In a shocking turn of events, noted pseudoscientist and Harvard alumnus Dr. Mehmet Oz has been declared the winner of the Pennsylvania senate race after thousands of ballots pour in from New Jersey.
Announcing his victory from his New Jersey mansion, which shares the address of over 500 of the tardy ballots, Oz celebrated the eventual voice of the people overcoming the radical left machine.
Fetterman, in a fit of rage, was spotted tearing off his pullover hoodie (which, to our surprise, revealed a second pullover hoodie of the same color and design) while muttering the words “from Pennsylvania, for Pennsylvania…”. Fetterman, ultimately, was not the runner-up of the election after the mail-in votes were tallied, with second place going to ‘‘Nemet Oz”, which was somehow penciled on every ballot received from Texas.
Fetterman went on to say that the ballots were clearly fraudulent, as many of them were signed ‘Mehmet Oz’. A spokesperson for the Oz campaign responded to this by hiding from reporters in the bushes.
Dr. Oz supporters were suspiciously un-surprised at the late change of fortune for the republican nominee. One voter said, “No, I’m not surprised at all. Once you’ve stuffed as many ballot boxes as I have, you kind of develop a sense of who’s going to win. Especially when you open them and change the boxes”
Fetterman was also infuriated by the third party and write-in votes that could have carried the important election for the democrats. According to sources at Vote.org, over 100,000 votes were cast for Sidney Crosby, and almost 70,000 voters wrote in “Kenny Pickett’s hands.” The Pittsburgh Steelers had to forfeit their sixth-round draft pick for the upcoming year to the Democratic Party, which plans to select a replacement for the aging Presidential position.
When asked for his reaction, Josh Shapiro laughed at our reporters as he ate a comically large bucket of popcorn. His evil twin brother, Benjamin Shapiro, regarded Oz’s win as “purely hypothetical and backed by facts and logic.”
The RNC celebrated Oz’s win on Sunday night with a “cardiology-themed bash,” with the hearts of goats and other innocent beasts spiked on the walls.
New Jersey Republican millionaire and Pennsylvania Senate candidate Mehmet Oz is facing significant criticism after comments he made resurfaced. In 2014 he appeared to give the green light to incestuous relationships. This is not the first time he discussed incest in a positive light. He did a segment on what your poop says about how far on a family tree you have to look to find your soulmate.
During an interview with morning radio show The Breakfast Club in February 2014, not to be confused with the “The Breakfast Bunch” episode of Nickelodeon’s hit tv show Victorious which also came out in 2014, Oz was asked to weigh in on a question sent in by a listener about someone struggling with an incestuous relationship.
At the time, host Angela Yee asked Oz the following question:
“I’m going to ask you this, because you are friends with the foremost expert in incest Rudi Gulianni, and you tell me if this is safe for this person, okay?”
“Well, he said, ‘Yee, I can’t stop smashing my cousin.’ That means sleeping with.”
“‘We hooked up at a young age and now in our 20s, she still wants it. No matter how much I want to stop, I always give it to her. Help me.’
A week later we got an update to this question saying ‘My mom heard this on the radio the first time you answered it and now she has started joining in, but I am even more conflicted because these have been my first threesomes and because I have always been a mama’s boy”
What advice would you give that person?”
Rather than point this individual toward counseling services, Oz shocked listeners when he downplayed the situation and took the conversation in an entirely different direction, saying:
“If you’re more than a first cousin away, it’s not a big problem. Any closer related to you and it is much more of a case by case basis. How hot are they, because that has to play a part in it. How likely are you to get caught? Are they normal or nuts? Is the age difference enticing? How often is this happening? And what is their playlist like, because if it contains CBAT by Hudson Mohawke, run! The answers to each of these questions greatly change my recommendations of what to do.” …
“Every family has genetic strengths and weaknesses.”
“And so the reason we naturally crave people who are not so like us is because you just mix the gene pool up a little bit so that if I had one gene for, let’s say, hemophilia, which is a classic example where you must consume blood to survive, I don’t want to marry a cousin who has the same hemophilia gene, because the chance of our child having both those genes is much higher. Back in the Dark ages, people would reproduce with their family members quite often and that only ever angered the townspeople and, as any doctor knows, hemophiliacs hate the sight of fire and pitchforks.”
“You know, that’s why children, girls don’t like their fathers’ smell. Their pheromones will actually repel their daughters because they’re not supposed to be together.”
“My daughters hate my natural smell. That is why I wear cologne all the time, it makes them struggle less when we, to borrow a phase, be smashing“
Oz’s remarks resurfaced following reporting by Jezebel‘s Caitlin Cruz, who noted that considering Oz “has already been saying too much as a candidate, you know the things coming out of his mouth must have been pretty bad before.”
