In a shocking turn of events, noted pseudoscientist and Harvard alumnus Dr. Mehmet Oz has been declared the winner of the Pennsylvania senate race after thousands of ballots pour in from New Jersey.
Announcing his victory from his New Jersey mansion, which shares the address of over 500 of the tardy ballots, Oz celebrated the eventual voice of the people overcoming the radical left machine.
Fetterman, in a fit of rage, was spotted tearing off his pullover hoodie (which, to our surprise, revealed a second pullover hoodie of the same color and design) while muttering the words “from Pennsylvania, for Pennsylvania…”. Fetterman, ultimately, was not the runner-up of the election after the mail-in votes were tallied, with second place going to ‘‘Nemet Oz”, which was somehow penciled on every ballot received from Texas.
Fetterman went on to say that the ballots were clearly fraudulent, as many of them were signed ‘Mehmet Oz’. A spokesperson for the Oz campaign responded to this by hiding from reporters in the bushes.
Dr. Oz supporters were suspiciously un-surprised at the late change of fortune for the republican nominee. One voter said, “No, I’m not surprised at all. Once you’ve stuffed as many ballot boxes as I have, you kind of develop a sense of who’s going to win. Especially when you open them and change the boxes”
Fetterman was also infuriated by the third party and write-in votes that could have carried the important election for the democrats. According to sources at Vote.org, over 100,000 votes were cast for Sidney Crosby, and almost 70,000 voters wrote in “Kenny Pickett’s hands.” The Pittsburgh Steelers had to forfeit their sixth-round draft pick for the upcoming year to the Democratic Party, which plans to select a replacement for the aging Presidential position.
When asked for his reaction, Josh Shapiro laughed at our reporters as he ate a comically large bucket of popcorn. His evil twin brother, Benjamin Shapiro, regarded Oz’s win as “purely hypothetical and backed by facts and logic.”
The RNC celebrated Oz’s win on Sunday night with a “cardiology-themed bash,” with the hearts of goats and other innocent beasts spiked on the walls.
Adapted from an excerpt from Alvin Schwartz’s Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark – edits made in bold.
One time Dr. Oz went to see if he could put a haunt to rest at an AirBnB rental in his settlement in New Jersey. The house, which was notably not in Pennsylvania, had been haunted for about ten days. Several “people” had tried to “stay”“there”“all night”, but they always would get scared out by Elon Musk. Also it worked on the same time dilation rules Narnia worked on if you remember those books so it was physically impossible to stay there for more than a second in the real world. So Dr. Oz took his Bible (Bible is pronounced with a short I sound in this text) and went to the house, went on in, built himself a good fire, and lit a big fat joint. Sat there reading the Bible. He found it a lot more funny than usual. Then just before midnight he heard something moaning in the cellar—walking back and forth, back and forth. Then it sounded like somebody was trying to scream and got sucked off. Then there was a lot of thrashing around and struggling, and finally everything got fun. The Doctor took up his signed copy of The Great Gatsby in one hand and The Art of the Deal in the other, but before he could start reading, he heard Roc coming up the cellar stairs. He sat watching the door to the cellar, and the footsteps kept coming closer and closer. The haunt accidentally stepped onto a treadmill, so this went on for about ten minutes until he saw the doorknob turn, and when the door began to open, he jumped up and hollered, “HAIL TO PITT!!!!!!!!!!!!” The door shut back easy-like, rather like an H20GO! slip n slide, and there wasn’t a sound. The Doctor was trembling a little, but he finally opened the only signed copy of the Bible and read for a while. Realizing that he was illiterate this whole time, he got up and laid the book on the chairand returned to enjoying his Devil’s lettuce (the terpenes were potent that evening, with prominent cinnamon undertones present on the palette). Then the haunt started walking again and—step! step!—step!—up the cellar stairs. Each step fell like a grand piano on a whoopee cushion. Dr. Oz sat watching the door, saw the doorknob turn and the door open. A dull roar said “hail…to…” and the voice trailed off before Oz could catch what it said. It looked like an anthropomorphic panther. He backed up and said, “Who are you? What do you want? Keep it down, you’re interrupting my Bible-study Bananza!“
