By the writers of The Pittiful News, Original Article
At the Pittiful News, we pride ourselves at sharing the truest fake news possible, and as such are completely appalled at the truest true news shared by the Pitt News. We cannot stand to let such seriousness be spread amongst the student body. We NEED to get a little silly.
And so, we at the Pittiful News would like to present to you, what absolutely did not without a doubt happen to our dear friend Steve Juun during his romantic affair with the novel Coronavirus (in chronological order):
- He did not need to walk up Cardiac Hill after getting a positive test for a highly infectious disease that makes breathing harder, he got a horse drawn carriage up to the fraternity mansions on Upper Campus.
- He was given a free t-shirt, which was very soft and very flattering to his figure.
- He was served a single spoon of mashed potatoes.
- A free hoverboard was delivered to his door to take him to his online classes.
- He was given a box of his favorite candy, Sour Patch Kids.
- The Gallighator hand-delivered him a PS5 but without any games because he sucks.
- Pitt Dining gave him unlimited dining dollars, ONLY for off-campus use.
- He was given daily visits from the many therapy animals including but not limited to: rabbits, dogs, cats, birds, mice, cockroaches (unintentionally), and turtles.
- His student Hulu account (with ads) was upgraded to a more expensive Hulu account (without ads).
- A small frog fell in love with him and promised to turn into his dream monarch with a single kiss.
- Pitt paid for a Tinder Gold membership for him.
- He was canonized by Pope Francis, despite not being dead yet.
- He was visited by the Sexy Jar Jar Binks that lives on Upper Campus.
- A personal choir of Christmas carolers moved in to serenade his showers.
- He was legally adopted by an Olympic medal-winning horse.
- He was given a starring role in the next Guillermo del Toro movie.
- He was granted immunity to the common cold.
- He was given tangle-proof Christmas lights.
- Robin Williams granted him three genie wishes but allowed him to wish for more wishes.
- A professional manicurist replaced his fingernails with gold leaf.
- The reincarnated spirit of George Washington granted him the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
- Both Queen Elizabeth II of England AND King [REDACTED] of Sweden knighted him for his service.
- Dean Bonner invited him to his exclusive Honors College orgies.
- Donald Trump awarded him a small loan of 1 million dollars.
- Jif Peanut Butter gave him a lifetime supply of peanut butter pre-spread on all his sandwiches, bagels, and pickles.
- The Department of Housing furnished his dorm with seventeen mattresses (with sheets spun from gold by Rumplestiltskin himself) stacked on top of each other, with a single pea underneath.
- Tyler moved in (and they were roommates).
- His new roommate Tyler learned he was immune to COVID.
- But immediately after, Steve was transferred to a Vegas hotel for his quarantine.
- The carolers moved with him. Tyler remained in the dorm, but shortly after contracted the common cold and has been promoted to deceased status.
- His parent (the horse) was flown out to bring him the entirely new set of supplies the Associate Dean had sent out to him.
- His test turned out to be a false positive, he only had contracted a small cough from his Juul™.
Lord Tyler Sikov, Juun’s former roommate, was unavailable for comment when the Pittiful News reached out.