Casual Friday Horoscopes, as featured in Seventeen magazine

By the writers of the Pittiful News

Aries – You are a strong-willed person who always fights for want they want. Tomorrow you will encounter an opportunity for success. Take your chances and don’t give up.

 

Taurus – You have a strong appetite for close relationships. When you meet them tomorrow, give them a hug and check their pockets for the drugs. They may change your life.

 

Gemini – You’re finally coming out as a Gemini today. Don’t forget which shoe goes on which foot. We can spot a Gemini from about three miles away. Just focus on what’s ahead of you.

 

Cancer – You are one-third dummy, one-third whore, and one-third sucker, and tomorrow you will cry because someone reminds you of something that happened many years ago, and it will remind you of ‘the stairwell’ that you try to forget.

 

Leo – I really don’t understand why you’re looking at your horoscope because if I tell you that you’ll have a great day tomorrow and you get hit by a bus, I think that technically is grounds to sue me so take this with a grain of salt and have a great day.

 

Virgo – Repeat this mantra daily to experience life to its fullest: “Wake up in the mornin’. Feelin’ like P. Diddy. Grab my glasses. I’m out the door. I’m gonna hit the city.” Don’t forget to brush your teeth with a bottle of jack.

 

Libra – You can’t make a decision to save your life. You’re sweet but you’re… you’re nasty if someone crosses you… UHm- You can’t think. DO not think at all whatsoever. Fuck people. But don’t FUCK-fuck them?? Your planet is Venus or something. Meaning you’re very romantic and LOVE flirting. You are a peacekeeper and like order. #Words not fists #Kill with kindness

 

Scorpio – You are possessive over the things you like, this week you will begin mating with an optimum specimen, only to eat them at a later date.

 

Sagittarius – Things are looking up for you! It’s going to be just the right kind of night to dress up like a hipster and make fun of your ex. (DO NOT under any circumstances get back with your ex.) Do fun things, like eating breakfast at midnight and fallin in love with strangers. Everything’s gonna be alright :) Just keep dancing :)

 

Capricorn – You are resilient, this week your horns will grow nicely. Also this week, in math class your teacher, who sucks, will give you a pop quiz. It might be on the quadratic equation so just remember: “x equals opposite b plus or minus square root b squared minus 4 a c all over 2 a”.

 

Aquarius – You will meet a person who will be an amazing partner for you, they will be: sometimes low key, sometimes high key, sometimes comforting, sometimes indifferent, often contradictory. They will be standing on the corner of Forbes and Bigelow, they will be wearing yellow and holding a pink carnation, the password to make them fall in love with you is “if you do not come with me this instant, i will stab you”. They will get into your car and you will live happily ever after until you get a new horoscope telling you to see other people, Janice.

 

Pisces –  You will become the president of the United States of America, the first president to be precise. People might call you “Daddy”, but what they really mean is “Father (of the Nation)”, so don’t be alarmed. Embrace all the opportunities of this phase in your life.

 

Good Smells

By Tyler Sikov and Sonya Acharya

1. Babies
2. Discovery
3. An Abercrombie and Fitch shirt after you wash it with Gain the first time
4. Teen spirit
5. Forrest
6. Lavender
7. Good smelling cologne
8. Coffee
9. The specific coffee beans that they give you at Yankee Candle to cleanse your nasal palate after you smell a nasty peppermint candle that makes your nose feel like it was just assaulted by Jack Frost
10. That tree stump
11. Freshly mown grass, new parchment & spearmint toothpaste
12. Fergalicious it’s delicious
13. Cats
14. Rotting plants
15. Vanilla extract before you taste it
16. A brand new deck of cards
17. Falling in love
18. The rose you were going to give to your prom date but she stood you up so now you must console yourself by inhaling inhumane amounts of pollen from this flower to put yourself into an allergy coma so you can wake up from it a week later feeling better
19. The helmets of Mongol invaders (in museums)
20. Bath and Body Works in the off-season after you have dropped an anvil on your foot

Tax crimes I am committing this season

By Tyler Sikov

As we all know Tax Day is later this week, so I thought I would tell you how I evade taxes to help you out maneuver the IRS (I REALLY SUCK):

1. Pretend you make no money, they will then pay you money, now you have double money
2. Steal, like anything, if you steal it you don’t pay taxes on it
3. Bribe a home inspector to evaluate your home very low so you have low property taxes
4. Kidnap an IRS worker’s family, then they will be forced to allow you to not pay taxes because you now need money to take care of their family
5. Murder
6. “Move to Venezuela”
7. Start a non-profit, then claim all money as income tax because 501c3 non-profits do not pay income taxes
8. Claim other people’s kids as your dependents
9. Anything from this list https://www.irs.gov/pub/irs-utl/tax_crimes_handbook.pdf
10. Juggle knives, you might be thinking that this will not work, but while the IRS is distracted by your juggling, they will not be making you pay taxes
11. “Donate” all of your money to the non-profit you made earlier
12. Short a bunch of stock and then sell them to harvest your losses, from their you will be able to deduct up to $3,000 per year from your income and deduct the rest of your losses from you recent capital gains
13. Die
14. Remove yourself from society to live in the woods with ocelots
15. Fake your death
16. Overthrow the government, this is just a good idea overall and it can help you pay less taxes
17. Train for American ninja warrior and then literally dodge taxes
18. Move to another country, like Scotland which has a lower tax percent
19. Get a job at the IRS, that way you don’t have to pay taxes, you know the employee discount
20. Fill out the paperwork wrong making them charge you far less than you actually owe

Pitt to Raise Tuition to Price of One Soul

By Riley Weber

The University of Pittsburgh announced Thursday that the price of tuition would continue to rise. However, instead of the cost being in US Dollars, the price of admission will now be one human soul. Though these currencies are vastly different, the university claims that the payment process will actually be much simpler than before. “We think the students will welcome the change with open arms,” explains University Financial Director Todd Cartwright. “Instead of selling your soul to a bank and them giving us the money, you’re simply selling your soul to us. We’re cutting out the middleman.”

Despite the university’s confidence, some students have received this news with skepticism. “I’m not so sure how exactly they’re going to implement this. If it’s as complicated as the student loan process then who knows when my soul will be disbursed. Luckily, my mom works at the university, so part of her soul counts as my tuition,” said junior Manny Daniels. Another student, Diane Singh, was less optimistic. “Of course, this was bound to happen. The constant rising tuition couldn’t satisfy the university, so they demand eternal servitude. I don’t trust The Gallaghator with these souls either, what is he up to?”

The answer to Singh’s question is darker than expected, according to one high-ranking anonymous university official. “I’ve only heard rumors. Dark, mysterious rumors, whispered in near-silence from quivering lips in the dead of night, kind of near the Indian food truck. They say a long-predicted sacred ritual is coming. A ritual that, if my Latin is correct, roughly translates to ‘The Feast of the Spirits.’ I can’t say much more, as my oath forbids it, but what I can say is that this goes right to the top.” This leaves us wondering, could this anonymous cloaked figure mean Chancellor Gallagher himself? Are dark forces brewing at Pitt? When pressed for comment on his relationship with the occult, Gallagher screeched in a tone heard by both the living and the dead and scurried through a large crack in the cathedral wall.