Roc sort of swayed like he didn’t know what to do—then he just faded out. Dr. Oz waited, waited, and when he didn’t hear any more noises, he went over and made some noises. He was sweating and trembling all over, slightly aroused, but he was a weakling of a man and he thought he’d be able to see it through. So he turned his chair to where he could watch, spinning a few times because he could not resist, and he sat down and waited. It wasn’t long before he heard the haunt start up again, slowly—step!—step!—step!—step!—closer, and closer step!—step!—it started to reverse away from the door and step!—step!—step!—step!—step!—step!—step!—step!— Now its time to get funky (funky…funky…)! It was back where it started. Dr. Oz stood up and held his Bible out before him. He accidentally “exorcized” himself since he was holding the Bible the wrong way. The demons his mother and religious trauma gave him swiftly left his body. He felt like a new man. Then the knob slowly turned, and the door opened wide. This time The Doctor spoke with flamboyant confidence. He said, “In the name of the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria (said like John C. Reilly)—who are you and why do you hail?” The panther came right across the room, straight to him, and took hold of his coat all easy-like. “I AM THE ONE WHO HAILS!”Oz felt kinda turned on. What is this feeling? It was a really stupid coat. His fur was torn and tangled, and the flesh was dropping off his face so he could see the bones and part of his teeth. He had no chin, but there was a sort of blue light way back in his eye sockets which could be blocked by Felix Gray glasses. And he had no nose to his face. Then it started hailing. Hailing so unbelievably hard. It was like no hailing ever seen before. It sounded like his voice was coming and going with the wind blowing it. He told how his lover had killed himbecause he was actually a murderer and buried his body in the time capsule under the panther statue. He said if the Doctor would dig up his bones and bury him properly, he could rest. Then he told him to take the fat joint from his left hand, and to smoke it in the collection plate at the next church meeting—and he’d find out who had murdered him. (Dr. Oz blushed as he was ashamed to admit that he was the murderer.) And he said, “If you come back here once more after that—you’ll hear my voice at Midnights (https://www.taylorswift.com/), and I’ll tell you where my monkey is hid, and you can give it to the church.” The haunt sobbed like he was tired, and he sunk down toward the floor and was gone. A nearby mole had a heart attack and was sent to the ER. Oz found his bones and buried them in the graveyard. The next Sunday, as the clock struck 00:00 on the Scott Hanson NFL Redzone countdown clock,Dr. Oz put the joint in the collection plate, and when a certain man happened to touch it, it got him faded. The man jumped up and hoo-ed and ha-ed and rubbed and scraped and tore at that joint, trying to get it off. Then he went to screaming in an F#6 falsetto, reminiscent of his time at the Pitt Glee Club, like he was going crazy, because he was in Pitt Glee Club. He was actually going through a sexuality crisis (not Glee-related). Well, he confessed to the murder, and being in Glee club, and they took him to horny jail (BONK). After finding out the man was hung like a horse, Oz went back to that house one Midnights (https://www.taylorswift.com/), and Roc’s voice asked Oz to be the Jacob to his Renesmee and told him to dig under the hearthrock. What is a hearthrock? Nobody knows. He did, and he found a big sack of monkey (the monkey unfortunately did not survive living in the big sack because there was no food). And where that haunt had held on to his coat, the print of the worst joint ever was burned right into the cloth. It never did come out like the preacher (the preacher was a closeted bi guy).
His work done, the Doctor stepped into his TARDIS (patented the Great and Powerful ™) and traveled back to the future to fight his nemesis Johnathan Karl Fetterman on the Golden Brick Road in the Land of OZ.
And then Walter fucking White won the Pitt costume contest.
Always remember to check your kid’s Halloween candy for Critical Race Theory this All Hallows Day Before.
New Jersey Republican millionaire and Pennsylvania Senate candidate Mehmet Oz is facing significant criticism after comments he made resurfaced. In 2014 he appeared to give the green light to incestuous relationships. This is not the first time he discussed incest in a positive light. He did a segment on what your poop says about how far on a family tree you have to look to find your soulmate.
