#predictions

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly/Currently Teenagers, a concept the writers of this show are unfamiliar with)

There is a lot of kissing
Someone exits, pursued by a bear
They enter the wardrobe and meet the requisite Lion and Witch
A crossover scene with the BAU from Criminal Minds when Zendaya’s character gets temporarily murdered by the Zodiac Killer (Ted Cruz)
There is a scene from the director’s sex tape inserted secretly but only if you play it backwards at precisely midnight
Jughead decides to get a perm, abandoning his signature beanie
The Gang Commits A War Crime
- (“It’s Always Sunny” theme playing in the background)
Nate and McKay go to Overeaters Anonymous to help the mental aspect of their pageant careers, but hijinx ensue when they start murdering people
Homer and Marge finally divhorse. Wait, no– they divorse. What’s– what’s going on why can’t I spell the word–
- *gunshot* -Lord Tyler Sikov
Archie gets PTSD
- Archie (from Glee) gets PTSD (unrelated)
Darth Vader was Luke’s father the whole time
- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
The cast sings Seasons of Love to honor their classmate Finn
Someone gets pulled out of a room by an old timey cane
The Beatles break up
Mike and Sully join Oozma Kappa
The murderous psychiatrist who eats people? Yeah, his name rhymes with Cannibal.
Nate tries to learn the Supalonely TikTok dance and chokes out his neighbor when he isn’t able to get the moves down. Kid’s got some anger issues.
It was his sled
The Gang Gets Involved In A Game Of Strip Sorry Sliders
- (“It’s Always Sunny” theme playing in the background, slightly warped)
Your favorite ship discovers that they are aroused by fire and turn into serial arsonists
Joseph R. Biden becomes the 46th President of the United States of America
Joe sets fire to the house while Taylor Swift plays in the background. He cuts off his toe to sweeten the deal and puts it into a pie. He flees to Paris to find his lover, leaving his Love behind.
Lexi and Fes talk all night and we find out that Fes’ grandma was sexy once upon a time
We call to ask about your car’s extended warranty. Again.
Mulan was a woman the whole time
Dr. Grey dies and donates her skeleton to an anatomy teacher
- Dr. Greysanatomy? Noooooooo
The Gang Steals The Declaration Of Independence Or Whatever (I Love Nic Cage)
- (“It’s Always Sunny” theme playing in the background but it sounds suspiciously like “Party In The U.S.A.” by Bruce Springsteen)
A thirty year old man takes an American History exam; fails
They do a whole lotta drugs. Where the hell do they get all of the drugs?
- Do you know how much drugs cost?
An entire episode is devoted to what you are meant to do with your body when you kiss
- Where do I put my hands?
- I have a long tongue, is this a problem?
- Whenever a girl kisses me I faint, is this normal?
- What am I meant to do with the clown nose?
- After kissing, this shining bearded guy surrounded by clouds comes down to give me a fist bump, who’s man’s is this?
Zendaya
That weird dude from the Kissing Booth kills his dad
Hype House crossover episode
The execs at HBO order the director to have more scenes of high schoolers in sexually explicit situations. Nothing wrong with that.
One of the characters says “I am become Euphoria”
One of the characters says “I am feeling Euphoria Streaming Now on HBO Max”
One of the characters says “I’ve had it with all of this Eu on my Phoria.”
- One of the characters says “I am going to buy HBO Max”
Kat goes to a poetry club to listen to slam poetry versions of Pitiful News articles
Fez goes to a poetry club to sell drugs
Kylo Ren was daddy the whole time
One of the characters gets COVID and they take a two week break from drama
Noah Centineo is cast as “DominantDaddy2”
One of the characters gets popular on YouTube and joins the Dream SMP
One of the characters is revealed to be Wendy Wu: Homecoming Warrior
Rue is sad
These high schoolers throw a bigger party than you or I have ever seen
Corpsehusband gets arrested for sleeping with highschool students during many raves
HBO recasts some of the characters to make them teens like the characters they play and so there will be even less wrong with showing them fully naked and in sexually explicit situations.
HOBO makes a full episode inside of a homeless shelter where the main conflict is over the worth of homeless people, they end up killing 45 of them
At the end of the series finale, instead of doing a jump freeze frame, the entire cast does the Radio Rebel Debby Ryan face