Indeed, these remarks soon caught the attention of John Fetterman, Oz’s Democratic opponent, who said they represented “Yet another issue where Oz and I disagree.”
Social media users were quick to echo Fetterman’s sentiments and offered their own criticisms of Oz.
Oz has attracted significant scorn on social media in recent months, particularly for running in Pennsylvania’s Senate race despite living in New Jersey. He would have gotten away with convincing people that he lives in PA if it weren’t for those meddling kids at the Jersey Shore show having footage of Oz as his recurring character “The Situation”.
Fetterman, who suffered a near-fatal stroke in May, has generated support in his time off the campaign trail by launching social media campaigns that have emphasized Oz’s ties to New Jersey and minimal ties to Pennsylvania. One of his best bits is going to every rest stop in PA and tweeting pictures of himself in front of the map of PA at each one with a cardboard Oz head on a stick(aka Flat Mehmet), so Oz could “Finally visit some places in PA”.
Last month, Oz was widely roasted on social media after his past tweets about “poop” resurfaced. These tweets were unrelated to incest but it is still strange that this Mehmet guy talks about poop so much.
Oz, who made millions and became a household name as the titular “Dr. Oz” on a show that garnered heavy criticism due to his promotion of pseudoscience, including on the topics of alternative medicine, faith healing and various paranormal beliefs, wrote several tweets about bowel movements in over a decade of being a regular Twitter user.
Editor’s note: This article is sponsored by POOP (Please Oppose Oz Pennsylvania)
Okay, okay, settle down now. I know that all of you 3rd Amendment stans might take this the wrong way, but I can assure you that I will have changed your mind on this subject by the end of the time we have together. You guys had a good run! In its time, big number three was the best of the best – the cream of the crop of constitutional commandments. But, to state the obvious, times have changed. In light of the COVID-19 pandemic that forever changed how we view social interaction, I believe it to be time to change the way we think about our amendments as well – and allow ourselves to have friends again.
In case you don’t know what I’m talking about, because you slept through your U.S. history lectures in high school because your teacher wouldn’t stop complaining about their divorce, allow me to fill you in on the basics. The 3rd Amendment was ratified (an archaic word referring to a process in which big rats gnaw on a wooden box containing a scroll with the amendment written on it – if the rats get through the box before the new moon, the amendment would be accepted) in 1791 (an archaic number referring to the concepts of ‘years’ which no longer have any meaning). It was proposed in response to some British people being weird and annoying, so, as good a reason as any, I guess. The amendment itself says:
“No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.”
What? Still don’t get it? I should’ve known that my younger audience couldn’t possibly understand the incredible nuance of the great writers of yesteryear. Allow me to translate:
“The redcoats keep getting in through the crack under the door and eating all of my baked goods. I’m going to pass a law to ban squatting because I’m selfish.”
Got it? Good. Now we can debate like true constitutional scholars.
We as a people have been shut off from the rest of the world for the past two years. The concept of real life has been long lost to the void, and any human socialization has been neutered into a shameful replication of how the world should be. I’m not saying the third amendment is to blame, but it has been in the Constitution for the entire pandemic. Coincidence? Let’s find out.
My plan is simple: repeal the amendment, and then set up a government organization to match people living on their own with a nice soldier friend! The FBI can just compare all of the data they have on us with our new soulmates – and boom. The loneliness caused by the pandemic is instantly solved. You and General Bestie can live out the rest of your days together, in a government-assigned paradise. They might even be attractive – or even better: not part of the alt-right!
I’m lonely. Yeah, I can admit it. I’m secure enough in my loneliness to be able to say that. Are you? I bet not. Coward. Repealing the 3rd amendment is crucial to restoring the broken psyche of the American people. Most people are too scared to admit it, and that’s why we need the power of the federal government – we all know that only good things can happen when they get involved.
If you don’t like having friends, then you don’t have to agree with me. I understand your concerns (I’m an empath) and can admit when I might be wrong. If the plan doesn’t end up working, we can just repeal the repeal, no big deal. Remember when we banned drunk driving in the ’30s? What would America be without it?
All in all, I think it’s worth a shot. Some of the people in the military are pretty cool! I met this one guy who was in the Air Force, and he gave me my first cigarette if I promised not to tell my mom that I let him out of the basement. You’re gonna tell me that you don’t want to have that guy living with you? Friends are necessary for people to expand their mental boundaries and make intimate connections that are oh so rare these days. If you’re sympathetic to my views, consider joining the movement and ask your congressman to repeal the 3rd amendment. We’re always looking for more people to join our team of people who appreciate the government agents that are living in my walls.
The Pitiful News 