During an interview with morning radio show The Breakfast Club in February 2014, not to be confused with the “The Breakfast Bunch” episode of Nickelodeon’s hit tv show Victorious which also came out in 2014, Oz was asked to weigh in on a question sent in by a listener about someone struggling with an incestuous relationship.
At the time, host Angela Yee asked Oz the following question:
“I’m going to ask you this, because you are friends with the foremost expert in incest Rudi Gulianni, and you tell me if this is safe for this person, okay?”
“Well, he said, ‘Yee, I can’t stop smashing my cousin.’ That means sleeping with.”
“‘We hooked up at a young age and now in our 20s, she still wants it. No matter how much I want to stop, I always give it to her. Help me.’
A week later we got an update to this question saying ‘My mom heard this on the radio the first time you answered it and now she has started joining in, but I am even more conflicted because these have been my first threesomes and because I have always been a mama’s boy”
What advice would you give that person?”
Rather than point this individual toward counseling services, Oz shocked listeners when he downplayed the situation and took the conversation in an entirely different direction, saying:
“If you’re more than a first cousin away, it’s not a big problem. Any closer related to you and it is much more of a case by case basis. How hot are they, because that has to play a part in it. How likely are you to get caught? Are they normal or nuts? Is the age difference enticing? How often is this happening? And what is their playlist like, because if it contains CBAT by Hudson Mohawke, run! The answers to each of these questions greatly change my recommendations of what to do.” …
“Every family has genetic strengths and weaknesses.”
“And so the reason we naturally crave people who are not so like us is because you just mix the gene pool up a little bit so that if I had one gene for, let’s say, hemophilia, which is a classic example where you must consume blood to survive, I don’t want to marry a cousin who has the same hemophilia gene, because the chance of our child having both those genes is much higher. Back in the Dark ages, people would reproduce with their family members quite often and that only ever angered the townspeople and, as any doctor knows, hemophiliacs hate the sight of fire and pitchforks.”
“You know, that’s why children, girls don’t like their fathers’ smell. Their pheromones will actually repel their daughters because they’re not supposed to be together.”
“My daughters hate my natural smell. That is why I wear cologne all the time, it makes them struggle less when we, to borrow a phase, be smashing“
Oz’s remarks resurfaced following reporting by Jezebel‘s Caitlin Cruz, who noted that considering Oz “has already been saying too much as a candidate, you know the things coming out of his mouth must have been pretty bad before.”
Indeed, these remarks soon caught the attention of John Fetterman, Oz’s Democratic opponent, who said they represented “Yet another issue where Oz and I disagree.”
Social media users were quick to echo Fetterman’s sentiments and offered their own criticisms of Oz.
Oz has attracted significant scorn on social media in recent months, particularly for running in Pennsylvania’s Senate race despite living in New Jersey. He would have gotten away with convincing people that he lives in PA if it weren’t for those meddling kids at the Jersey Shore show having footage of Oz as his recurring character “The Situation”.
Fetterman, who suffered a near-fatal stroke in May, has generated support in his time off the campaign trail by launching social media campaigns that have emphasized Oz’s ties to New Jersey and minimal ties to Pennsylvania. One of his best bits is going to every rest stop in PA and tweeting pictures of himself in front of the map of PA at each one with a cardboard Oz head on a stick(aka Flat Mehmet), so Oz could “Finally visit some places in PA”.
Last month, Oz was widely roasted on social media after his past tweets about “poop” resurfaced. These tweets were unrelated to incest but it is still strange that this Mehmet guy talks about poop so much.
Oz, who made millions and became a household name as the titular “Dr. Oz” on a show that garnered heavy criticism due to his promotion of pseudoscience, including on the topics of alternative medicine, faith healing and various paranormal beliefs, wrote several tweets about bowel movements in over a decade of being a regular Twitter user.
Editor’s note: This article is sponsored by POOP (Please Oppose Oz Pennsylvania)
The Pitiful News 