By the Writers of the Pittiful News
- Drink a pi-nt of beer
- Drop by CVS to get Pi Day decor at 3.1415… percent off
- Assassinate Julius Caesar
- Eat Tyler’s cat
- no
- okay but, like, what if…?
- Read some Shakespire
- Take down the Pi Day tree
- O Pi Day tree, O Pi Day tree, thou art a symbol national
- O Pi Day tree, O Pi Day tree, thou represent’st th’irrational
- Your boughs so warm in oven’s heat, remain so warm on the cookie sheet
- O Pi Day tree, O Pi Day tree, thou art a symbol national
- Assassinate the Little Caesar’s mascot
- Implying the existence of a Big Caesar, who will also be terminated
- “Why, man, he doth bestride the narrow world like a Big Caesar.” – Papa John
- “The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars/But in ourselves.” – John Green
- “You put the killing 3.1415 right between your teeth, but you don’t give 3.1415 the power to do its killing.” – Also John Green, John Green’s son
- Medium Caesar shall also be terminated. No (Ro)man left behind.
- Implying the existence of a Big Caesar, who will also be terminated
- Polish the Pi Day altar
- Remember the pi-lights of yesterday
- Stab someone with a pi-ke
- Hail Lord Pi-ler Pi-kov
- Eat some pi-zza
- Eat some pi-neapple too. but not on top of the pi-zza, you fucking heathen
- Engage in pi-litical debate that estranges you from one side of your family
- Come out as pi-sexual
- Eat 3.141 apple pies by yourself
- I like to spend the day pi myself
- All pi myself
- I don’t wanna be
- All pi myself
- Anymore
- All pi myself
- I don’t wanna be
- All pi myself
- See what CNN has to report from yesterday… so much for the tolerant left
- Friend my high school geometry teacher on facebook and tell her I miss her
- Do the same but with my high school english teacher
- Tend to the rabbits
- Hail to Pi-tt
- Ask Dean Bonner how he spent his Pi Day… in a pi-lite manner
- Burn all of my Dr. Seuss books in solidarity with… racism? TBH, I just like arson
- Pi-necone?
- Analyze the proletarian undertones in Dolly Parton’s “9 to 5”
- What a way to make a livin’
- Pretend to know how college basketball works
- Eat a big ole’ bowl of mashed potatoes (pi-tatoes?)
- Watch Back to the Future with Pi-chael J. Fox as Marty McPi
- Read Pi-lights Magazine
- Learn Greek
- Change your clocks another hour forward in honour of 2 irrational things happening in one day
- Pi-ne for your long-dead lover
- Pi-romania.
- Pyromania.
- Do it.
- Pyromania.
- Pledge a frat with Pi in the title to honor the legacy
- Sneeze
- Do you need a pi-ssue?
- This pun didn’t work. I a-pi-lo-pi-ze.
- Do you need a pi-ssue?
- Pi-lot an aircraft without a pi-lot’s license.
- Cut off a large pi-ece of your hair
- Write a pi-larious article for the Pi-ttiful News
- Move away from Pi-nnsylvania
- Hail to Pi-tt (again)
- Live pi-cariously through your teen daughter
- Read the pi-ography of Archimedes
- Live on the run, pi-ding from the authorities
- Fuck the pi-lice
- You can also play pi-ng dong pi-tch
- Sing “American Pi” by Don McLean
- Watch the American Pi movie series (same cast as that Numb3rs show)
- Eat a big ole’ bowl of mac n cheese
- Crucify Jesus Christ. Call me Pontius Pi-late.
- Wean yourself slowly off of the pi puns. It’s okay, it takes some people months to break the ha-pi-t.
- Take your pi-me
- Bake a cake to see that there are still other desserts out there
- Light your own funeral pi-re
- Act irrational for an infinite amount of time
The Pitiful News 