#oscars

By the writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Pittiful Knee Slappers)

I have started slap-boxing in my free time
- I have lost a bunch of weight and feel much healthier
The sun shines brighter than it used to
No one has died
- Like literally no one
  - We should check on Thanatos and Anubis
My family has gotten better at communication
- Whenever we feel angry at each other we just slap
Rainbows are 14 colors now, and appear twice as often
Food tastes better
The Pittiful News is funny (just kidding, we were always funny)
My dad came back from the store, despite it being a dad paradise as noted in a previous article
The iPhone 15 was announced, and it will only cost 5 dollars
I am still
- This is ten percent luck
- Twenty percent skill
- Fifteen percent concentrated power of will
But now I am
- Fifty percent pleasure
- And fifty percent more pleasure
Global warming stopped, and Global Cooling was announced
Babies are smiling again
Old people are laughing again
I came out of the closet
I went back into the closet
I came out of the closet
I went back into the closet
I came out of the closet
I have become a lot more indecisive about what I wear, also I’m gay
Pigs can fly
Birds can fly (the flamingo was angry at this previously)
- Don’t forget about Penguins
  - Yeah they can fly now too
All crimes can now be excused through the “I was just protecting my family” excuse
The fire in “We Didn’t Start the Fire” by Billy Joel finally got put out
- Wow we let that burn for a while, wasn’t that silly of us?
My wife filed for reverse divorce
- Do you mean she proposed
  - Nah, I got served
I finally paid off all my credit cards
- With other credit cards, but it still counts!
Will Smith and Jada Pikket Smith got divorced
The world was reset back to the year of our lord 2012