked, I mean the only reason we kept him around was for the money, so I don’t blame you, but, your child support is still due for the 17 deer he purchased and convinced the Supreme Court of the United States are legally his biological children.
• “Hi sweetie, this is your grandmother.” “Shut up you old hag, stop calling me!”
  • This was not a telemarketer, I just hate my grandmother
• hto dog (sic)
• FBI open up
• Job interview for telemarketing position

I’m a closeted homo

By Lord Tyler Sikov

               It has been more than 6 months since I came back from the Orlando Pride Parade. I wrote an article about my adventures there if you would like to know more. Since my return I have been feeling a bit out of place. I feel like I am not truly me. I did some research online and I discovered I am without a doubt a homo. At this point I am a closeted homo because I am worried what my family will do if they find out. They are not the most accepting, they believe themselves above everyone and hardly ever offer words of encouragement for those less fortunate.

               I know that they will not react well to me being a homo, but I will have to tell them at some point. I love them and they have their own way to show their love for me. For some context I have a mom, a dad, 2 brothers, and a sister. My sister is rather shy and could be called a chicken so I know she will take whichever side has the most people on it. After a while she will accept me because I always comfort her whenever there are big loud noises.  My brother that is 2 years older than me will probably try to find a way to convince me I am wrong, probably telling me I just need to have a drink, take a bath, or eat some greens and then throw up to feel cleansed. If I can convince him that this is the way I am he will try to find a solution, a way to turn me back. But after a while he will come to his senses and will let me live the way I was meant to. My other brother, with his ginger hair, is much more understanding. I will convince him with my first confession. He has assured me that he will love me no matter what, especially because I help clean up after him and I help with his chores.  He is also the sibling that spends the most time in my room, he may even spend more time in there than I do.

               My parents will be a different story. I discovered a few years ago that I was adopted. But so were all of my siblings. My parents could not have children so they adopted four. A ginger boy, a raven black haired girl, a hazel eyed boy, and then me. They adopted me without knowing that I would turn out to be a glasses wearing homo. Some people will say that I look a bit like my father, and while I see it, I am the odd ball out of the family.

            I must say, it clicks, like it all clicks. This explain why I always dress different than the rest of my family. Me being a homo is why I am a much neater eater. The rest of my family are rather animalistic when they eat. I have a vastly different cleaning system and schedule, I am no where near as flexible as the rest of my family, and I am the only one capable of opening most jars in our house.

            I will just have to come out and say it.

            I will have to come out of my closet, another thing that I have that my family does not.

            I am a homo.

            I am a homosapien.

            My family are all cats, I am a homosapien, and I don’t know where to go from here.

I’m the Zodiac Killer

By Ted Cruz 

It all started at my local Subway sandwich joint in ‘17. I was delving into the second half of my footlong on italian with only shredded lettuce and yellow mustard, praying to God asking for him to put an end to this wretched stage of teenage veganism when my world was turned completely on its head. From the corner of my eye, I saw one of my fellow pre-play-rehearsal-subway-goers summon a picture from google on their iPod Touch. This troubled me greatly, as I knew that our Subway did not offer publicly available WiFi. Maybe the Lord or the universe or Simon Cowell had made this google search possible for my phoneless friend for a reason. My psychic senses were giving me that particular tingle that meant I was on the brink of destruction from the contents of my friend’s iPod fourth generation. My clairvoyance had never done me wrong up until now, and it wasn’t about to disappoint. When the photo was revealed to the rest of us, I knew that my carefree youth was behind me. 

When it became my turn to hold the iPod, I found myself looking into the sultry, republican eyes of one Ted Cruz. Smiling with his signature flare that screamed “I’m definitely part-iguana, or at the very least iguana-adjacent,” Tedward Cruz’s image faded into black, and I was left looking at my own reflection in the darkness of my friend’s dead electronic device. It is important to note that while I am now aware that the picture of Tedwin Cruz had vanished due to my freshman year compadre’s inability to carry a charger, I had no idea at the time. How? Well, that’s simple. I happen to look exactly like Tedgar Cruz. 

At that moment, I knew that my only option was to stand my ground; the two working Sandwich Artists were blocking the entrance with a Glock 19 in each of each of their hands. Yes, you read that correctly. Each of each of. That’s 4 glocks, all pointed at me in this Subway. And all because I bear a more-than-passing resemblance to Tedwick Cruz. 

Well, I may be misleading you there. As all of you know by now, Tedmund Cruz has been found by the Court of Public Opinion to be responsible for the Zodiac Killer shenanigans of the 60s and 70s. Of course, I could not have anything to do with these murderous hijynx! I wasn’t even close to being born at this time in history, or so I had managed to make all those around me believe up until now. But now my secret was out. I, Sarah, am the Zodiac Killer. 

How did I hide my secret identity from society at large until this fateful sandwich outing, you ask? The answer is simple. Each morning and night, I lather my face in Johnson & Johnson diaper rash cream and spray my entire body from head to hammer toe in WD-40, as I have every single day since my inaugural crime spree in the mid to late 1960s. (Don’t drill me on the semantics, it’s easy to forget the particulars when you have so many tracks to cover. It happens to the best of us) I managed to live the entire first half of my life in a solitary hideyhole in order to set the scene for a future where there would be nobody to accidentally confess my crimes to. Then, around 1963, I hit the ground running. Blah, blah, you’ve heard the story. Cyphers and the like. Cut to this Veggie Delite sandwich on this day in this Subway, and the jig is finally up. 

In order to punish me for my heinous (all the while impressive) crimes, the U.S. government has bestowed upon me a punishment that compared to the Death Penalty, seems a tad cruel and unusual. From now until 2024 or 2025, depending on how my grades turn out, I am doomed to a future of writing about extreme winter sports and retail-worker anecdotes on

this here publication. Worse yet, the crew at the Pittiful News isn’t even letting me touch the whole horoscope thing. They say it would be too meta. What do they know anyway?