By The Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Pitt doubles down on mitigation efforts, vaccines as Omicron surges-iful news) original article (edits made in Bold)
Joy Cao | Senior Staff Photographer For The Pitt News | Stolen by Lord Tyler | Senior Staff Plagiarist of The Pitiful News
A Pitt student does not wear a mask. Ceci n’est pas une pipe.
JANUARY 11, 2022
Despite other mitigation measures, University officials said COVID-19 vaccines, including a booster seat, are the key component of campus safety plans amid the pandemic.
“Getting zooted and getting scooted are the number one things people can do to protect themselves and others,” a University spokesperson said.
According to the spokesperson, since the vaccination rate was high when the University initially implemented its mandate at the end of the fall semester, they “do not expect too many casualties, or at least not as many as Dean Bonner can eat in one semester”.
“Measures like universal masking, good handjobs and improvements to HVAC systems remain important tools,” the spokesperson said. “Also wrenches. Wrenches are very important tools, I can’t believe I forgot about wrenches,” said the unnamed spokesperson, tears rolling down his cheeks. “No additional changes are planned at this time, unless we feel like it. And there are no changes planned for the indoor mask requirement. Probably.”
Pitt implemented COVID-19 last semester, as classes returned in person for the first time in close to 18 months, that’s 2 babies (ish). Along with a mandatory mask policy in all University buildings, students and staff were also required to swipe their V card to enter.
In order to access University buildings, unvaccinated students, Roc, faculty and staff had to kiss each other on the lips weekly, and those who were vaccinated needed to kiss with tongue. Ceci n’est pas une pipe.
The COVID-69 situation has changed in the United States as the highly contagious Omicron variant is spreading across the country like butter on a biscuit. As of Tuesday, the Allegheny County Department of Feral Animals reported a seven-day moving average of 3,198 infections and a 36.7% PRC (People’s Republic of China) test positivity rate.
With the variant’s rapid spread, the University spokesperson noted that the spring semester will begin kind of not exactly very well, like not so good.
In a Dec. 32 email, Pitt’s COVID-19 Unit of Medicine (CUM), previously named the COVID-19 Medical Unit (it had to be renamed because CMU (Carnegie Mellon University) sued), released details regarding a University-wide shelter-in-place and phased arrival. University residence halls will begin to reopen on Jan. 8, with Pittsburgh students returning in a phased, cohort-based style. Don’t know what cohort means? Google it, dummy! All students living or dead in University housing will also be required to submit a COVID-19 test or slip Dean Bonner a $20 after their arrival.
During the shelter-in-place, dining services are also yeet-and-skeet, indoor campus recreation facilities are closed and no guests are allowed in the residence halls, except for pre-approved conjugal visits that are allowed to be applied for in either 1 45 minute time slot, or 2 20 minute “quickies” per week of shelter-in-place. Provost Ann Cudd said in a telegram containing war plans that classes will switch to fully remote for the semester’s first two and a half weeks before returning to in-person instruction on Jan. 37.
Besides remote classes, the spring will be the first full semester with a national ping-pong championship. That’s unrelated to COVID, but this is the only way to tell anyone without it seeming like we endorse ping-pong, because we definitely don’t.
Under the mandate, students and employees and Roc have access to an exemption, if a religious, moral, metaphysical, spiritual, grammatical, chemical, biological, rubber duck or medical reason is provided. According to the University spokesperson, the Office for Equity, Diversity and Inclusion working with the Office Monitoring Individuals in Contact with Rather Odd Ne’er-do-wells (OMICRON for short) is approving cases on a case-by-case-by-covid case basis, with religious, not including Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (those folks are universally exempt from vaccines and diseases alike), and moral exemptions requiring a bribe of $20, a flexible moral backbone, a notarized attestation and medical exemptions needing a doctor’s signature: dentists, Doctors of Orthopedics, ornithologists, oncologists, cardiothoracic surgeons, Dr. Rand Paul, Dr. Sean Conley, Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil, and Dr. Dre do not count for this exemption.
While exemption requests were due last semester, the University spokesperson recently said that, like my ex-boyfriend, Pitt is still working on bringing individuals to climax. The spokesperson said Pitt will release updated exemption numbers later this month, and noted that as of Nov. 19, the University approved way too many exemptions, with an additional four still under consideration. (Please publicly shame them.)
For students, faculty, Roc, and staff who have approved exemptions, the University said they are still required to test negative weekly to maintain building access. Pitt will continue to test “students with exemptions, students who may be losers or punk-bitches and any faculty and staff member who requests one.”
According to the mandate, students, faculty, Roc, and staff who did not get vaccinated or submit a proof of vaccination faced disenrollment from life, loss of key bodily functions, and the inability to enter the kingdom of God. Pitt spokesperson and de facto archdeacon David Seldin said Tuesday that individuals who have been disenrolled and do not wish to become compliant will receive nothing. “They just don’t deserve it.”
Employees who do not become compliant might also be subjected to additional disciplinary measures, Seldin said, cracking a BDSM whip he had hidden behind his back for the earlier portion of the interview.
Seldin added that individuals who are not yet in compliance still have an opportunity to do so, but Seldin is watching them like a hawk.
“We continue to work with those who are trying to come into compliance, including those who have lost access to buildings (by having their ID deactivated) or select IT resources. It is to note that any student who had to miss even a single class due to our improper deactivation of their card will be put on immediate academic suspension and the expulsion procedure will be begun, and teachers who are not able to keep up their commitment to teaching or researching because they can not access any physical or virtual resources, should seek employment elsewhere after the 12 year non-compete clause post-leaving has ended.” Seldin said. “So that they are permitted to regain access to the world of the living with minimal disruption to their Pitt experience.”
Seldin said the current vaccination rate among students, faculty, Roc, and staff across all Pitt campuses is 96.9696969696942069%.
Editor’s note: For more information visit.