By the Writers of the Pittiful News

I will remain alone.
Dean Bonner will unhinge his jaw like a snake and eat Provost Ann Eggbert Cudd.
J.K. Rowling will announce that Hogwarts was based off of The University of Pittsburgh.
I will eat another cactus.
I will kill another cactus.
I will expand my parameters on Tinder. Age? Location? Gender? We’ll see.
TikTok will sponsor the entire Pitt Theater Department.
My parents will love me.
The Power of Pitt signs will stay safe and unmolested for the entire year.
Roc will find love and retire to start a family.
I’ll find a new use for my now-empty under-the-bed wine cellar (it’s a storage tote).
I will be able to successfully count all the dots on my ceiling.
I might actually wear that dress I bought before COVID.
Mr. Sir His Highness Dean Bonner will continue to go on his “safety walks” and “gather feedback” from “students”. I bet half of the people he’s talking to don’t even go here!
- Drop the names, Kenyon!!!!
That one spot on Forbes will continue to smell absolutely rancid.
Upperclassmen may not be able to make rent due to the lack of freshmen partying.
Your Tinder date will go badly.
90% of freshmen will get overcharged for weed.
You will save up your dining dollars only to be sent home in two months and never be able to use them again.
Eric will be paid generously for his hard work here at the Pittiful News.
It will turn out that your college experience was merely a very long dream you had during a coma you went in during high school– all of that knowledge you have accumulated is literally just dreamy nonsense.
I will be happy, finally. Right guys? Right?
The panther statue will become a COVID superspreader.
My illegal hamster will join the Cathy Club.
Maybe I’ll learn how to cook.
I will fall asleep in the arms of my beloved. (This could be difficult as I buried them two months ago after I successfully became a widower.)
Tyler will learn to spell words with two or more syllables.
- It is Lord Tyler to you.
My third album will go platinum.
- It had Kelly Clarkson.
We will live underwater.
Your great great great granddaughter is doing fine.
Lord Tyler will fake his own death anywhere from 6 to 30 more times.
I will dye my hair red in a 3AM caffeine-induced panic attack and cover it up by claiming someone was murdered in my shower.
Flex at Pitt becomes the name of Pitt’s new Department of Yoga Studies.
Flex at Pitt will become rigid.
I will spend all of my money at Dunkin’ after promising not to.
I will continue to lie, cheat, and steal my way through online classes. Sike haha don’t show the department boards this.
The COVID vaccine will have the unexpected side effect of herpes.
I will download Dark Zoom for my illegal, bad boy classes.
President Biden will abdicate his throne to the My Pillow Guy.
Groundhog Day will be cancelled due to lack of people caring.
Groundhog Day (1993) (film) will be cancelled because of some super scandalous goings-on with Tom Hanks and Bill Murray.
I will have to take a tinkie winkie or a stinkie winkie and I will do it in my sinkie winkie.
Another COVID vaccine will come out and be like downloading knowledge from the Matrix.
I will send Ann E. Cudd’s emails to spam. Cutting out toxic people in 2021.
- Preach Sister.
Same problem, different pandemic. Once the masks go by the wayside, condoms will follow suit. Patient zero? Roc the Panther.
Amazon will dominate.
The Perch employees will get mad at me and I will cry.
I will cry more often, and my tears will be far more powerful.
I will find you.
The “es hora de comer” guy will admit to four counts of homicide and subsequent cannibalism.
Pitt will finally open up their definition of clubs to include cults and sketchy religious organizations.
The alt kids will start unironically wearing JoJo Siwa merch around campus.
Even in a global pandemic, the members of the Cathy Club will increase tenfold. Do not underestimate the power of horny freshmen.
Dean Bonner will send out an email proclaiming that he is “very disappointed in us”.
- The Pittiful News will parody said email.
I will finally get the spoon I lent to a friend back.
This club’s name will change.
I will finally get up the courage to come out as pro-beastiality so I can ask out my crush, Galligator.
Miraculous LadyBug season 4 will come out.
People, places, and things will happen.
Roc will star in a porno for meth money. It will be his Roc bottom.
- Aptly entitled “Roc’s Bottom”.
Maybe I’ll pay the dues (just maybe).
I will burn out halfway through and abandon all of my commitments and blame it on Zoom. Again.
I will finally get the bagels on a stick that Tbo promised me back when iCarly was on the air.
Cottagecore Club.
Forty leprechaun-sized men will hijack the Cathedral of Learning and fly it to the moon.
I’ll spend a tuition’s worth of money at the Forbes Chipotle– if they can get orders ready fast enough.
I will hide away the spoon I “borrowed” from a friend so they never find out I used it to eat peanut butter from the jar.
The sixth Jonas Brother will be revealed.
The Czechoslovak Nationality Room will be replaced by the E-Girl Room.
The Pittiful News will change their name. (again)
A group of friends, in some Pitt dorm, somewhere will pledge to start a podcast that nobody will listen to.
The fifth Jonas Brother will succumb to the same STD as Roc did.
People will finally start listening to my podcast.