By the writers of the Pitiful News
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Angelic, disembodied Voice of the Provost
To My Spawn:
The period during which instructors were encouraged to submit midterm grades to be available via PeopleSoft/HighPoint Campus Experience (XCX) was completed on October 19 or you know, whenever they want. Fortunately, midterm grades are not currently viewable through PeopleSofti XCX, but students can view them in “PeopleSoft Classic.” Our resolution by November 2024 is to have midterm grades included in the new PeopleSoft/HighPoint Campus Mega Experience Mark Two Revenge of the UI (HCMXM2RUNxe5).
In order to access mid-term grades via “PeopleSoft Classic,” use the following navigation.
0. Come to terms with the fact you will never see your family and friends again following the viewing of your grades. You will be put into a Witness Protection Program and forced to live in a secret bunker under the Roc statue by the Union. (Pull up on tail to put in access code (Code: 80085)).
.5 Are you REALLY sure you want to see your grades? We’re trying to help you with this warning. It’s for your own good.
1. Log in to the my.pitt portal and select the PeopleSoft Information for Student System (PISS) button in the shape of a big blue panther (BBP). (If it is not on your dashboard, you can use “Ask Jeeves” (AJ) at the top of the page (TotP).)
1.5 Do a barrel roll! (Note: if you don’t perform this step, Pitt will break your kneecaps)
1.51 If Pitt’s Collegiate Dog Brian can do a better barrel roll than you, Brian will break your kneecaps
2. Once in the Sonic Adventures Highpoint CX Dashboard, select “PeopleSoft Full Site” from the bottom of the menu on the left side of the page. (Your camera will be on so we WILL see if you still have to hold up your hands to know which side is left, plebeian).
2.5 Write an essay on why you should be able to see your grades. Please wait 10-20 business days for our people to get back to you.
3. At the top of the PeopleSoft Classic page that appears, please solve the provided crossword in less than 5 minutes, but no more than 3. If that is confusing, you can always [REDACTED]. However, pressing the adjacent button will uninstall your computer’s operating system. We are aware of this issue, and we are working on it!
3.5 Explain all of David Lynch’s work. This step isn’t mandatory, but we don’t understand his work and just need someone to explain it to us.
4. On the results page, enter the three digits on the back, and the expiration month and year. But, you gotta be quick so that Dean Bonner can secure the bag and achieve the EPIC… VICTORY… ROYALE!!!!!!!!!!!!
4.5 Get your parent’s credit card and give us the numbers on the front, the expiration date, and the 3 or 4 wacky numbers on the back. This is a very important step, don’t ask why. (Wait what do you mean we already wrote this in the step above?)
5. In the PeopleSoft Student Center, select “Grades” from the drop down in the Academics section and click the “pay outstanding debt” button.
5.5 This will take you to an Adfly page. Please wait ten seconds to get redirected to the actual website. DO NOT CLICK ON ANY OF THE DOWNLOAD BUTTONS, A VIRUS WILL BE INSTALLED ON YOUR COMPUTER. THEY WILL WATCH YOU THROUGH YOUR WEBCAM AND LISTEN TO EVERY WORD YOU SAY.
5.6 In the event of a virus being installed, please pay us $32 for the Pitt Virus Protection Client ($40 for the Personal Protector Panther Pitt Provost Plan that looks like Roc)
5.7 Chop up your Pitt ID into thin strips and slide them into your USB port for further identification.
5.8 Approve the access on DUO by entering the password pushed. For security, DUO’s encrypted password has been sent to a random IP address somewhere in Europe. Once decoded, you must locate the correct locker in a randomly generated American High School and enter the key.
5.9 Watch the entirety of “Silence of the Lambs” while the page loads (guys did you know this movie was filmed in Pittsburgh like omg did you know that so cool am I right)
6. Once on the “View Other’s Grades Page,” any grades posted for any currently enrolled student will be displayed, as well as their phone number and home address. You can switch between Mid-term and Final grades by choosing the appropriate tab under the term being displayed, dumbass. Ever used a computer? Please do not use Inspect Element on this page, as this will change your official Pitt grades for this year. To view grades from another term, please email the office of the Vice Chair of Administration for the Undergraduate Chief of Operations Sentinel Assistant Manager, Mark (email@example.com).
***In the event that firstname.lastname@example.org is down, please panic. You will never see your grades again.
If you have any questions, please keep them to yourself.
Senator Joseph McCarthy, R-WI
Vice Provost and Fortnite Aficionado for Undergraduates Studies and Fishing